byante Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Well that date we went on was ok. She started talked about our relationship and were we stand. She told me she has no feelings of love for me, except loving me as a friend and a father. She said she is still not sure what to do. She said how can she work on our relationship if she doesn't haven't the feeling anymore. She said is we go to the counselor and he tells her that people can lose the feeling completely but with work can get the love back then she is willing to work on it. But is she senses that once it is gone it will be nearly impossible to get it back then she wants to walk. Any thoughts? Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Yes, that feeling can come back. She fell in love with you once, you're just going to have to do it again. And this time, you can't ever forget about this. Maybe this time you are successful, perhaps not, but today is the beginning of the rest of your life. Don't leave this up to us - Carpe Diem. I'm only a secondary source, though. Get the books - I don't care if you buy them or if you get them from the local library, either way it's about $20.00 after shipping, or so, and for what it's worth, it's the cheapest marital advice you'll ever get - both books written by marital counselors! Link to comment
just M.E. Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 byante, There is no guarantee's that the original feelings she had for you can come back. Each person is uniquely different, and it depends how easily she can let go of the emotions that brought her to this point. With that said, you also need to continually look at why you were so critical of her. What is it within you that brought out this characteristics that triggered her loss of feelings? In no way am I laying this all on you, but as a woman, I know that a continual barrage on my sense of self, will erode the love I feel for another. This is not limited to marriage, it is a basic tenancy of human nature. I have one analogy on this scenario. In relationships, each attack, slight and hurt causes us to build defenses to protect ourselves. This becomes a brick wall. Initially, it is no large thing, simply a low barrier that we can easily step over, but with time it grows and comes between us in communication and love. Eventually, it can become so great that the last brick is slipped into place and no love or communication can pass. Can this wall be broken down? I believe it can, but it remains in place is a lesser form. Throughout life, each person must work to keep it from rebuilding. You have a lot of self analysis to do on your part, and she on hers. Talk to her without ego and defenses in place and ask her if she believes she can do this also. This is the only way you each will know what is possible. In the end, you will have made a journey of sorts together, no matter the outcome, you both will have a better future because of this effort. I have been the woman in this story, with different details, but although the talk of change was given, actions didn't follow words. We're all Pavlof's dog, we react to stimulus in our lives, positive and negative. Good luck, you will stumble, so will she, but it is a possibility. Link to comment
byante Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 I am just scared that she won't even give me the chance to change. That is all I am asking for. She is pinning her decision on what the counselor's take is. I feel I have no control over the situation at this point. I am just praying the counselor tells her that getting the feeling back is possible if we are both committed to change. On the other hand I am scared the counselor will tell her if she feels strongly this way then it is time to move on. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Best thing you can do is agree with getting divorced for now. I know, I know, sounds crazy but if you embrace this in a non-combative and accepting way there will be a DRAMATIC shift in her wanting the divorce. It may only be inside of her at first but it WILL change the course of things. She has resentment that needs to fade and 'working on things' will not allow this to happen. EVERY guy that I know that has been dumped (me included) has had a chance to have their wife of ex wife back once they accept things are over for good. There is no logic behind this but they are the facts!! Be calm and cool and show her you are strong and she will have massive attraction for you again. DO NOT beg, plead or try to reason with her. It will NOT work at all. Keep posting on here. Link to comment
byante Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 She says she isn't sure she wants the divorce. She is waiting for our counseling session on Tuesday then is going to go from there. Link to comment
byante Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 Will most counselors encourage to work on it or to end it? Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 27, 2011 Share Posted February 27, 2011 Will most counselors encourage to work on it or to end it? Work on it. They will get paid more to keep you longer (just kidding). Well, then you must do a 180 on the being critical but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and not to make it temporary. No matter what do not beg or plead or seem like she is running the show and like you are walking on egg shells. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Well I every indication is pointing to a divorce. We are still going to counseling tomorrow, but I don't think that will change her mind. We talked briefly about what about the kids if we do get divorced and I said I wanted them and she said I could have them, she would just want to see them. What kind of mom just gives up her kids? On the same hand I am scared to death of being a single father raising two kids on my own. Has guys out there done this, is it hard, is it worth the sacrifice to keep your kids. I am just scared I will be a bad dad on my own. Link to comment
rocio Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Being a single parent isn't so bad. It will take some adjusting but many families function this way. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I skimmed over this and have not read every post but I have read enough adn think the OP has to focus on not into manipulating if the wife will have feeligns for him again, but for his own behavior. I was with a man who forbid me to go out. It wasn't that we made the weekends "our time" - it might be different days - but he actually started running my friends off. He started spreading rumors about me to professional contacts that I was unglued and did things in front of friends to offend them so they wouldn't call us anymore. I felt isolated and didn't figure out what was happening until later. He also constantly criticized me and scolded me like a child - like however I did things I was somehow not as knowledgeable or evolved or as capable as him. The bottom issue was that he was painfully insecure and by constantly keeping tabs on me, he insured that I couldn't achieve more than him, I wouldn't be interested in other people or think they had a skill or a quality that was better (not romantic, but just even platonic female friends or people you would hire for professional services). I really don't blame your wife. It can be so taxing and just slowly chip away at you over time. She may have told you more than once that she wasn't happy or it was just something that chipped away at her and she broke. I would honestly go to counseling with her and then on your own. And on your own deal with your own personal issues and what you are contributing to this problem. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Well I every indication is pointing to a divorce. We are still going to counseling tomorrow, but I don't think that will change her mind. We talked briefly about what about the kids if we do get divorced and I said I wanted them and she said I could have them, she would just want to see them. What kind of mom just gives up her kids? On the same hand I am scared to death of being a single father raising two kids on my own. Has guys out there done this, is it hard, is it worth the sacrifice to keep your kids. I am just scared I will be a bad dad on my own. To even have a chance, you need to "date" her. Just go and try to enjoy yourself, but be good to her. Pull her chair out for her, etc. btw, this could end in a few ways. You could merely take time apart. You could divorce. You could through counseling get back together more. Link to comment
pbsurf Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Stop the presses! She said that she wanted you to take the kids?? This is very unusual in situations like this - not unheard of but unusual and, I think, an indication that she just wants to start a new life, and more importantly, that there is much more to her unhappiness than your behavior. Honestly, reading through your posts, you seem like a pretty devoted Dad/Husband... I would do this. Agree to the divorce. Tell her that she should start looking for a place right away. Assume, right now, that you are the sole caregiver for your kids, and come up with a gameplan to take care of them. You can do it. It is the single most important role you will ever have in your life. It will be hard but you can do it. She is a "walkaway wife" - google it. WAW. you are doing your best and she is just tired of being married and being a Mom. I think you need to focus on your kids, forget about dating and trying to win her back for now and let her think about what a life without her family will be like. (btw, how old are your kids?) Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 7 years old and 17 months old, I don't want to lose my kids and I told her that and she said I could have them for the majority of the time because I need them more. It is just scary. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 So if she is a Walk Away Wife, is it pretty much done with. Link to comment
pbsurf Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I have some questions. does she work? Do you think that she is seeing someone ? ( i know I said ignore that issue but now that it is clear that she wants of of the family[/i] I think it is very important How flexible is your work schedule and financially how are you guys doing? Do you have family locally - someone who would be very reliable and help you in the early stages of being a single Dad? --- I think that you need to change gears here and focus 100% on the kids. "Dating" and counseling imo will not help that much right now because it sounds as if she is either a) extremely confused and has NO idea what she wants or b) has already decided... Rant time... she is throwing this whole thing in your lap - not once have you written about her claiming any responsibility for her behavior, it is all on you. you need to decide what is more important - making her life "easier" and "happier" or the well being of your kids. Honestly, unless I am missing something, her juvenile whining about "not being in love" is really just an excuse for her to escape the responsibilites of being a wife and mother If you were to just focus on becoming a single Dad, and taking care of the kids -it may shock her into reality, particularly if she is moving out. However, if she has someone on the side, you run the risk of her basically just getting away and living in a fantasy world for a bit. Working on the marriage in that scenario would be impossible - she would have to come to her senses on her own I know this is scary. I have three young sons, left when my youngest wasn't even 3, because I didn't know what else to do. My wife had a new guy and I thought if I moved out she would change her mind. She never did. I woke up last night, over five years later, and thought about how much I've missed, even though I am a devoted Dad, I still have to live with the thought that my three children are growing up without me in the house. It never gets easier unfortunately. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Yes she does work, she got her full time teaching job his year. As for seeing someone, I think she is talking to someone, and but she said they are just friends. She said even if we get divorced she has no plans of getting into a relationship. If I question her on it, she throws it in my face that I don't trust her, but I have seen signs of deception. I didn't put anything on her phone because I am scared what I will find out. I do have family but the live an hour and half away. At the time being I have no support locally. Financially we are ok, but would be hurting if we divorce. I feel the same way, but in our relationship when I bring up something she has always flipped it around on me and how it was my fault. She has taken some blame for not talking to me about this earlier and that she wasn't the best wife to me. But the Walk Away Wife sounds just like her, she used to Nag me all the time about everything, then it just stopped. So I thought everything was ok, she told me she it ddin't bother her anymore. There were times I asked her I could sense we were becoming distant and she would just tell me that I was just assuming things. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 The hardest is I could always trust her before and now I feel like she is lying to me. Everything she tells me seems out of character and doesn't add up. Link to comment
pbsurf Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Ok - you might have to assume there is something going on. If she is "talking to someone" I assume that someone is a male, knows she's married, and may not be gay. Do not believe anything she says - if she is cheating or planning on it, then there is not much you can do about it right now. My ex looked me in the eye and said the same things, and then went on to say that she only had enough love for our kids, no one else. and I believed her... No snooping if you can help it. Just really try to put it out of your mind because your priority needs to be your kids, then you. And yeah - when the nagging stops, its a problem. Honestly, if she wants to move out/divorce, call her bluff. I went on a rant before - and I stand by it. The culture nowadays supports the easy way out in marriages, under the pretext of "happiness" - but it is a shortcut and quick fix. I have looked around me in the last five years, the happiest and most well adjusted people on the planet are those in families. They fight, they go through tough times, but they stick together and eventually find each other again. And they, later on, have the wonderful privilege of having raisied children together. Yes, "children adjust" and "children are resilient" etc etc, but really, NO child deserves to have their parents inability to handle life thrust upon them. the advice you will get from divorcebusting and places like that is that it will take years of work and that you are basically the one doing all the heavy lifting. don't expect her to do anything. But, you will find success stories, often the husband is seen as the "rock" later on if it is handled correctly (no fighting etc) That is how she will find her love for you. I have what most people would consider to be an almost ideal situation as a divorced Dad. My ex and I now get along (all business btw), I can see my kids whenever I want and stay over their house often (ex travels for work). I have a very busy and fun social life - have dated quite a bit but so far have been able to put my kids first. Etc etc. I don't live with regrets, but I look back now and if I had to do it over, I would have tried much harder to keep the marriage together. Link to comment
pbsurf Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Oh, and the part that I said about her throwing it all in your lap etc... It does seem that way but don't use this against her at all. Very, very important that you stay positive with her, never fight, (just walk away if you feel angry), never accuse or blame. But don't walk around thinking that this is your fault. Its not. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 I guess I am expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I am hoping counseling can get through to her, but I won't hold my breath. My plan is if she says she wants to work on it after counseling then that is what I will do. If she says she wants a divorce, then I will ask her to leave and I will remain in the house with the kids until the divorce is finalized. I have a feeling that she will want me to leave, but is she wants the divorce then she should leave. Link to comment
pbsurf Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Bingo. Do NOT leave. Not until the ink on the divorce is dry. Make sure that she understands exactly what she is pushing for. And, honestly, she should leave. She has abdicated her responsibility in the marriage, not you. Have you been working out, and finding some things for yourself during the day? I used to take long coffee breaks and write a journal at work. It really helped. Its ok to hope, but remember "hope is not a strategy". Come up with a specific plan that will allow you to take care of yourself and your kids with the least amount of stress. This should include ways for you to avoid conflict with her - if that means no talking and living in separate rooms in the house for a while, so be it. If she agrees to move out, then you come up with a different strategy. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 I type on this site, I have a blog that I type on to express my feelings. I talk to my family for support I know hope is not a strategy. If she decides that tomorrow she is willing to try and salvage are marriage, then I am full board. She is hinging our fate on this counseling session. If she walks away from it that things can change then she said she will work hard to try and fix it. I guess that is what I mean by hope. I hope we get the chance to work it out. I haven't been working out but will start and I have spending time with my kids. I have lost weight but that is because I haven't been eating a lot. Link to comment
byante Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 By the ways thanks Paul for your help, it is really helping me out Link to comment
Lester Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Dear Byante, I posted this on your only, today post. I hope you are the same person. les -------------------- Dear Byante, I glanced at some of your posts. First do you want to stay married? (I highly recommend it!) Yes, keep reading. I understand the "love you, don't love" and I understand not wanting to look for evidence. So let me save you the time. Yes, she is talking another man. He’s is someone close, best friend, co-worker or similar. Just think back to, (what you thought were), happier times. What man did she compliment? It’s most likely him. Don’t do anything rash. This can be a good motivator for you to change. If your failed marriage is your fault then you’ll need to learn what you did wrong in the first place. Right? The criticizing is just a symptom of your overall lack of genuine love for your wife. First, buy time: Do anything to prolong. Do not leave. Do not defend yourself. Listen but do not rebuttal. Be thoughtful of all the ways you offended your wife. (You filled the glass drip by drip.) Pick one, (older the better), and apologize from your heart. She’ll know if your not sincere. Ask her in a quiet moment, face to face if there is another man. If she says yes… you’re too late. If she says no, (most likely a lie), memorize her facial expression and body language. Now, you know her poker face. Just store it in your head. Do not react or say anything other than okay. Think of only changing yourself. She’s your wife, not a little girl. Tell her she doesn’t need to go to the counselor. Go by yourself… and do it. If she asks you why… be vague and hint… (You’ve been thinking.) Don’t tell her what you’ve been thinking. Tell her very little. Buy some new clothes. Start walking, etc. Be gentle and loving. She doesn’t matter now. You’re practicing. Do not confront or get angry over anything. Be a man. Now, Secretly buy Gary Smalley’s “If only he knew” Amazon $6 Do let her see it. Mail to alternate location. Do not tell her about it…. Ever. Read it as fast as you can. Link to comment
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