Lonewing Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Do be careful. There are a million things that can happen here, but it is a shadowy road you embark down. I do think keeping a strong central position on "I'm staying here and keeping full custody of the kids" will play to your strengths. It is none of her concern whether or not you can sustain their daily routine - because you CAN maintain it now that you have to. As long as you maintain a strong sense that you CAN maintain that routine, and you do, [yes, obvious adjustment will be necessary!] but it's not her say to tell you you CAN'T! But that does sound like a wise attempt of her to tear you down a bit to get you to concede to her! I do hope you know someone who's a lawyer, or know someone who knows a good lawyer. And there is a chance she'll have a change of heart as well once she realizes how awful this is going to be. How you handle this, and how you react to it, is all a matter of your personal conviction. If she does, just remember that BOTH of you have things that you'll have to work on in order to make it work. Don't stop working on those things within yourself that you recognize separated her from you in her mind - if for nobody else, make yourself better for your children. I might have another book recommendation, if even a glimmer of reconciliation remains. "The Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Married" by Wendy Jaffe, if for nothing else other than the first 20 pages and Chapter 10. It's one of the best books I've ever bought. If you were to pass it on to your wife, I'd bookmark the 19the page and highlight the second paragraph. I hope it doesn't get too ugly. The more difficult you make it for her, the more likely it will get ugly once she realizes you aren't laying down and dying like she'd hope you would. And if it gets too difficult, it COULD have the benefit of making her realize she DOES want to work on the relationship. Either way, it's important at least in my mind that since she wanted all these changes, that it is she who bears the brunt of it by being the one who leaves! Link to comment
byante Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Yeah I am noticing that the she was willing to cooperate when I was just agreeing with her. Now that I have taken a stand and told her how certain things will be she has dug her heels in now. The biggest thing she is wanting is the house, which I am fine with, but she alone make 2400/month and the house payment is 1400. Like I said she is the the land of make believe. Today we are supposed to meet and discuss the living arrangements. I hope I can get her to move out, but I doubt it. I feel we are going to be headed towards cohabitation. Which will make it harder for me to make that separation. Link to comment
byante Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well my STBX and I came to a decision today. She tried her hardest to persuade me to leave and I told in in no uncertain terms that I will not leave. She then hinted that she might force me, and I told her that if she attempts that then the gloves will come off(I have information that would cost her here job and she knows it) The minute I said that she backed off immediately. So we are going to coexist in the same house. She is moving downstairs and I will remain upstairs. We have put in a lot of boundaries that we both agreed to. She seems ok with it for now, I am ok with it for now. If it doesn't work she said she would try to move out for a week. Any advice? Sites? Threads? on cohabiting Link to comment
Raoul Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 byante, Be careful. If she even hints at 'domestic violence', you'll be out before you can blink and be further blanked by a restraining order that will keep you out of the house and away from your kids. No to go all James Bond, but you might consider keeping a voice-activated-recorder (VAR) on you at all times. Consult a family court attorney for additional tips on this matter. One of the biggest risks we have as men is that the DV laws are harsh and unbalanced. That's partly out of necessity. But your wife wouldn't be the first one to work it to her advantage. Raoul Link to comment
Lonewing Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 When she hinted she might force you to leave, the bell in my head went off that said "see your attorney sooner than later." The gloves are already off, don't get caught off guard by her indecisiveness. You knows what she wants - she wanted you to simply leave and settle for joint custody. and whatever other concessions she would have requested. She's not going to give up on getting any of them -and this time that she is gaining she will use to plot her next move on getting YOU out while she figures things out for herself. There might be some strength related to when you file in relation to when she files. These are matters you have to discuss with a good attorney - we're useless to you on these matters. However, I do feel this will get far uglier far quicker than you ever imagined. There are manners and methods to which one can be evicted from the house, underwhich custody can be awarded, so on and so forth, even before the divorce has been finalized. You will need to be more and more aware with this legalese the further this goes. The more you do know, the less likely you will be to fall into a trap. I found this just now through google...keep in mind none of us are in any position to provide you with counsel; this is information alone and how you use it will be best done with the supoprt of proper representation. The information you do find on the web, though, might be intsrumental in helping you formulate her likely plans of attack so that you can sidestep them when they do arrive and NOT react in a harsh or violent manner. I found the very last sentence to be particularly useful: proceed with caution. link removed And here's another: link removed And another: link removed The information seems to be consistant on a couple matters. 1, Don't leave. 2, Get proper counsel. Kudos on not leaving. There's no reason you should give up anything just because she's given up on your relationship!! I hope your kids are doing well. Link to comment
byante Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 First night sleeping in separate bedrooms, I feel all alone. This sucks. Link to comment
benga Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Sleeping alone is better than sleeping with a "stranger" who looks like your wife.... Good that you have established boundaries. I posted something for your on John's thread. You might want to take a look at that.. Shift focus from her to yourself... This is going to be a long rollercoaster, and you need to take care of yourself... Your kids need you more than ever right now. They understand what is going on and are going to be very confused... It alright to take a mild sleeping aid if you cant sleep. You need to relax and get some mental rest. You aren't any good to anybody (especially yourself) if you are stressed and mentally fatigued... Take a pill and get some sleep if you cant... Link to comment
byante Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I know it was hard to sleep alone, but she even came up last night. I was kind of minding my own business and she walked in my room, I felt uncomfortable. I am doing things more myself now. I think in my earlier posts I was in denial of our relationship is over. Now I have come to grips with the lose of our marriage, I am now asserting myself with her, and I am standing up for what is right for me. I have also been overly concerned with the kids and not my well being. One person said, not sure who, it is like if a plane is going down, you put the mask on yourself first then your children. That made sense. I do want to thanks all of you guys for your support. You guys are really helping me by giving me a place to express my feelings, but then I get some encouragement and sometimes a reality check. This forum is really helping me. Again Thanks, and I will keep posting Link to comment
byante Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Well the stbx and I had a big argument. We were talking and then she starting becoming very rude with me. She has always done this to me in the past and I always just put up with it, but I was fed up and I lit into for everything, nothing was off limits. Then it ended she was in tears, and then I felt bad.(nothing physical we never have done that). But in a weird sense it felt good. I let out everything that I had been holding in for the past weeks, it was stuff I wanted to say but was too scared to say because I didn't want to lose her. Now that is headed for splitsville, I didn't care. Now I know I shouldn't do that again, but I felt a sense of relief from it. Link to comment
benga Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Don't deny your feelings. if you do, the process of healing will only get longer. If you still have feelings for her - you have feelings for her : accept it.. If you are hurting - you are hurting : accept it.. If you are confused, baffled, dazed : you are confused, baffled & dazed : accept it.. Tell yourself you are feeling the way you are and accept it... No bravado to self, and no staying in denial... Just tips to help you through this... Very likely that you will wake up in the morning feeling like crap, because of the argument... The confrontation and resistance from her will get more intense likely the next few week. I would suggest that these could be managed with more tact from your side to avoid the blow up... Maybe she is pushing you over the edge, just to get you so worked up so she can have a DV charged up against you and have you out of the house in record time... caution my friend... be careful.... She isn't the woman she used to be and she will do things in her control / power to keep the kids and your house and have you on the roads.... be careful... Link to comment
Lonewing Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 If at any time she feels compelled to believe that you are a risk and a threat to her, she can get a restraining order that will have you removed very quickly. Emotional violence and yelling alone could be enough, even. You'll have to think in terms of both battles and wars here - though who knows how this will go. I am very thin on what advice I can give at this point...like I've mentioned before, it's above me at this point. Link to comment
Raoul Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 byante, Resolve not to do this again. To blow off steam and express yourself is a good thing. But it quickly becomes toxic, even dangerous. You are the man in this relationship. She can charge you with emotional abuse and, under the law, that has almost the same effect as physical abuse. It can get you thrown out of your house, restrained from being near her and, most important, constrained from seeing or caring for your children. She can also invent things to accuse you of physical threats or even violence. Once that happens, you will be dealt with harshly under the presumption of guilt as an abuser. Get advice from your attorney about how to best manage your in-house situation. You've no idea how fast things can get really ugly here and at your expense. Next time she becomes rude, end the conversation and walk away. No harsh words or comebacks. Just walk away. Treat her as you would a work colleague that you must work with but would otherwise prefer no interaction with. What you want now is most important. Pursue your ends. Do not engage her. Stay as close to no-contact as you can. Document everything and include dates and times. Raoul Link to comment
byante Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 I have already made that resolve, I will not get into an argument. If she becomes pushy again I am just leaving to go for a walk, that is my plan. I know I felt good getting it off my chest, but I don't want to jeopardize anything. Link to comment
byante Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Well I have made an appointment for a legal consult. He comes highly recommended. I also have a counseling appointment set for Friday. I am wanting to know my legal rights and take the step on how to deal with this emotionally. Link to comment
Raoul Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Well I have made an appointment for a legal consult. He comes highly recommended. I also have a counseling appointment set for Friday. I am wanting to know my legal rights and take the step on how to deal with this emotionally. Now you're taking good steps. Both of these are good ideas for your wellbeing. Raoul Link to comment
benga Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Excellent. You are already focussing on yourself and what is right / good for you. Keeping the focus on her will be emotionally draining and will not serve you well. Ask the counsellor for tips & techniques for keeping you calm and keeping you on the plain. At times like this, you cannot afford an outburst of emotions, feelings - besides anger etc in front of her. She will misconstrue this completely and rewrite the whole episode... Be sure, that with her support system comprising of her family, her friends, your common friends, she is very likely making a demon out of you and rewriting your years of history... So be emotionally guarded and protect yourself from anger/outbursts if you ever hear of things that you never said, and of things that you never did.. Link to comment
Outshined Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Well I have made an appointment for a legal consult. He comes highly recommended. I also have a counseling appointment set for Friday. I am wanting to know my legal rights and take the step on how to deal with this emotionally. Best of luck man! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.