I have hope..

[cosmokohn55]

After my boyfriend of a year and half broke up with me three weeks ago , because he needed his space and felt overwhelmed , I lost my mind. I cried everyday for him .. I didn't call though. I called him last Saturday for closure and we talked for an hour. He said he missed me and he would to marry anyone it would be me. I believe him . He said that he needs to get his life together so one day ,years from now we just might be that couple again.

 

Due to his saying he wanted space , I decided not to call or text. But yesterday I received a text from . Surprised I was.. IT said Hey. How are you doing ? Hope all his well. Surprised as I was.. I didn't text back that day .. even though I wanted to say take me back .. I love you .. lets have great make up sex..

but I didn't

I didn't respond until 2:30 today . .. I said Hey. I have been okay. Busy with school ending. How are you doing? How's work? Hope work is going steady for you so you don't have to pull an long night. I don't think it was to much

I was surprised at how nice .. but yet strong I could be .

 

He hasn't text or called back .. but I am leaving it up to him now. If he wants to be with me .. he knows my number it hasn't changed.. he knows how I feel .. so he knows the doors open for communication. But I am not going to look weak by calling or texting him everyday ... after all he broke up with me. .he needs to win me back ..

[TheJerseyKid]

Situations like this are why I ignore the first few attempts at contact during such a short period of NC. A lot of times they could be just throwing crumbs, with 0 intentions behind it, and now you have hope again, which means if it doesn't pan out to your liking, you're going to be crushed all over again. I also feel like 3 weeks really is not a lot of time to get your issues fixed (by both parties), and even if it works short term, it might be destined to fail. Proceed with caution.

[superfox]

Good girl, you're doing amazing! x

[MakeItCount]

one day ,years from now we just might be that couple again.

 

Are you willing to wait for years so you "might" be that couple again? I know you are probably just going to try and berate me again, but you should really think this through. If anything, at least don't sit around hoping he'll call like you have been. Try to take steps to move on with your life so either way, whether he comes back or not, you're in a better place.

[cosmokohn55]

Thanks SuperFox.. it is so hard to remain strong.. But I know my man . loves me .. but needs his space.. So I am going to give him all the space he needs .. until he can realize the value of having me as his girlfriend.

[dramallama]

I had a guy say to me "if I wanted to be in a relationship with anyone, I would choose you." Then when we did end up getting into a relationship, he pulled a disappearing act 4 months later. My point is, what he said to you about marrying you is NOT the same thing as saying "I want to marry you." Sorry to throw a bucket of cold water on your hope there, but if someone wants to marry you, they don't say "I hope we are together in a few years", they stick with you, continue the relationship and propose. They don't say "I'd choose you, if I had to marry someone."

 

If you love someone, and feel they are your soulmate, the last thing you need is space. He would have not have let you go and slip through his fingers if he thought you were the one. What you must accept is that he has thought this decision through a lot, and he knows his own feelings better than you do. What you should start accepting now is that he may never realise that you were a great girlfriend. It's good to hold onto a little bit of hope, but you should always look at the bigger picture and someone's overall actions, and his action of dumping you do not represent someone that sees you in their future.

 

With those text messages, I'm not seeing that he is wanting you back at all. He just wants to make sure you're there. Maybe you could let him know that you would appreciate if he gave you indefinate space, and if he wants to reconcile he must be clear about his intentions, otherwise you will not be responding. Then wish him a good life.

[cosmokohn55]

The problem with your advice dramallama .. is that you don't know my situation or my man . He means what he says. When it comes down to it .. you just don't know him. I appericate the advice don't get me wrong.. but hes not a guy that opens up.. and he open up to me about our relationship last time we talked.. I have hope for us.. but am being the strong one in the relationship ..

[dramallama]

I know that you want to think that your relationship is unique, cosmo. But I've read many, many situations similar to yours, and love is pretty simple - if two people love each other, they will make progress in moving TOWARDS one another. If he wanted to get married to you, and saw you as his future wife, he would have proposed, not dumped you and said "see ya in a couple of years".

 

I know it's easier on your heart to think "oh, that person is giving good advice, but as for MY situation, it's so different. They don't know me." But I've seen your ex before, in the hundreds of other stories out there. If he loved you, he wouldn't have dumped you. "Space", "finding myself" are all variations of "it's not you, it's me" which REALLY means, "it's not me, it's you and I don't see you in my future."

 

Pick up a copy of the book "he's just not that into you." I know it's natural to be defensive because the truth hurts, but you need to hear it.

[MakeItCount]

The problem with your advice dramallama .. is that you don't know my situation or my man . He means what he says. When it comes down to it .. you just don't know him. I appericate the advice don't get me wrong.. but hes not a guy that opens up.. and he open up to me about our relationship last time we talked.. I have hope for us.. but am being the strong one in the relationship ..

 

The problem with this, as I've said before, is that we see this all the time on these forums. The dumpee is given crumbs, and strung along. If this guy had any respect, he would've told you it was over, and stopped contacting you. Let's say he keeps messaging you ever two weeks. Saying he misses you, but he's not ready to be with you. And this keeps going and going and going. And one day, he starts dating someone else. How will you feel then? Just consider that. You may say we don't know him, but we know basic human behavior and it tends to follow a pattern. I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't want you to move to a better place, slowly.

 

Everyone thinks their case is special. Take a look around these forums, you'll see that.

[MakeItCount]

dammit llama.

[cosmokohn55]

I am sorry .. but a relationship is a two person thing. I know him.. you don't I don't know what happened in your case.. but .. I am sorry you can't say he didn't love me. ..you don't know ..sorry .

[dramallama]

I'm not saying he didn't love you, I'm sure he did love you at some point. He may even still have love for you now. But that love is obviously not enough for him to want to continue being in a relationship with you. He gave great thought into whether he should leave or stay, and his love for you DID weigh in on that decision, but unfortunately for you, for some reason, one that you or I may never know, he chose to break up. Quite the opposite of marrying someone, if you ask me.

 

What other information do you want to give me so that I CAN assess your situation properly in your case, then? But really, I think I know enough information now that he has let you go, he doesn't see himself marrying you in the near future, and he's given you a bit of hope so that you'll hang around as a back up, if he doesn't find anyone better. As I said, if he loved you and saw you in his future, he would have proposed, but he didn't - he dumped you.

 

It's easier to stick your fingers in your ears and say "lalalalalalalalalalala" - but if you face the truth you will become stronger, instead of trying to avoid it. Everyone of us have all been there. Your ex is NOT moving towards you, he is running far far away from you, and I would be surprised if he came back. But you never know, stranger things have happened.

 

And I know you aren't getting the answer you were looking for on this forum, but really, we've all been there before, heard all of the lines, been given false hope etc. We are doing you a favour by letting you know what is REALLY happening, because you are so stuck in denial that you can't see the wood for the trees right now. But that's ok because if you don't want to use this advice and accept it, someone else will.

[italiannmf24]

Well said, dramallama.

[mrwebcam]

well then why are you posting here if you know him so well.People give you advice but seems like you know your happy ending,goodluck

[cosmokohn55]

you know.. some of you.. lack to see the dynamic of this post.. I was posting on my strength to not contact him.. and let him come to me.. Some of you maybe had bad relationships .. I didn't . I had a very loving one. Everything was great .. I went away to school and my boyfriend who had just gotten his GED .. didn't feel he was good enough. Despite all my praise to him and the love and nuture I showed him he said . that he needs to grow up and become someone that is worth marrying. You people on here are quick to say things won't work... Why don't just look at the good. I have not shown him that I am weak .I am showing him that I can be okay in time.. and that I would welcome him back .. since we never did have a problem. So you people out there judge me .. but judge yourselves firsts. Mr.Webcam , I don't think you have the right to judge what I post.. I am here to let out confused feelings and gain something along the way of self discovery. I don't know what your problems are .. but you are not professionals ... you are not experts if you read a ton of post.. you are only in the same position that I am in. Don't ever judge anyone.. you never know what is going on .And unless you have a M.D. in psychology than I suggest not calling yourselves experts.. Every relationship is as unique as the individual .. and that just maybe the reason you are here. Your not an individual . You are a chameleon, you judge everything as one.. overlooking the extraordinary. Go ahead and think I am crazy. MAybe I am .. Or maybe I am just in love , with an individual that is so unique that I know hes not what you say. Don't overlook ..people or you just might miss someone wonderful .

[TheJerseyKid]

@OP: Why have you started a thread if you aren't willing to listen, or take serious the advice and suggestions you are given? It seems to me like you're looking for validation in your approach to this, and you aren't going to get it, because its simply fundamentally wrong from the ground up. Yes NC is good, and we are happy that you seem to be doing alright with that part of it, but the fact is, while your relationship is unique, and your EX boyfriend is unique, as another poster pointed out, human behavior is not. This exact story has been posted before. We've seen it all. "My man doesn't open up, he spilled his guts to me, he never did this" etc etc.. and it's never ended good for the person that has your mindset. We are not judging "everything as one", we are giving an honest opinion based upon what information you have given us, and you've essentially spit in our faces, and even after that, when you make another post here a few months later wondering why he wont talk to you, or say the things you want to hear, we'll probably STILL give you what we believe to be good, solid advice.

[dramallama]

Why would you want to wait around for someone that dumped you though? What if you let him back after you've improved, but then he dumps you again because of another flaw?

 

But you did have a problem, the problem was that he didn't want to be with you. You USED to have a loving relationship, but that is in the past now. I congratulate you on sticking with NC, because it's not exactly a cakewalk and it DOES take strength. However, what people are picking up on in your posts is the lack of clarity, and the fact that you are hoping he will come back if you stick with NC. I'm just trying to make it easier on you by telling you what is REALLY happening with him, so that you are not in for a nasty surprise later, or that you will let him string you along for months and months, feeding you a bit of hope at a time.

 

It's hard to face reality, and I know you don't want to let him go, or let go of your future together. But you have already lost him, before he even broke up with you. Saying "hey, how's it going?" is not winning you back. Be strong until you get the magic words you want to hear. No, not "I miss you" because apparently in dumperland that phrase does NOT mean "I want to be with you." What you should be looking out for is, "I have made a mistake. I want to be with you. When can we meet so we can talk about us?"

 

Love IS wonderful when you have it, and I do appreciate love. But when someone isn't showing you love and commitment, and is in fact trying to get AWAY from you, then you are kidding yourself if it's wonderful. The only wonderful thing to come out of this would be is if you stood up for yourself and stuck with NC, not to get him back, but so that you can move on from someone that has chosen not to be with you. By clinging onto hope and contacting him, if you do end up doing that, you are not respecting his wishes to not be with you. He asked for space, and just in case you feel like contacting him, remember that he dumped you. If he contacts you, it is probably to string you along, and you need to be very clear to him that you are not willing to be in contact with someone that is unsure about being with you. Tell him that you are only going to respond to contact if it relates to moving towards reconciliation.

 

I've seen you before - in the others that come here CONVINCED that their case is different, but then 8 months later they are frustrated and distraught because they are no closer to reconciling, because they've allowed their ex to string them along. It's great that you have been doing NC, but the reason you are doing it is to get him back, but that's not the way NC should be used, otherwise you're going to be disappointed.

[MakeItCount]

Noone said we're experts. I'm not sure why you're getting so defensive. Actually, I do. It's because you're not hearing what you want to hear. We have looked at many posts, many situations, so in a sense, that makes us much more experienced than you. In addition to this, we have the added advantage of being an outsider looking in, no emotions involved. We are just giving you advice. I bet you if someone comes in her saying "go girl, call him up right now, tell him you want him back!!" You'll become their best friend. I'm not sure how many times we must tell you that we're not trying to attack you, or kill your hopes. We are being REALISTIC. Looking at just the good in a situation is living in a dreamland.

 

Anyways, I'm done beating a dead horse for now, since you're just ignoring this anyways. I hope it helps someone else who comes accross this. Good luck, and I look forward to hearing updates from you.

[faithful14]

I think its best to not be so harsh on the OP.

 

We can all give her our advice and then let her do what she wants with it.

 

That's the purpose of giving advice: it's there for her to leave it or take it.

[dramallama]

Why ask for it when you only will accept the answer that you already have inside your head, though?

[faithful14]

Because no matter what anybody says, she will do what she believes is best for her and her situation.

 

We can do our best to assess what's happening and give her advice that we think can help her.

 

Advice is advice and people will still do what they believe is best for themselves.

[dramallama]

But what they think is "best" for themselves, such as keeping in touch with their ex for example, isn't always the right thing to do. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the easiest thing, or even the option that you want to take. But there is a hot stove and people before you have put their hand on it, and then you come along telling them not to touch it because if they do, they will burn themselves, you should be greatful for that information. But dumpees (and 99% of threads are created by dumpees, because the dumpers have already moved on), come here CONVINCED that their sitch is different, and that the outcome is different, like we haven't seen it before.

 

The fact is, cosmo came here looking for a specific answer, and when it's not what she came here for, she flipped.

[Capricorn3]

He said that he needs to get his life together so one day ,years from now we just might be that couple again...

How many years are you willing to wait for something that might happen, with no guarantee that it will ever happen?

[Hollyj]

The problem with your advice dramallama .. is that you don't know my situation or my man . He means what he says. When it comes down to it .. you just don't know him. I appericate the advice don't get me wrong.. but hes not a guy that opens up.. and he open up to me about our relationship last time we talked.. I have hope for us.. but am being the strong one in the relationship ..

 

Then I think he would have replied to your message.

The guy is getting a big ego stroke knowing you're still hanging on. Sorry, but when you're in love with someone you don't let them go so easily.

[annie24]

It's been my personal experience that the guys who do come back - they do so once you are over them. I've had guys come back after years. But you know what - in those years, i moved on. I went through A LOT in my life, and I realized that Mr. Right would have been there for me, he would not have abandoned me when I needed him. And then they want to pick up right where they left off and you're like, "buddy - a lot has happened to me in the last 3 years! I'm not the same girl i was 3 years ago." Because you grow and change and maybe even get angry when someone wants to just 'pick up where they left off' and really, you can't do that. You're not a toy in the attic that he can put down and then come back to later when he wants to play. No.

 

Oh well, it's your life, you can wait as long as you want for him. but as you see your friends getting engaged, getting married, having babies.... and you are still waiting.... you might realize it's time to move on with your own life.