How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart

[endy]

Insecurity is based out of fear. That's a start right there. What are you fearing? Next time you are fearful stop and think... Why am I REALLY afraid of this. Think back into your past.

[Aleina2011]

Insecurity is based out of fear. That's a start right there. What are you fearing? Next time you are fearful stop and think... Why am I REALLY afraid of this. Think back into your past.

 

I agree. I fear that the relationship will not last, that I will not get my "happy ending". In the end the "ending" becomes more important than the relationship I am living in. I realise this. It may be caused by previous relationships which have failed (including this one). My parents are still together so it can't be that. Ultimately, it's got to do with the realisation that all good things end...a bit cynical I know...but so far I have no experience of things ending differently...

[dabbledave]

Hmm ... another round of the healing cycle, perhaps?

 

Apart from my lack of NC discipline, over the past several days I've been feeling very good.

 

However, this morning I woke up angry; angry at my ex for not making me feel loved, appreciated, respected, and secure within the relationship, and angry at myself for becoming a withdrawn and irritable passive-aggressive.

 

So I got up, showered, and prepared for work in a * * * * ty mood, knowing I have to forgive her and myself all over again in order to reclaim the confidence and happiness that I have rebuilt over the past three months.

 

Riding a taxi to the office I did just that; I managed to smile and chuckle to myself; so now I just have to ride out the aftershocks.

 

Life's good. Be thankful.

 

DD

[remster]

DD,

 

I woke up exactly this same this morning, it was horrible, as if id gone all the way back to the beginning again. I felt she should not be making me feel this way, i wondered then if she also is feeling this way or not.

 

This is so difficult, i pick myself up, then just going to bed, waking up at 4am and cant get back to sleep because she is on my mind and i just want to be there with her.

 

It hard work, sometime wounder if this will ever go away... and why in the first place?

[Aleina2011]

I woke up with no panic attack today. Only I am little bit sadder than yesterday. Yesterday was an ok-ish day. I was calm by the time I left work and walked home.

This morning I forced myself to call up Virgin and sort out the internet contract for my flat which was in his name. I didn't want to ask him to do it. I didn't need him to do it. Dealing with the practicalities of the BU sucks. it makes it real, definite. I felt good after doing it because it's one small thing I managed to do and it feels like a big achievement. However, I am worried the true reason I wanted to do it myself is that I didn't want him to do it because if he had done it it would have been even more painful. I dodn't know if it makes sense to you guys. Basically, I feel like I am still waiting for something to happen, something bis, and didn't want something so practical to get in the way of the "big thing" which will surely happen. I am worried this calmness is due to the fact that I am still hopeful. I guess it's normal and I should not beat myself up. I know I have a long way before I can feel truly calm, not happy, just serene. I just wanted to share this with you.

[dabbledave]

remster, Aleina,

 

Get into the habit of making yourself feel good again by practising and experimenting with some of the techniques I describe throughout this thread.

 

This afternoon I had go to a nearby town to pick up some paperwork from a government department. It was about a 45-minute drive. I used the time to do a bit of breathing meditation and to read and absorb and feel and believe the affirmations I have collected and developed on the notes app of my smart phone.

 

By the time I got to the government building I was on cloud nine. The person driving me must have thought I was crazy. I was grinning and bouncing my head to the music on the car stereo -- best drug ever!

 

One of the notes I rediscovered today was from three months ago. It's about "neuro-associative conditioning", which is what Anthony Robbins talk about in his audio book Awaken the Giant Within. This is one of the audio books I mention in the opening post of my thread which inspired me to explore the power of my own mind to make myself happy.

 

I'll tap out the note word-for-word here:

 

Neuro-Associative Conditioning

 

Premise: I can change right now and I am responsible for the change.

 

1) What do I really want? What's preventing me from getting it?

 

2) Leverage the pain/pleasure principle to effect change i.e. What pain will I suffer if I don't change? What pleasure will I enjoy if I DO change?

 

3) Identify and interrupt any limiting behavioural patterns. When aware of a limiting pattern, do something I don't expect. Surprise myself. Find humour and silliness in things or behaviours that hold me back from effecting change.

 

4) Create a new empowering alternative to the limiting pattern. Act on goals. Help other achieve positive change in their lives so as to reinforce positive change in my own.

 

Do you think you can apply this principle to your own happiness?

 

What do you really want? To be happy.

 

What's preventing you from being happy? Thoughts that make you sad, lonely, angry, abandoned, etc.

 

I believe I have consciously or subconsciously applied this conditioning principle to my thoughts. I know I'm much better now at interrupting negative thought processes and replacing them with positive thoughts than I ever have been before.

 

Indeed before my break-up I was a passive passenger to the stuff that went on in my head to the extent that I blamed my moods on something called cyclothymia. I know now that that was self-defeating bull * * * * .

 

What I never understood and appreciated before my healing journey post-BU is my own power to regulate my mood using my feelings as guides and my thoughts as tools.

 

I swear, harnessing the power of the mind to regulate mood should be taught in schools and universities from pre-primary level right through to post-grad! Wouldn't the world be a better place if more people could pro-actively fill themselves up with happiness? How many arguments between lovers, friends, and family members could be averted? How many wars would never happen?

 

I love you guys!

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Something I nicked off Facebook (click image to enlarge)

 

 

[Aleina2011]

DD

 

Is it like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Thanks for sharing btw

[dabbledave]

DD

 

Is it like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Thanks for sharing btw

 

I don't anything about CBT, Aleina.

 

But my post makes sense, right?

 

You're welcome!

 

DD

[remster]

Thank you DD, great help.

 

Well i broke my own rule today, but i think i actually helped myself. I sent her a text saying that i know where we are now. I accept it. I said i would like to keep in touch, and if she needs help with anything then im still here for her.

 

I know i know, i basically told her im still here, but she also knows im the type of person that is always helpful. The way i look at it now, ive told her i have accpeted the BU (which i kinda have now) and im looking to move on. I wont be taken by any invites to see her for a while, this would prove im strong and getting through this. I have been low today all day, and after sending this i kinda got some of the closure i wanted back. Its all up to her now, but she also knows im not going to sticking around and will move on, she knows about my previous break-up so knows how i can pick up myself. This one is most certanly the hardest, which i think is from the connection we had together, and nothing was actually wrong except distance.

 

Lets see how things pan out. You can only look forward, behind you has past and was to enable you to move forward.

[dabbledave]

Well i broke my own rule today, but i think i actually helped myself.

 

Okay, if you've said what you needed to, and you're happy with that, then that's it. Stick to moving forward. If she wants to reach out now she will.

 

Don't go doing what I did a few days ago and get all wishy washy flippy floppy on setting NC and then breaking it, setting NC and breaking it! ;-)

 

Onward, upwards!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[remster]

Ive not sent NC, thats something i will never do. Ok it might prolong the healing, i think i would only use it if i found out she was seeing someone else.

 

I guess deep down you do get the 'hope' it might come back, even with NC in place that would happen. So id rather not say it, therefore giving her the option to contact me. I know she will contact me, probably not today, not this week or next week. Once the cooling period had gone, then i may here something. If not then we know where we are anyway. At the moment we just need to look after number one.

[dabbledave]

Yeah, I've also left it open for her to contact me but in my head I'm sticking with NC ... I've said all I needed to and her small talk doesn't work for me because I still love her.

 

She needs the "gift of missing me" and while it may be too late for her when she wants to come back to me, I know with certainty that she will want to come back to me.

 

Cheers

 

DD

[remster]

Exactly, i know in my head now im on NC. Its been less for me, it will be 5 weeks on Sunday. So im hoping the 'Gift' of missing is more intense. Who knows, she has not given me any closure, any of her feelings, any thing what so ever, so i just have to accept it as is over. If its not then she will let me know when she is ready.

 

Its just one big physcological thing im sure.....

[Aleina2011]

I knew today was a bad day for me. I felt down, restless, I couldn't concentrate at work. At around 4pm I called him. He said he had thought about what I had suggested (seeing each other once a week, going slow etc) and decided against it. He was not going back to anything that remotely resembled us, was sorry to say that but I had to accept it, etc etc. You know how it feels when they tell you things things, it's like you ask for more. You hear them saying they no longer love you but your mind or heart doesn't listen, somehow you still have HOPE! Eventually, he hung up on me. I was still at work, I was so upset, I had to leave early, I didn't go to my evening class at uni, I was determined to show up at his family house where he's living now. Fortunately, I didn't, I just could not bring myself to do it,I just called my mum and cried. I feel crap and I just want to sleep forever. This is awful and I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I didn't get over him last year, I have already been there. After 4 months of NC I called him and started the whole process again. I don't know what is wrong with me but self-empowerment doesn't work, pride doesn't work. I just want him in my life again. This or I can try and hate him. Sorry I just feel really down, literally I would like to hug one of you guys and just cry and cry..

[BlueRose66]

Hi All

 

I too am going through a bit of anger, but some of it is at myself for hanging in or rather onto a dysfunctional relationship for two more years. I had given the choice of couples counseling and it was a no go. I should have ended it then, but I chose not to. Therefore, I need to look at why I made the choices I did and accept the consequenses of those choices.

 

I also have now accepted that "we" are done. In fact, I wouldnt go back to it again if I had the choice. I would still love to sit down and have it all out because I feel she is playing the victim and blaming me and that just bugs the crap out of me. I really would like to "enlighten" her to her faults and flaws and passive aggressive dysfunction. But drats, I dont get that opportunity. So what I am left with is me. Me! and I am a big enough fix it project LOL

 

I do think it is important the feel the anger and rage and let it flow out and through so it doesnt get stuck in my body somewhere eating away. I have my new mountain climber treadmill to help with that.

 

I spent the last two days grieving hard, sobbing and feeling the hard tight core of the pain inside. I know I am not "done" but I have passed into a better space and I am not missing her anymore. The anger at her passivity is what gets me most. How she didnt and wouldnt fight for us. I have never been one to give up easily. If I did, then I dont know what would have become of my son who is now 26. I am angry at her lack of courage too.

 

Soooo-- that means I know what I need to look for in my next partner when that day comes.

 

Be well all.

 

P.S. DD- I also flip flopped with NC- asking for talks etc... I am glad she has been strong enough to do what I couldnt do- Let go.... and yes, I am giving her the gift of missing me 100%

[BlueRose66]

I also take pleasure in the fact that she will indeed miss me. So glad she leaked and told me I was the best sex ever in her life. Ha ha! and I know she will miss my salads, my beautiful German shepherd and many other lovely things about me. I may be a bit petty now, but it does help me to think that yes! I WILL BE MISSED.

[TomboyMS]

I love the anger stage. Lol.

[dabbledave]

This is awful and I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I didn't get over him last year, I have already been there. After 4 months of NC I called him and started the whole process again. I don't know what is wrong with me but self-empowerment doesn't work, pride doesn't work. I just want him in my life again. This or I can try and hate him.

 

Hi Aleina,

 

You've only just broken up -- six days ago! Go through the emotions. Embrace them. Let yourself cry.

 

When the tears stop, start thinking happier thoughts. Be grateful for things around you.

 

When sad thoughts start up again challenge the assumptions behind them. If you need to cry, let it out. Crying is healthy. I actually enjoy having a good cry now and then. Really! I feel so calm and serene afterwards.

 

Definitely go through the emotions, but don't wallow in them. When you get an opportunity to elevate your own mood, do so, because you'll start to create a habit out of it that will serve you well long after this period of your life is behind you.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

DD

[Aleina2011]

Hi Aleina,

 

You've only just broken up -- six days ago! Go through the emotions. Embrace them. Let yourself cry.

 

DD

 

I do. The problem is when I have the urge to "do something". Oh how I hate those urges! I turn into a psycopath and want to talk to him, his family, anyone. I know it's wrong but in the past it somehow worked. I think it's because I have still hope, against all odds. Maybe anger would work for me better right now as I would replace the "I want him back" with "I don't want to see his @@@ face ever again". Sometimes maybe we just have to lie to ourselves, if only at the beginning. I honeslty believe that what hurts the most is rejection, the fact that he chose a life without me (because he could no longer stand one with me), and is actually telling me that it will be best for me too in the long run (higher moral ground), while I am still willing to try and I would have never left him. I don't know. I am really tired of feeling like this. It's only 6 days now but it's not the first time and I went through 6 months of hell last year to try and get him back. Time to give up no? I know..but how? Please don't say gym, etc...my life was so full before this happened, I had just started a whole new life and it's now become so difficult even to get myself to do these things..thank you xx

[dabbledave]

I do. The problem is when I have the urge to "do something" ... Time to give up no? I know..but how? P

 

Hi Aleina,

 

Right now you should not to give up "hope" ... hope is good!

 

But think: "What would doing something achieve?"

 

Before you do anything related to checking in with your ex, check in with us here to get some different perspectives.

 

Meanwhile, whenever you have a window of strength or opportunity, make yourself smile (reread this thread for some ideas). Making yourself feel good -- even if it's only for a very short time -- will become a habit if you start now and you do it often.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

DD

[The Man Who]

Aleina the best thing you can do is do nothing! It's not the rejection that hurts it's the fact that the other person can't see how truly awesome you are at this moment in time. Notice I focused on the positive there, that's what YOU have to do. Don't think of it as rejection, rejection is a negative term thrown around too much - think of it as opportunity to improve and become better than what you already are.

 

He chose to live life without you at this moment but nothing you can do can change that, you aren't above him pulling his strings, he's doing that himself. What you feel one day can totally change the next day, we've all been through that. It's tough to find that extra strength to see light at the other end of the tunnel but you'll set yourself up amazingly well if you can do just that.

[remster]

Been another difficult day today, i had deleted my ex's number from my phone so i could not be tempted to text her. I also deleted all the text because it was hurting reading them all the time and woundering how it went so wrong so quickly.

 

I found a text which didnt delete, was one i had locked because i liked it. So there i was with this text, perfect from her just as it always was, i ended up writing a reply in the hope..... Luckly i never sent it, i deleted my reply and then deleted the locked text.

 

I cant tell you how close my finger was to pressing on the send button, i think i was strong on this occasion, but im really struggling at moment. I just want to reach out to her.....

[Aleina2011]

Been another difficult day today, i had deleted my ex's number from my phone so i could not be tempted to text her. I also deleted all the text because it was hurting reading them all the time and woundering how it went so wrong so quickly.

 

I found a text which didnt delete, was one i had locked because i liked it. So there i was with this text, perfect from her just as it always was, i ended up writing a reply in the hope..... Luckly i never sent it, i deleted my reply and then deleted the locked text.

 

I cant tell you how close my finger was to pressing on the send button, i think i was strong on this occasion, but im really struggling at moment. I just want to reach out to her.....

 

I can totally relate. I am sorry I don't have words of comfort for you. Like you, I am finding it very difficult these days. The urge is so strong. Then I think that he doesn't want me to text/call and that contacting him can only make him feel even more angry at me. But this very thing, instead of helping me want to move on, makes me even more miserable. The very person I love can't stand me and would rather be by himself than with me. The thought alone drives me crazy and is making me powerless. I had to take an hour off work today because I felt too ill. I hate carrying around my misery, I know it's not attractive. Sorry I am supposed to offer you help and support!! Just know you are not alone in this.

[remster]

Aleina,

 

Thats the biggest thing about being on here, its somewhere where you can off load to and also know your not alone in the current situation. Ive been struggling the last 4 weeks now, but slowly it is getting easier. I dont know what she is up to, even if she is with someone else, at first i wanted to know. I guess if she is ill find out eventually but at moment its easier as i think she must be in the same position as me, alone, lost of the feelings we had etc etc. But you need to work on you now, go to your friends and have a good girly heart to heart. Its best way, get it out your system at least for tonight or the weekend.