Grandparents help

[Terry100]

Hi,

 

Me and my girlfriend are both in our 30's and have an 18 month old daughter. My girlfriend works part time and works shift and so our daughter goes to a childminder 2 days a week. On those 2 days my parents or her parents need to pick my daughter up at 5pm and look after her until 6.30pm when I get home from work.

Here's where the problem lies. My girlfriends parents live 2 minutes down the road. Her mum still works but is usually able to leave slightly early to pick up our daughter whenever needed, which is great. My parents live about 30 minute drive away and so we now ask my mum and my girlfriends mum to each get my daughter one day a week (as they always say they're keen to help out loads). My girlfriends mum, never has much on in the evenings so is nearly always able to get my daughter without any problems.

My mother is retired but seems to have an ever busy social life in the evenings and if she has nothing on, she will gladly get my daughter, but if she has something already booked with friends then she says she can't which means either I have to leave work really early to get my daughter (which causes problems at work), or my girlfriends mum gets her again instead (which isn't totally fair to have to rely on her all the time).

Part of the problem is because my girlfriend works at a hospital on a rota so doesn't find out what days she'll be working until a couple of weeks beforehand. That's where the main probelms happens as we then need my mum at fairly short notice, but its normally 50/50 (or less to be honest) whether my mum can then do it. If she has more notice (say a month) then it's more likely 85 - 90% chance she can pick my daughter up. So the problem is, she will never cancel meetin her friends to pick my daughter up. This is causing huge arguments with me and my girlfriend as my girlfriend now pretty much hates her for this (and her mum is pretty great too with getting her, but at the same time never has anything on so never needs to cancel things either) and I try and back my mum up, but at the same time slightly dissapointed with my mum. I do think my girlfriend is over the top sometimes though and sometimes isn't being totally realistic in expecting my mum to be able to drop her plans EVERY time (which is what she definitely expects) even though sometimes it is completely last minute and fairly often.

The other side to the coin is my dad is potentially not very well and so there is always a worry that he might not be around for much longer, so I think one of the reasons my mum places a lot of importance on her friends is because she's worried about my dad not being around for much longer and so be left all alone.

 

Basically, I need some advice as I can kind of see both sides of the stories to this but is quite blurred on whether to be be more on my girlfriends or mums side. At the moment I'm trying to stay as diplomatic as possible and keep the peace.

On one hand, I think my mum should probably cancel/rearrange the odd thing with her friends if we really need her, but also I think my girlfriend is expecting way too much in basically thinking my mum's life should be on constant standby and ready to cancel any plans she has at the drop of a hat, should her current working week demand it.

Any help much appreciated as this is really starting to cause problems with me and my girlfriend too now.

 

Many thanks is advance for any advice!!

 

Terry

[DylanNotorious]

If your mother was an employee hired by both of you to go pick up your daughter when required - then you have every right to be angry when she does not fulfill her requirements.

 

But since she does this out of love and care, you need to tell your girlfriend to back the way off - and together sit down and work out another plan of action.

 

Jeez!

[DN]

Your mother is not a free baby-sitting service and your girlfriend should be grateful that she will do it at all.

 

Your girlfriend needs to grow up and realize the world does not revolve around her and your child. To expect your mother to cancel her plans is outrageous.

[petite]

She is your mother but not the babysitter. Because she chooses to help you out does not mean she has to live her life based on your schedule. If it's such an inconvenience for you - get a babysitter that can pick the child up from daycare. or look around for a different daycare center where children can stay after 5pm.

You have no right to be upset or disappointed with your mother and your girlfriend is being immature and selfish. Both of you need to get your thinking caps on and remember this is your child and if the grandparents help out that's great but if they have other engagements too bad. You decided to have the child - it's your dutyto take care of it.

[anya1607307555]

First, I would ask if the childminder could take your child on the extra hours. Failing that, I would look into arranging alternative childcare. A part-time nanny could work around your schedule more, so the need for extra childcare won't be necessary.

 

Both grandparents' help was offered out of love, however different that may look in reality.

 

Some grandparents do not wish to become full or part time carers for their grandchildren, which is their prerogative. If your gf was raised to believe that's what is expected of grandparents, it may be difficult for her to get her head round your mother's reluctance to 'drop her own life'. By seeking alternative childcare and relieving the pressure, your gf may (hopefully) gain a new perspective and appreciation of their relationship.

[Seraphim]

I agree, grandparents are not a free babysitting service. I find it odd that people expect them to be so. Parents are required to raise their children, they are not bound by the same contract to their grandchildren. That is the parent's job. I get irritated for my mother all the time because my brother and his wife expect grandparents to be a free drop off day care all the time. When my mother looked after my son I paid her and that is while I was at work, I almost never asked her to baby sit otherwise except for maybe twice a year for me to go out. IF a grandparent wants to do something out of love that is awesome, but it should not be EXPECTED and nor should they have to give up their free time they worked danged hard for it.

[Kitkat973]

I agree that parents are responsible for their children, and that your wife needs to realize that providing childcare is your obligation as the child's parents. That the grandparents DO help is wonderful of them, but it's unreasonable to expect your mother to drop everything.

[Terry100]

Thanks to all replies. That's pretty unanimous in what people think. It's one of the reasons my girlfriend and I have been having big arguments because I stick up for my mum but my girlfriends very good at arguing her point and making it sound like my mum is the odd one out with other grandparents that I almost believe it sometimes. Posting on here is a big boost as it's now given me some clarity and stopped me from questioning myself on this.

I agree with what people are posting on here. The problem is my girlfriends parents just totally drop everything for her and our daughter (and I think that's it's always been like that for my girlfriend) that she thinks thats the norm and it's MASSIVELY hard convincing her otherwise.

After this though, I've thought of an idea that might help solve the problem. Basically I'm going to suggest we both create a joint account for a forum much like this, and both create a joint post that we both have input in (so we can't say it's biased in anway) and then we'll post it and see if we get the same kind of replies as this. If we do then I don't think she can really argue with that (at least I hope not).

Many thanks again to everyone who took the time to post. It's been a big help.

[Batya33]

Just chiming in to say that I agree with everyone especially Victoria and DN! I felt so frustrated reading about your gf's attitude - our son is 2, we have 4 grandparents alive, who live about a half hour away 2 months of the year. We travel hundreds of miles to be near them for the summer. They cannot babysit because they are elderly and have various disabilities. When they come visit it is amazing but it means extra work for us, not help from grandparents. Such is life- we are grateful to have them here and for our son to spend this time with them. They wish they could have helped us with babysitting! Your mother I am sure canceled many many plans when she was raising you and you got sick or needed her for some reason. Now it's her turn to live and good for her for having an active social life! She should get to enjoy her grandchild as much as possible with help being the icing on the cake not an expectation.

[Terry100]

Talked to my girlfriend about a joint unbiased post on a forum like I discussed in my last post, but she's not that bothered about doing it. She said even if 100% of the posts come back agreeing with me and not her, it still won't change how she views things and how she see's my mother. I can't think of anything else to do. She just won't budge on this in the slightest. Does anyone have any other ideas?

[DN]

Tell her you think she's in the wrong, that you don't want to hear any bad things from her about your mother and look into alternative babysitting arrangements.

[catfeeder]

I'd stop arguing with GF. The two of you are fully capable of making the kind of arrangements everyone else in the world needs to make--or you're not. I'd tell GF she's not to discuss your mother with you. If she's got a problem with her, she can handle it directly with your Mom--but if she opts to harm her relationship with your Mom, she'll need to live with that going forward and you won't be defending her.