Boyfriends parents racist

[lavenderdove]

I'm part Native American too and see no reason whatsover to run around announcing that or announcing that i am also part white or part irish or whatever.

 

the best way to deal with racism is to not play at all. Just make it a non-issue. His parents don't need to know anything about your ancestry at all, that is your business. You are what you are, and most people in the U.S. are Heinz-57 mutts with a lot of different sources of genetic material. Some of the worst racists on the planet probably have mixed race blood if they go back far enough.

 

And regarding looks, one could look at the new Duchess of Cambridge who just married Prince William and decide she might have some Native American or Indian or an African in her background because of her dark hair or facial features etc. Really, this is all nonsense and you just shouldn't play. If your BF doesn't refuses to play this stupid game too, then you will need to find a new BF.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I'm honestly surprised at some of the responses.... I don't know how people in US think but imo, racism should not be tolerated. There is no reason for a young beautiful girl (or anyone for that matter) to lower her value and pretend she is someone else so she can stay with a coward and be part of a racist family.

[Snny]

I only skimmed this thread, but I can give you some insight because I have experience with this. I am engaged to a man outside of my race AND nationality, and my parents DID NOT accepting our relationship.

 

OP, I had it much worse than you did because my fiance was not American though he had legal status to stay in the country. However, my parents are gung-ho conservatives who supported the mentality of "If you don't want to get your citizenship here, GTFO." (my fiance is working on his citizenship test but it costs nearly 1k to take it and get a citizenship... so it's NOT cheap). They could care less about my happiness with an immigrant student I met at a college and accused me of having an "Asian fetish" though it was not the reason why I chose to be with him. My relationship with him started right around your age and no one in my family has dated/married to anyone outside of their race... so it was difficult for them to accept this "change." In fact, my family tried to set me back up with an abusive ex-boyfriend I once dated because they saw him a "better" suitor when they didn't know the full story why I broke up with him in the first place.

 

 

It's easier for a lot of people here to say that the boyfriend needs to stick up for the OP... but it can be more complicated than that. If the boyfriend lives with his parents, there isn't much he can do to change their minds for FORCE them to accept he is dating the OP. The only thing he can do is to choose to ignore what they say about the OP and continue to date her. After all, he is an adult and needs to express that to his parents patiently and respectfully though it is difficult.

 

Honestly, I really don't understand the fuss about the OP being a quarter Native American. I know a lot of people who have Native American roots who are white as well, and people are VERY accepting to that. However, I have witnessed (and experienced) prejudice against interracial couples on many levels. Unfortunately, it is the reality of how the world is sometimes; but you have a choice of listening to it, accepting it, or dismissing it.

 

If this relationship is meant to work out,, then you both will make it work. I am happily engaged to my fiance when we have been together... sometimes through Hell and back... for 7 years and my parents are NOW accepting him into our family. Families who are hesitant about interracial relations most likely will learn to respect their child's relationship and their spouse in later years. My advice is to not give up as long as your boyfriend supports you and the relationship to the best of his ability.

 

Thanks!

[DN]

I am troubled by the reaction of people who say things like "well you are only one quarter native american and therefore white" - suppose it was half or threequarters? Does that then make it worse?

 

Racism is the curse of our times and should never be tolerated in any way.

[lady00]

Relationships like this can only work if the person with the parents who reject their partner is willing to stand up to the parents and/or give up the relationship with the parents. It certainly isn't easy, but yes, it does happen. I know a couple who are married and have a child. Unfortunately, it does not seem like one set of grandparents will ever meet the child because the couple happens to be interracial and the parents are racist. Those parents not only lost their son but they lost the chance of meeting their grandchildren because of their ridiculous beliefs. If they are willing to give all of that up because they are racist then that's on them and obviously their son has decided that he is not giving up the woman he loves in order to fit in with his parents' view of the world. These are not easy decisions -- by sticking with you in the long term he will be risking completely losing his parents--but for some people their relationship is worth giving up a lot for. If he is not willing to stand up to his parents then you know what you need to do.

 

Edited to add: just thought of another couple who went through almost the exact same thing except that they are not of different races but of different nationalities and both sets of parents are against it. Well, this couple shows no sign of breaking up--in fact they just had a child so if their parents don't wise up and get with the program then that will be their loss. From what I understand though, upon seeing that their children are simply not going to end their relationship, both sets of parents have put in some effort to try to get along. So, it is possible that once they see that their child is happy and isn't going to drop their love, parents who are initially against the relationship for reasons of disliking a group of people due to race, national origin etc. just might change their tune. It's definitely not a given though.

 

Just thought of another example (who knew I knew so many people in this situation): in this case, the couple almost didn't make it because the parents of the groom didn't like the fact that he was dating someone outside of his race. Well, the groom's family surprisingly took the time to get to know the bride and actually ended up really liking her and getting over the fact that she wasn't the color of the person they pictured the groom marrying. His side of the family joyfully attended the wedding. After all that, his family eventually came around. So, sometimes there is a happy ending. It's not necessarily all gloom and doom even if it seems that way in the beginning. And the fact that someone may be unwilling or unable to stand up for their relationship in the beginning doesn't necessarily mean they won't muster up the courage later on and make things work. If they are lucky, the person they want to be with will still be available at that point.

[CatsMeeoow]

It seems from reading this thread that your bf is flat out telling you - its okay to date and have fun with you but that you are not the kind of girl to bring home to his mother.

 

There are all kinds of reasons to play that game - your not the right race, you come from the wrong side of the tracks, you would be seen as a gold digger to my family, your past would be a problem for my parents.

 

I think you need to get a clue - staying with this guy longer will not in any way soften his heart or his parents into changing theirs... it will only cause you more heartache the longer you hold on to these fantasies. This guy has told you straight up his parents can't find out and he has no intention of disappointing them. That means when the cat gets out of the bag you will be ditched and ditched fast and feel completely used as you are being.

 

Break up with this guy.

 

Realize your a girl that any guy should feel proud to bring home to his mother/family. Find that guy who will treat you right. Why are you settling for such piss poor treatment?

 

If this guy gets a clue when you are gone about how much he misses you and he doesn't care if you aren't "pure white" and can't wait to have children with you despite the fact that they won't be "pure white" and is willing to stand up against his parents to be with you... then he will find you and do such. If he doesn't then you will know you were just his dish on the side until the real girl he could take home to mom showed up in his life.

 

Your ethnic background should never matter but sadly this world is still full of people who think it does. If they can't get over it then move on... life is too short.

[Elika]

Thank you everyone so much for all the responses. I'm getting mixed results, some say hang in there and some say ditch him. I'm so conflicted. I so desperately wish he could turn into a success story but I'm afraid people who are saying to leave him are speaking the truth about him.

 

As far as the Native American issue, I never told his parents. That's why I told my boyfriend no one can tell but he said they're just really good at seeing that kind of thing. They think I'm a nice girl but they don't want him to date me.

 

I may stick it out for a little while longer at least til school starts so I'm really busy and distracted. Maybe he'll find he really does miss me but if not then I will know my decision was a good one.

 

Whew. Relationships are hard. Everything would be perfect between us if it weren't for his family. I guess I needed this to appreciate when times are good though and I guess you can't have it all. There always has to be some kind of road block or challenge life throws out at you. Waah just let me be happy!

 

Thank you again everyone! I love the insight everyone has provided.

[Lordreyna18]

You know what??? * * * * that guy ur a * * * * ing queen and if he don't see that then he can go screw himself bc children are suppose to leave the nest... We marry bc we leave are parents to create a family of are own and if he cant see life with in in a year or two then it's his lost I'm not gay but hey I would kill to see a native girl walking around my neighborhood they in my opinion are very exotic women well next to mexicans of course lol jk but seriously value urself for urself bc no man in this world is ever Gona see u of value and worth fighting for unless u see and believe in that about urself... So in my opinion dump he u want a man to stick up for u and fight for ur honor not some little boy whose to afraid to leave the nest

[penelope13]

Am I understanding this correct, his parents have actually not said anything negative about you, but he is already assuming that they will, although they don't know anything about your background yet?

 

I agree with the people who have stated already, HE is the real problem. Despite liking you for the time being, he doesn't like you enough to stand up to the prejudices of his family. He has already decided that he is not going to fight on your behalf. - This is not the kind of person I would like to be involved with.

[Elika]

Am I understanding this correct, his parents have actually not said anything negative about you, but he is already assuming that they will, although they don't know anything about your background yet?

 

I agree with the people who have stated already, HE is the real problem. Despite liking you for the time being, he doesn't like you enough to stand up to the prejudices of his family. He has already decided that he is not going to fight on your behalf. - This is not the kind of person I would like to be involved with.

 

Well his parents have already told him he can't date me. And they did that the first time we hung out. They don't even know what kind of person I am. They can just tell I'm not fully white so he can't date me.

 

Next month will have been 6 months that we have been dating in secret. He says he doesn't want me to leave him and he loves me but he'll never be able to give up his family and religion. Just a week ago we were in Washington and he met all of my family and was able to act like my boyfriend there. I wish we could go back to that. As soon as we got back I had to be under wraps again. He did tell his parents that he would be with me in Washington though because we've become really good friends. He also spent the 4th with me instead having us drive back so he could spend it with his family which made me happy.

 

It's so hard knowing we're happy but at the same time he's not willing to make it work in the long run.

[Firiel]

Ditch him. If he really loved you, he would be with you with none of the "let's keep it a secret, this has to be temporary" strings attached. My parents almost disowned me for being with my now-husband, and even though they were paying for my school, I didn't relegate him to some "secret boyfriend" status. My parents were being ridiculous, and I truly loved my now-husband, so I chose to stand up to them.

 

If he really loved you and understood just how racist his parents were, he would be introducing you to them proudly and taking whatever consequences resulted from that.

[FathomFear]

Can anyone say something to me, anything that might put new perspective on this? This is killing me.

 

His main "argument" seems to be this:

 

- His parents are racist and don't believe races should mix

- If they found you guys were dating they would disown him

- He can't bare the thought of losing his family, so he sees no other choice than to end the relationship

 

If you're looking for another way to view the situation, I would be clear to him that we all have the ability to create our own families. Just because his parents chose to be racist that does not mean that he suddenly should be condemend to be the same. If your boyfriend does not agree with being racist, which presumably he doesn't, it is his responsibility to make a stand. He is 21 years old and not a child. "My parents will freak out and never speak with me again" is NOT a justification for immoral behavior.

 

To draw a similar anology, I'm gay and have a few gay and lesbian friends who have little to no contact with their blood relatives. Why? Because their blood relatives disowned them for who they are and who they want to love. I mean, sure, they could have lived miserable lives by forcing themselves to be straight just to appease the family, but how could anyone see that as a positive thing? At some point you need to 1) make a stand for what is right, and 2) surround yourself with people who accept you and your relationships. Even if that means they do not share your blood. There are countless people out there who would openly accept you and boyfriend as a couple. I can guarantee you it will bring you more happiness than spending your lives trying to abide by wishes of your families.

 

While I do not advocate some of the more firm advice in this thread ("End it! He's trash!") I do agree that the ball is in his court to make a stand. Having said that, turning away from family is extremely difficult and is an idea which take time to accept. If you're serious about this relationship I would talk this through with him and try to get him to see the light. Many people never consider this approach as it goes against their instincts. But in cases like this it is absolutely necessary in order to achieve happiness.

[Elika]

Thanks for breaking that down so logically. That's the situation exactly. I've tried to convince him it's wrong. He doesn't see it that way though. It's how he's been raised but I don't understand how he can be okay with it. It's sad because I don't think he knows any better. He says it's the same as jews not being able to date anyone else and that I should accept that this is the way it has to be.

 

Maybe he just thinks I'm a college girlfriend and I'm not worth leaving his family for. It's a lot to ask for but I think it's reasonable when his family has such bad morals. He should stand up to it for himself and not just for me.

 

I know things will have to end with him eventually unless he changes but I don't think that will happen anytime soon.

 

Thanks!

[FathomFear]

Ditch him. If he really loved you, he would be with you with none of the "let's keep it a secret, this has to be temporary" strings attached. My parents almost disowned me for being with my now-husband, and even though they were paying for my school, I didn't relegate him to some "secret boyfriend" status. My parents were being ridiculous, and I truly loved my now-husband, so I chose to stand up to them.

 

I think the big difference between the above scenario and the OP's is that parents who are racist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc have likely exposed such ideas to their children all their lives. It's different than just not liking a particular person and telling your child that you'll disown them unless they break up. The OP's boyfriend has likely been bombarded with racism for a good percentage of his life. That kind of environment creates a much higher level of fear and anxiety and tends to be more difficult to reject even if you intuitively know it is wrong.

[FathomFear]

Thanks for breaking that down so logically. That's the situation exactly. I've tried to convince him it's wrong. He doesn't see it that way though. It's how he's been raised but I don't understand how he can be okay with it. It's sad because I don't think he knows any better. He says it's the same as jews not being able to date anyone else and that I should accept that this is the way it has to be.

 

Maybe he just thinks I'm a college girlfriend and I'm not worth leaving his family for. It's a lot to ask for but I think it's reasonable when his family has such bad morals. He should stand up to it for himself and not just for me.

 

I know things will have to end with him eventually unless he changes but I don't think that will happen anytime soon.

 

Thanks!

 

21 is admittedly an awkward age. You're technically an adult but likely still "plugged in" to the financial/emotional support network of your immediate family. Also, at that age 1) most parents have not yet learned how to fully regard their children as adults, and 2) most people have a hard time seeing themselves as adults at 21, and are more apprehensive of "disobeying" parents than they really ought to be. I suspect both of these factors are at play here. If you care about him I would be apt to give him more time, while at the same time setting a clear "deadline" where he needs to figure this out. I would also search Google/Youtube and find testimonials from other people who have pulled away from racist parents. Hearing stories from other people about how they overcome similar situations is not only powerful but also a great source of inspiration.

[Elika]

21 is admittedly an awkward age. You're technically an adult but likely still "plugged in" to the financial/emotional support network of your immediate family. Also, at that age 1) most parents have not yet learned how to fully regard their children as adults, and 2) most people have a hard time seeing themselves as adults at 21, and are more apprehensive of "disobeying" parents than they really ought to be. I suspect both of these factors are at play here. If you care about him I would be apt to give him more time, while at the same time setting a clear "deadline" where he needs to figure this out. I would also search Google/Youtube and find testimonials from other people who have pulled away from racist parents. Hearing stories from other people about how they overcome similar situations is not only powerful but also a great source of inspiration.

 

Yea I moved out just after I turned 18 so I've been on my own for awhile and I guess it would be hard for him since he's been living with them all this time.

 

As far as deadline goes would you say a couple months? a year? I kind of feel like he'll just say, you know it'll never work. We'll have to end this eventually. So do I still give him time when he says that. Do you think he might grow and forget all of that?

 

And the moment he told me about his parents I went online looking for stories and have found some. I sent them to him but he didn't do anything about it. He is so convinced his parents will never accept it. He won't do anything to upset his parents. I was hoping the stories would inspire him to do the same but I don't think it will.

[Elika]

I think the big difference between the above scenario and the OP's is that parents who are racist/homophobic/xenophobic/etc have likely exposed such ideas to their children all their lives. It's different than just not liking a particular person and telling your child that you'll disown them unless they break up. The OP's boyfriend has likely been bombarded with racism for a good percentage of his life. That kind of environment creates a much higher level of fear and anxiety and tends to be more difficult to reject even if you intuitively know it is wrong.

 

That's why I think he won't change easily too. He says he wishes his life weren't like this and he wishes we could just go Washington and live like we were in front of my family. He said it would be so much easier but he knows he can never do that. He could just be saying this to make me happy but I believe him... Also he said that if he had a problem with race he wouldn't be seeing me. So I would like to believe that there is good in him and that it's just repressed by his parents.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Should I give him time to try to work out? Or there's the fact that he may never change. He may always give into his parents wishes. He said it'll never change. But I would like to think he'd grow his own pair someday and go against it.

[Ariel85]

I asked him if he believes in the same thing and he said it's what's expected of him.

 

Sounds like he's also admitted he's just as racist.

[abitbroken]

He is really sending you mixed signals "I can't be with you...but don't leave me." I normally am not one for ultimatums, but in this case, I believe it is warranted. I would tell him that either he dates you "for real" as far as you are not hidden anymore, or you need to leave him. And he has to make that choice. If he tells you that his parents rule, then you have no choice. If he still does the wishy washy thing, then no matter how much it hurts, you will have to act and show that you are serious. I would stop accepting plans and do not be so quick to answer his calls - in fact, don't for a long long while. You are going to have to have a standard for yourself. It is one thing if he said his parents feel one way, but he doesn't. I never think breaking up should be done to get a reaction, but either then he will smarten up after awhile and realize his views don't mesh or you will be broken up forever. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be with someone whose parents told them who they could and couldn't date if the child is no longer a minor and more so that they went along with it, excluding situations where the child is bringing someone into the parents home who breaks everything on purpose and is abusive towards them - then still, they can't control, only advise.

[FathomFear]

I'm not sure what to do. Should I give him time to try to work out? Or there's the fact that he may never change. He may always give into his parents wishes. He said it'll never change. But I would like to think he'd grow his own pair someday and go against it.

 

I would give him more time and talk it through with him more. Emotional blackmail, guilt trips from family, etc, are not easy to overcome--even if you know you are in the right. I think it's all about setting deadlines. You need to set a deadline for him, and he needs to set a deadline for his parents. In situations like this roles become reversed. He will become the parent and his parents will become the children. They will kick and scream and moan because they are not getting their way. But just like with children, once you let them know that you are standing firm and not going to back down, the kicking and screaming eventually stops and they usually warm up to you again.

 

In short, you need to give him an ultimatum and he needs to give an ultimatum to his parents. "Accept me and respect my relationships or not have me in your life."

 

I would recommend watching this clip -- -- although it pertains to a different situation (evangelical parents and gay/lesbian children) I think the advice applies to any situation where a parent tries to blackmail a child due how they wish to live their lives. The approach Dan recommends is excellent.

[chels023]

Elika, I would sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him how much you're hurting (and he's hurting, too)... Maybe consider telling him that if he doesn't tell his parents and address this issue, you're going to move on.

A lot of times, people won't do anything until they realize what they might lose. If you make it clear that he might lose you for good, maybe he'll step up to the plate.

And if he and his parents either keep their heads up their asses, or if he makes the poor decision of not talking to his parents, you need to move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea - less ignorant ones, at that - and you don't need to be wasting your time.

Best of luck to you

[reidqa]

E,

 

I do not know where you are from but it seems parents today more concerned with stablity and security in relationships.

 

My wife is 100% German and parents off the boat, i am 100% latin. The faces was shocked, but when we had dinner in my house mom and dad was pleased with ability to love and support daughter.

[bulletproof]

I have to agree with some others here- I am kind of shocked by a few of the responses.

 

I don't think you should give him a timeline, because I'm not understanding why you would even want to date him when he is a) a coward, b) a racist, and c) immature. You have stated several times that he is always saying he "can't" do this or that. He can't date you long-term, he can't tell his parents. What he needs to learn is that there is a big difference between can't and won't. He is a 20-year-old man making his own choices. If he doesn't want to lose his parents' financial support, or make waves in his relationship with them, then the outcome is that he doesn't date you.

[dali]

By the time your 21 would hope you would of developed enough independence from your parents to say no to them. Sorry to say at 21 I could care less what my parents thought about my life or people in it. I wouldn't accept being hidden, never ever. He needs to tell his parents to either accept his decision or go and rot in no uncertain terms. If he can't do that it shows you his lack of conviction and the quality of his character.

[lady00]

As someone who has a strong connection with my parents (although I am not financially dependent on them) I can say that it would not be that easy to sever those ties. I care deeply about their opinions and often ask for their opinions even though I of course make the final decisions in my life. I am heavily influenced by them even at the age of 27 so I can understand the difficulty of the position the boyfriend is in. That said, I can't imagine my parents, who have always been loving and supportive, causing me to make a choice like this though. I'm not defending the boyfriend's actions but I guess I'm just saying I can see why a person wouldn't just up and cut ties with his parents. Just because you are not financially dependent on your parents after a certain point doesn't mean you are not deeply connected to them in many other ways. I still think it's the wrong choice for him to go along with what his parents want. But it definitely won't be emotionally easy to go against them. In fact it will probably be devastating to him as it has been to the people I know of who have cut ties with their parents in order to be with the people they love.