Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

[kamurj]

Hi Ray kay-

I have been so swamped with question, that I have just been answering in between many other things and hoping to get most of them, but probably will not be able to handle all of them.

However, I will answer yours.

 

It sounds like your situation could be one of those that involves timing and maturity. Things are good with you, but your bf (ex?) has issues that he needs to deal with or issues he fears he will have to face in the future, when everything is more complicated.

 

It sounds like you are both handling this as well as possible. I am concerned that you could get very hurt in the long run, but it could go either way. If you are OK with being a friend (at least for now) then that is probably the best route. Being together and sharing what you do, will only strenghten what you already have. It's ok to let him know you want more, but not to dwell on it, as you have already figured out.

 

You may need to establish a time frame for yourself (ie) how long do I wait? You may also need to set limits (ie) if we are friends, then no intimacy until he can make a commitment. It really comes down to what you both want and can handle and what is good for you as individuals (first), then as a couple.

 

There's a well known quote that fits nicely here:

 

If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

 

You sound like a great girl. Hang in there.

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

[Jyebo]

Hi Toni,

 

Is no contact the best option for getting back your ex, when the situation is like mine;

 

- Relationship feels like its routine and boring (mainly on her behalf)

- She doesn't really know what is wrong

- She doesn't know how to fix it

- She loves me, and enjoys my company

- She wants to sort herself out, yet doesn't really know what is wrong

- She is very stubbon

- She has made no real attempt to contact me (which hurts after a 2.5 yr relationship)

 

Thanks

 

Jyebo

[Spirits Away]

Toni,

This might not be related to relationship issue, but I've been bothered by these problems for awhile now and are in need of some suggestions

 

I've noticed that everyday I wake up, I feel a bit depressed... it's as if i'm conditioned that way after some sleeping time. I still remember when i was around 7-10, I was very passionate whenever I wake up. I would always do the kung-fu move that flips me up, and are generally cheerful for the entire day. I know this question is too general, but I couldn't identify where the problem is.

 

Second Question: from 11-18, I'm constantly depressed due to family problems (fights, divorce, threats, etc...) which eventually led to my school related issues... having to see principel for skipping and such. It did resolve in the end, and i'm trying to regain all that's lost inside myself. But I now developed this habit that often destorys what i could have gained. Whenever there are opportunities for friendship/relationship, I tend to back off and ignore them (There is something related to acceptance). They, in return, eventually do exactly the same back to me. I'm now 21 going through this behavior over and over again for the past decade, How can i break this pattern?? Also, is there a name for this behavior?

 

Thank you for your advice Toni

[fantasia2004]

hey toni,

 

is this normal ?

 

I finally once again spoke to my ex and confessed to him how I felt for trying to lure him into seeing me and apologizing last time for how I acted on the phone with him. He seemed calm and not angry anymore.

 

Forgiving , He knew why I wasa doing it and complainedthat I did not give him space , Finally he decided to meet up with me as of next week.

 

Here is the problem I am at the stage of eww! with him and I now find him repulsive as well as unattractive to me . More than ever.

 

I don't want to answer his question of invitation to see him next week.

 

yet it makes me wonder if he is doing this out of guilt or sympathy?

 

What should I do?

[kamurj]

Hi spirit's away-

 

As you describe yourself in your first paragraph- what I'm hearing is depression. It is probably something you have been carrying around for quite some time, but have never gotten help for. You mentioned skipping school and principals office- once upon a time. But it doesn't sound as though you got any counseling, which you should have been referred to.

 

Your family background lends itself to the creation of certain problems in a developing kid. Depression, low self-esteem, problems with intimacy and social withdrawl. It sounds like you have been suffering from these.

 

You are still very young and your life is just beginning, and can be so much better. You need help. If you are employed, you can use your health insurance to find a therapist in your area. If you are a student, start with the Student Health Center. If you don't have insurance, go to your local mental health center. There they have counselors who can help. There may be a wait and you may have to be persistent. It all depends on the area in which you live.

 

It's so sad to hear that you were such a happy kid who got hurt because the adults let you down. The good news is that you can change all that. The AA folks have a great expression that fits here:

"It's never too late to have a happy childhood" It's so true. The other good news is that you began life with a happy and positive temperment. This is probably the real you. You just need help in finding your way back.

Please don't wait. Get help. Let me know how it goes.

Toni C.

[sweetione]

Hi Toni,

 

In your opinion, what is the best way to try to get back together?

[nadia1]

I have been dating my ex girlfriend and I am feeling that she loves me but I don't feel she is in love with me and that is the reason I broke up with her in the first place. We both started dating other people after our first break up and the relationships did not work out. I am not sure how we ended up together again? But I know I love her very much but I don't want to get hurt again. Her ex girlfriend has been causing problems between us and telling our friends that my girl has been calling her. It seems to me that My girlfriend is still holding on to some strong feelings for her current ex. She say she is not and we have huge arguments over this. The other issue is that she acts like we are just friends out at the club and tells people that she has been spending time with me and taking it one day at a time and she tells me she doesn't want to commit but she doesn't want to date anyone else either? I am about fed up again! what should I do?

[lnxfrkk]

Hi Toni,

 

I'm going to keep this short.I was with my ex for 4 years.we started having problems the last 3 months we were together.Out of the blue she said that we are done and that I should forget about her and move on with my life.She's 21.I'm 25.It's been 7 months(4 months no contact).To this day still wondering what I did and why I can't get on with my life.

 

My friend's gf told me that when they hung out together,ex would tell her that she's looking for another guy and not to tell me.She has always been very immature.What is your advice on moving on and stop thinking about everything.Just racking my brain everyday.I feel that I'm not myself and that I'm living in a different world.i was on meds for 3 months for anxiety.Everything hit me all at once.ex gone,moving out;living alone,job sucks.Is it normal to feel not myself and feeling down everyday.

 

Thanks Toni

[Mr Mister1]

I hope I'm not too late for advice.

 

I know bits and pieces of my situation have been posted around this forum but I'll try sum it up.

 

The girl I was (and still am) madly in love with moved to my city to be with me but then disapeared for a month later saying because she didn't think was willing to make any sarifices and she didnt feel I cared about her. Not long after this she got involved with someone who really didnt care about her and treated her like an object to use when it suited him.

 

I have since made some rather massive sacrifices for her that allowed her to stay at University when she would have otherwise had to drop out, but for some reason her messages are rather inconsistant. She often says how she'd like to meet up and do things and recently wanted to sleep over at my house. But always pulls out at the last minute. Furthermore I also briefly got involved with someone else which was a massive mistake because I was still in love with her and I discontinued this involvement as soon as I realised it was a mistake. When she found out she got very angry at me for it. She's also gotten angry at me if she doesn't hear from me after a week or so. Not long ago she started asking me in an acusing fashion if I was seeing anyone else. It seems while she wont commit to coming back to me she'll drop hints that she's thinking about it and I am certain if I found someone else she'd get mad at me and possible stop talking to me.

 

Pretty much ALL my friends tell me to cut all ties with her that she's not worth it and I deserve better. But the thing is I stil love her and care deeply about her and I can't see that changing.

 

What's your advice Toni?

 

Thanks heaps!

[kamurj]

Hi Jyebo-

 

The no contact thing is a gray issue. You can't "work things out" when you have no contact.

 

However, your situation seems to be about your ex not knowing how she feels, what she wants, etc. thereforeeee, I'd say she has some work to do on herself and on her own. Or, she knows how she feels but isn't being straight with you. This can be either because she doesn't want to "hurt your feelings", or she wants you waiting in the wings if she needs someone out there who cares.

 

Either way it is, the bottom line- she hasn't tried to contact you. This non-verbal message is pretty loud and clear.

 

I would reccommend you start looking at your life (and future) as one without her in it. Get the support of friends. Set some new goals and get busy doing things to make your single life fuller and happier.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Fantasia-

I'm confused. You worked hard to get the contact going again.

It worked, at least in terms of him agreeing to a meeting.

Now, you are repulsed (more than ever?) by him?

 

You sound very ambivalent- at the least- about what you want and how you feel.

 

I strongly advise you to get some professional help to deal with your feelings towards relationships- that usually are rooted in your feelings about yourself.

 

You sound like you need this time to work on you before you will be ready for a relationship.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi sweetione-

 

Your question tells me nothing about your situation.

 

It all depends on your situatiuon. (ie) why you broke up, how you both feel about each other, was there a lot of conflict/problems during the relationship, is there another person involved now, etc.

 

I suggest you read through the other posts where you may find at least part of the answer you seek.

 

What always applies is honesty, no game playing and respect for what the other person says they feel and need.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Nadia l-

 

You only have control over what you decide you need to do for yourself in this situation.

 

You have apparently tried talking to her about this, and it ends in arguments. You are in one place, she is in another. Neither one of you seems to be moving in the direction of the other in order to reach an agreement.

 

Bottom line, figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't. Then decide for yourself what you must do. You can never make anyone change. You can only change yourself.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Inxfrkk-

 

Yes, it's normal to have the "blues" when you are disappointed with how your life is going. Just because you have no contact does not mean you are getting over her.

 

I suggest you get some counseling. You really need someone skilled and professional in your corner to help you sort out how you got here- and more importantly- how you can begin moving towards a life that feels right for you.

 

Understanding some important things about your past (and present) behavior and learning to set realistic and purposeful goals will help you to create the kind of life that brings on those feelings of excitement over facing the day ahead.

 

Don't put this off. Good luck,

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi MrMister-

 

From the surface, it appears that you are in a one-way kind of relationship- all give, no take. What's in it for you? Perhaps you have the need to be a rescuer, and this lady is a good, needy candidate.

 

You have made ( tremedous) sacrifice for her to remain at University. You are always there to support her and meet all her (selfish) needs.

She doesn't "want" you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. It seems that she wants you available to her when she needs it.

 

My advice- step back and spend some time (before dating anyone!) figuring out what it is that attracted you to her. Work on yourself. Look at your own needs. Are there things in YOUR life that you are not attending to? Probably. Focus on this.

 

Once you really understand yourself better and can recognize you have needs and you matter too, you will make better choices.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[sweetione]

Hi Toni,

 

I didn't write down my situation because I am having a hard time understanding it myself.

 

I dated my ex for 1 year. We never fought or argued. There wasn't anyone else. As I see it, we had a great relationship. The only problem I believe existed was that he had fears of commitment, due to previously being married. I met him 10 months after their breakup.

He had told me during our breakup that he couldn't be in a serious relationship. He wanted to be free to date since he feels he went into one serious relationship into another one. He told me that he still loves me but not as much as he did when we first dated. But it was nothing I did or didn't do.

 

I have not had any contact with him in 6 weeks now. I believe the time and space is good for both of us. I just want to know how to proceed to get him back. Some people say don't contact him at all, wait to see if he contacts me. Others say to contact him after 1-2 months, without any pressure and to take it slowly as friends. What do you think????

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[surferboy]

I tryed desperately to get back with my ex, and reading this site it sems I did all the wrong things. Know she doesn't speak to me at all.

 

As things stand she doesn't want to go down "that road" because she was so hurt in the past when I decided it wasn't working.

 

We were together for less than a year when she fell pregnant, but everyone including her was over the moon. Except me, I had just moved to the city previously to start studying. Escaping a six year relationship which really messed me up. We had two children, but were never in love, just there for the kids whom I love very much.

 

So when the girl I was seeing fell pregnant (but because of what i'd been through in the past) I got really scared and we split up. She loved me to bits and for months after I buried my head in the books, we stayed friends but all the time she wanted me back.

 

After Sophies birth my veiws changed. I realised how much I loved them both but how could it work? it was just history repeating itself (well thats what i had convinced myself).

 

Anyway four months ago things changed and my life fell to pieces.

 

My ex moved away with my two kids and her new man, since then they have cut all contact and I have no way of getting in touch. This hurt bad, but it made me sit up and take notice of what I was throwing away with lana.

 

I realised that all the dreams I had for when i finished uni were worthless without lana and sophie in my life so I thought some more and decided that it was really what i wanted.

 

Then i found out that she was seeing someone else, I fell apart and caused a few arguments, she split up with him and i took her to Prague for a few days break from sophie and work but it didn't have the desired effect.

 

We have always been friends and now because i've been pushing too hard and getting upset she doesn't want to see me anymore. We argue when were together and it just leads to us both getting upset.

 

I just don't understand how before she was ready to settledown with me forever. How can i get these feelings back. Just before I tryed again she had just moved into a new flat, become independent with herself and sophie and said she is just enoying life with the two of them.

 

She works really hard and I've nothing but respect for her, I totally understand how she feels, I just wish she would give me a chance know the fear has gone and i know what i want.

 

She has changed, some of the things she says when she is angry really hurt, she has toughened up and says she doesn't want a man in her life, but deep down i have to believe we can make it work somehow. No matter how long it takes, they are my life. I simply cannot see a future without them, or rather I don't want a future without them.

 

The thing is if it wasn't for sophie she would have no reason to speak to me at all and would just walk away. So if i look at it that way, i don't see us getting back together, but we belong together, when we were together it was so good, i just wish i hadn't compared the relationship with the last one. But i cannot blame myself too much for that as like i said it really screwed me up (to the point of trying suicide). so maybe you guys can understand why i had the fear.

 

I cannot let this destroy my life and if there is the faintest hope of me getting the family i should have back, tell me how. She says too much has happened between us in the last year, I wasn't there for her as much as i should have been, she dosn't love me anymore and sll the usual. The problem is i'm not just working against her feelings at the moment, but that of all her friends who see her all the time and are always at her house. I don't grudge this as they are good friends and really important. But she believes everyone but me......

 

Anyway i've screwed up again, this time i can't see any way back. At the moment i'm just waiting for the day she starts seeing someone else. I know this is going to tear me apart. I'm trying the no contact stuff but its not working as i miss sophie so much, and it's so hard to not phone just to hear lanas voice, it always makes me feel better.

 

I've turned into the wuss all the articles tell me not to be, but its not easy when i see them, if we start arguing we both get upset and it hurts so much because i cannot understand why, i don't want to upset her and this just makes things worse. Sorry for rabbitting on.

[chai714]

Hi Toni,

I wanted your opinion on my situation, because you are a professional. I'm 26, my ex is 23. We were together for 5 years - without any breakups. After a 7 day trip to Hawaii, she came back and told me that she "wasn't in love" with me anymore. I became devastated, because it seemed as if there were not any problems in our relationship that we could not overcome together. Furthermore, she tells me that she "loves me" but is not "in love" with me on the phone. Because our relationship was based on such a strong friendship, I can't help but believe that there could still be a future for us. Neither of us has bad feelings for the other person, which makes it an even more difficult situation for me to face. What, if anything, can I do (either now or in the future) to help her be "in love" with me again?

[Mr Mister1]

Thanks a lot Toni!

 

I know what attracted me to her.. sort of. Before she made the physical move here things between her and I were perfect, we NEVER argued.

 

Actually after less than a week of meeting we both felt a strong attraction to the other despite not knowing why. After that, we found we had a lot in common and could relate to each other in ways that no one else could. So we became extremly close because we could talk about anything to each other. As I said, it wasn't until she actually moved states that things went pear shaped!

 

You're pretty much spot on with everything though!

[Hallie]

Hi Toni,

I need some advice, my stories a little long.

My ex and I had been together for 5 years when he broke it off a week and a half ago stating that he doesn't know what love is, that he doesn't know if he has feelings and needs space and doesn't want the stress of a relationship. We had only had a handful of fights in our 5 years together, we were best friends and there was a lot of love between us. A month ago now he told me almost the same thing and broke things off, he needed space because he wasn't sure how he felt. A few days later he called me and wanted to see me. He told me he had made a mistake and that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he wanted to marry me but didn't want to get engaged just yet because he didn't have a ring. I forgave him and I thought everything was good, he had just made me the happiest girl in the world but now he's pushed me away again.

 

I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes and I've tried telling him to trust his feelings but he won't. After we broke up he was calling me every day because he was worried about me. I told him to stop because he wasn't taking any time to think for himself because he was constantly worried about me. I finally saw him a few days ago when I went to pick up some of my things; he couldn't look into my eyes; he said it hurt too much. He says he wants to be friends and doesn't want to lose me from his life but I can't be just friends. When I saw him he put his arm around me to comfort me and he grabbed my hand and held it.

 

I feel like some of his problems are from his parents. His parents split by the time he was 12 but they didn't have a good relationship for years before that. His dad wasn't the greatest dad; his mom states that she was both the mom and the dad. After his parents split his mom had one bad relationship after another throughout his teen years, a few of them were abusive ones. It seemed a lot of these men moved into their home, thereforeeee exposing him to his mother's relationships. He and his mother also don't get along the greatest. They have major fights over stupid things and it upsets him very much. The thing is he still lives with her, he's been stuck taking care of her for the past number of years (he's 27 now). They co-own their house but it wasn't his choice. His father borrowed a lot of money off of him when he was still a young teen and couldn't afford to pay it back so he signed over his half of the house since he was still part owner. His mother can't afford to buy him out or even to pay the mortgage so he's been paying it off. I've been patiently waiting for them to sell it so we can get our own house but she is so dependant on him, she talks like she will be living there for years to come.

 

I've tried suggesting to him that he needs to sell the house. He says he wants his freedom but I don't see how he's going to get that by pushing me away since I'm not the one who's crowding him. I told him his mother can't expect him to live there forever; she should have been planning for this years ago. I've also suggested that maybe he should talk to someone to help sort out his feelings but he doesn't seem too interested.

 

Do you think that he has commitment issues because of his family situation growing up? What can I do to help him? To help him realize his true feelings for me? A couple people have suggested to me that I just forget about him and move on but I love him so much. I know things could work between us; this is just killing me inside.

[kamurj]

Hi Sweetione-

 

The bottom line here is that your ex has said very clearly that he isn't ready. I'm not sure what HE needs to be ready. It could be he has issues to work through and needs time, healing and more maturity. It's also possible that as much as he cares for you, this relationship may not feel like "the one" for him.

 

Give him time. You can let him know you still care and are out there... But this will not be the case forever. So, set a time frame for yourself- (ie) how long you want to wait. In the meantime, do your own healing and focus on your own goals, needs. This should keep you busy in the right way.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi surferboy-

 

You have much to cope with. How sad for you and your children. My advice: work on yourself. I suspect you were too young and involved in your own growth and goals (a good thing) and got thrust into parenthood before you were ready.

 

So, pursue those goals, get yourself mentally, financially, physically in good shape. Then you will be ready to really parent. In the meantime, try to be available to your children, as they need support and caring now.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[Alec]

Hey just got a question,

 

I've been broken up with my ex for about 2 months now. For 2 weeks I egged it on etc... until I crashed and burned. (she broke up with me and I kept in contact etc...) Anyways we finally 2 weeks ago talked about what went wrong. Basically she never told me that talking about her family problems bothered her (i just wanted to do what I could to help her ex. talk about things) and that I basically smothered her. Which i'm not that kind of person this was simply accidental, the relationship seemed perfectly fine but now looking back she just never told me something was wrong. From this mis-communication there was about 3 weeks of just pure drama. Right now we're kinda iffy, she is dating someone she probably will not last with and i'm doing my best to move on. There will be about a month's spacing between the talk with her and the next time i see her (start of school).

 

Ok, so basically what I want to know is this. What is the best way to re-initiate a friendship. Her birthday is in a month I was going to send a card, or should I just simply start maybe saying "hi" in the hallway?

[DavidBB78]

Hi Toni,

 

It's real great that you've spent your time answering all these questions about situations of people with relationship and break up difficulties. I just found out about it today and I hope you may find the time to help me.

 

My partner left me abouyt 3 months ago, saying she couldn't handle being in a relationship any longer (a case of the flight syndrome as soon as things become stable). Her background in a nutshell - dysfunctional family, depressed mother with a number of nervous breakdown. Always had to rely on herself has been let down in past relationships and never had (her words) someone as supportive, understanding and caring. She broke up saying she was no longer in love and gravitated towards a guy she'd met once before who is living in another country. They met while we were going out, never said much to each other at the time, but then he started sending her txt messages and letters - to cut a long story short. She booked a holiday to Italy to see a friend of this guys 3 weeks before breaking up with me - she saw him while there and now she says she's in love with him and he's coming to visit her in october.

 

My question is: is this guy a fantasy? Is she using the fact that he lives in another country as a way to feel she doesn't have to make the effort?

 

and secondly: considering I was the most supportive person ever in her life and never ever let her down (walked in egg-shells to make her feel at ease) why would she go for someone else? She said she'd never been so in love with somebody as she was with me. Do you think she may in a few months try rekindling the relationship? She still keeps in touch and is very sorry and apologetic for what she's done to me.

 

I've had a lot of support from people in this forum, who have lived similar experiences, but I wanted the expert advice on this.

 

Thank you very much and thanks for making yourself available to so many heart-broken and suffering individuals.

 

David

[HummingBird]

Toni,

 

Thank you for replying my last post about how to get my ex to open up and talk about the reasons behind our break up. You advice worked and I got him to really share his thoughts and feelings for the first time. After our "final closure" conversation, I finally realized the fundamental problem in our relationship is that we hold different views and perspectives on a lot of things. For example, I have 3 dogs but he could never bring himself to warm up with dogs let alone living with them. He also thinks he doesn't have the "emotional strength" to provide the kind of emotional support I deserve. He admits that he's always had problems of being supportive and has been accused of being cold in his past relationships. But he doesn't understand why I feel the certain way in certain situation. For instance, he doesn't understand why I could get so upset after getting turned down a few job offers. Our relationship was serious and we both wanted it to work. But beacuase of all these differences, we don't see a future together and we painfully accepted the break up.

 

Toni, now I'm in a state of deep confusion. I'm haunted by the idea that I may have unrealistic expectations in a relationship. Isn't caring and being supportive for each other essential in a relationship? During the 9 months we were together he never phoned me just to talk. I don't need constant attention from him so I accepted that and never asked him to do so. I just wanted him to lend a shoulder to cry on during my bad times. But I didn't get that from him either. He believes in staying logical and expects the same from me. I only had one emotional break down (ie. crying) in front of him and he still thinks I'm not emotional strong enough for him. I believe I'm a strong woman, but I also have vulnerable moments and would like my bf show some supports during those times. Am I expecting too much? If there are some problems I have I'd like to work on myself. I'll really appreciate you advice. I'm so confused.