Calling a females!!! I need some advice badly!!

[pbsurf]

I'm confused. this has progressed very, very rapidly. Is there a part of you that is ok / resigned to the divorce? you seem to have thrown in the towel very quickly. I can sympathize, although it took me much longer to come to this sort of resignation/acceptance...

 

if you want custody -do NOT leave the house.

 

get a lawyer, fight for full custody.

[lostandhurt]

I wish I could say I didn't see this coming.

 

The choice was made some time ago but she was just trying to make it look like she wasn't just walking away.

 

My thoughts:

Do not move out!

Treat her like a roomate and nothing more.

Make copies of all important documents.

Talk to your friends and family and see if they know a good lawyer.

Mediation may work for you so consider it. Saves time and money.

Do not hide this from your family and friends, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Let them support you as you try and accept what is happening to your life.

Spend as much time with your kids as possible.

If the divorce is for sure strike early while she is more apt to give you more than she will later. She is in a fog of fantasy with this other man and just wants to be there with him. It is not cruel, just the business of divorce.

Do all the things I told you earlier on this thread.

 

Lastly: Take a deep breath and know that this is not the end of your life, do not fear losing everything, do not fear being broke, they are just things and money you can get more of.

 

I am sorry this turned out this way.

Lost

[Real Deal]

Well we r getting a divorce, now debating living arrangements and kids. Options thrown out is kids stay in home and one of us leaves or we cohabitat until the school year is over so both kidscan be with us but we set boundaries, any thoughts?

 

Man, talk about deja vu. I really do fell for you man but like Lost said. You WILL survive this. She wants to leave so you call the shots. Have EVERYTHING documented and do not take her at her word when it comes to custody/visitation rights, or anything else that pertains to your kids for that matter. You want to know the best thing you can do? Be happy. Do at least ONE thing for yourself every single day. Workout, read, see friends, do hobby, etc. It will not take the pain away but it sure will take the edge off a lot. Keep posting on here. Be strong and don't back down. Her tone will change when she sees you are fine with things and YOU want the divorce. There is no amount of counseling, begging or reasoning that will get her out of this 'fog' and maybe nothing will. That should not be your concern. Move on with your life like she has the plague and there is no cure for it. Do not be mean or angry either. You do that - she wins. If she throws a fit or tries to get you to tell her you still care and want her, don't do it.

 

Oh, and DO NOT leave the house.

[byante]

We went to the counselor and he tried talking to us and he kept asking her questions and he finally said if she doesn't have any wiggle room to make it work then there is not much he could do. He said if he could sense amy small desire from her he could see a possibility

But he saw no desire on her part to make it work. So what was weird was I felt a sense of relief, os that wrong? O guess I had been agonizing over not knowing what was going to happen to finally having sort of decision. Or maybe I was just as unhappy, I don't know, maybe I am just numb and it will hit me later. Now the choice is do I make her leave or do we just coexist for the time being? She has told me she wants joint custody

[Lonewing]

Joint custody is fine as long as you are primary residence...

 

Don't back down from anything...

 

I wish there was an easy way to deal with the house and kids part - you'll have to leave eventually, and there is no reason you won't return to a restraining order from your own house - I hope you have a good lawyer in the family.

[pbsurf]

No, it is natural and normal to feel relief. But that will fade and you will be angry, sad and eventually frustrated that you did not try harder.

 

You have to fight. First, you should decide if there is any part of you that wants to keep your family together. Picture your first night away from your children. Imagine many of those nights and how tough its going to be. I hate to tell you this, but it is not something you can really imagine. So yes, it will hit you later and there will be nothing you can do then, I understand that your counselor and your wife think this is a good idea - but you have veto power.

 

If she wants a divorce - then tell her to move out. Start there -she said the other night that you could have custody, run with that.

 

Make her understand completely what her choices are leading to. Get her to find an apartment and be a single Mom.

[Lester]

Dear Byante, Sorry for slow responses... Back and forth to hospital.

 

Again....

Do you want to stay married? Yes or No.

 

You have never really answered the question. (Go ahead, check your posts)

 

Yes, Well your still doing everything wrong.

 

It’s not about her!

 

Most marriages are an “A” personality marrying a “B” Personality.

 

You are most likely an “A” which explains your need to rush to the bottom line.

 

Trust me, you don’t want to do that. Anybody can “do” the black and white mechanics of divorce.

 

------------------------

Answer the question! Yes or No. NO QUALIFIERS.

------------------------

 

If yes.

 

It doesn’t matter what has happed or what she has said!

 

Unless:

You have been served.

She told you she is in love with another man.

You can’t account for her time anymore.

 

Then,

She has no idea what she wants! I repeat.

SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE WANTS!

 

------------------------

What to do?

Stop making mistakes!

Re-read your posts.

“well we r getting a divorce” notice the word we? Again it’s not about her!

“she doesn’t have any wiggle room” Notice the word “she”? Again it’s not about her!

“he saw no desire on her part” Notice the word “her”? Again it’s not about her! (and she should have never been there!)

 

YOUR COUNSELOR IS A JERK AND IS GOING TO DESTROY YOUR CHANGES OF SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. (Remember I told you not to take her?)

 

Again, you can still save your marriage! I mean it!

 

First aid, (your running out of options)

STOP HELPING HER MAKE DECISSIONS.

You are going to drive her into the other man’s arms.

 

She’s used to you making the decisions for her. Stop! No matter what was said last night. When she talks to you today… Just say “I don’t know” to everything. Buy time.

 

Don’t do anything. Don’t work on the mechanics of the divorce. (Any A** can do that!)

 

Stop, helping others destroy your marriage.

 

Fight for your marriage by standing down and shutting your mouth.

Don’t go back to the counselor… he’s wreaking your marriage!

Re-read my posts. Do what I say and you may save your marriage.

 

I’m off to the hospital. Les

 

P.S. Stop being the husband driving the nails in your marriage.

[byante]

Well Les,

 

I do want to be married to her if she loves me, I don't want to be married to someone who has no love for me anymore. She has told me, friends of ours says she is absolute in her decision and shows no emotion and doesn't even have an inkling of wondering is she still wants to be with me(and these are friends on my side).

 

I can't keep thinking that she is going to come back to me because if she doesn't it will be that much harder. Is there anyone out there that did change and it didn't matter in the end, the marriage was still over.

 

So at this point I am not going to try change her mind anymore, that is what I was trying to do, but it is not working. I am now going to let her

be and go one her way of doing what she needs to do. I am going to go to a counselor (a different one) and just work on my issues not the marriage. I am going to spend time with my kids and read. I am going to move on with the divorce, we aren't doing it right away.

 

The hardest thing is being in the same house with her, her going around like nothing is wrong and her moving on. If things change with me and she likes it then I will cross that road when it comes I guess.

[turnera]

SHE wants out of the marriage, SHE CAN LEAVE.

 

But the kids stay in their home.

 

PERIOD.

 

Are you listening? There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR YOU TO LEAVE YOUR HOME.

 

If she doesn't like that, that's just too bad. SHE wants out of the marriage, SHE CAN LEAVE.

 

Get to a lawyer TODAY and protect your right to your kids, and protect your finances.

[byante]

Does anyone have experience with living together while going through divorce? or any threads or sites?

 

Thanks

[lostandhurt]

Yes Byante I have before she finally found a place to rent and move out.

 

My friend Benga on the thread I mentioned the other day is still dealing with his Walk Away after 4 years and still no divorce. Post on the thread and we will help you.

She is done, she isn't going to change her mind so now it is about survival for you and your children. We can help you learn to accept what is happening, the person she has become and what to expect from her in the coming days and months and how not to react to it.

 

Having my walk away in the same house for about 4 months was no fun at all! It was like living with a stranger that looked just like my wife. This will get worse, you will be frustrated and amazed at just how un-emotional about the whole thing she will be. You will get the empty stare, the long blinks and the disconnect from her former life.

Post here for advice from veterans

 

Lost

[byante]

I guess I am having a hard time make the disconnect with my wife when she is in the same house. AS long as she is there I don't feel the panic of being alone.

[watergirl10]

Criticism is the #1 killer of marriages. John Gottman found in 20 years of studying couples that there were four behaviors that could be found in 90% of divorces. He can watch couples fight for 10 minutes and know if they will end up divorced or not.

The number he lists is criticism. If you want your marriage to survived, you need to change this behavior;, he calls it the four horsemen of the marital apocalypse:

 

link removed

[Lester]

Dear Byante, (Please understand. I'm trying to save your marriage.)

 

You did it again.... "I do want to be married to her if she loves me," This is not love! It’s something kids in high school do. I.e.(I’ll love you if you love me.)

 

That’s not what a loving marriage is about.

 

To love, honor and obey. In sickness or in health.

 

In SICKNESS or in health.

 

She’s sick Byante and she needs you.

 

You don’t recognize this now because of your injured pride.

 

Trust me, you will after the divorce.

 

Don’t be fooled by the divorce solution. Make no mistakes about it… your divorce will haunt you for the rest of your life.

 

Again,

Do you want to stay married? Yes or No. No conditions.

[Lonewing]

He has no power to intervene so long as this marriage is lopesided - if she wishes to end it, there's literally nothing he can do agaisnt her sabotage.

 

He can better himslf while he is there, and hopefully, she will move out if she can't take being around him. I am afraid that she will eventually get a restraining order and have an officer meet him at the doorstep to his own house - and this DOES happen. And in this case, she'd have the kids too, becaue no doubt they are in the house alone with her. And once htis situation is in place, it's EXTREMELY hard for the man to fight back.

[byante]

I hate this. One minute I am so angry at her, the next I am just lost without her, at other times I am fine. I just want this to be all a bad dream that I will wake up from. How can someone just be so heartless about a divorce? Someone I loved for 10 years.

 

Anybody got any good resources on strategies on how to cope with divorce. Books, sites

 

Thanks

[Lonewing]

This site is great.

 

You're on the mental rollercoaster, and it goes up and down, around and around. You'll get through it, but you have to remember your paramount role in your recovery.

 

I wish you the best, man. I agree, this really sucks.

[Oneironaut]

How can someone just be so heartless about a divorce?

 

This may not help, but something I learned when my now ex-husband first told me he wanted a divorce was that they are not heartless, but they have been distancing themselves from you in their minds for a LOOONG time.

 

Yes, to YOU, it's out-of-the-blue, it's sudden, it's unexpected. To them, it's the culmination of a long thought process.

 

I guarantee that if you two genuinely loved each other once, she has grieved over the loss of the feelings...but for her, the time of grieving has passed, and she's ready to move on.

 

You're only just now grieving, so from your point of view, she appears to be quite cold about it.

 

I was told the same thing, that he still loved me, but was no longer IN love with me. Well, I promised to change and said all the things that needed to be said, and he agreed to stay. But it was never, ever the same after that. Two years later, he told me he wanted a divorce again. This time, I DID change, and for a while, things seemed OK...but I was kidding myself, he simply didn't love me like that anymore, and I began to realize it. So two years later, when he said he wanted one again, I simply nodded and said I agreed. We continued to live together as roommates for another year and a half before our very amicable divorce 11 months ago.

 

So is it likely her feelings for you will come back? In my opinion, no. Once a person has reached the ILYBINILWU point, those romantic feelings are usually long gone, and they have accepted that.

 

There are only two things I can tell you now: 1) It WILL get better with time, and 2) Get a lawyer, and get EVERYTHING in writing. As amicable as our divorce was, I didn't get a lawyer, and agreed to some things that are now biting me in the ass. If I could go back and change only one thing, I'd get a lawyer this time.

 

Best of luck to you, and keep posting on this site. It can actually be quite therapeutic.

[Lester]

Dear Byante,

I’m sorry if I came accross as a “bore” or “know it all.” It is very hard to convey this information without stressing the male’s role in a stable family.

 

Best to you!

[byante]

No you didn't, I know you meant well. I am just now in survival mode. I feel I am in a no win situation. I am resigned to fact that we are getting divorced. I am just trying now to do what is best for me but more importantly my kids. I have been reflecting back on our relationship and I don't think I was happy either it was just I had someone to be with. I don't know if I am more scared of losing her or more scared of being alone, since I haven't been alone for 10 years. Is that a normal feeling. I want to move on and in the my mind I want to transform our relationship to a friendship but I don't know how long that takes to change. Has anyone had experiences with becoming just friends and it turns out all right. Right now we are still in the same house for the kids sake, we coexist. I stay upstairs and she has been staying downstairs, we eat dinners together with the kids but at bedtime she comes up and goes to bed in the same bed. I don't know if this is making it harder for me to accept the fact that it is over or if it would be hard no matter what. When I am next to her in bed I feel at peace.

[redswim30]

OP,

 

I hear you and I sympathize. I went through something very similar with my ex-husband. Relationships and people change, and we don't always get to decide when or how.

 

As someone once said " We cannot control anyone in this life. It is only an illusion because in reality we can barely control ourselves. If you don't agree, sit in front of a giant piece of your favorite type of cake for over an hour and try not to take a bite"

 

Some things that I learned from my divorce -

 

- You can't make someone feel something that they don't

- You can't change the present by reminding someone of the past

- If someone else is involved- accusing, spying, getting angry, etc will only push them into the OW/OM's arms faster. If really they want to stay with you(break up with them), they will.

- If someone has already left the marriage mentally, counseling won't help

- You must accept that you cannot control your spouse (what they do, feel and think)

- Chances are the underlying issues behind this have been going on much longer than you thought.

-Your past relationship is not your present relationship

- Do positive things for yourself- it can only be beneficial in the longrun, regardless of the outcome

- You had a life before this person and you will have a life after this person

- Divorce is painful, but it doesn't have to be earth-shattering. You can recover and even be happier.

 

Believe me, I once sat where you do now. I know how painful it can be. I never thought when I was in that place that I would ever feel better. But once the dust cleared, and with much help from supportive people, I picked myself up. When I did, I became happier than I had been in a long time. I never thought I'd ever want another relationship- I thought my ex husband was it ! But now that I am in a new relationship, I realized all the things that really were missing in my marriage that my ex was right about. We had been together so long, we had both (of course I didn't realize it at the time cause I was so hurt) turned a blind eye to problems that hurt us both deeply.

Granted, people aren't always as fortunate to land where I did, but I can tell you firsthand it IS possible ! My new bf was the biggest surprise of my life. You may have one too- A new career, a new hobby, a new circle of friends, etc. You never know. But one thing is for sure- You need to take care of yourself. Don't hold on to the pain as a means to cope, I did, and it only made things worse for me. I wish I had started working on myself sooner. You cant control her, but you can control you- So why not start by making yourself as happy as possible.

 

All the best to you !

[byante]

Well I drew the line in the sand. I told her I wasn't going to move out period. She also expressed her reluctance to move out, saying that she thinks I am incapable of keeping the kids in their day to day routine. I told her that was the past and this is now, circumstances have changed. She went and stayed at a friends house tonight and we are both going to do a pro and cons of all three options.

1) I leave

2) she leaves

3) We both stay

 

But we decided that with both stay list what are some of the dynamics that need to change.

 

Is this something that I should be doing? Any advice I should stick by?

[Oneironaut]

So maybe I misunderstood something...she wants to give you full custody at some point, but she thinks you're incapable of keeping them in their day to day routine..?

[byante]

Yeah I am confused too, she keeps changing her mind. Now she wants joint custody.

[Oneironaut]

Honestly, you two need to sit down and hash this out before you get a lawyer. The longer you retain one, the more expensive it is for you. She needs to make up her mind once and for all. But as many here have told you, whatever you do, do NOT move out of the house.

 

If you both stay, yes, there are dynamics that will have to be adjusted. But it IS workable.

 

Don't allow her to keep changing her mind. Sit down with her with a pen and paper, and come to some agreements. If she changes her mind again, tell her this isn't going to work for you, and she needs to leave so that you can both get some breathing room to decide what you want once and for all. Yanking you around isn't cool at all, especially considering that she obviously left this marriage in her mind a long time ago. She should have a much better idea of what she wants than she's letting on.