Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

[kamurj]

Hello Chai-

 

Boy, that's tough. A nice vacation that concludes with your gf telling you she loves you, but is not in love with you.

 

This appears to be one of those heartbreaking situations in which one person in the relationship decides they don't want to take the next step- go on to the next stage.

 

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do but decide what you need to do for you- as an individual. If being friends is too hard, you will need to distance yourself. If you continue to hold onto hope, you cannot grieve, heal and move on to a relationship where you both want the same thing.

 

I'm sorry. Good luck,

Toni C.

[Vert]

Toni,

I've been reading all of the responses to the others questions, and I feel that it helped me immensely. Here is my question though:

 

My gf and I dated for two years (last week was our 2-yr anniv), and we were both our firsts -- love, relationships, intimacy, etc. Last year I went to work and live in California for an internship while she was in Florida, and we had a few rough patches with communication. After I returned, things were great again as we were in college together so we could see each other daily. Earlier this year I discussed marriage with her and she completely flipped out (for the lack of a better phrase) saying she wasn't ready for that. All this time she kept telling what kind of ring she wants, what her kids names would be, etc. Anyway, this past summer she came out to live and work with me while I was in California on another work-study. We had a great time together, and I asked her to marry me at the end of the summer. She pulled back, said she wasn't sure, and then gave the ring back to me.

 

Now she's flying to France for a vacation with a girlfriend, and I'm contemplating moving out-of-state to find a job. She said that she "doesn't see a future" but wants to have the trip to France to think about it. She has one more year of school left and I'm possibly moving to another state. What should I do? I already told her that if she says no to being with me for good, then I have to cut all contact and never see her again. Is that the right path? What should I do?

 

Let me also add that she is a child of a divorced father, but he was divorced and remarried to her current mother (she was his second marriage). For this reason, she has stated that she has often wondered if your first love is the right one. Would this also have anything to do with it?

[kamurj]

Hi Hallie-

 

Yes, I think he must have a lot of unresolved "stuff" that relates to the way he grew up. What a mess parents make sometimes. They don't handle their own lives well due to so many reasons- and an impressionable, unformed child can take the brunt of that.

 

You can't fix this for him. You can tell him that you support him doing what he needs to do for himself- this is a truly great act of love- to put the other person's needs before your feelings (wanting him back).

 

He needs to get this thing with his mother sorted out. He probably feels very responsible for her and can't handle the healthy seperation that all young adults MUST GO THROUGH before they are ready for an intimate, commited relationship.

 

It's ok to suggest he get help with this, and again, to support him in getting his stuff taken care of. Whether you will still be there if and when he does is up to you.

 

I know this is very hard and will take a lot of maturity and sacrifice on your part. But, this guy is not ready- he's right about that.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Alec-

 

If she never told you what the problem was, you had no chance to address it. So, the fault lies partly with her.

 

In terms of how to approach her... Be yourself, say hi, ask her how she is doing, don't ask for anything. In other words, throw the ball in her court. If she wants more contact, sh will let you know.

 

good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi lonely angel-

 

I don't know your age, but suspect you are pretty young and not too experienced. This in and of itself can cause some of the difficulity you are

describing. Yes, your self-esteem is shaky, at least in this area. However, depending on your experience and age, you may also have a valid concern that he is saying and doing everything possible in order to take advantage of you- this is a possibility, especially for teenagers.

 

Decide what YOU are comfortable with. Go slow. Take your time getting to know each other. You will gain some experience in being in a relationship, which is always valuable.

 

If you stay true to yourself, know your boundaries and communicate these, things will be ok for you in the long run. A guy who really cares will be there for some time and respect your need to take it slow.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi David-

 

You are welcome!

 

I think you hit at least one nail right on the head at the beginning of your post. She comes from such a dysfunctional background, that she has always had to rely on herself. Trust must be an issue for her. People who come from chaos may be addicted to it- after all it's familiar. There is also a tendency for many people like your ex to seek out chaos in their lives/relationships. There is an unconscious drive to resolve what never was resolved in their past. When the relationship/enviornment is stable, they feel restless, empty and go in search of trouble. She appears to fit this. I can't know for sure- not having spoken to her...

 

My question of you, which I asked at least one other person earlier- Are you the kind of guy who is attracted to women he needs to "walk on eggshells with"? If so, I advise you to address this now, before you begin dating again.

 

Your ex needs to do a lot of work on herself before she gets involved in any relationship. If not, they will all go the way of this one, or worse, and she will end up bitter and alone. Kind of ironic, isn't it? She has always been alone, desires intimacy, then drives away the person (s), who offers support and caring.

 

Suggest to her that she get the help and support she needs. Then focus on you. Then go out and find a woman who can be a true partner.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi hummingbird-

 

What you are describing is your need for true intimacy. In a nushell, this is about your ability to be open and vulnerable with someone, knowing it is "safe" to do so.

 

You two may have indeed uncovered a real area of incompatability. You want more intimacy then he does. You need and expect what he can't even relate to.

 

Break-ups are painful, but is is much easier to find out now than years from now when you have just lost a child, gotten a life-threatening illness, etc. and he just can't be there for you.

 

Unless you are a needy, weepy, clingy, insecure person, you probably have no serious issues in this area that are creating this kind of relationship problem. Assess that issue for yourself by taking inventory of your behavior. Ask friends and people you can trust to be honest with you. If there is something there- address it. Otherwise, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it".

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Vert-

 

You were each other's firsts. That's big and hard to recover from.

Her background may play a significant role, or it may not. Hard to say.

What you do know is that she is just not ready/willing to go the next step with you.

 

You had a good relationship, and it may have had a convience factor to it- for some time. Now that you want more, she is forced to really examine how she feels and what should be her next step. She has decided against marriage to you- at least for now.

 

Relationships have stages. You two moved through a few, but got stuck before the commitment- because she was not ready.

 

Do what YOU need to do for you. If no contact is what you need, then this is best.

 

If you haven't read the article I recommended before, check it out. It talks about relationship stages:

link removed

 

Good luck,

Toni C.

[kipster]

Sorry, the case has been rectified.

 

Kip

[want her back]

Dear Toni,

I'm in love with a girl that I dated for 6.5 years. We talked about our future together, shared all our dreams. But I think she got tired of waiting, so she asked for a break about 2 months ago. Since then we continue to talk and I'm in the toughest position I've ever been in.

 

I neglected her feelings in teh past, and she had her heart broken by me time and time again when I never bought her a ring. She left me, and now my feelings are 10 fold stronger than ever. (I didn't realize what I had until it was gone)

 

So as evident by my screen name, I want her back. She knows this too. I express my inner most feelings to her time and time again, sometimes it flatters her, others it makes her mad ("where was this when we were together"). I'm sort of pushing her to take me back, telling her over and over I will change let me prove it etc. etc. But she wont budge, she is afraid it will go back to the way it was. For the past week, I have written her a love poem each day and she reads them and tells me she really likes them. I have vowed to her that I will write one everyday for her. She gives me mixed signals, on the phone she invites me over, I get the impression she is willing to work on us, I get over there and she acts weird. She doesn't know what she wants. I do know she still cares about me, in fact I know she still loves me. But still isn't sure about what she wants.

 

So how do I prove to her I am willing to change? I have thought about just asking her for marriage, but in passing discussing that with her she has said things like how could she be happy in a marriage knowing it had to come to her leaving me before I finally bought her the ring. So then how do I prove to her my love, how do I win her back?

 

She has built up a wall around her self. When asked if she wants to see someone else, I know she still has very strong feelings for me, but is afraid I'll return to the old me. When asked about someone else, she said if she wanted to be with someone else she would cut me out of her life completely. She is not treating me fairly (then again, I'm not treating her fairly by pushing her into a relationship)

 

I'm trying be patient and let her come back to me, but how is she going to come back to me when she doesn't know my feelings and only thinks back to my neglecting her.

 

Do I stop pursuing her? Do I continue to get strung along like this and pouring my heart out to her? How do I prove to her I can change? How do I win her back?

[Vert]

Toni,

Thanks for the link. It does help and shed light on a few things.

 

I'm worried mainly about whether or not it's worth my time and heartache to wait for her to come back. I can basically leave now (my friends are calling me and telling me they will give me a room if I want to come) but that would mean it's completely over. I know it's best if I end it, but she was so wishy-washy with her "uncertain future" response that I want to stay and give it my best shot for when she returns.

 

What I'm wondering is whether or not she will ever be ready and she can't give a definite, obviously. I almost would rather move on, join my friends, look for a new job, and try to forget her. Like you said though, she was my first (in everything....) and I was hers so it makes this twice as tough for us.

 

She also says that it was nothing I did to make this decision happen, but that's obviously an excuse as SOMETHING made this happen. She won't give reasons, but I know there are some. How do I find out and should I even try? I just want closure and I'm trying not to call her when she returns from France, but I have a feeling she won't call me back until it's too late and I'm gone. What should I do?

[kamurj]

Hi wants her back-

 

After all those years with someone who was not ready to commit, it's understandable that she is frightened and probably unsure of what to believe.

 

My advice, be patient. Show you are sincere by validating her feelings (ie), I can understand why you feel this way. I realize I play a very large role in where we are now. What do YOU need right now?

 

Then, be the caring, thoughtful guy that she would feel safe with. Trust has to be earned, and it takes time. Don't think about how you feel and what you want. Follow her lead. It may be too late, it may not be.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi again Vert-

 

I think she may be telling the truth, that nothing really happened. Nothing meaning the bells, fireworks, other feelings she believes she needs to feel, just aren't there now.

 

I think starting over may be very good for you. You can let her know where you are, but move on. If she's interested, she will contact you. But beware. You may be a safety net for her, and you want more.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[lnxfrkk]

Hi Toni,

 

thanks for your reply,but my main question is when your ex breaks up with you and tells you to move on and forget about them,are they trying to tell you that you don't deserve them or are they just trying to make it easier on themselves?

 

Thanks

[sweetheart_2006]

Me and my ex have been broke up for about 3 months now. I want him back so bad. I have messed up a few times and all, but i wanna fix it. I just want one more chance. We were talking about gettin back together before we had our last fight(which was bout a week ago). He said he was through with me and all this stupid stuff.

 

What can I do to prove to him I really love him and care for him. I want to be with him more than ANYTHING in the world. I'd give up anything for him. What is something i can do to prove this to him that will make him realize what he is missing and how much I really really do care?

[fantasia2004]

Hi Fantasia-

I'm confused. You worked hard to get the contact going again.

It worked, at least in terms of him agreeing to a meeting.

Now, you are repulsed (more than ever?) by him?

 

You sound very ambivalent- at the least- about what you want and how you feel.

 

I strongly advise you to get some professional help to deal with your feelings towards relationships- that usually are rooted in your feelings about yourself.

You sound like you need this time to work on you before you will be ready for a relationship.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

 

 

Dear Toni,

 

He is involved with someone else and I AM unsure how he feels about me at this time is he doing it because he feels bad for me and how we broke up. Or is it because he really wants to put the past behind and start over.?

[bubspsu]

Toni,

Everything seemed right. We dated for 7 years. A really long time but we started out young and wanted to wait tell we got older before marriage was the answer. Got Engaged about a year ago and then 2 months before the wedding (this september) she tells me she does not have the passion to be with me like a person should and that getting married now is not the right thing to do. She gave me the "needs her space line" and the "I want to see other people so I don't have to regret looking back line". Her parents had a messy divorce when we were early on in our relationship. I think I was 18 and she was 20. Now 25 and 27. To me I felt like she waited so long to tell me because she is afraid of comittment and perhaps has a commitment phobe. What's your thoughts? Do you think her parents relationship affected ours? She currently has just started seeing a therapist to try and work out her "issues". Just curious what you thought why she is doing this? None of her reasons seem to make sense.

I know breaking up and not getting married to her is the right thing to do. We have both mentioned that once her issues are figured out that we would maybe give it another shot? What's your thoughts on that?

[ShamrockLover]

Hey Toni,

I am going to keep this part short. I have a million questions to ask though but this one is perplexing me. Literally a week before my exgf dumped me I had purchased tickets for us to go to phish's last ever concert. It is a five day festival that involves camping out in a field with over 80 thousand other people. So after several weeks of NC with the ex she contacts me and what not. I tell her about phish once again ( right after she dumped me i told her about the surprise tickets that were meant to be for our august 1st anniversary) and then ask what the deal is. She replies with "i figured that you did not want to bring me" ( this is because i saw her at a show shortly after the break up with another guy) she told me the ball was in my court on this one... i said it was actually in hers..can you deal with five days of camping with me I said. She said yes, and that it would be good because we know everything about each other. How should i approach all of this... I wanna get her back so bad, i miss her, i have reflected on the ups and downs of our relationship greatly. I actually brought this girl to Antigua for spring break this past march after only six months together. I love her. I guess I just need to know what some of the do's and don't's of the phish concert will be... should i keep the nc going on till the show... It is funny cause as soon as i stoped trying to contact her, it only took a coulple of weeks for her to consistently try to contact me, either via email or phone.

[stewwwart]

This past week my gf broke things off between us and for the past couple of weeks i could feel the axe coming down. Things got to the point where everything i said or did was held under a microscope. What was bothering her, for how long i do not know, but at least for the last month was the fact that i wouldn't pay attention or would forget things that we'd talk about and she would get frustrated having to repeat herself. I'm with her on this, because i'd be the same way somewhat. I believe that her frustration began some time ago and just got to the point of, again, everything i said or did was held under a microscope. I asked one of my friends about this and after a long talk decided that this could be some type of add. Because that i had talked about this with one of our friends it had turned into the last straw that led to the break-up because early in the relationship i would confide in one of our other friends about things between us and that nearly broke us up then. But this time i thought it was a lost cause because for the last couple of weeks i felt the "axe" and was getting the cold shoulder so i saw it coming and couldn't stop it! A little bit about my gf, she can be stubborn, head strong controlling and wants things her way. On the other side of the coin, she's intelligent, whitty, fun and the life of the party.

 

Maybe because of the fact that i'd have a hard time paying attention to her she felt that i couldn't keep up with her which leads this to the next part of me thinking there is someone else that she has in mind. This other person is a friend of ours that i used to work with and she works with now, ( it's a resturant ), and i believe that she has had him in the back of her mind for some time. Just a feeling that i would get from things she would say or the fact that she looked at him in a certian way. Now, here comes the kicker, last week everyone found out that this friend and his gf were pretty close to breaking up. So, now i feel like i have to stand here and watch this thing unfold in front of my eyes and feel like there's nothing that i can do about it. I know that she likes this guy because who wouldn't, he's good looking, funny, in great shape and a nice guy. My question is how do i even begin thinking about what to do to get her back when what has happened between us and that she now see an open window of opportunity with this guy? I love this girl and want her back, but how?

[mahlina]

Hi Toni,

 

In response to your post to David, I wanted to know what's the best approach for a person growing up in a dysfunctional environment? What can I do to resolve my trust issues?

 

I encountered traumatic experiences as a child. Some that lead to domestic violence/abuse. (I don't feel comfortable with sharing the full extent of it to the public. Looking back, I consider those incidents as 'child endangerment'. I don't like to talk about it because it's almost like taboo. I grew up in a dysfunctional evironment. My parents were immigrants, who worked mostly double shifts. I was often home alone. We barely had time to spend with each other. When we did, I didn't want to make our situation worse by bothering them with what happened to me. I had to grow up at an early age. I bottled things up for a long time. I never told anyone about those incidents up until a long time ago, a few years back, when I was 16.)

 

What I experienced as a kid was consistent and traumatic enough, that I still periodically feel those same feelings again in my adult life. On the outside, I am like any other happy and normal person. But on the inside, I still face those feelings of anxiety, remnants from the past, and carry it onto my relationships with the oppossite sex. thereforeeee, I naturally have 'trust' issues. It disgusts me, how people can be so sick sometimes. Often, like you mentioned, I subconsciously seek out people and unhealthy relationships that resemble much of my past. When I do have a 'healthy' relationship, I tend to push it away because the feelings that I get from it are so foreign to me. It's as if I'm conditioned to expect to feel that consistent pain and hurt again, over and over. I don't want to, but I just do.

 

The best thing that I've done so far is to seek 2 sessions of counseling from school, and bought books that helped me to heal. I'm also finding that Tibetan philosphy books help as well. I'm really trying to make sense of all of this, trying to improve, and avoiding those types of relationships (which seems almost inevitable). No matter what, those feelings won't go away. The memories are haunting, especially whenever I get into a 'new' realtionships. But it's not my fault. I was a kid stuck in situations that I didn't ask for, due to circumstances that were out of my control.

 

I feel like these issues are deeply ingrained, and find that it's so hard to completely sever away from my life. I think that I'm about 85-90% healed, but it often fluctuates. What can I do to improve on myself and my future relationships? It just feels as though things are too late, and I'll end like what you described in David's response. It's tough. I don't know what else I can do. Thank you for reading my message.

 

Sincerily,

Mahlina

[cassiana]

On our second date my boyfriend told me that he contracted M.E straight after college. He had been unable, to work, even watch television properly for two years and there was alot of ignorance about the illness. In the 6 yrs since he started to recover he has gone back working and about two years went back to law but of course is way behind his peers. I met him last november after a girl dropped him after 3 weeks. He was very nervouse telling me about his illness but I really liked him and it didn't bother me. We had a great 3 months and then he dumped me very unexpectedly because his final law exams were coming up and he couldn't cope. He didn't admit that to me and was uncharecteristically cold when he dumped me.I gave as good as I got and walked out on him with him after losing his cool composure and feeling pretty rotten.A mutual friend told me how difficult he found the exams and that he had had migraine the week before the breakup. My ex told her that he didn't mean to dump me but just to stpe back on reflect on the relationship. He said that he would contact me but only sent two jokey emails and a birhday card which I feel was planned by him to do his duty but also to send a message stay away. He didn't even but dear before my name. I didnt reply to any of these because I thought they were cold. He knew how hurt I was. I also knew that there was no point dealing with him while he was freaking out about that course. About a month later he told our mutual friend, when she asked him, that I hadn't replied to his card. It has been four months today since the break-up and I think his course is finishing next week.

Do you think I did the right thing?

Do you think he will contact me?

Would he be pleased if I contacted him?

To what extent has M.E complicated things?

I was very sympathetic whilst he told me he had little sympathy for me when he dumped me. I thnk he is healthier than he thinks but babies himself too much and is full of self-pity. Has M.E madde him self-centred?

What should I do now?

Any advice would be great thanks.

[kamurj]

Hi Dan-

There is no way to know for sure. I think time and seeing how things play out after a break-up gives you some answer to this question.

 

The bottom line- If they break-up with you, it's over. Why is helpful, but doesn't change to sad fact that it's done.

 

Hope this answers your question,

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi sweetheart-

 

You sound very young. Feelings are so intense in those first years of relationships- and yours clearly are.

 

You say you care so much you would do anything for him. Would you put his needs before your own and tell him you want him to do what HE needs to- for himself?

 

For if you honestly cannot do this, then you will never convince him that you care about his happiness most of all.

 

It could be over either way, but true mature love makes sacrifices for the other- healthy sacrifices.

 

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi again Fantasia-

 

There is only one way to know a person's feelings. They need to share these with you.

 

You could ask him if you can discuss some "loose ends" for you and ask him this.

 

Otherwise, time may give you more of the answer, but the real truth can only come from him.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi bubspsu-

 

Sounds like your first real love...

 

My gut tells me you are both nice, fairly mature people. Your relationship seemed to be sailing along, then this.

 

Her parents divorce no doubt left some scars. However, she may not be ready to marry her first serious boyfriend. She may really need to be on her own for a time and sort all this out.

 

She is seeking help, you are being supportive. Apparently, you both handle difficult things well. Several scenarios are possible. She may go into counseling, get some insight and help, and decide you are not her Mr. Right. She may get the help and realize the problems had to do with her background and related commitment-phobia and that your really are "Prince Charming".

 

You have to decide how long you can wait and what you need for yourself while she is figuring this all out.

 

Hope this helps, Toni C.