Change in my wife.

[rocio]

She'll probably have an abortion and you'll never know the truth.

[Miss Firecracker]

Get out while the child is still too young to understand. This one isn't worth counseling, but that's just my opinion. It will be easy for the child right now. Later it will traumatize. This woman is severely disturbed.

[Moontiger]

Personally, if I was in your position right now, I would contact a lawyer and start getting the divorce papers in order. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This whole situation is completely unfair to you. I agree with MissFirecracker, getting your child out of this situation now will be much easier than if you wait until she is older.

 

One thing, make sure you know all your rights as a father. Courts are still very gender bias when it comes to kids. Since you have been the primary care giver basically since birth you are in a good position to get custody of her, you could probably get alimony too.

[PsychGirly]

It's hard to just walk away when you don't know for sure what's going on. Right now, you just have a big mess on your hands and everything seems like a red flag because she's acting so unstable and fishy. You need to figure it out. You're giving her too much space when you should have drawn the line already. Yes, marriage is a two-way street and decisions should be mutually made, but when she's not making any effort and watching your marriage deteriorate and ignoring your efforts, you either walk away or take over the reins and make the decisions. It's no longer, "What do you think about seeing a marriage counselor?" Now it's, "I made an appointment with a marriage counselor. You're either in or I'm out."

[truegrit]

I like the pg test idea......however, I would go buy a test kit and sit her down and tell her I am really not trusting you and with this talk of pregnancy, etc. I need to feel like I can trust you, so to ease my mind lets go do this test. If she is innocent she would be glad to prove to you she isn't pg, if not I would say for sure she would rebel. At least you would feel better about the pg part of it. Of course that wouldn't prove a thing (if she's not pg) as far as cheating on you but it might ease your mind regarding that PROBLEM.

Like someone else said she may just go get an abortion that's why I wouldn't wait to try this idea.........

[lavenderdove]

Sometimes when an infidelity is detected, the person will admit half truths and little bits of the story peppered with lies, and the real truth only comes out over time. She is showing a lot of signs of someone who is having an affair, and is terrified to bring out the whole truth so is letting it out in little pieces where she alters the story just a bit, and you get more and more details as time passes.

 

It also sounds like she could be pregnant or afraid she is, and is mentioning that a lot in passing. So another sign she may be cheating, and of course concrete evidence if she proves to be pregnant. But she could have an abortion and just not tell you.

 

My suggestion would be to hire a private detective to follow her around lunchtime. It sounds like she is meeting her co-worker on their lunch breaks for sex, which is a very common thing for people who have affairs started in the office will do. That way she is home on time most of the time, and doesn't have to call him, since they may exchange messages over work phones and not use the cell for fear of getting caught. Or perhaps she has another pre-paid phone you don't know about that she uses and leaves in the car or in her briefcase or purse and turns it off when she's home.

 

I suspect if she is having an affair, it would be easy to catch her by having the detective sit outside her work around lunchtime and after work and see where she goes. If she's going to a hotel or to some guy's apt., you pretty much have your answer.

[suspicious1]

I thought about the detective thing, but there is a problem with that. where my wife works no detective could get too. he would have to wait on the out side of the compound and hope to see her as thousands of people drive out the gate. If she were in her car that would work. But she has already proven to me that she has no problem driving around town in other peoples cars when she went to "help" her male coworker get lunch. I dont even know what he drives i cant get inside the compound either. I have thought about putting tracking on her phone, but then again she cant take it with her and leaves it in her car, so that doesnt help either. I plan on giving her and ultimatum tonight about going to marriage counseling if she has not make the appt. I asked her too make today, and see where it goes from there.

[Moontiger]

You would be amazed where detective can get to. There is a film, "This Film is Not Yet Rated" a detective finds all the names of the reviewers on the MPAA (these are the people who say what rating a movie gets. Their names have NEVER been public, the MPAA did everything they could to keep them from being so.)

 

Do some research, talk to a few detectives and explain your situation and the kind of place your wife works. They should be able to tell you if it is even possible and if it is how they would go about getting in.

[Starrgrl]

You need to get a divorce. Take your kid away from this mess. She suspects she's pregnant, you CAN'T get her pregnant, so what does that say? Obviously she's been cheating again. You don't deserve this, and she's making a fool of you =(.

[Starrgrl]

I don't think couselling will help someone who can't commit and has a need to cheat compulsively. Besides, the trust is gone, do you really want to stay in a relationship like this? You are worth way more and if you get out now, you'll be able to get back on your feet and later on find a quality woman.

[mikem]

Do you think i should call a few of her coworkers and as a few questions? if so what kind of things should I ask?

 

I don't think that would be a bad idea. Ask the ones you trust.

[mikem]

I think hiring a detective in this situation is a GOOD idea. Since she isn't being transparent with you and telling you half truths, I'd hire someone to get some concrete evidence. When the evidence comes in, it will give you far more clarity about the next step to take. . Also, you won't have to be doing a bunch of work trying to find out. You can hire someone to find out for you. Usually when you find out the truth, it's not that complicated.

 

Cheaters are notorious liars. The truth, in this situation, you will find is your greatest ally. When you find out the truth, there will be so much more clarity about your next step.

[metrogirl]

Don't under estimate a PI. You would be suprised at how they can aquire their information. Often, they know people that know people that can get them into a location thought to be off limits.

[Iceman26]

I agree that at this point marriage counseling is moot. It sounds like she would lie to the counselor.

[suspicious1]

Well last night didnt go so well. I wanted to confront her again and ask her if she wanted out of our marriage. I wanted to ask just what she meant by "you deserve better" to me thats the same as saying "its not you, its me". I also wanted to ask her why when I confronted her the first time about cheating she immediately said she wasnt having and emotional affair either. But when she came home she could tell something wasnt right, she asked me once what was wrong, I told her nothing was. She then asked me if i would like to go back to work. I told her our daughter wasnt even a year old yet, so no not yet. After that we said nothing the rest of the night. she tried to put our daughter to bed but could not so i did at around 7:50. i came out and she was already in bed sleeping. I was up all night sort of hoping she would come out so we could talk, the dog even woke her up a few times whining because i wouldnt come to bed, but she never did come out. This morning i had to wake her because she over slept, on her way out she asked again what was wrong, and i told her we would talk about it tonight. She told me she did set up an appt. to see the psychologist tuesday and i told her i would meet her there, she looked a little surprised. With that she began crying and said i love you which...i had a hard time saying for some reason. I then asked her if she was going to be ok for our daughters sake, hopping that would possibly keep her from doing anything stupid on her way there. I dunno what im going to say to her tonight...maybe i will ask those questions maybe not. but i think i will call the psychologist to verify her appt. to make sure she isnt just making it up.

 

For some reason i cant get over the fact she didnt try harder to find out what was bothering me and chose to avoid me all together.

[suspicious1]

Im half wondering if i should ask her hypothetical questions like "what if i told you i had cheated, would you still want to work it out?" or "what if you called my work and someone told you that they thought i was having an inappropriate relationship with one of my coworkers? and would you believe that person?" just to see if i could pull something out of her. I do wonder if that would be disastrous for the relationship and her work environment if she thought i had cheated or someone at her work told me something.

[suspicious1]

She had to fly for travel today but will be back tonight she just called me when she got off the plane said she made it and would call me before she left, but there was no "I love you" at the end she just hung up. I know for sure she is where she says she is by the number, so its not suspicious to me.

[Moontiger]

I would advice against asking her those questions. Just keep things simple when you talk to her, stick to your feelings, your fears, and what you want in the near future (AKA, seeing a therapist).

 

Stay calm (it sounds like you have been doing a good job of this), stray firm about getting therapy, and call and PI to get some information on what they are able to do.

[Iceman26]

 

For some reason i cant get over the fact she didnt try harder to find out what was bothering me and chose to avoid me all together.

 

Because she is likely having an affair, she is mainly concerned with herself at the time being. Don't expect much positive attention until you get to the bottom of what is going on with her.

[PsychGirly]

Hopefully she's being honest about the appointment with the psychologist. It's a good start, as I'm sure if she's truthful with the psychologist, he/she may help her realize that what's going on isn't normal or healthy. That way, she may be more open to counseling with you. However, I don't think confirming her appointment would work due to confidentiality (unless you have a woman call pretending it's your wife to confirm her appointment). If you call, chances are they won't release any information to you.

[capilot]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say we really don't know if she's cheating. This forum is mostly for people trying to get past infidelity and there's a lot of bias towards assuming that cheating is going on, and a lot of bias towards breaking up.

 

She seems to be acting a bit odd, but this doesn't always mean that cheating is going on. She could be going through a mid-life crisis or some other emotional turmoil. Maybe this is post-partum depression or wonky hormones.

 

She could be *thinking* about cheating, but not actually doing it, or even headed there. Driving yourself and her crazy with accusations can be counter-productive.

 

If she's innocent, shoving a pregnancy test at her and demanding that she take it will be extremely offensive and probably lead to a blow-up you wouldn't believe.

 

IMHO, acting before you have more actual information would be a mistake. Hiring a PI might not be a bad idea, but again, be prepared for a huge blow-up if she ever finds out.

[suspicious1]

Point taken Capilot, I really dont have any solid evidence that she is cheating. I could be totally wrong about all of this. I guess for now i will see how the psychologist works for her and if it goes well maybe she will come clean. If I keep going the way im going though i may go insane. Im going to hope to heaven that maybe it is just hormones or post-partum depression. But i believe in the very least she had a thing for this guy at work and his GF getting pregnant and him marrying her put a stop to what i hope was just a one sided emotional relationship. I did notice ever since he got hitched she has been pretty out of it. I just really hope the psychologist can help her with the "I wanna kill myself thing" I'm not equip to handle that problem alone, and my daughter needs a mother. So i guess until i get some solid evidence I will try to maintain.

[catfeeder]

I agree. OP, if your goal is to save your marriage for the long range, it would be smart to approach wife from that position rather than allowing fears and fantasies to provoke you into shooting for destruction first -then- expecting an opportunity to build it back. Crossing into an adversarial position is only useful if you're firmly ruling out the resolution part.

 

IMO, the best way to navigate is to figure out where -you- stand first, then you can work on dealing with where wife wants to stand. Otherwise, instead of solid ground--"I'm in this fully right now, regardless of where I may decide to be later," you're trading that in for shaky ground--"I'm only in this to the degree that I suspect my wife may be in it..." and that's not useful.

 

If you're invested enough to learn whether wife can get through and beyond whatever she's dealing with at the moment, then operate from that position. If you decide instead to assume that wife's actions 'must have' already proven her unforgivable, then decide how forcing that assumption to a destructive climax will benefit you--and do that before operating to bring about those results.

 

In your corner.