mark4's: time to accept it's over forever and start healing journal

[myheadvsheart]

I'm really struggling to get out of this hole today, thinking of all the happy things and trying to block them out - today for some reason I want more than anything to have her back, it's so so sad for me

 

Hang in there, we all have our days. Something I've tried to put in to practice lately is trying to reframe what it means when I feel like I miss his arms around me or his smell, etc... I make it a conscience effort to say that it just means that I miss a connection and that level of sharing. I'm focusing on him, because it's familiar. Not everything is rose colored about the past, so when - you're focusing on the pleasant things - remind yourself that there is a reason you broke up, even if you're not clear on it. There is a reason she went headlong in to someone else's arms...she cannot handle being alone. Is she doing the work you're doing to put things in perspective? Not likely, she cannot handle being alone - she's clinging to old friends and trying to live in the past. Distract yourself at a minimum decide to do one positive thing for yourself today that has nothing to do with her. Changing your environment helps as well, - hang out with friends go do something physical like a run with friends. The more you can be in an environment that is positive, the more it reinforces your self worth and you don't have time to dwell and read in to why someone left you.

[delboi]

Yo mark, i feel your pain man, it sucks i know...

 

I felt like the doormat aswell, making all the effort to save the relationship while they almost deliberately act in a way as to counter act all your efforts... and boy a few months later now and im embarressed of that!! a real man wouldn't take all that sort of crap and realise when he was just making a fool of himself! especially if it lasts longer than a few days... see i still havent been able to forgive my self haha dear o dear.

 

But anyway i found with the healing process the emotions come in waves, positive and negative, some are good some are bad, some come crashing down while others slowly crawl around you and dont even phase you... but dont supress them, i did and it just prolongs it...

Its ok to feel empty and lonely its part of the healing processes. I used to try and be completely indifferent with emotions... almost like a robot, but this break up has taught me that feeling those emotions is actually quite a good gift humans have.

 

Also dont drink. for me everytime i used to get drunk it never helped... sure maybe i got a few hours where you forget about her while your out and drunk, but the next day never was a happy one and so i cut the alcohol down and that helped.

 

Lastly what i will say, for those days or moments when you feel like you really really miss her, just stop, go in the garden, lay down, relax and analyse your thoughts properly, question what your feeling is it anger? loneliness? are you sure it is? that helps a lot and you might realise what your actually missing is not your ex but the package your ex brought.... as in you miss the love, the support, the spending time with someone who you get along with, the flirting, the sex and the attention all those sorts of things, that is deep down what your missing, your brain just associates that with your ex, but its NOT her you miss!

You will realise that soon, probably when you see another amazing girl can give you all of those and even more so than your ex!

Then you will be truly over her and be able to forgive her for being a twa.t to get run off into another mans arms so quickly

 

Chin up bro, it gets easier with time, we've all come out of it stronger and wiser

[mark4]

Thank you delboi and myheadvsheart... I really needed those posts to help me get some perspective about things and snap out of the wave of sadness that came over me.

 

Managed to pull myself back to normal. I was so damn upset this morning like, crying loads. It's whenever I wake up hungover it hits me, it must be the tiredness or the alcohol and feeling just generally unhealthy for a short period.

 

It's every time I go out, the next day I get myself upset.

 

I think your both right that it's not her that I miss its the being in a relationship I miss ... because yeah there were bad times too and I need to remember those.

 

Like when she would put me down in front of friends sometimes to try to get laughs etc

 

Okay, I'm in a better frame of mind now, I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid like break NC. So a pat on the back for that!

 

I wasn't really expecting to have such a big downer this morning as my healing has been going well and I haven't been upset or anything lately.

 

Although the whole breakup is still on mind a lot. I can't wait to feel completely healed! More work to do before I get there I guess.

 

Fortunately for me the work isn't hard, the objectives are just to enjoy myself and do things that make me happy!

 

Looking forward to meeting the person that this has all happened for!...

[mark4]

Just to keep a log of how things are going - I would describe it as very up and down. If you look at my posts this is quite clear to see.

 

She seems to be on my mind all the time like literally all the time, I try to block her out and I am successful at doing this but then she soon creeps back in.

 

I had a great weekend, especially sunday, I played golf all day and went out for a meal with the lads and also we saw the Hangover 2! it was great and I really enjoyed it.

 

She keeps liking my friends facebook statuses, it feels as if she is doing it because she knows I will see her name keep popping up. She never used to do that really, it's annoying that she is clinging on to my friends.

 

God she annoys me so much like how great she exaggerated her life to be when we initially broke up and doing all this friend clinging.

 

I hate that I loved her so much and she just threw it all away as if it was worthless and not worth working on or fighting for.

 

I don't really know what I feel about it, a bit lost about how it all happened. I honestly 100% thought we would be forever. It's such a shame. I just want to feel normal, like not affected by the breakup whatsoever.

 

I know I am affected though, i'm just not right. I'm hurt and broken but I am REALLY trying to live and enjoy my life. It just doesn't feel right anymore and I wish more than anything it did feel okay.

[mark4]

I wish I could have a day where I don't think about it, my life feels so weird now!

[Gymboy]

Mate i feel exactly the same. It is normal to feel like this. When someone has been such a big part of your life for so long and then suddenly they're gone it's basically as if they have died. I can't stop thinking about my ex either, everything i do i can always find myself thinking of her but we have to move on. Be a man about it and improve yourself so that one day when she sees a picture of you and your happy and over her she thinks "maybe i made a mistake there". Thats obviously not the purpose of moving on but it's a nice thought that keeps me going. Make yourself as good as you can be, do it for yourself first and foremost but you never know one day she may well just look back and think "why did i leave him?", at which point you wont give a * * * * what she thinks anyway.

[mark4]

Yeah your right, and that is exactly what I have been trying to do... I've got new hobbies, I see my friends loads, I eat well, I excersize, I party!... I'm living quite a good life.

 

But it's just so weird... she is ALWAYS in my mind.. and when she isn't I think ah great I havent thought about her for a little while and then bang she is in my mind again.

 

She was what I though was the love of my life like I totally thought she was the one for me. I know that most people say thats a load of rubbish etc but like for over 3 years I had that thought. My life plan was in my head.... and it's all gone now. We dont speak at all, I am under strict NC and have been for 3-4 weeks now.

 

I just feel strange almost like a bit crazy because of all of the ups and downs, I don't see an end to it. I've accepted its over and I dont cry (unless I have been out the night before)... i'm doing everything I can to move on but she is just always there in my mind.

 

I'm so hurt that she just left and it makes me wonder if she ever loved me at all, she seemed more into me when I was taking her places and to nice hotels and buying her gifts and at the time it felt like love. Now it seems so hollow.

 

Basically I feel like the whole thing has messed me up. I don't feel right!

[Gymboy]

I'm in exactly the same position. Thought we'd last forever and I was genuinely happy with my relationship, over the last few months it was the only thing I was really happy about. Whatever you may have felt at the time or have ha planned that old saying goes "nothing lasts forever and plans change". How old are you? I'm only 22 so I'm taking some positives from the idea that I am so young and when I think about it I don't know what I was thinking signing off 2/3rds of my life to someone I have only had a relationship with for two years. Look at the positives. Plenty of lads holidays, playing footy, going to the pub, nights out and then when you meet another person who you feel the same about (which you will, I promise you that) you will know to take it a bit steadier with her. Seems like everyone who has this really intense love ad plan their lives away with each other over a period of only a few weeks are doomed from the beginning. Personally I think it's down to the pressure you've put on each other after only a relatively short period of time, plus because you think it will last forever you take each other for granted until one day one of you wakes up and realizes you dont feel the same.

 

Think about it this way 3 years is what, less than a 20th of your lifetime. How much has your life changed over the last 10 years? In another 10 years who knows where you'll be or what youll be doing. Don't get me wrong I'm just as * * * * ed up about my ex as you are yours but know that life goes on and you should try look to the future with hope. That's what I'm trying to do. It's hard tho, it's bound to be but you're alive, you've got people around you who care and life goes on. Chin up pal.

[Gymboy]

Few years that was supposed to say not weeks!

[mark4]

wow - thanks gymboy... that's really helped pick me back up! I am 23 so yeah we are in a very similar boat with a lot of the game left to play.

 

Your right about the footy too, i've got my boots back on and started up playing again... i've got my golf clubs out and started playing that again. Lads holiday?... already on it! Jetting off in 1 months time with the boys.

 

Ah what was I even thinking before, everything is great. Also I am free to have fun and meet new girls and all that now too, everyone has been telling me I can do better and assuring me they arent saying it just to make me feel better, maybe I should put that to the test!

 

In the scheme of things, 3 years is quite a short time to be fair. Just trying to transition into being happy and single is taking more time that I would like... but I will get there. As we all will!

 

I like feeling like this, I wish I could keep this mindset and perspective permanently! I want the ability to block all the happy memories out with the ones where she would be annoying me by exaggerating everything or telling me the same stories about her family for the twenty millionth time and pretending they are so amazing and better than my or anyone elses family or when she would try to make a joke out of me in front of friends or be rude to a shop assistant, or try to convince me that a pretty girl on TV was actually ugly or a nasty person!

 

haha sorry I went on a rant there, but i'm just trying to remind myself of all the things that I really don't miss.

 

I spent so much money trying to please her, I can't wait to meet a girl that just likes me for me and doesn't need material gifts or treats to stay happy with me.

[Gymboy]

Bingo. That's exactly how we should both be trying to see the situation because at the end of the day nothing we do or say can change it. It's normal to have bad days and feel back to square one but we have to trust what people are telling us, in time it will get better and we'll get to a point where we aren't thinking about them at all and actually don't care what they are doing. It's nice to know you are in a similar situation as me and has made me realize that feeling like we do right now is entirely normal. Onwards and upwards I say.

[mark4]

Yeah I know although I would prefer neither of us to have to go through this ... but at the same time it is good to know I'm not the only one! Because sometimes when I go to the shops etc I see all these couples etc and it makes me feel like a total loner. But I'm not.

 

Thanks for sorting my head out. I feel much better and positive again.

 

Another plus side is I can play unlimited amounts of xbox rather than having to watch Xfactor or reality TV shows, or listen to her stories about how her day was and then totally switch off when I would talk about mine.

 

BAAH what was I even on about I am so much better off now...

[VictorVic]

Just like the last 2 guys similiar situation here. I'm 24 and 1 month in. I can just read the ups and downs you are going through. One minute happy the next miserable. I am there too my man. One night I go to bed smiling and cannot wait for the next and 2 nights later I basically cry myself to sleep. Its impossible to remember the bad memories. Its like they have all been removed from our mind. It is a crazy thing. Things will get better for us but try not to fool yourself into being too happy becuase the roller coaster on the way back down just hurts a lttle more. I am just trying to stay busy and kill some time. In a few months I hope I can loook back and laugh at all this while I am with someone who really cares about me. Keep your head up bud.

[Gymboy]

Xfactor and britains got talent. The epitomi of why I don't want a girlfriend right now. I do want that at some point, but imagine having to put up with all the compromise and drama that goes with being in a relationship from your early 20's to the end of your life. It's bizarre that only a month ago I was happy with that being my future life. I still miss her tho but it's getting to a point where I think the relationship and relationships in general aren't really what I want at such a young age. Ive moved back in with my mum (was a final year student in Sheffield) and I'm having so much more fun. The lads back Here have been great, always asking me to do stuff and making plans for holidays and whatnot. I actually do feel a lot happier than a month ago when we were together so in another months time I would imagine I'll be well and truly recovered (I hope). The big regret I have is I let her change me, I moulded myself to what she wanted an she always came first, over anyone including myself, and because of that I kind of alienated myself from my friends and housemates in Sheffield and didn't really do that much. Now I'm back home it feels like a clean slate and ive already learnt some valuable lessons in hindsight. 1) I don't want a relationship now and 2) My own happiness should always be my priority. Sure I miss her and I would absolutely love a cuddle and a kiss with her but there are other things in life to focus on so let's get cracking with it.

 

P.s xbox is the best distraction ever invented. I read something on a live friends profile it said "the more I understand women the more I love my xbox". Sad but true.

[mark4]

I also neglected my uni mates in my final year, I was to wrapped up the relationship. I regret that now because I missed out on all the fun they were having. In my first and second year I was the life and soul!

 

I have an older sister and she was in two long term relationships throughout her twenties and is single now, she total regrets it and tells me to realise this and enjoy being single and so young. There is plenty of time for all the staying in watching TV and having takeaways with a girl when I'm older. Now is the time to have as much fun as possible and I shouldnt waste it locked in a relationship.

 

So in a way I must thank my ex for putting me back into this life and giving me the freedom to do this!

 

I was moulded too, I became the 'perfect boyfriend' I did everything for her, literally anything and everything. My friends are definitely glad to have me back, i'm much closer to the lads at home than I was even before I moved away for uni. Thye have pulled me up off my feet and I feel so lucky to have them. We party every weekend, I havent got with any girls yet, I feel like i've forgotten what to do. When I see a girl looking over I get proper nervous and freeze almost.!

 

I guess that will fade over time as I get my confidence back. Other than being dumped i've got nothing to be not confident about really, just need some time to pass to heal properly.

 

The xbox quote is great haha, I love just having me time and playing on it ... no drama, no whinging, no arguing. Just me chilling!

[Gymboy]

I'm happy for you mark4. Sounds like you're doing really well without knowing it yourself. Keep focused on what your sister said to you when you have those miserable times and I will remember that quote as well, because she is absolutely spot on. It really does seem strange when you think about it, that you allow yourself to be so different and false almost, because you want to make someone else happy. It makes no sense at all. The last thing on my mind now is settling down with someone yet a month or two ago that was where the relationship was heading. I can tell now that if it had gone that way it wouldn't have worked out because we would both have become bored and I'm (oddly) grateful that she dumped me. Wow never thought I'd say that.

[Gymboy]

You are right about not getting carried away when your on a high but I think that's equally as true for when your having a really bad day as well. I'm finally starting to understand why she broke up with me (properly understanding, not pretending to understand so she changes her mind), so when we have those bad days we should try remember that it is only just a brief period of time we are going to feel like that. It will pass, as will our feelings about our exs. It's great to know you two are in the same boat. Breaking are a fact of life it's how you recover from them and make yourself better that matters.

[mark4]

I'm happy for you mark4. Sounds like you're doing really well without knowing it yourself. Keep focused on what your sister said to you when you have those miserable times and I will remember that quote as well, because she is absolutely spot on. It really does seem strange when you think about it, that you allow yourself to be so different and false almost, because you want to make someone else happy. It makes no sense at all. The last thing on my mind now is settling down with someone yet a month or two ago that was where the relationship was heading. I can tell now that if it had gone that way it wouldn't have worked out because we would both have become bored and I'm (oddly) grateful that she dumped me. Wow never thought I'd say that.

 

Yeah I think i'm doing better than I give myself credit for - its just the times when i'm sitting doing nothing - I start dwelling in the past and all these ridiculous memories come in and over write all the reasons why it was actually good for me. Right now I could reel them off like there is no tomorrow.

 

I lived with my ex in my last year of uni - we had some good times but we had some MAJOR arguments. Having that behind me I also know that it wouldnt have worked.

 

I'm not bitter about her decision or anything I wish her well. But I wish me well more because I know I'm a good lad and I know that I deserve better than how she treated me the last few months and through the break up.

 

I'll keep an eye out for your posts if you ever need picking up you know where I am , I owe you one because your posts have really picked me out of a hole today and now feeling great and positive about my future again!

 

Which is where I want to be!

 

I think we both deserve someone who wants to be with us for just being us and won't just turn their back on us... those girls are out there , probably getting treat like crap off some idiot loser boyfriend. Good things come to those who wait eh!

 

But for now gymboy... let's have some fun! Early 20's...single, young lads... I guess there will be so many people out there who would love to be in our shoes right now!

[WeightOffChest]

Same here. I'm 24 and just got out of a 2+ year relationship. Things were always good, even until the end when I broke it off. I kind of regret it, but then I also know that I did it for a reason. The biggest thing that keeps me going is the idea that I'm still young as hell.

 

I was thinking about my fraternity days in college and remembered how much fun and craziness that I had before I met her. In a way, I was developing my identity in my early days of college. When I met her, I had my identity and we slowly formed into "us". She's been such a big part of my life, it's strange to not have that around as part of me. Now that I'm newly single, I feel like I've forgotten who I was. Remembering that I was happy before she came in my life allows me to know that I can be happy now that she's gone.

[mark4]

well, that makes 4 of us... and that's just members on this website who just so happened to see this thread. puts things into perspective that we arent alone in going through this, we are all of a simlar age and have so much more of the game to play yet!....

[WeightOffChest]

I was thinking about it recently. Especially at this young age of transitioning to the post-college lifestyle...

 

What is my identity anymore? With her, it was clear. I was in a couple, I have a job, I'd grind out the next few years with her, we'd get married and be stuck in the middle-class lifestyle for the rest of my life. It wasn't a bad thing. It was just certain.

 

Now that I'm single. The whole future is uncertain. I could move to a different city/state/country. I could find a new job. I could go to grad school. I could even position myself to be closer with her and maybe reconcile the differences after enough time has passed.

 

Well, whatever could be in the future, is certainly exciting. That's the thing about our age. It allows gives us so much time. While the future is wide open and scary, I feel that this is the best option for me rather than the safe security of us.

[Gymboy]

Mark4 your situation sounds absolutely identical to mine. Me and my ex lived together for a few months as well and while it was fun it was obvious that we weren't ready to live together and we bickered a lot. Looking back I should have realized where things we're going and the reason for it is age really, it's completely the wrong time for me and her to be in a serious relationship. I know that now and it has helped a lot.

 

The only problem I've got now is she's really good friends with one of my best mates (that's how we met) and it's her birthday next month and he's going down to see her so he's gonna be tagged in Facebook pictures along with her. It sounds horrible but I wish I could just cut her out of my life completely but there is a small chance that I may have to see her again on his birthday and tbh I really don't want to know anything about her or how she's doing etc. Just a bit of a complication but I'll just have to get used to the idea that they will remain close friends and I might have to speakto her from time to time.

[mark4]

I know the situations are so similar, my ex seems to be clinging on to my friends girlfriends, whereas before she only saw them now and again. There is a birthday party one of my mates girlfriends is having on sunday and we are both invited, just like a few drinks and a barbecue... I think i'll just get smashed on saturday and be too hungover to go. I'm not too fussed abvout it anyway... but its just hard because i'm still having to factor her in my life like... thinking about going etc because she will be there.

 

I dont know why she is doing all this friend clinging, its annoying but nothing I can do about it just go with the flow. I think on this occasion its best I dont go because its only been 3/4 weeks full blown NC, I dont want to jeopordise my healing and have an awful Monday morning thinking about having seen her the day before.

 

Same with you there is nothing you can do about her friendship with your mate, you just have to go with the flow - you can avoid situations where you might have to see her until you are ready to be able to deal with seeing her and not feel anything emotionally.

 

This is the thing you dont really think about when you get into a long term relationship, your friends become mutual friends... then when the relationship ends you arent able to jsut chop them out of your life because they are still in contact with people you know.

 

Its tricky... but just gotta keep on healing and heading in the right direction... avoiding situations if needs be.

[VictorVic]

There is so many of us in the same spot. I've already met a few different girls and definitly hit it off. I wish I could just fast forward a few months til when things get good again but I get through every day just knowing some time in the future life will be great again.....even better then before. Just listen to that Michael Buble song. Sounds kind of "gay" but it puts a smile on my face.

[Gymboy]

That is absolutely the nail on the head. I am not ready to be labeled constantly as being in some kind of team. Whenever i saw people i hadn't seen for a while it was always "hey x, how are you, how is z?" I'm my own person, i'm 22 years old i didn't and don't want to be in a relationship where you are defined by that relationship. Back then i could have seen me marrying her and settling down but in reality we were heading that way far far too early. Early 20's is not the right time for me personally (and by the sounds of it, you guys too) to be in a relationship like that. Now i can go out into the world and do whatever it is i need/want to do to make myself happy and mature a bit. Then when the time is right and i have achieved what i want to achieve then i will look to settle down. It just seems so strange to me that i was seriously thinking about settling down at the age 23 or 24. What on earth was i thinking?

 

I spoke to my friend just now about the birthday thing, he rang me and we spoke about it and he offered to not go but that would just make me feel worse so i told him to definitely go. I want her to be happy but i also want to not know that she's happy, if you get my drift and just remember her for how we were together. This thread has really helped me massively and i've had the best day i've had since the break up because it is normal to feel like this and we should look to the future rather than living in the past. Thanks guys and good luck with whatever it is you want to do.