Boyfriends parents racist

[DN]

Is it a 'this way or that way' situation though? I wonder what would happened if he said to them "This is my girlfriend, I am going to be with her, and I would like you to put aside your feelings about mixed race and accept her as my girlfriend."

 

If they know he is serious and would choose her over them - they may not be quite so assertive.

 

But he has not chosen to do that and for that reason I think you should move on.

[FathomFear]

I have to agree with some others here- I am kind of shocked by a few of the responses.

 

I don't think you should give him a timeline, because I'm not understanding why you would even want to date him when he is a) a coward, b) a racist, and c) immature. You have stated several times that he is always saying he "can't" do this or that. He can't date you long-term, he can't tell his parents. What he needs to learn is that there is a big difference between can't and won't. He is a 20-year-old man making his own choices. If he doesn't want to lose his parents' financial support, or make waves in his relationship with them, then the outcome is that he doesn't date you.

 

And frankly I find it shocking that people are shocked that some don't see this as an easy black/white issue. Let's be realistic here. This guy has known the OP for a few years. He has known his parents/family his whole life. Rejecting people you have known your whole life--your very blood relatives--is a difficult process even if you know you are morally in the right. If she really cares about this guy she will appreciate that and give him a reasonable amount of time to figure out. This is not something that can occur with the flip of a light switch. While the OP should definitely not wait around indefinitely for this guy, I think it's reasonable to also give him a fair amount of time/support/guidance to help him overcome the situation.

[bulletproof]

And frankly I find it shocking that people are shocked that some don't see this as an easy black/white issue. Let's be realistic here. This guy has known the OP for a few years. He has known his parents/family his whole life. Rejecting people you have known your whole life--your very blood relatives--is a difficult process even if you know you are morally in the right. If she really cares about this guy she will appreciate that and give him a reasonable amount of time to figure out. This is not something that can occur with the flip of a light switch. While the OP should definitely not wait around indefinitely for this guy, I think it's reasonable to also give him a fair amount of time/support/guidance to help him overcome the situation.

 

I agree that it is not that cut and dry. I think I am looking at it from the perspective that they have been dating for six months now, and known each other for longer. And in that time he has not even gotten to the stage where he says he would even consider standing up for himself and for her. I guess all anyone can say is how they would feel about it, and I think I would feel horrible if my bf was behaving this way.

 

I also think this is a turning point for the op's bf. If they are doing this now, what happens if they have an opinion about someone he's dating ten years from now? He's basically putting off the inevitable, i.e., finally having to tell his parents that they cannot control who he dates.

[dreamdancer]

This is a few weeks after your original post, but I wanted to give my two cents because I am currently in the position of your boyfriend. I have been dating my bf for almost 2.5 years. He's Puerto Rican and dark skinned. When I was 18 (I'm not 24) my mom found out I was dating a student that was african american and she essentially told me that my worth in the family was tied to who I was dating, and that if my father found out I was dating a black man he would never speak to me again. I ignored her and dated him behind their backs.

 

That first boyfriend turned out to be an abusive bastard. But I put myself back together, alone, because I had no friends in the area and refused to tell my mother and contribute to her racism. I vowed never to date outside my race again, because I realized how much I needed my family. It hurt too much get through that kind of thing without any support. Flashforward to my senior year of college: My BF and I start hooking up because we were attracted to each other and trusted each other. I told him right at the start, before we did anything, about my family and how our relationship had to be casual. But we quickly fell in love.

 

I graduated and moved back home. My parents supported me for a full year after my graduation, while my BF and I were dealing with Long Distance. I was working my butt off at minimum wage just to pay my student loans, my BF and I had only truly had 2-3 months with each other in the same place, it seemed downright foolhardy to risk losing my only means of supporting myself for a relationship that was yet untested. My BF understood. A year later I threw caution to the wind and moved back to my college town to be with him during his senior year of college. Again, I didn't tell them; at first I didn't know if we would work out, or if I would have to come home because I couldn't find a place to live or afford food. My BF was a blessing and supported me emotionally, financially, and otherwise. Our relationship grew, we both learned that we were together for the long haul. I vowed that i would tell my parents as soon as I knew where I was going to graduate school and knew that I had a way of supporting myself.

 

Come February I find out that I was accepted to an excellent graduate school with a solid stipend. Here was the moment of truth. I worried myself sick. I started seeing a therapist and I realized that my issues with my parents run much deeper. When I discovered that I would likely need to live at home for the summer and go back on my parents insurance so I could have surgery, my therapist outright begged me not to tell them until after I was on my own and healthy.

 

I'm not a coward. It's not simply about standing up for myself. I'm not ashamed of my BF in the least. But life is complicated. When I tell them next month, I may likely destroy what little relationship I've been able to establish with my alcoholic father. His world is very narrow, and I'm terrified this may send him off the deep end. My brothers live at home, I am terrified about dropping such a bombshell and leaving them to deal with the tension in a house that is already fragile. Despite her flaws, I consider my mom to be one of my best friends. I tell her nearly everything. She has instilled in me my entire life that family comes first, so for me to (at least in her eyes) choose a boy over family and to have hidden it for 2.5 years, That is a terrible betrayal. But I stand by what I've done and I won't apologize for it. I have been doing the best I can in a truly awful situation. I look back and don't see how I could have rationally done it any other way.

 

 

So the point of this whole story is: It's complicated and there is no right answer. I have to disagree with the posters who tell you to dump him because "he needs to be an adult and stand up to his parents and not be ashamed of you, etc, etc" That kind of advice only works in a world that is cut and dry. Real life is so much messier.

 

What does really concern me is the fact that he lays the blame on you. He says "if only you weren't X" then I could date you. I have never and would never say such a thing to my BF. There's is nothing wrong with your ethnicity, but for your BF to say "if only you weren't..." then he put the blame on you. Does he ever says "if only my parents weren't racist...?" Secondly, I never intentionally strung my bf along. Yes I tried to break up with him twice during our long distance period because the stress was affecting my health and I didn't think it was healthy to continue the way we were. But it wasn't because I didn't think I had the balls to tell my parents when the time was right, it was because I didn't think I could manage the stress until such a time was possible. Once we knew we loved each other and we decided to be together, I was in it to be in it. I didn't tell him that one day in some vague future we would have to break up and that's just how it is.

 

21 is young, but it's not too young to have a mature relationship and make mature decisions about your life. The way you've described him, he doesn't sound like he's interested in fighting for you, now or ever. As a person in his situation, I find that offensive. He's trying to enjoy all the benefits without any of the guilt. He needs to make a choice- is he in the relationship or not. It doesn't mean that he has to tell his parents right away, but it does mean he has to give you a straight answer and commit.

 

Good Luck!