mark4 Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I'm glad your feeling good! I have plucked up the courage to withdraw from the birthday thing on sunday... weight off my shoulders! I politely explained why to my friends g/f i'm sure she will understand, she has been my friend about 4 years longer than she has known my ex so i'm sure it'll be fine. I just didnt wanna have to be in a situation where I have to be in the same room as my ex. NC is important to me right now. I know what you mean about the early/deep relationship thing like... we are only young and we had pretty much all but locked ourselves into a relationship. Living for the relationship, caring more about another person than we did ourselves. Look at us all now, we are the ones who ultimately win because you know what - we are good lads. I know that because we are on this site, looking for guidance, helping others. We are naturally caring people. There arent many lads like us around. Our exes will realise that when their next two big boss man boyfriends cheat on them or dump them .. well , that might not happen but you know what I mean... I'm saying we are good catches. But who cares about that now, because I for one am taking my good catch a$$ elsewhere and keep on walking, i'm going to work hard at my job, i'm going to get as fit as a possible at the gym, i'm gonna play football every week, i'm gonna become decent at golf!....i'm gonna get promotions at work and i'm going to enjoy being YOUNG FREE AND SINGLE! Bring it on.... Link to comment
cole-kenneth61 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I love this thread! Out of everything ive read so far on this forum this has without doubt helped me out the MOST, and it's even got me to mae a post. Thank you. I'm around the same age as you guys at 23. Was with the ex for about 8 months, and we were planning to move in together after we'd finished uni this September in Bristol....then BOOM she gets cold feet and finishes it out of the blue as she wants to develop her own life, career and do a masters back at home. Completley understandable, although I didn't see it that way for about a month...Now, its possibly the best thing that could have happened to me! Yeh, of course there will be ups and downs...yesterday I was doing great hanging with my mates having a few beers in town, but this morning felt like crap from the hangover and convincing myself it was a great idea to have a stalk of some photos of her that popped up on a mutural friends facebook wall...start thinking to yourself, who's that guy she's stood next to? Is she giving him the eye? etc etc...analysing texts, making assumptions. Yeh, this may go on for a little while, but we just need to stay strong and take heart in that we share the same context on this thread. Ultimately, we are young and I think in the society we live in now, our 20's are all about ourselves...without being too self involved of course. Prime of our lives, no responsibility or commitment....make the very most of it! Sure, it is of credit to the relationship and each other that we were able to develop these intense feelings that got us carried away, I think that should be celebrated rather than mourned...! I loved the point made about signing off 2/3's of your life with someone on the basis of 12 months...mate, I was so ready to do that as well. Crazy in retrospective. Rather than moving in with her and getting a * * * * ty job to tie me over just for the sake of the relationship, I'm moving home for a couple of months, playing a load of tennis and golf, getting some money together then going to travel around Oz and take in a bit of freelance work for an urban design company. Then who knows, maybe come back here and do a PHd Seize the day Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Yes Thomewat!... welcome to the club! This thread has such good optimism for us young lads in our early twenties. I agree with you about gymboy's 2/3rds of your life quote, it's so true... makes you think what was I thinking!!! haha I'm going to go out on saturday with the boys and have such a good night - if i was with my ex I would have been staying in watching TV and getting a take away ( bought by me as usual of course) ... everything is half price now! haha... Try to stay away from photos of ur ex on facebook Thomewat, all they will do is set you back, there is absolutely nothing to gain from looking her up on facebook because your brain will make up the worst possible scenarios and they wont be true anyway. What I do when I catch myself thinking of looking at photos or anything ... before I do it I say no!!... and do 20 press ups as some sort of weird punishment. haha ... sounds crazy but it stops me from doing it and I also exersize at the same time, and then I laugh to myself and think what the hell am I doing pressups in my room for. Anyway ... sound like a mad man now but I dont care haha.... Young free and single, looking forward to the weekend!!! Link to comment
hausser Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 You sound like your almost there mark, dare I even say it over her. Agree on the Xbox, though in my case a PS3 as sad as it sounds it takes up big chunks of your time when you would otherwise perhaps think about them. I am in day 8 of NC and despite 3 anon calls that m ay have been her, I am starting to feel as if I don't need her in my life. We have been 6 weeks as a "non couple" so I am used to being on my own to a certain extent now. Link to comment
LTS48 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 They key for you going forward will be to realize that the moments of pleasure where you feel perfectly okay are temporary. Appreciate them for what they are, enjoy the reprieve, but remember that the down feelings will come back. It makes it much easier to handle them when they do, as you are able to prepare yourself for them and remember that they will be followed by good ones. As for seeing her? No matter how you feel you're apparently going to have to see her sometime. If you're anything like me, you will find a whole smorgasbord of reminders of the reasons you weren't happy with her every time you see her. Plus, it will make her crazy wondering why you seem to be so okay. Link to comment
hausser Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Disagree. If he's feeling good, he's feeling good there's no need to expect to feel bad just cos he feels good! Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 You sound like your almost there mark, dare I even say it over her. Agree on the Xbox, though in my case a PS3 as sad as it sounds it takes up big chunks of your time when you would otherwise perhaps think about them. I am in day 8 of NC and despite 3 anon calls that m ay have been her, I am starting to feel as if I don't need her in my life. We have been 6 weeks as a "non couple" so I am used to being on my own to a certain extent now. well I have to agree I must be almost there because if you go back and read through my threads and posts i've come a long way to be fair. I'm glad your situation is improving too. Everything is going to be fine, actually its exciting once you embrace the new life. Because it is a new life, not just the same one but without your ex. You have to totally rebuild everything, the foundations are there still ie. job, family etc but you have to go on and build your network of friends and a whole new lifestyle. They key for you going forward will be to realize that the moments of pleasure where you feel perfectly okay are temporary. Appreciate them for what they are, enjoy the reprieve, but remember that the down feelings will come back. It makes it much easier to handle them when they do, as you are able to prepare yourself for them and remember that they will be followed by good ones. As for seeing her? No matter how you feel you're apparently going to have to see her sometime. If you're anything like me, you will find a whole smorgasbord of reminders of the reasons you weren't happy with her every time you see her. Plus, it will make her crazy wondering why you seem to be so okay. In a way, you are right and there will be downs but also thats not the mindset I want to be in because i'll be letting the whole thing dominate my life. Thinking ah this is good, but i'm going to be down later... I just need to give myself a slap in the face if I get down about things but I feel i'm really turning the corner, i'm not getting ahead of myself but I am really seeing the positives of being a young free single lad. Gymboy has helped open my eyes to that, I really don't think theres any looking back for me now. Just gradual continuous improvement, physically and mentally as well as in areas of my life such as my career and the social side. Link to comment
soru Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 This thread is exactly how I feel as well. I'm 20, and she had just turned 19. Been in a relationship for a year and some change, and I thought she was worth fighting for. I gave her so much love, and she was just not receptive of it anymore, and broke up with me three weeks ago as soon as we both come back home from college. It really fits the grass is greener syndrome. I'm getting a bit better, but the sadness and extreme depression still kicks in, just not as often and as severe as it was during the first week or so. She basically contacted me two days ago strictly out of guilt it seemed, asking me if I thought she was a horrible person, and what she could do to help me move on? Hearing that was all the proof I needed to fully believe she didn't value our relationship nearly as much anymore, and wasnt gonna come back anytime soon if ever. Do I want her back? Yes and no. I was a great guy to her. Easily her most compassionate and caring boyfriend. You have to tell yourself this, that you tried and put in 100% while they only put in %50. It hurts badly...Breakups when they just walk out on you...You just have to be strong, and mark you definitely have been. Link to comment
Gymboy Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 How are you doing then boys? You had a good weekend? I've had the best weekend in a long time without involving any alcohol which is very strange for me. I was sooo hungover on Friday after a fair few beers the night before and found myself feeling really * * * * ty thinking about her, so I thought I'd lay off tue beer this weekend. I think it's mostly a tiredness, bored sort of state of mind that makes me think about her. In general Ive been really positive and have spent a lot of time around my friends and on my own and felt perfectly happy in both situations, especially over the past week. We've got so much going for us lads. Time to live life to the absolute maximum, these are the years you have to live it up and that is a great thought to focus on and puts a relationship into perspective. Every person I know at my age who is in a relationship is either living together or are planning to live together. That's between the ages of 21-24. * * * * that. That's it then though isn't it, basically you aren't going to live by yourself after you live with a partner unless you break up. I want weekends in away with the lads, I wanna go see the world and travel, have a night like the hangover, get my own place and make it into a bachelors paradise. Now is the time to do it, plenty of time to settle down in 5 or 6 years time. Link to comment
cole-kenneth61 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Good, healthy weekend down my way, got a bit of coursework done, hit the gym and had a couple of bbq's with the boys. Been staying off the beers as well....I completley feel you on that one Gymboy. Makes you feel great at the time but the state of boredum and thought process that follows the morning after isn't good for me at the moment. I'm going to hold it off on that front til Glastonbury in a couple of weekends time which is always a bit special. The most positive point from this weekend?....well, ever since the split (2 months ago roughly) I've been waking up after an interupted sleep with the sunrise at around 5/6am....not good. Anyway, today I slept in til 10. BEST sleep I've had in as long as i can remember. Definitely thinking about her a lot less and this may be one of the results I like what Mark said about doing push ups whenever you think of her as punishment...I'm doing similar, either lifting weights, reading my book or brushing my teeth or something stupid like that. It really helps, and trains you not to think of her. She has moved away from uni this weekend in a van with her parents, the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders knowing she is not here anymore feels incredible....not sad at all! Know what you mean about people moving in together at our age....a lot of guys I see who I used to go to school with seem to have wedding rings and prams with them these days. For a while (talking split seconds) I felt peer pressure to conform with that, but no way- live your life for number 1 in your 20's and stay focused on what you want to achieve individually Link to comment
Gymboy Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I know what you mean about sleeping. I've been sleeping so much better since I've read this thread. This thread is the absolute dogs left, it's so positive. Life really does go on and we've got so much to look forward to and will have so many new experiences being single. P.s really jealous of going to glasto. Got a foos ticket tho for the 3rd of July which I may actually piss myself when I hear Dave grohl belting out some music. Man life is good! Link to comment
Gymboy Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Oh and if you're having a bad moment and you turn back into that mushy wreck of a man you were a few days/weeks/months ago, get oldschool on. Funniest film ever and makes me feel happy to be a bloke and reminds me to start behaving like one. Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 thomewat & gymboy! good to hear from you's and that your both doing well! I was going on about having a mad one this weekend and all i've had is one bottle of stella hahaha! I have had 2 xbox nights, just chilling and saving for my holiday next month! Then played golf today, my ex went to the bbq thing today (my friends girlfirends birthday). I decided to stay away and go play golf, I think it was for the best. I'll be honest I was thinking about it alot today and it made me feel down. But.... I saw your post gymboy and it made me feel okay again! So what that she was there with my friends, she is nothing to do with me anymore and thats a good thing because I'm free as a bird now. Also I thought if we were still together what would I be doing, I would have HAD to be at the barbecue, but now I am free to go play golf all afternoon. With the lads of course. You know which of my friends were at the barbecue, the ones in relationships, the ones with kids, the ones with their own family houses at the age of 23-25. So actually I'm really positive now having read your posts gymboy and thomewat - so thankyou for opening my eyes as what I was seeing as a negative is actually a major positive that I am free to do whatever the hell I like! haha... I've thrown a few things out too, while i've been sober this weekend i've had a bit of a clearout... found a few 'love letter' things from the ex in my wallet and old valentines day cards with all soppy 'I will love you forever' messages inside.. what a load of BS that turned out to be eh! anyway got rid of all that stuff now and it made me feel better as it was in my mind that it was all still knocking about!... I'm gonna get some food, have a beer and play some football manager.... what would I have been doing with the ex?.... watching something like the hills wishing I could be on my xbox haha! Link to comment
Luigi68 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 It's great to hear the positivity - I am at a much much earlier stage and everything is very raw! emotions are all over the place and I want her back. I am trying to get the strength inside me to get on with my life, re-discover the confident self assured me and get on with my life. I would never deliberately do so to rub her nose in it because that is just not me but it for her to see me back to my best would be good for both os us whether we had an ounce of a chance to get back together or not!! Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 Luigi!.. You mention having an ounce of a chance or not - I don't know your story or anything but it sounds like the ball is completely in her court? Well I think you need to go get your ball back. I don't think any of us have the aim of moving on just to rub our ex's nose in it. I think the lads involved in this thread have seen the future! When we were where you are it's hard to see it. It's all about the ex, what can you do to get them back and how to act when they contact you etc... The best stage of my breakup has been the realisation of what is in front of me still, there is still a lot of the game left to be played. Do you really want to be tied down? There are a lot of advantages to being a young single man you know... especially good lads like us. Link to comment
VictorVic Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Hey Guys, The roller coaster continues. I am glad we all found this thread. We are all similiar although in different parts of the world. No matter what country, what religion, what political party, etc, we are all bonded by probobly the most painful thing we can ever experience other then death to a loved one. Its great too see you continue your confidence mark. One day I am ready to grab the world in my hand and smile all day, the next I just sit with a blank stare on my face all day. I just want to be completely healed. Its such a long process. I know one day I will find someone else and we all, and believe me we all, will look back on this a while from now and laugh.....but it just seems so far away. I'm 5 weeks in and this weekend felt like the 1st 2 weekends. Not sure why either. Link to comment
Luigi68 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Mark/Victor - thanks for your words. This site is the only thing has has kept me sane along with some very good mates. I don't always want to hear what I want to hear and this site gives it straight. I still love her despite everything yet feel anger towards my exbestmate who has been moved in so rapidly. I am trying to get to a stage where I can channel the anger positively to help me move on. I am still deeply in love with her and miss her contact, support and funny little ways! Link to comment
VictorVic Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Luigi, What you just said is no different then every single one of us. I know myself I feel so much anger. Its so much frustration. I did everything I could and I loved her more then words can explain. She stopped loving me. It happens. I am still deeply in love with her and miss all the little things that make her different as well. None of us can rememeber the bad times, thats what breakups do. All I can remember is the smiles and laughter. There were bad times. There were times I wished I wasn't with her. Those seem like years ago now though. I think what we all miss the most is the contact. Its sad going out for a few hours to come back to a cell phone with no missed calls or texts. I love saying goodnight to somebody and good morning. It will get better Luigi, it really will. I have some good days and some great moments. I wish I wasn't so low right now. You are right about the people on this website picking us up.....These are similiar people. They can relate. Alot of my friends cannot but the ones who can have been great and helped me out alot. I don't like to open up in person though because I will cry.....and I hate seeming weak. Link to comment
Luigi68 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 i have cried and it is never far away at the minute, in some strange situations too! i am sat here tonight wondering if i will get a goodnight text Link to comment
WeightOffChest Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Good stuff guys. The positivity is important, especially since in this clouded emotional state, it's very easy to feel down. To add to the positivity, I went out on Friday, and had a pretty fun time with the guys hitting up clubs. Not looking for a girlfriend or even validate myself by hooking up with a chick, but it's very positive to get out there and do stuff. It takes time really feeling it again, but I'm willing to move on from my grief and keep active. I went out with a buddy for food and drinks, then we went to the bar where I saw some of my other girl friends. I didn't drink at the bar because I didn't want to get drunk, and I still had a really good time just reconnecting with some of those girls. I realized that I'm so used to hanging out with these girls in a drinking setting, so I was thinking about hanging out in a platonic way. While I'm still not ready for a relationship, I figure I should still enjoy the company of a girl in a way that I used to with my ex. We had a ton of good times just hanging out in different towns and exploring, so I wouldn't want to lose that in the breakup. I'm thinking doing that same stuff with new girls will help me start new memories instead of seeing a place and only remembering the ex. I also did a charity stair climb today. Since I've been working out, I actually ended up with a great time and finished in the top. It was nice to meet new girls too. I totally agree with keeping it easy on getting drunk or getting high, because these things just tend to numb the pain as opposed to help you cope with things. I'm dealing with all these emotions in a positive way instead of repressing or denying them. Most importantly, by staying active and getting out there, I'm not letting these emotions bring me down. Looking at the bigger picture helps, but day to day, it's still pretty difficult. That's why I think positivity will help us move forward from this long trial. The only way to get through this is with time, and dealing it in a healthy way ensures that I'll be fine in the future without that emotional baggage. Keep it up guys! Link to comment
cole-kenneth61 Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Boys, if you're feeling down and want something to read for help, I'd suggest having a search for posts on here by SuperDave71- especially the ones that he posted in the Healing After Breaking Up forum....in the early days of my breakup they were a MASSIVE help for me. He doesn't post round here too much anymore, but his words really helped to put things in perspective. Have a look Link to comment
mark4 Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 Fantastic!! This makes me really happy to see! Brilliant progress... look how much enjoyment you can get out of life! You know when your in a relationship your kind of just plodding along... but then the heartbreak strikes and then its like... crap! what do I do now?? Once you figure out the what do I do now part its the most amazing feeling. I had to man up and get a grip, I used to cry and cry and cry... but now I have a spring in my step, its still with me don't get me wrong. The breakup is still in my mind, but its no longer dominating my life. Early 20's world at my feet, everything to play for - so many things to do and so much fun to have. I now value my future more than my ex, therefore I am now on the pedastal in my mind, the place she has had control of for over 4 years. Well not anymore! Link to comment
Gymboy Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 This thread is quality. The positivity is great. I've had such an ace lazy Sunday. Watched an absolute * * * * load of motorsport which I haven't been able to do when I was in a relationship. Le mans, moto gp followed by a five and a half hour formula one race. I have literally been sat on my sofa all day watching sport and dyu know what? At not one stage of today did I even give my ex a second thought. Making sure you are distracted and preoccupied with doing stuff that you enjoy is the key to moving on I think. Im already getting to a point where I'll occasionally think of her and just instantly dismiss it, making a habit out of not thinking of her, because of that I think about her much less. Just need to get myself a job now so I can save up some pennies for traveling and I won't even have time to think about her at all. Being single is mint, I absolutely love it and tbh I wish we'd broken up sooner, I'm having a * * * * load more fun on my own. She can go badger some other poor sod with all her nagging and constant complaining. Link to comment
replytome Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 haha! It's a lad thread. Boys, thanks to the fact that my ex left me, I went to Dubai and lived like a king, and fulfilled my fantasy! Had sex with a milf, and she was a locally famous model! Haha! Going to Oz as well in 3 weeks. Things couldn't be better. Of course my ego isn't fully healed but I ain't complaining. Link to comment
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