Nine Years Together, 1 Year Married & Out-of-the-Blue Break-up

[smilieman]

I have never done this before. Aired my feelings online that is, until today. I came accross this forum and was blown away by the support of the community in helping others. For this I am grateful and glad that I have found some support - hopefully.

 

It's hard at the moment. My wife and I have been married for just 1 short year, but we have been together for 9 years. Our relationship has been superb throughout. We have supported one another through long-term illness and on the little things from day-to-day. We've never had a big argument in all this time, either. At our wedding last year, she told me how much I meant to her and I did to her. It was so beautiful. It's the first time I've been married and I thought about it for years, but it seemed right for us. But she had met a friend to take her to see the lawyer.

 

She says that she doesn't feel the same way about me as she once did. However, I find it hard that in just a year, without no raised concerns, that she just doesn't love me any more. Not after that wedding! Can this happen? Sure, things have been hard. I've been out of work for a while and fed up at home all the time. But things were on the up, I thought. She never raised any concerns and we always talked about stuff. Well, I thought we did.

 

She is holding down a responsible public-facing job and coming home to support me. She also took care of all the money side of things and creditors that are permanently demanding money. I can see how this would have been draining for her. I remember her saying that it's hard coming home and feeling she has to cheer me up, almost every day. I think she started to resent me. Even though I was doing my best to both find work and to start up a small business.

 

My birthday card said "to my lovely husband, with love", 10 days later this happened. She has now moved out. She has closed off and refused to talk to me for 2 weeks, sending just text messages and then turning her phone off so I couldn't contact her. It has been a nightmare and has driven me almost insane. It hurts, bad. I cannot figure it out. Suddenly, it's as if she hates me.

 

Last night I receive a rather abrupt e-mail. She hides behind this and texts. It said it's over, she knows how she feels and she knows that this won't change with time. I pray that it will as I think that she has been under too much pressure. But I cannot hope too much and must accept that we have split up for good. I have to arrange funds for living, as I am out of work. Being behind with the mortgage means that we will probably lose the house soon and the bills are piling up. I'm on my own and she's abandoned ship.

 

I am devastated and have nobody to talk with. My one good friend is far away and very practical and therefore cannot offer emotional support. Night's are the worst. Always the worst. I have tablets from the doctor to hep me sleep. The first one's didn't work, but perhaps the new ones will tonight. I haven't slept for nearly 2 weeks. Well, I've had about 3-4 hours in total.

 

I find rejection extremely hard to deal with. I have always been rejected, since childhood and it always hits me hard. Really hard. At the moment, I am just living minute to minute, hour to hour. I can't see further than that.

 

I went to see her at work today, to speak with her face to face. Only for 15 minutes. She's coming round on the weekend, to speak about the house and collect some of her things. It's hard to think about how I will handle this. All I know, it that I must be strong and not start to question her about the split. She closes off more this way, and I am in such a mess that I start to blubber, embarrassing.

 

I'm trying to keep it real, but deep down I'm hoping time will heal and bring us back together. She says it won't. I can't understand the way she's thinking, but wonder if she has just felt overloaded over the past year. I wish I knew what was going around in her head. I have my doubt that even she knows. All I want to do is speak with her, e-mail her to tell her about my day. It's hard not to and it's hard not to keep asking "Why?", but, I mustn't. I know I mustn't.

 

This has gotten too long. I'm sorry. I tend to just type as I speak. I'm new to this and it's taken all of my courage to do this. Thank you for your time and for listening...

[LoveHurts89]

There's not really much I can offer in terms of advice, because I'm in a messed up place too. But your story really touched my heart and I want you to know that my thoughts and best wishes are with you. I really hope this lady realised what a thoughtful and loving man she has and is giving up on. When you marry, you promise to love in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse. It seems that maybe the stress and responsibility has over shadowed those vows for her right now. But she will be thinking about you, she'll be reliving the day of the wedding over and over again, I can guarantee that for sure. If there are no underlying issues for her (I hate to mention stuff like that, as it pits such horrible ideas in your head, I know it does for me), then I imagine she'll come round in time. It seems bizarre for her to just up and go. I truly hope for your sake that the best possible outcome is achieved.

 

Love Maria xxx

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

 

You have found a great place to get some good advice.

 

Believe it or not this happens very often. Many call it the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" while others call it something else. No matter what you call it the pain remains. Not having answers is the worst. Many times when a spouse walks away like this they really don't have an answer, they just know they aren't happy and it can't be them so it must be you and if they just get rid of you then they will be happy once again.

 

Much of what you wrote has been written on this site many many times. I got the most loving birthday card from my wife just days before I caught her cheating on me. You must learn to accept the disconnect they feel in regards to the marriage or relationship. She has been hiding her feelings for some time and has been thinking of running away for a while now but for you the bomb just got dropped and you are confused, hurt, sick and your whole world is falling apart. Believe me when I tell you this; you will be okay and will survive this. It will take some time and learning but you will be okay as I and many others have found out.

 

What to do now? Good question. Go to link removed and do some reading so you know what to do and what not to do. Then I want you to do a complete 180 and change the way you are doing things. No more going to her work, begging for answers, texting her, emailing her or trying to contact her unless you have a very good reason to do so. You need to get yourself healthy. This means eating right, working out, going for walks and any other activity you can think of. You are out of work so take what ever job you can find for now. Your pride and ego need to be adjusted and just do whatever it takes to get some money flowing in. This will help your self esteem and help you feel better about your life which in turn will make you more attractive to her. She left for a reason and since there are no answers you need to work at getting back to the guy you used to be. If in the end the divorce still goes through you will still be way ahead in healing and moving on since you have been working so hard on improving yourself.

 

It is very improtant that you DO NOT point out all these changes or planned changes you are doing. She needs to see and feel the difference or it won't be real.

She has chosen this so she needs to be the one to change her mind back. If she doesn't you can know you tried and have no regrets.

 

Lost

[smilieman]

Thank you for your kind words, they lifted me, made me smile knowing that somebody was thinking of me and brought a tear to my eye for the same reason. I took my wedding vows seriously, she told me that she meant them too, even though her actions say otherwise. It's such a shame as I supported her for over 7 years with a serious illness, poking her every single night when I didn't see her moving, just to make sure she was still alive. It makes me sad that she could not offer a similar thing when I was at a low point, it makes me angry also, but I can't be angry for long as I truly love her and just know that she is hurting, somewhere deep inside. Even if she doesn't want to admit it, even to herself. She's never locked me out of her head like this before though. I've never seen her like this, not in 9 years.

 

I have just read your post and realise that you and I are similar in that we both want to know the "Why". But, she cannot offer me this. I have asked her constantly and have battered her down. I truly regret this, but panic set in. She also tells me (via email) that she cannot offer going back to normal again. She says she feels "really bad" and that this is not a reason to keep on with the relationship. I just hope that she finds the love for me in her heart under all the rubbish that is covering it. I just know it's there, as I can see it in her eyes every now and again. Like your man, she also requested "space", although personally I have never understood this and have always thought that it is the start of the end. It seems that I was right.

 

Manji123 gave some good advice about being your best and I do really agree with this. The only thing is, for me anyway, that in between the repeated feelings of panic, it's hard to get going down that road. But I shall do the best I can and I am sure that you will too. But, why, oh why, do we bother falling in love? It's natural, it's exciting, it's comforting, then, for no reason, it's over.

 

I just wish I could drink some "Pick me up juice", but I guess the shop has just sold out. One step at a time, that's all I can do.

 

Hope things work out for you. My thoughts are with you. xx

[smilieman]

Lost, I know you are right, I know it. Your thoughts and advice make complete sense. Actually, you have fired me up a bit a I know you speak the truth. I shall read up on "Walk Away Wife Syndrome", and have heard this mentioned before, somewhere. Then divorcebusters. I also know that it's important to be strong and not do the contact and asking "Why" thing. I will stop that now. It is still so raw though, that this seemed more of a reflex than a conscious action.

 

I'm doing the job thing and am already trying to line up an interview at the moment. I shall have to put my business on hold for now, although I could still do this alongside. It would get me out and about as I would be meeting new people and building confidence. My business is photography, although I need to do some portfolio building.

 

I really do appreciate your advice and will definitely do what you suggest. As you say, as long as I've done everything I possibly can, then I can hold my head high and not look back with regret. All I need to do now, is try and remember the guy I was just over a year ago.

 

Thank you.

[LoveHurts89]

I'm glad my words lifted you It's nice to know that, although I may be down, I'm still able to help. I also don't understand the space thing. And so so agree with the comment of why do we fall in love. I've asked myself this question so many times recently. It must be so hard for you after giving her such love, commitment, support and care throughout her illness to be given this in return. I just hope you know what a wonderful man you are for doing this. I had surgery four weeks ago and I'm still waiting for him to visit me from it, but I guess that isn't going to happen. That was something I really needed him for, and he couldn't be there. I lay in my hospital bed, wrapped in a foil sheet as I'd had some kind of reaction/fit when I came round from surgery, and the only person I asked for was him. I called him but I could barely talk as I was still heavily drugged, I text him, my mum text him, and he still didn't visit. So why do I want him back? I don't know. But this just highlights even more so how wonderful you are for the support you gave her. If at any time you'd like somebody to chat to, just to someone to talk to to stop you contacting her, or for a pick me up, feel free to talk to me. I'm not sure if this site has a private messaging service as I'm new to it, but I could post my email or my Live Profile pin (not sure if you have that in the States, kinda like BlackBerry messenger but for iPhones and Androids too).

 

Maria xx

[Timbertea]

There is nothing worse than the blindsided feeling you get after your partner hides their true feelings for years, and ceases to talk to you in an open, and honest manner about the issues that exist -- when it all comes to a head, and the one day they explode simply because they held it in, rather than deal with it as it came up. If you need a moment to steel yourself, think about that. Remember that she made that choice over & over again to suppress, rather than to deal with things. It isn't a terribly comforting thought, but its often helpful to recognize it.

 

180 works a lot better when they are still under the same roof as far as eventually working things out, but you need to do it anyway. Unless its something that has to be dealt with as a joint financial matter, any appeals to her are just going to be seen as desperation, and weakness. Screwed up as it may be that telling someone you care about them becomes that, any pleas for them to come back home are more than likely to be viewed that way until she comes to it on her own. The only thing you can really do that works is be the man you want to be, and need to be. In a weird way, its an opportunity to be who you want to be without any shackles stopping you.

[Maame]

The 'why's' are the hardest. Being abandoned and not knowing why. You can't move on, you can't do anything but to wonder. Why? Wat happened? What's changed? Why? It can destroy a person and it can prevent you from moving on. It happened to me too and I'm wondering why. No answers, no reasons. Over just like that.

 

Just don't do what I did and demand an answer to that 'why'. You'll do more harm than good.

[smilieman]

Timbertea. Unfortunately, she didn't explode. Just silence. This was the worst thing. Just saying "I don't feel the same way about you" and then nothing. I think I would have preferred an explosion, but that's not the kind of person she it. Being a professional, it's easier for her to shut off and plough into her work. We have talked about everything in our relationship, but she will not talk about this. I know that I need to be strong and "appear" to her that I am getting on with my life and handling things - nobody likes a needy person - but this pain is terrible. Worse this morning as I wake up. But, I will force myself to keep going and aim for the "other side" of the pain!

 

Currently, to me, everything seems "screwed up", but I get your point.

 

~ S.

 

PS. She has just sent me a "text" as I was typing, only for a question related to a bill payment. Normally, I would respond quickly, today I shall wait for a while as not to appear too eager. Maybe for most of the day.

[smilieman]

The 'why's' are the hardest.

 

Just don't do what I did and demand an answer to that 'why'. You'll do more harm than good.

 

I'm afraid that I may have already done this far too much. I the first 2 weeks I was in panic mode. I know she moved out because I pushed her too much. I will stop pushing now though .

 

She has put a kiss at the end of her text message this morning. This raises yet another "Why?". It's hard, but it must be hard for her also.

[smilieman]

I'm glad my words lifted you It's nice to know that, although I may be down, I'm still able to help. I'm not sure if this site has a private messaging service as I'm new to it, but I could post my email or my Live Profile pin (not sure if you have that in the States, kinda like BlackBerry messenger but for iPhones and Androids too).

 

Maria xx

 

In the States? I'm in the UK. Wish I was in the States at the moment though, away from the situation. Thank you for saying I can PM with you. I'm not sure about this forum either. I can't seem to concentrate too much to find out, but I don't think so. Do not have Android or iPhone, so I'm stumped. I can't even find my posts on here yet!

[LoveHurts89]

Ahh, sorry, I thought pretty much everyone on here was from the States. Hope you're ok. The mornings are always the hardest, as I'm experiencing today x

[smilieman]

Ahh, sorry, I thought pretty much everyone on here was from the States. Hope you're ok. The mornings are always the hardest, as I'm experiencing today x

I've got a whole morning of 'stuff' to do this morning, so that should keep me busy. But, it's all related to this split. I shall do what I have done each other day, go hour by hour. I hope these mornings get better eventually, but it appears you are still finding them hard, so maybe they'll be around for a while longer.

 

It's the heart flutters I can't deal with, the weak legs or dizziness. These are all anxiety and adrenaline related and will pass eventually, but it's these feelings that I absolutely hate!

 

Struggling with this 180 turn-a-round thing. But I know it's got to be done.

[LoveHurts89]

Maybe I'm just weak, I really hope they get easier for you soon. I think the reason it's so hard for me is that my head likes to torture me. It likes to let me dream that I'm back with S, and so when I wake up, I face the cruel reality daily.

 

I've decided, I'm going to be a nun.

[smilieman]

Maybe I'm just weak, I really hope they get easier for you soon. I think the reason it's so hard for me is that my head likes to torture me. It likes to let me dream that I'm back with S, and so when I wake up, I face the cruel reality daily.

 

I've decided, I'm going to be a nun.

 

It's not that you are weak. Like me, you are not very good at handling rejection and negative emotion around relationships. I go to pieces, can't think straight and go around in a state of permanent panic. Being a guy, I want to find what the problem is and fix it - I'm good at problem solving and fixing things. Women seem to work differently. The doctor told me to look at leaflets on Anxiety & Depression on http://www.patient.co.uk. I found this hard to navigate though. I have also come accross getselfhelp.co.uk and read the anxiety, panic & depression stuff. At least you then know why you feel like you do, although it doesn't help with the emotional stuff, does it?

 

You don't want to be a Nun - not really! I wonder if you're like me and give all of your love, unconditionally? When you lay yourself on the line like that, then I think that maybe we hurt so much more. Especially if we don't know why. We give all of ourselves, like I think we should, but then we feel devastated when things are called into question.

 

For me, things have change this morning. I don't know why, I really don't, not yet. I thought I would feel ecstatic, but instead I feel almost numb. Weird!

[LoveHurts89]

You speak such sense. I am just like you, in terms of giving your all. He had 101% of me, and yet I knew deep down I didn't have all of him. He was so committed to his career, I just don't think he had any commitment left for me. It just seems as though these people have come in to our lives and wasted our time.

 

You seem like such a lovely man, you'll be happy again xx

[smilieman]

He was so committed to his career, I just don't think he had any commitment left for me. It just seems as though these people have come in to our lives and wasted our time.

 

You seem like such a lovely man, you'll be happy again xx

I don't think you're right here sweetheart. (Not about me being lovely..... )

 

My wife is committed to her career, she is a lawyer, is extremely good at it and needs to maintain a professional edge for clients. In my opinion, it's not a case of them only having a career, or a relationship. There is room for both, and more. But when things aren't right, professionals tend to put things in boxes in their heads and just pay attention to the thoughts in those boxes. For my wife it's work - the way she feels - contacting with friends. I was shut in another box and she didn't want to open it, as it had emotions in it that she didn't want to handle. So, she just paid attention to the things that she did want to handle and hid from the rest.

 

We can't understand this as we can't do this.

 

With regard to giving all of yourself to somebody, I don't feel that there is anything wrong with that. After all you are in a relationship and want it to work. I made a promise to myself after a few nightmare relationships, that I would never treat a woman I get together with, based on old relationships. So, if I was cheated on in the past (which I have been), then I would not go into a new relationship expecting her to cheat on me. It would change my behaviour towards her and make it all go wrong. This is another reason I never go from one relationship straight into another.

 

Everybody is an individual and I am prepared to put my all into any relationship that I have. I'm an honest guy, straight-forward I suppose. Maybe at times I try a bit too hard though and maybe at other times, not hard enough. That's life. All you can do though, is do the best that you can, and have piece of mind that you put in your all to make it work.

[LoveHurts89]

I'm sorry, your thread for advice has turned in to you giving me advice! I've just read your post about your wife contacting you. I hope things work out for the best. You deserve it xxx

[smilieman]

I feel that I'm hardly in a position to give advice. I still feel very raw at the moment. I can only offer a shoulder at present, but I do have a wealth of life experience on other stuff. If anything helps, then use it!

 

No worries though & thanks for your words, they mean a lot!