abitbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know, I've tried to tell him that but he can't leave them or go against them or anything. I so desperately want him to see it but he can't and won't. Well-- how old are you guys?? btw, i hate to call a spade a spade, but your boyfriend is also a racist in a way. He doesn't speak out saying you are bad or negative like his parents, but he is hiding you because of what others will think. He is not saying to mom and dad "i dont care" - if he has never dated someone outside of 100% caucasian, he has no idea what they will really do IF anything. They might not. They might just be disappointed and thats all until they get over themselves. btw, are the rest of his relatives - siblings, grandparents, cousins the same and they all sort of roll their eyes at how silly the parents are, or do they feel the same? Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Also, thank you everyone for writing me. I needed these thoughts and feeling confirmed. I'm sorry I'm not very good at the whole replying in a forum thing. So many people wrote me. Thank you so much. It means a lot. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 BTW, here is another thing Elika - if he caves to his parents on something important to him, is he the type to cave to them on other things in his life?? You may not want to deal with that. btw, suspicion comes from fear or the unknown. Are they suspicious of you because of your heritege, or are they suspicious in that they suspect your are dating behind their back. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well-- how old are you guys?? btw, i hate to call a spade a spade, but your boyfriend is also a racist in a way. He doesn't speak out saying you are bad or negative like his parents, but he is hiding you because of what others will think. He is not saying to mom and dad "i dont care" - if he has never dated someone outside of 100% caucasian, he has no idea what they will really do IF anything. They might not. They might just be disappointed and thats all until they get over themselves. btw, are the rest of his relatives - siblings, grandparents, cousins the same and they all sort of roll their eyes at how silly the parents are, or do they feel the same? I'm 21 turning 22 this october and he's 20 turning 21 next month. He said if his parents ever found out they'd disown him. He seems pretty convinced they would. I would like to think they'd get over it but I think he's serious. I'm not sure how his grandparents think. I'm assuming the same way since this is how his parents were raised. He has a younger sister and I'm assuming it's the same way with her. She was able to bring her boyfriend over because he was white. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 If he can't stand up to them, then your decision should be obvious. Don't bother being with someone that is afraid of their parents especially when it comes to love. Tell him he either stops hiding you or the relationship is over because he is no better than they are if he wants to hide you from them. I wish I had the strength to leave him but I can't. We tried breaking up a month ago but couldn't stay away from each other. I just want him to see things the way I do and be with me. I know that'll never happen though. Link to comment
Cagedfeelings Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 "I want to keep dating him to see if he ever changes his mind but at the same time he seems to know for sure it won't last." Read that again to yourself. If he clearly knows and thinks that it won't last long then don't you think it's best to break up, as hard as that sounds? Take this as a lesson well learned to not meddle with men who can't stand up to their parents. Don't you want someone who won't be afraid to show you off as his significant other? Because honestly, how long do you think you can keep on waiting until he gets the guts to face his parents. That could take years and by that time, you could have moved onto someone much better. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 "I want to keep dating him to see if he ever changes his mind but at the same time he seems to know for sure it won't last." Read that again to yourself. If he clearly knows and thinks that it won't last long then don't you think it's best to break up, as hard as that sounds? Take this as a lesson well learned to not meddle with men who can't stand up to their parents. Don't you want someone who won't be afraid to show you off as his significant other? Because honestly, how long do you think you can keep on waiting until he gets the guts to face his parents. That could take years and by that time, you could have moved onto someone much better. I know. I'm sorry I really wish I could end it. I just can't right now. Things were going so well until he told me. I don't know how to end it. I wish he could stand up to his parents but he won't. Link to comment
petite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I wish I had the strength to leave him but I can't. We tried breaking up a month ago but couldn't stay away from each other. I just want him to see things the way I do and be with me. I know that'll never happen though. You are stronger than you think now, believe me. You need to stand up for yourself otherwise he will just keep putting you down because by being afraid to stand up to his parents, he is degrading you. Don't let anyone put you down like that. I know many people that have severed ties with their parents because they were racist and personally I'd be no different. If my parents didn't like my parents because of his race or color or whatever, I wouldn't think twice about cutting my ties with them. Simply advise him that unless he makes it known that you're together, the relationship wont ever work - and you're just wasting time. Why not invest that time into someone else that isn't ashamed of you? Link to comment
petite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I know. I'm sorry I really wish I could end it. I just can't right now. Things were going so well until he told me. I don't know how to end it. I wish he could stand up to his parents but he won't. Why can't you end it? You're a strong person! you will live and breathe without him too. It might look seem like the end of the world now, but if you don't stand up for yourself now, expect to be walked over by him in the future. Stand your ground! You can do it and it will build your confidence. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 You are stronger than you think now, believe me. You need to stand up for yourself otherwise he will just keep putting you down because by being afraid to stand up to his parents, he is degrading you. Don't let anyone put you down like that. I know many people that have severed ties with their parents because they were racist and personally I'd be no different. If my parents didn't like my parents because of his race or color or whatever, I wouldn't think twice about cutting my ties with them. Simply advise him that unless he makes it known that you're together, the relationship wont ever work - and you're just wasting time. Why not invest that time into someone else that isn't ashamed of you? Maybe I'll try after this week is over. We just have so much going on together that it would make it so hard. It's so hard ending it though. We don't fight or anything. We get along so well. It's perfect when we're together. We're so happy. It's hard ending something that you're still happy with. Link to comment
petite Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I understand it is hard. I've been there and I know how painful it can be, but it's also hard hiding and feeling like you're not worth it and quite frankly it's embarrassing to think that your partner can't stand up for you. It's up to you what to do, but I'd personally give the same advice to my sister if she were in a similar situation. Never let anyone put you down in such a manner, and if they are afraid of their parents reaction then they too aren't very happy with your race - that would personally be enough for me. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I understand it is hard. I've been there and I know how painful it can be, but it's also hard hiding and feeling like you're not worth it and quite frankly it's embarrassing to think that your partner can't stand up for you. It's up to you what to do, but I'd personally give the same advice to my sister if she were in a similar situation. Never let anyone put you down in such a manner, and if they are afraid of their parents reaction then they too aren't very happy with your race - that would personally be enough for me. Yeah it's just so hard. We just got back from visiting my family. It was so nice. He was able to act like my boyfriend in front of them. I told him I wish we could ust go back and live like that and he wish he could too but he can't. He hates the situation he's in just as much as I do. I don't know why he doesn't try to do something about it. It just doesn't even make sense to me. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 He's telling you he's sure it won't work out and I don't see the allure of being hidden for years to come because he can't or won't stand up for you, for love, for his beliefs and wants. What if he were to go out on his own, would he still be opposed to dating you? Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 He's telling you he's sure it won't work out and I don't see the allure of being hidden for years to come because he can't or won't stand up for you, for love, for his beliefs and wants. What if he were to go out on his own, would he still be opposed to dating you? He still wouldn't be able to date me on his own because his parents really can't know. I'll try to end it after this coming weekend. It'll be so hard though. But I'll try. Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Do you really want to be with someone who is ashamed of you? Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Do you really want to be with someone who is ashamed of you? No but we're so happy when we're together. It's so hard. I'll try to end it though. Or maybe I should wait till school starts again so I'm busy when it happens. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Do you really want to be with someone who is ashamed of you? Great question, because that is what it boils down to. Link to comment
DN Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Well, clearly you are not happy but you are subjugating that unhappiness when you are with him. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Do you know why he started dating you if this was going to be such a problem? It seems kinda cruel. Link to comment
Elika Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Do you know why he started dating you if this was going to be such a problem? It seems kinda cruel. Because he really liked me and he wanted to be with me. He warned me from the beginning he couldn't be with me but I had no idea it was going to be this serious. I thought he'd fall in love me and forget about it. But nope. His parents won't accept me that's why. So I guess I'm the stupid one for agreeing to see him when he told me it wouldn't work in the beginning. But you have to understand. It was the 1st week of a new relationship. I was high on love hormones and who can say no to a new budding relationship. Looking back I wish I would have said no and saved myself all this grief. We're so happy when we're together though. It's this one stupid issue that's preventing us from truly being happy. Link to comment
hrtlsngl7 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 If you're only 1/4 Native....that means the other 3/4 is caucasian, meaning you look caucasion. Caucasians are mix of alot of races/nationalities i.e. french, german, dutch, english, polish,russian. and etc. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is just my opinion...so not worth much...lol! But my Goodness, you are 3/4 white, and only 1/4 American Indian...big deal, to me you are white! My grandmother had very dark skin and black hair. She lived in Wisconsin, and her husband was Norweigen. She use to write plays for her church, in which she was the Indian maiden, and the viking came and fell in love, and carried her away. She use to joke and say she was Indian, when in reality she was English and Welsh. I have a friend who's mom had light red hair, her sisters were blonde. She had black hair, and dark skin. A little French blood from way back made her look different than her family. I thought my ex was hispanic when I first met him. One of my customers asked if he was black when she looked at his picture. I found out he was the same as me....Dutch and German. He said he was called a "black Hollander"...they weren't all blonde. The point of this is...we all come out different colors...no matter if we all have 100% "white" blood or not. My best friend was "hispanic" and we use to have discussions if hispanic was a race, or a nationality. She was the only dark one in her family. The others were all light skinned....so how in the world can his family "tell" that you are of a different 'race'....Sheesh....I think it's cool that you have a little "original american" blood in you...You can tan easier than me...lol!! I'm envious! Norweigen and Dutch----pale faces....bummer! Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 so is he eventually gonna break up with you? cuz even now he still doesnt think he can fight against his family a bit? Link to comment
Realitynut Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 oops poster ahead of me said the same thing as I..except I use 5 times as many words...but we meant the same thing....You look like a beautiful caucasian, with a little "greek" maybe mixed in. OR maybe a little "french" blood, or maybe a little "hispanic", or maybe a little *gasp* Native American. I bet it made you beautiful, and nothing he should be ashamed of! He should just introduce you to his family, and if they ask him in private if you are of a different 'race', He can say, nope, "she's one hundred percent American, through and through", and he wouldn't be lying! Link to comment
Lester Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Some guy on the tube two days ago was pushing his book. He was shocked to find out that his grandfather was black. Do an ancestry search on your boyfriend’s parents. Also, show his parents your 1700’s land deed to the real estate they are using to manipulate their son. Dysfunctional parents can wreak their kid’s lives. Don’t underestimate their ability to wreak yours. Link to comment
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