How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart

[dabbledave]

Those of you who have been following this thread will know that early on I made the strategic decision to consciously work on building my own happiness by monitoring and processing the thoughts in my mind. This has been wonderful; life-changing!

 

Right now I'm at the point where I feel happy nearly all the time, even right now as I tap out this post on eNA I have a grin on my face. When I do start having doubts or anxieties something kicks in pretty much automatically now -- whether its a 10-second breathing meditation exercise, an affirmation, or the "thank you, thank you, thank you" mantra that started me on this healing journey -- and it almost immediately alleviates those doubts or anxieties and makes me smile.

 

However, over a period 10 days after my ex visited me on October 7 I struggled to keep to tactical NC even after I told her I did not want to hear from her unless she wanted to reconcile. Since the last brief exchange with her on October 17, I have not contacted her. The context of that last exchange is important, so please see:

 

.

 

You'll note that I invited further contact on the silly condition that she be honest with me about her love life.

 

Four hours ago I received this email from her, the first contact initiated by either of us since that last brief exchange on October 17:

 

Hi DD,

 

Are you OK? I could see that you have deleted me from your chat list in gmail?

Do you still want to contact me or..?

 

I promised myself and my eNA friends that I would check in here before responding to any message from my ex. So here I am.

 

My first thought is to give it a couple of days and respond thus:

 

I'm doing fantastically well, thanks! Hope you are too.

 

You're welcome to email or call me any time you need to.

 

DD

 

Clearly I don't want to let her assume that I've flip-flopped back into demanding NC. But at the same time, if she wants to be in touch I'd rather not engage in time-wasting small talk on Gmail chat; she should make a bit of an effort to write me a proper email. Or even better call me (if she really misses me!)

 

There is some other information (all true) that I might want to share in my reply, but not really sure whether I should. For example:

 

1) Business is doing great -- nearly doubled the number of contracts since last time we spoke

2) The lovely marketing manager at [local gym] has offered me free VIP membership for three months -- I plan to take full advantage of it

3) I'm considering buying a guitar and teaching myself how to play.

4) I'm thinking about joining a matchmaking service for busy professionals.

 

So do you think I should respond? How long should I wait? What amount of information (and which bits) would be appropriate, (assuming that right now I would take her back in a heartbeat)?

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[remster]

Hi DD,

 

Glad to hear your getting happier and picking things up well. I think (and im not the best advisor) but you should wait at least till Sunday / Monday to reply, she will be thinking then all weekend for starters. But in the reply, just say your doing very well, been so busy at moment so not had time to reply?

 

Kinda make her think you are putting her to the back of your mind. You dont want to be doing any pulling at moment, just general 'friend' chat.

 

Like i say tho, im new to this so please let everyone else advise too before doing anything.

[dabbledave]

you should wait at least till Sunday / Monday to reply, she will be thinking then all weekend for starters. But in the reply, just say your doing very well, been so busy at moment so not had time to reply

 

I like it, Remster. Thanks.

 

A couple of days to get more perspectives from others ... more feedback please ... especially from the ladies in the audience!

 

DD

[BlueRose66]

I don't know about all this, and here I go again perhaps maybe being too direct. My concerns for you DD is how healthy this relationship is for you and how healthy the contact is for you. Of course, I dont know you and the particulars, though I have read your thread but cant remember all the details. I do know how very much you love her. My concerns for you is being with someone who has engaged in extra marital affairs so soon after a LTR with you. For me, that doesnt speak to someone who is coping well and giving you and the relationship with you its due respect. Regardless that is was over, it still just bothers me greatly.

 

My wish for you is for you to take an extended amount of time really examining this relationship and being brutally honest with yourself. Sometimes it is only after the smoke clears we can really see things for the way they are. I think it would be good if you could list what you considered to be healthy in this relationship, what went wrong and what honestly would need to happen on both sides for it to work. Taking even a good 6-12 months is not going to kill it off it it is real.

 

To keep the doors of communication open, you could send her something like the above response, you are fine, you are busy. I would keep it short, and cordial. I would not contact her if she does not contact you first. It doesnt matter what she thinks of you, what matters is what is best for you and your future.

 

I hope you arent going to be mad at me again. I really and truly have your best interest at heart and for some reason, I just have concerns about this one for you from what I have read and my gut instict. Of course, you need to do what you feel is best for you. But please slow down and just really take a look at this one.

 

Best!!! BR66

[lemsip]

I agree with BlueRose I'm afraid. You're still in love with her, and she's not with you. So I don't see how contact with her is going to help you at all, especially when she starts talking about a new relationship she's having. Like I said, you'se haven't had time apart yet. Things are muddy. You are going back and forth, no contact, contact, limited contact, saying for her not to call you, saying she can call you anytime, saying that you'll call her further down the line... It's a mess.

 

Likewise I don't want you to think I'm being a stick-in-the-mud but as I have said on numerous occasions now, this is going to go on for months if you continue like this! You time need apart from this, seriously man. You're not thinking clearly.

 

If you're willing to email with her why did you block her on gmail chat? It's mixed signals all over the place man.

 

Bottom line: you will not heal if you are in constant contact with her and she is 'honest about her love life'. I know if my ex rang me up and started telling me about all the sex she's having I wouldn't be too pleased.

 

OK. Rant over. Just take a step back from this and see it from a third person perspective if you can...

 

I mean well man. x

[dabbledave]

To keep the doors of communication open, you could send her something like the above response, you are fine, you are busy. I would keep it short, and cordial.

 

Yep, that's what I'm thinking.

 

I would not contact her if she does not contact you first.

 

That's the plan.

 

I hope you arent going to be mad at me again.

 

I've never been mad at you!

 

In terms of the other stuff you talked about, I agree. I've grown and learned so much since the BU that I can look back with 20:20 hindsight and see what went wrong. Neither of us had the relationship communications skills to make it work.

 

Because I still love the ex -- love the potential of what we had, at least -- I still hold out hope that she will learn what I have learned, acknowledge her own mistakes, forgive herself her own mistakes, forgive me for mine, and want to try again will all of that baggage left behind. Basically if she were to have a similar journey of self-discovery that I'm having, and we reconnect at the end of it, we would be indestructible as a couple. But I've stopped trying to point her in the right direction, hence the NC.

 

Time and distance is a given -- she works on another continent now. Unless she meets someone and settles down there, I'm sure she'll return in a couple of years. Plenty of time. She'll have flings and relationships during that time, so will I.

 

As I said I'm happy in and of myself now -- never been happier in fact -- so I'm not pining for her anymore. I am, however, hopeful that down the track we can re-establish a relationship even better and much more durable than what we had in the "good old days". We're that compatible as a couple -- potentially -- however, she will have to catch up with me now.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I agree with BlueRose I'm afraid. You're still in love with her, and she's not with you.

 

Well on October 7, she said she was confused ... but yes, that's right, she is not in love with me.

 

You are going back and forth, no contact, contact, limited contact, saying for her not to call you, saying she can call you anytime, saying that you'll call her further down the line... It's a mess.

 

That's the past again, mate. It was a mess a week ago, which is why I came on here asking for help to sort it out. Since October 17 I've been clear about what I want to do. I never said I would call her down the line.

 

I need tactical advice right now, not strategic.

 

If you're willing to email with her why did you block her on gmail chat? It's mixed signals all over the place man.

 

I blocked her on Gmail chat because I now use Gmail as my primary email client -- all my work emails get imported in Gmail along with my regular Gmail emails. When I've got her on my chat list I find that in between calling and emailing prospects and doing other tasks, I'm looking at her name to see if she's online. So I blocked it.

 

In my draft reply to this latest message I make it clear that she can email or call me -- i.e. I imply that she should make more of an effort to communicate with me. She won't unless she has something important to say, and that's fine with me

 

Bottom line: you will not heal if you are in constant contact with her and she is 'honest about her love life'.

 

I am healing. I'm almost fully healed, hence I've been thinking about joining a matchmaking service for professionals.

 

I'm far enough along that I'll heal regardless of any news I hear.

 

That's how much self-respect, confidence, and optimism I now have because I've been practising the stuff I've talked about throughout this thread. There are a lot of people who've read this thread and maybe tried these techniques briefly, then gave up. You included, right? I'm not sure. Anyway, I've made a habit out of it and I am reaping crazy benefits.

 

It's a powerful thing, the mind. Harness it, and the world's your oyster!

 

Hope you're doing well, my friend.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Aleina2011]

I have done self-help books before but in the end I keep doing what I have always done. I feel this time I REALLY need to change my attitude towards life and other people, especially in a relationship. Before, I would just repeat these words in order so to get him back. But I kept treating the relationship as if it had to do something for me, therefore I didn't really enjoy it and made it difficult for the other person to be with me. This time I feel I need to truly change something in me, and hopefully I will be able to let go and forgive the other person. Hopefully, when I am up there feeling grateful and no longer needy, I will be feeling better. Right now, I feel at the bottom while he has the high moral ground, which I think is also why it feels even harder to accept. I can see I have issues. I know we all do, otherwise we wouldn't be here. I want to try and find some peace because after 2 rocky relationships and breakups in between, it occurs to me that I have been miserable for almost 10 years now. That's not good...

[remster]

I need some advise now too, i had a text last night from her asking how i was, and if i am going to collect my stuff from hers on 5th Nov?

 

Now my initial reaction was to say im busy that weekend so cant collect it (its a long story but she is moving out of her house, but i know the landlord so can leave my stuff there). I thought id just pick it all up when she not there.

But now im thinking this could actually be the last time i see her, i dont know where she is moving too. So im stuck now. Im kind of thinking if i can go see her and get my stuff while she is there i might be able to get to chat to her for only a little bit. I dont know what i would achieve but i might get my closure?

 

What do you guys think?

 

(sorry DD for hijacking your thread)

[dabbledave]

Remster,

 

It's not my thread. It's for everyone However, there is not much activity on this one these days so you will probably get more feedback starting your own.

 

If you do meet your ex to pick up your stuff, put on a smiley face; strut your stuff a bit; stay cool, calm, and collected. If you feel you have something to say to her, put a positive spin on it and say it calmly with a smile. If you can carry that off, you won't regret the meeting; it may set you back a little afterwards, of course, but it will provide a platform from which you can leap ahead. But you need to go in with the right mindset.

 

I just sent a short and very positive reply to my ex, basically telling her that I was doing great, that I hoped she was doing great too, that "exciting things" were starting to happen (I was not specific about those things). I also mentioned that I had disabled Gmail chat because it was a distraction and that my email and telephone were always available to her if she wanted to communicate.

 

Friends, I do believe that the "exciting things" that are starting to happen in my life are as a result of the Law of Attraction (call it my new-found positive mental attitude if you like). I just feel really good most of the time now. And when you feel good you naturally give off positive energy which attracts people, more opportunities present themselves (or you notice them more readily), and you are more inclined and better prepared to make use of those opportunities.

 

How did I start? See the first post of this thread. Within the depths of despair I started being grateful for the traits and attributes I like about myself, appreciative of everyone who has been a positive influence in my life, and thankful for everything around me big and small that I might normally have taken for granted in the past. Having an attitude of gratitude sets a positive tone for moving forward, for it can make you happy RIGHT NOW, even if you are nursing a shattered heart!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

I just sent a short and very positive reply to my ex, basically telling her that I was doing great, that I hoped she was doing great too, that "exciting things" were starting to happen (I was not specific about those things). I also mentioned that I had disabled Gmail chat because it was a distraction and that my email and telephone were always available to her if she wanted to communicate.

 

She replied a short time later saying that yesterday she went grocery shopping and that for the first time she felt that "life was beautiful" and that she had smiled to herself. (She added another paragraph about the weather where she is.)

 

Now I'm assuming that she has been listening to the Thich Naht Hanh stuff I shared with her on her birthday and that's the reason why she mentioned that "life was beautiful".

 

I was at a bar watching the Rugby World Cup grand final when I downloaded her email on my phone and replied thus:

 

It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it? I'm happy for you

 

I've since permanently deleted her email and my reply from Gmail. I intend to continue to not initiate contact.

 

I know (believe) that she will soon catch up to me in my learnings about life and love, and contact me wanting to reconcile. I also know that If she leaves it too long I won't be interested any more; I would have moved on to be happily single, or met someone else deserving of me who will reap the benefits of my new knowledge.

 

Either way, I will always love her and wish her all the best in life. She has been hugely important in my life to date. I will not invalidate that! She will always hold a special place in my heart.

 

"I love you X! I always will. However, I love me even more.

 

"I'm sorry I did not love myself when you also loved me. If I had, we would be happily married now and planning an exciting future together.

 

"I'm planning my own exciting future now. You're welcome to join me, babe, but be quick! Be quick, Swee'pea ..."

 

DD

[dabbledave]

She replied saying that she agreed that it felt wonderful. She said that the feeling of well-being she experienced on Saturday had fallen off, but that she was "happy overall". I've not responded. There was nothing to respond to or answer. And I won't. I'm practising N(I)C.

 

It's Monday. And while I should be excited by the prospect of another work week to build up this new business of mine, I'm experiencing feelings of doubt and insecurity based on her claim of happiness. It's irrational. I am happy for her, but ...

 

So I need to work a bit harder than usual today to get myself elevated again ... And I will.

 

DD

[thelastsong]

She replied saying that she agreed that it felt wonderful. She said that the feeling of well-being she experienced on Saturday had fallen off, but that she was "happy overall". I've not responded. There was nothing to respond to or answer. And I won't. I'm practising N(I)C.

 

It's Monday. And while I should be excited by the prospect of another work week to build up this new business of mine, I'm experiencing feelings of doubt and insecurity based on her claim of happiness. It's irrational. I am happy for her, but ...

 

So I need to work a bit harder than usual today to get myself elevated again ... And I will.

 

DD

 

If I've learned one thing, it's that feelings are rarely rational. She's probably not as happy as she's making herself out to be, and even if she is, I bet that deep down inside you would lose some respect for her if she sent you some sad email about how miserable she is and how she just can't live without you.

 

I know it's hard to reason yourself out of feeling something, so maybe take some comfort in that you're really doing a great job helping everyone here. If not by your advice, then you definitely help by your example. It's really amazing how well you're handling all this and how you keep a positive attitude in spite of everything.

[dabbledave]

Thanks lastsong,

 

You made me smile.

 

It's back to work for me!

 

Cheers

 

DD

[The Man Who]

Nice work Dave! I'm 100% sure this thread is inspiring others to keep positive and remember that in any situation there IS always light at the end of the tunnel. Glad your not replying to your ex for the sake of it, that is the true discipline your learning bud

[dabbledave]

TMW, mate. Trying to reply to your PM but your box is full.

 

I'll post my reply here instead of waiting Nothing private about it, anyway:

 

 

You're welcome, mate. Hope it helps people.

 

Y'know it's amazing how many people don't get the simple message that you can proactively raise your mood by thinking good, positive, thankful thoughts. Sure you have to work at it to start with, but like anything it becomes a habit. Too many people seem to be stuck on being a passive passenger on their emotional buses. To be fair to them, however, it took a thud on rock-bottom to wake me up to myself -- but it's so obvious to me now.

 

Cheers

 

DD

[The Man Who]

I didn't really realise all this either until I woke up one morning and thought, why am I feeling like sh*t? It then hit me, that I chose to feel like that because I focused on the negative aspects such as "I'm no longer with (insert name here)". The funny part is everyone needs a kick up the a** to get them to see things differently, the problem is though some people that do get the kick don't do anything about it.

 

That's what separates us from some of the others on this board and in the world. It may be harsh but it's true, those that had that "Ahhh" moment are the ones who give out the best advice on this forum from my point of view. Would you rather feel awesome about yourself/life or feel miserable? I know which option I'd rather choose.

 

Inbox is emptied now as well

[remster]

Its funny, its supposed to be our anaversary today. I started the day feeling down, looking at my phone thinking she would reach out today. Then as i was on way to work i realised, this is not going to happen because im expecting it too, ill then feel more down and just wind myself up more.

 

So i turned it round in my head, said im not going to hear from her. I even then thought about how i really feel now, and something struck me, even if she reached out now for us to work it out, i dont think i could. I cant be with someone who will just cut me out their life like that with no thought for what ive been doing, no thought for us what we had or anything.

 

So from that moment, i turned into smily happy thoughts, thinking the table for me have actually turned, if anything now she is going to have to work to get me back, and i mean really work and tell me whats been going on in her head. So now im at the point, of acceptance, so i can only move on from here in a positive way.

 

Its funny because i thought today was going to be very hard, its actually turned into the turning point for me and the happiest day for the last two months.

 

The mind is a powerful thing.

[dabbledave]

Good stuff, remster!

 

Don't be surprised if your feelings start to head south again at some point, so be prepared to challenge the assumptions behind those negative thoughts with the assumptions behind these positive smiley thoughts that you are experiencing now. The waves will still come, but you can be better prepared to ride them out, learn, and gain strenght from them.

 

DD

[Aleina2011]

Today was a weird day,

 

Had taken half a day off work so spent morning at home, on ENA after waking up feeling absolutely miserable. Took me a few hours on ENA to find the strength to get up, get dressed and ready for work. Work was great, didn't think of him (almost) and on the way back I found myself smiling at people and actually feeling good about myself. Oh, and in the office I chatted with a colleague and I don't know why but felt like "there are other human beings around me"..we talked about the xmas party and felt quite excited about it. So life goes on. On the way back I realise that 1. I have no power over him, I cannot make him want me. But, it does not mean I am completely powerless. There is something I can do, 2. I have the power to disappear from his life. I can reject me, like he rejected me. This gave me some strength, because I can actually DO something. I have always had a problem with NOT DOING something. So this means that I choose to not hear from him, I don't want to have anything to do with him, NEVER. I know that he would like to keep in contact sometime down the line, because he actually enjoys my company, only, he didn't want to be in a relatonship with him. Well, I am sorry but I will not allow that to happen. I regain control over my life and my feelings.

However, I get home, I check my hotmail and there it is, the fruit of my Sunday weakness. His team won on Sunday and could not help emailing him "impressive win, well done xxx" - He replied today "indeedy, I keep watching it over again. hope your auntie is helping you through this difficult time". When I sent my email I thought I'll just send a quick one, I wanted to sound light, I was still hopeing for reconciliation. I did expect him to reply something, but that line about the difficult time...well, you can imagine...you know how hard it is when 1. they have left you, 2. they are sorry you are hurting.....

Anyway, this sums up my day, I have to be strong, I will be strong, like someone else on this forum has said, it's about self preservation...

 

Thank you all my friends for your support xx

A

[dabbledave]

Friends,

 

I'm tempted to send the draft note below.

 

I'm unlikely to, but talk me down anyway if you think it's a bad idea.

 

Or let me know if you think it's a good idea and the reasons why.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[Carus]

What is the purpose behind sending this DD*...?

 

8-)

[dabbledave]

Hi Carus,

 

It probably isn't necessary -- and almost certainly far too soon since last correspondence.

 

It's to give her a little advice about maintaining a sense of well-being.

 

It's to reinforce how much I've evolved.

 

It's to let her know that I think that our future can be wonderful.

 

And it's to let her know that I can handle it if she doesn't see a future for us.

 

DD

 

PS. And writing it out here and getting feedback on it is probably much more useful to me than actually sending it

[dansmi12345]

DD,

 

I really wouldn't send it.

 

She knows how much you've evolved, you've shown her. Your actions will speak a million times louder than that letter ever could. Telling her things will never do anything, but the fact that she appears to be taking your advice and reading the book that has helped you so much shows that she realizes how much you've changed for the better. With that said, now you need to make her miss you. If you send her that note, it will let her know you're still there, and it gives her the power, which ultimately doesn't help you.

 

Your heart is in the right place, but now it's time to continue to work on you, rather than focusing all your energy on her progress.

 

Until next time,

 

Dan

[dabbledave]

Thanks Dan,

 

Great feedback. It bolsters my inclination to stay silent.

 

Would be interested to hear an alternative view from someone ...

 

Cheers,

 

DD