mark4 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 After a 3 year relationship and two years previous on/off dating my ex dicided she wanted space in February, it crushed me and I went through the begging, crying phase. After a 2 weeks I found ENA, I decided to accept it was over and beging NC. 1 Week later my ex contacted me, crying on the phone saying she missed me and what we had and would do anything to make things work. For the next two months I was subjected to a lot of hot and cold behaviour. I believe over the the time she was weening herself off me and we began to spend less and less time together. Her feelings werent there anymore and it showed. I think I became her backup incase her new single life went wrong. Which it didn't and I became what felt like her last priority. I tried my best to cope but in the end I had to call it a day and withdraw myself from the situation as it sent me back to square 1. In the week before I decided to end it I lost all of the confindence I had built up, I was totally sucked in by her and lost sight of putting myself first. My ex and the broken relationship became my priority again and I became all desperate and needy and in the end I just became a big pool of sadness. Last weekend I went NC again, it has been really tough second time around to be honest. After this weekend though i'm feeling better, however she is still on my mind pretty much most of the day. The worst points are when I go out with friends, the next day when i'm hungover I just cry and cry and cry. Fortunately a few hours later I am able to pull myself together, but I know that deep down because that is happening I am still grieving for the love that I lost. I am keeping busy, I have a good job, I have taken up golf and I joined the gym straight after she said she wanted space very early on. So I know i'm on the right road, I think I should keep a journal here as it will be beneficial to let some feelings out now and again. The opinions and advice of ENA members has been invaluable throughout my break up. There are still some issues to be sorted out, 1 week today is a concert I bought 2 tickets for my ex for christmas, they arrived the other day. They cost me over £120 for the pair. Do I still give her them? I don't really want to have to contact her and give her a gift. Another issue is that she is really clinging to my friends, ones that she never even used to speak to she has redoubled efforts to become friends with them, I find this really annoying. Those friends are aware of this at least, it seems transparant to them and they have all assured me that they are my friend before hers and they believe she will gradually fizzle out. It is my best friend's son's christening at the weekend and I am worried she is going to turn up. I am the godfather and I want to enjoy the day rather than worrying about my ex! Thanks for taking the time to read this, any thoughts,advice or opinios would be greatly appreciated! Mark4 Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 any one got any opinions on what I should do about the tickets? Link to comment
CMS Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Did you promise them to her, if you did I see no reason why you should not keep your words (I know I would have kept the words). If not then go ahead and bring someone else. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 Well I've never promised them, but I feel like, why should I give such a nice gift to someone who dumped me and then used me as a backup for the last two months? My mother said 'you would be off your head to give her the tickets'... I am definietley not going, if we were together she would have both tickets. For all I know there could be another boy involved with her now! Giving her a treat just seems so wrong! Link to comment
CMS Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Well its my principle of life to keep my words so I would gave her the tickets only if I promised them and since you did no such thing then I do not see any reason why you should not go or just sell it, get rid of it. Link to comment
RealCity19 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Similar situation Mark. I had a girl who saw the grass was greener on the other side. She dumped me and then 3 weeks later she is in another relationship. She put on a huge show of how happy she was posting pictures of the two of them just a month later and talking about how happy she was about her decision. Well, she then took that time to work super hard for our mutual friends, something she never did in the past. Well as she saw people not paying attention to her she started grasping for straws. Things she was doing were direct jabs as me, which is incredibly immature for someone in their late 20s. Our mutual friends did however say all of the same things to me. She has been cut off completely as they know she is not the best of friends. She has now brought both of my parents into it trying to be on good terms with them so she doesn't look as bad and blaming me for not including her in an activity that included all of our mutual friends. People can see through that crap though. It's hard not to hang onto. I still love my ex, have been in NC for 2.5 months and would do anything to see her again however I know deep down it would set me back ages. I did beg/cry at first sadly, which I am sure drove her right into his arms, but I truly thought she was something worth fighting for. Best piece of advice I can give you, you can't make someone love you, however if the love is true, you will end up together. If not, the right person is out there waiting for you. The old saying if you truly love someone let them go, if they come back you will know it was true love. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I don't like that you would do anything to see her again when she is with some other guy now! That's not good, we both need to move on - totally. We can't go back now, Even though I don't know for sure, I guess that there is another boy in the frame with my ex. For that reason I would never go back, and even if there isn't I wouldnt anyway because she dumped me, reeled me back in when I went NC, used me as an emotional crutch, got herself over the relationship, started being a total d*** to me even though I was bending over backwards taking her on date after date. I feel like such a mug but there you go, these things happen and I have to be a man, move on and learn not to let someone dictate what I do like that ever again. I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER EVER RISK MY HEALING FOR MY EX EVER EVER AGAIN. I went back to square one. It's not a nice place to be or get back out of. I've sold the tickets, done. She's my ex, i'm not giving her anymore presents, meals, cards, love, time, care. Not even a text message. Finally feel like i'm letting go and it feels amazing. Life certainly is less dramatic without her around that's for sure! Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I am glad to read you did not give her the tickets. She is your ex and you owe her nothing. Keep moving forward and you will be OK in time. Link to comment
RealCity19 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Oh don't be confused Mark, I would love to see her but the moment she told me about him I cut off all contact. I have been strong for 2.5 months now and deflected all of her attempts to get in contact with me. We were "best friends" on her word for 8 years total, 2 of which were dating, she still tries to play the I can't wait to be best friends again card. Best friends do not do that to one another. I have not directly heard from her in a month. The next time she tries to contact me I have a response: "You said you needed time apart to decide whether you could live without me or not. You made the decision that you can live without me, so I have taken this time to decide whether friendship is an option and come to the conclusion that I want no part of you in my life. Best of luck in all of your future endeavors." Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I am glad to read you did not give her the tickets. She is your ex and you owe her nothing. Keep moving forward and you will be OK in time. Thank you for the support, i'm glad its done. Already got the money When she broke up with me I lost double that amount of money on a holiday deposit anyway. Small consolation! Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 She is coming to the christening of my best friends son where I am the godfather... Any advice on how to deal with this? Why is she trying to cling onto my friends and re-double efforts to see them all the time? Link to comment
RealCity19 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 If you find our t let me know... Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 does anyone have any advice on this and what to do about her clinging onto my friends girlfriends (she barely made an effort with them before the break up but has now re-doubled how often she makes plans to see them etc) I'm nervous that the christening is going to be a setback. Link to comment
CMS Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Well you had to be there so there is no avoiding her. I guess sometimes things just can not be avoided. I say just have faith in your friends, and the true friends would stick with you. Regarding the christening, just tough it out and try not make a scene, I would acknowledge her with a wave or something then leave her alone and worry about set backs later. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Mark, it looks to me like she has started chasing after you. In fact, with what you have said about her contacting your friends, well that certainly has more than a sniff of desperation and obsession to me. I agree, stay chilled with regard to the christening. Just be polite as you would to a stranger in a store and maintain your dignity. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 Mark, it looks to me like she has started chasing after you. In fact, with what you have said about her contacting your friends, well that certainly has more than a sniff of desperation and obsession to me. I agree, stay chilled with regard to the christening. Just be polite as you would to a stranger in a store and maintain your dignity. I'm not so sure about that because my last attempt at contact went completely ignored, I miss the ex of the past but not the ex of 2011.... when she went all cold on me. I'm still gutted about it and do not wish to reconcile anymore, I already tried and I don't like the person she has became. I want to look forward to the christening as I am godfather I am just annoyed that she is turning up. I just want to get on with my life now. Link to comment
dramallama Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 Remember, someone can miss you, but wanting to be WITH you can be a totally different story. It may not be you and the relationship that she misses, but you as a friend or simply having control over you. Some dumpers, especially women, will not go down without a fight. It's such a big ego boost to be followed around and when you take that away from women, they do not like it one bit. Re: the christening. Do not initate conversation with her. If you accidentally look in her direction, pretend like you are looking through her or didn't see her. Try to act relax and not self-conscious. It's your right to be there so don't be nervous. If she initates conversation with you don't act like you've been waiting for it all day or expecting it. Play it cool and treat her like a stranger - polite but distant. After talking to her for a minute, politely excuse yourself even if it means turning your back on her and walking away. Don't try to make jokes or make her laugh. You are not dating her and it's not your job to leave a certain impression of her. She dumped you so now is the time to stop caring what she thinks of you. Kick her off the pedestal in your mind. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to reply I think she misses the control, now that I am out of the relationship I can see how dominant she was, even in situation where we were with my friends and I could hardly get a word in as she would dictate the flow of conversation and make it about her or trying to put me down. Thank you for the advice on how to conduct myself at the christening - I will definitely be proud of myself afterward if I can put that into action keep calm and collected and most importantly enjoy a special day. My parents have warned me that she may try to make advances to talk to me to make the day less awkward for her, I am ready for that and I am ready to end conversations and get back to mingling with my friends. I don't know what she is trying to do, or trying to achieve I just want her to leave me alone to get on with my life. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 29, 2011 Author Share Posted May 29, 2011 Turns out she is too hungover to come to the christening, what an idiot. Link to comment
RISK Posted May 29, 2011 Share Posted May 29, 2011 Thank God for that, Because the day is about that beautiful baby and the honor given to you by their parents. Good for you she is not there. ( I know the side of you that desparately hoped she would) But, in the end this all worked out for the best. God bless you and bless your honorable position which last a lifetime. Today you win she's going to be hungover and you are doing the next right thing. This is a perfect case of NC working. Link to comment
mark4 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Share Posted May 31, 2011 went out sunday, cried my eyes out when I woke up! (standard) ...hungover for the rest of the day, back to work today, feeling fine... getting the hang of this healing stuff. Ups and Downs are becoming mainly ups, quite enjoying the freedom to be honest. Been seeing my friends loads, taken up golf, playing football tonight, been playing unlimited amounts of xbox... 23 years old, whole life ahead of me. Excited to meet the person that this was all meant to happen for! Whenever and wherever she unexpectedly pops into my life Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 I dont know whats going on, I went out last night and this morning I can't stop crying, i'm at home alone and it feels like it just happened all over again, i feel like i'm living a normal life and at the back of my brain is this sadness that i am just masking and it can take over my whole body and i just become this sad person and I miss my ex so dearly, as a friend and a girlfriend, she was my best friend - just typing that makes tears fall down my face. i wish none of this had happened. Link to comment
InLimboForEver Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Our minds are very cruel to us at times, I am feeling the same today. Sad, very sad feeling today. Going to sleep is the worst, and then worst than that, waking up. Its like everything I do is temporary to help deal with the pain, and then it comes rushing back.... But I suppose one day hopefully you will be thinking, "if none of this happened I wouldn't have met You".... Hopefully a beautiful girl that truly deserves You.... Well thats what keeps me going at times, there has to be someone out there for all of us right?! Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 I'm really struggling to get out of this hole today, thinking of all the happy things and trying to block them out - today for some reason I want more than anything to have her back, it's so so sad for me Link to comment
CMS Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Yeah it happens, part of the roller coaster ride. I would hit the gym when I start to feel this way just to distract myself and work out the anger and frustration. Try that. Link to comment
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