How to heal yourself with love and gratitude in your heart

[The Man Who]

Maybe he's right on this...

 

Then again maybe he isn't....

 

Every situation is different, his method won't work for them all but personally I wouldn't bother easing out of things.

 

Would be interesting to see those who have tried his method and achieved success.

[dabbledave]

You've got to set your expectations low and prepare for the worst. Assume the worst.

 

I know you are well-meaning in saying that, but there is no way I am going to "set my expectations low" and "assume the worst". It was exactly that attitude that led to the break-up.

 

I've got myself back. I want my ex back. I am realistic in that I know I don't NEED the ex to be happy, but right now I'm not going to give up on us. I know I may be doing the wrong things and driving her away ... It's that sort of advice I'm seeking, not the usual NC stuff.

[dabbledave]

Just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, doesn't make him a bad person!

 

Exactly.

[BlueRose66]

DD-I can really relate to your situation and see much of my relationship and how I handled the end in yours. For me, my ex lives 40 minutes away and she has expressed a desire to be friends. I am letting it all go for now. I need this time to see our patterns, heal and let her miss me. I need to get over her completely if I have any chance to even be friends.

I may send a Christmas card, but not sure yet. I just know that I need to let it go. I was unhappy in the relationship ( in certain ways only ) and I need to figure out why I chose someone who is uncommunicative and passive aggressive. I need to figure out why I still want to fix her and fix us. ( Though I am NOT doing those things ) the desire to fix is still there. I need to ask myself can I even be friends with someone who wont communicate with me directly.

 

I hear what you are saying: I got a bit passive aggressive towards the end too. My needs were not being met and I didnt feel safe in expressing them because I didnt think she would meet those needs or even respect them.

 

Dabble, I am with Lemsip too. This isnt healthy behavior. I am going to go out on a limb here too. How is it you can possibly be healed in this short period of time? I mean all the rest of us (Most of us ) are still grieving, raging and all that. That is healthy in my opinion. That is what this forum is for. Your break up is approximately the same time period as mine is and I am still going through layers of debris. I know its going to take me a long while to fully heal. Only then- after I allow the negative emotions to come to the surface to be fully felt and dealt with am I going to be healed with love and gratitude in my heart.

 

Please, allow yourself to feel all that stuff. Its good to be positve but I am also wondering if you are rushing the healing process because you want the end result now- love and gratitude. It is a worthy goal but no one gets to be at that point TRULY till they wade through all the other stuff. You will have to deal with it later on. Maybe I am just really slow at it, but gauging from others who are on this forum I am in the norm.

 

Just my 02 cents.

[The Man Who]

Dave - I want to ask this without meaning to offend but why do you want your ex back?

[dabbledave]

Dave - I want to ask this without meaning to offend but why do you want your ex back?

 

Because it was a beautiful relationship until we both * * * * ed it up. And I still love her.

[dabbledave]

Hi Bluerose.

 

Trust me I have waded through the other stuff. And I still do occasionally. And I post about it here.

 

If you have read this thread through from the start you will see how much experimentation, work work work, practise practise practise, I have put in with positive thinking exercises. I know a few people on here who have tried once or twice, maybe felt better for a day or two, and then stopped doing them. Well, that ain't going to cut it.

 

I continue to do that stuff every day to this day. Four months on and I'm in the most positive frame of mind I've ever had in my life. I have anxious moments and anxious days, which I regularly post about here, but I know how to turn them around in my head very quickly.

 

I AM full of love and gratitude for the past, which is why I refuse to hold any anger and resentment for my ex (confounding many well-meaning punters on here) and which is why I can be so positive about the prospects of getting my ex back.

 

It won't break me if she doesn't come back, because I know I can handle it. And I know she will remain a dear friend.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

This isnt healthy behavior.

 

The chat, or the lie, or posting about it here ?

 

The chat was fine. She initiated it.

 

Obviously I regret the lie that got out of hand. Lying is unhealthy.

 

Posting here ... I dunno.

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[BlueRose66]

Dabble, I believe and its just my opinion that you havent healed if you are still holding on. You arent trusting to allow things to be. There seems to be a lot of contrived behavior. Yes, the lying for the main things.

 

I think its great to implement postive thinking and all the other things you are doing. But look at it again.... You have told us you got passive aggressive with her. That means you have buried anger. Have you truly dealt with that?? You seem to have issue with others who are angry or bitter. And I agree that staying in anger and bitterness is not good. But what are you angry about? What were you angry about? What needs of yours were NOT getting met? What caused you to feel insecure?

 

Have you posted about this stuff? 4 months is fresh for a BU of a significant relationship where you love someone deeply. I had a 4 year relationship too.....

 

You just told me that you get yourself out of a negative mindset very quickly by doing mental excersises. That is all well and good. I know you need to embrace your anger like a new born baby. Our negative emotions are our teachers. We need to heal by allowing the feelings to surface and feeling them and learning what they are trying to tell us.

 

Are you doing this or just running whenever you feel uncomfortable???

[dabbledave]

That means you have buried anger. Have you truly dealt with that??

 

Back in August, at the end of my post-BU backpacking, before returning to this country to start my new business, I stayed at her place for three days. On the last evening I managed to talk to her about a relatively minor issue that nevertheless became the turning point in the relationship:

 

 

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Upon reflection (trying to sleep) I do concede that I am over-thinking every exchange and trying too hard ... I need to chill out and let nature take its course ... while I will continue to welcome any contact initiated by her, there'll be no more BS from me!

 

Thank you folks for the reality check; I appreciate it!

 

DD

 

PS If she asks about tonight's dinner, I'll say it was just a business-related conversation and leave it at that.

[dabbledave]

I accepted a long time ago that we were broken up ... but I can't accept any thought that we will never be together again.

 

Using the techniques I talk about throughout this thread I have healed so much that I am no longer negative, depressed, resentful, angry, sad.

 

I have learned how to be positive, elated, grateful, and happy about the break-up. (Seriously!) And it's thanks to the introspection I went through after the break-up that I have found great reserves of strength.

 

I am now forging ahead with a business dream of mine (a very exciting internet start-up! ), which a few months ago I would have found impossible due to a lack of self-respect, self-confidence, and self-belief.

 

However, maybe as a by-product of my personal healing, I love my ex more than I ever have and I hold an unshakeable belief that my ex and I will be together again. My main source of negativity these days is anxiety about how and when we will reconcile.

 

This anxiety is driving my erratic behaviour in communicating with the ex, which could be viewed by some of you as borderline obsessive. While I have been resisting that view on this thread, I'm now tending to agree with it.

 

So rather than further spoiling the main point of this "how to heal yourself" thread, I have started another thread asking "How do you positively let go of your ex?"

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Back onto the topic of this thread, here are two techniques that helped me get myself back in the aftermath of my break-up:

 

How to Make Yourself Feel Better within a Few Minutes ... Try it!

This technique helped me fight feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, abandonment, and come out the other side feeling more positive about the present and the future. In steps 4 and 5, focus on only positive words and sentiments. (I should use this more often to address the anxiety I feel about reconciliation.)

 

How to Amplify Good Feelings to Get What You Want ... Try it!

This helped me get the most out the moments I did feel good. Only a few weeks after contemplating suicide I decided that I would return to this country to start this exciting internet business. I'm here now, doing it. And so far so good! I credit this goal identification and visualisation technique with that. (But don't use it in relation to your ex. I've made that mistake!)

 

Try them.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

How to Make Yourself Feel Better within a Few Minutes ... Try it!

This technique helped me fight feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, abandonment, and come out the other side feeling more positive about the present and the future. In steps 4 and 5, focus on only positive words and sentiments. (I should use this more often to address the anxiety I feel about reconciliation.)

 

It worked again!

 

It took much longer than a few minutes -- more like 36 hours -- because I had to challenge an irrational belief I had built up around inevitable and imminent reconciliation with my ex. (What was I thinking!? ;-) )

 

You guys were instrumental in helping me go through this process, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

See the thread here: How do you positively let go of your ex?

 

Note how I went through the steps:

 

1) I became aware of and acknowledged the anxiety and frustration I was experiencing over the past three weeks, then sought to figure out why.

 

2) I identified the underlying feelings, thoughts, and actions that were making me anxious and frustrated.

 

3) I consciously corrected the assumptions behind the thoughts and actions that were creating the anxiety. In this case it took a while, for instead of substituting negative assumptions with positive assumptions, I had to substitute unrealistically positive assumptions with realistic (and not particularly cheerful) assumptions!

 

4) I've constructed a more realistic scenario in my mind.

 

As a result, I'm back on the right path, and I feel so very good about that!

 

I'm so proud of myself. And I want to thank all of you who saw right through my recent delusion and bravado!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[endy]

DD the LOA is a powerful tool. However, it only works when you are using it to benefit yourself with intentions of love. It does not lie, it gives back based on your intentions and feelings. What you were giving out was push instead of pull. First step... getting yourself back and not wanting or needing anyone anymore. All you can ask the universe for is to become someone that attracts her and other women like her. I'm very broad with the LOA. All I ask for is the experiences and items that will most benefit my spiritual growth. Guess what... haven't heard from the ex in 7 months, and honestly I could care less. My vibration is probably way higher than hers. That doesn't make me better... I'm just at a point in my spiritual growth that she's not at. I would be doing her and me a disservice if I even wanted to give it another shot.

 

I'm sending her that letter soon. It's not to get back with her. It's to thank her for the experience. Hopefully from the short letter she will gain some perspective and it will open her mind a bit. Maybe it won't. That's not my problem, but I feel I need to do it. I've never learned or changed so much in my entire life. The experience caused that. I can't be any more grateful for it than I am. It's been by far the most beneficial experience and series of events in my life. That's the only reason that letter is being sent after 7+ months.

[The Man Who]

I'm so proud of myself. And I want to thank all of you who saw right through my recent delusion and bravado!

 

Cheers,

 

DD

 

Good, now don't let it happen again or you'll get 10,000 lashings

[dabbledave]

I've never learned or changed so much in my entire life. The experience caused that. I can't be any more grateful for it than I am. It's been by far the most beneficial experience and series of events in my life.

 

Me too, mate!

 

This recent battle with unrealistic beliefs/expectations was another lesson I had to learn.

 

For once one had loaded up on positive mental attitude or LOA or religion whatever it is that "saves" one, it easy to take it a little too far.

 

That's what happened to me. I was starting to drink my own Kool-Aid for a while there, which was neither cool nor helpful!

 

 

 

Cheers,

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Good, now don't let it happen again or you'll get 10,000 lashings

 

Whoa there. Steady boy. Are you sure those subliminals are sending you healthy messages? ;-)

 

DD

[The Man Who]

Whoa there. Steady boy. Are you sure those subliminals are sending you healthy messages? ;-)

 

DD

 

Damn right Dave!

 

Right at this very moment I'm listening to super confidence and I feel awesome should work well for tonight as once I come home from the gym I'm going to a Beatles tribute band.

[dabbledave]

While it has only been a couple of days since realigning my expectations and making the decision to let nature take its course in relation to my ex, I feel very good.

 

The few friends I have in this new town I live in have been away this weekend. Rather than feeling lonely and obsessing about the ex, I've had some decent "quality" time to myself. Quality? Well, watching movies and TV shows downloaded from the net, actually.

 

I will get back to the gym tomorrow morning. I have let that slip the past few days.

 

DD

[dabbledave]

Weong thread ... sorry!

[Hope2011]

This is an excellent thread!!

[remster]

Hi guys, not been on here for a while, i got set back quite a bit last week, i basically found out she was seeing someone else within 2 weeks of her asking for a break. As you can imagine this was not the best news, especially when i found out by accident, she was never going to tell me.

 

Anyway im picking myself up now, im holding firm on not contacting her, even its her birthday on Monday, she is getting nothing. Im erasing her out my life, everything she bought me has gone in the bin, and i tell you what it actually felt really good.

 

Chin up guys, everything happens for a reason, im now going to get ready for the woman of my dreams to enter my life, and ill be a stronger person.

[ZenPhoenix]

Dave - amazing thread - THANK YOU! And yes, I did try the simple affirmations when negativity began to creep in. The "thank you", and the "I love you".

 

Thing is, how do you manage it (or better yet, steer away from it) when the practice itself leads inadvertantly down a negative path (usually involving the loss)?

 

Thanks,

ZP

[dabbledave]

Dave - amazing thread - THANK YOU! And yes, I did try the simple affirmations when negativity began to creep in. The "thank you", and the "I love you".

 

Thing is, how do you manage it (or better yet, steer away from it) when the practice itself leads inadvertantly down a negative path (usually involving the loss)?

 

Thanks,

ZP

 

Hi ZP,

 

The practice itself should not lead to negativity, because you're focused on what you love and are grateful for now, the present moment. (Please do not include your ex as a subject of your love affirmations!) The practice is a great way to elevate your mood in the short term so that you can move forward with a smile.

 

Moving forward will inevitably involve taking stock of the past. When you do think about what happened, try not to dwell on only your feelings about it. Acknowledge your feelings and let them express themselves in a healthy way. But then think more deeply by analysing the causes of your feelings. The causes of your feelings are the thoughts you hold. Behind the thoughts are assumptions. Once you identify the assumptions you can then challenge them with alternatives to build new more positive thoughts that make you feel better.

 

By the way, last month I struggled with "letting go" of my unrealistic expectations for reconciliation. A lot of people said "let go ... let go". I didn't know how to do that. That's why I started this thread to find a solution.

 

What I figured out for myself (with the assistance of our friends on here) is that letting go of something is a process of challenging your assumptions about it with the aim of reducing its relative importance in your life. It's a similar process to challenging the assumptions behind the negative thoughts that make you feel bad. It is an active process of acknowledging feelings, analysing thoughts, and challenging assumptions.

 

Cheers,

 

DD