Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

[kamurj]

Hi ShamrockLover-

 

You sound like a bf who likes to surprise and please the woman you care about. How nice.

 

OK, it's "over", yet you had these tickets and she says the ball is in your court...

 

It's a "Woodstock wannabee" event- will be down and dirty in the mud with the masses. Quite a lot of time together and intimacy.

 

If your feelings can handle this time (knowing it could be your last), you could use some of it to talk about what went wrong. What else is there to do in a tent??? Clearly, there is a disconnect somewhere between the two of you and things haven't been discussed.

 

I also thought your comment about nc leading to her contacting you was interesting. Beware of those games- everyone loses.

 

If you go, talk. be honest, sincere and ask her to do the same. After a serious relationship ends, it's the least someone can do.

 

Hope this helps, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Emmy-

 

You gave a lot of detail, so I'm going to try to boil this down to its essense.

There is a big age difference. There is also a big experience difference. In a way, you two are in different places in your lives. I also think it's significant that he has already been divorced twice. He does not have a history of being able to work things out, and may in fact, cut and run when they get uncomfortable. Which is what he is doing here. He likes you and the relationship, but when things get more "complicated" (ie) you asking for affection, communication- he wants to take his toys and go home.

 

He has TOLD you that he is not good and expressing feelings, showing affection, etc. He does know something about himself. It appears that he only wants a relationship that is easy- no work or bumps. There is no such thing.

 

The problem seems to lie with him. He has trouble being truly intimate- that is why he "nit picks". It's just not his thing to put up with anything he doesn't like. A VERY bad bet for a relationship.

 

You are VERY young. You have a whole future ahead. Examine what it is that attracted you to him. Figure out if your attractions are healthy. Give yourself time and space to grieve, get perspective and move on.

 

He probably will want to continue seeing you for the fun and sex. But he appears to not be interested in anything that is truly real.

 

Hope this helps, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Stewwwart-

 

Things have been shaky for a while- you felt the ax poised. Did you attempt to discuss it with her then, or just hope if you ignored the problem/feelings, they would go away? I ask this because denial is a defense mechanism employed by many guys.

 

Basically, what you are saying is that she has decided you can't/won't give her what she needs from a relationship. Her feelings have grown cold, and now she has her sights on someone else.

 

This other guy is not the issue. It's about what wasn't working between you and your ex.

 

It's possible you can "win her back", but not likely. Also, if you can't really be you in a relationship, and don't want what she wants in the long run- why bother?

 

Focus on you and your behavior towards her when you were together. Where did you go wrong- (ie) ignoring her, not listening to what she was trying to tell you, etc). Then think about why you behaved this way.

I reccommend you get a better handle on yourself, your relationship readiness and what kind of person you seek.

 

You can tell her you're sorry. You can let her know you are trying to do some work on you. But, if she has moved on, you will have to accept this and do the same.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[martyj]

Hi Toni C,

 

i will try to keep this relatively short as possible.

 

i met my ex 3 years ago and we were great for a year and then she went back to her ex fiance. After 5 months she came back and we went back for 3 months then she left again. I didnt see her for 7 months then suddenly she appears out of the blue saying she wants to marry me.

 

Well anyway at Christmas she left me and until the middle of April she kept saying how she missed me and she wanted me to wait for her and then out of the blue she said had had a new boyfriend for a while. this has really dragged me down for so long and i wonder is it me that needs to take alook at myself as to why i would let someone treat me so poorly.

 

My ex does come from a famiyl where both parents have been married 3 times each and she seems to be followinbg some unhelathy road.

 

i saw her on Sunday and her comment about my new girlfriend who is really just a friend was that she was 'chunky' meaning obese which is nowhere near the truth

 

I know that the best thing to do is forget her but she has left me with deep scars what would you advise me to do?

 

Thanks

MartyJ

[Vert]

Hi again Vert-

 

I think she may be telling the truth, that nothing really happened. Nothing meaning the bells, fireworks, other feelings she believes she needs to feel, just aren't there now.

 

I think starting over may be very good for you. You can let her know where you are, but move on. If she's interested, she will contact you. But beware. You may be a safety net for her, and you want more.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

 

Thanks again Toni, but I have another question....

 

She called me before she left for France and I could tell her voice was cracking since she was trying not to cry at the airplane. It was nothing more than a "I miss you" and "I wanted to let you know I'm leaving now but I haven't decided on us yet" call. We did say that one phrase at the end though that I'm wondering whether or not it's good to say right now for us -- "I love you." Should I still say that or even her say it? I don't want to get dragged back into something that might not be, but at the same time I don't want to alienate her by acting as if I don't love her anymore.

 

My friends (that I'd move in with in Texas) tell me I should just leave and start new. On the other hand, I have others like family members and friends here in town that say I should wait for her and give it one last 110% shot for when she returns. I'm so confused right now, and I can't stand to lose her. Lastly, I did talk 1-on-1 with a good friend of mine last night. She is very attractive and single, and I felt almost at odds with myself -- I felt bad because I would never do this when I was with my gf and yet I felt good because I was having a deep conversation with a beautiful girl (gives me hope).

[kamurj]

Hi Mahlina

 

Your picture shows a darling girl with a beautiful smile- "laughing on the outside, crying on the inside".

 

What you went through was DEFINITELY not your fault. You were the victim. For years I worked with adults who had gone through and survived childhood abuse/neglect. You didn't have to describe it- I know what you are talking about.

 

You appear to be highly motivated to take charge of your life and move past this. Know the good news? You are true "survivor" material.

 

You began on the right track, but haven't gone far enough. You had two sessions of counseling at school. School counseling centers are great resources for therapy. You need to continue this. You need support, validation and a safe place to really look at this stuff, come to an acceptance (not something that will ever be a- this was ok thing) of what happened and get the professional help to detach and move on.

 

This is a process. It takes time- not forever- just time. You can't ignore it or pretend it will go away. No even the most beautiful smile in the world can mask your feelings from yourself.

 

My gut sense is that you are going to move past this to go on to a wondeful life. Begin now, don't wait. A new life is out there, one that is free of the pain you are holding on to now.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Cassiana-

 

Let's begin by letting everyone know what disease you are referring to- for anyone who may not. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (common name) is also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). I'm assuming you do mean this one?

 

While this disorder can cause fatigue and a host of related physical symptoms, many people are treating it and living pretty normal lives. Your ex does sound a bit dramatic and self-absorbed. This statement is not meant to minimize how tough any disorder can be to live with- it is just my observation on HIS behavior.

 

My gut is that his medical issues have little to do with your break-up. It sounds like he was doubting the relationship and needed "time to reflect".

 

You were supportive, accepting and liked him with no reservations. Let's hope he gets that lucky the next time around.

 

Unless you want to be a caretaker of a man who can't/won't be a real partner and helpmate to you, I suggest you RUN in a different relationship direction. There are many great, normal, healthy guys out there who could give you what you are looking for.

 

Hope this helps, Toni C.

[catgirl82]

hi toni!

my boyfriend has done a handful of hurtful things to me which i have forgiven him for- the worst of which was when he took me to the hospital when i was sick and then left me there for a couple of hours by myself because he had too much work to do. i know that he was truly truly sorry for what he did and he knows it was wrong so i did forgive him. but the problem is, sometimes my friends bring up the incident and i know that he is not their favorite person because he has done a few immature things in the past. (hes never cheated on me or abused me in any way). sometimes when i hear them say even the slightest negative thing about my boyfriend, it puts ideas in my head and i start to sort of "unforgive" my boyfriend becuase of what my friends are mentioning. i know this is irrational behavior and they all tell me to my face "we like him, he's just done some immature things in the past" and "hes a good guy but maybe theres someone out there thats better for you" but i really would like to just be true to myself and stand by my own forgiveness and not be influenced by my friends opinions. how do i truly forgive and stop taking back the forgiveness when i feel that my friends are bringing up the past? how do i put the past behind me? i love my boyfriend so much and i know he loves me too, and i do think he's my soulmate. i hate hearing people say that there might be someone better out there for me

[trishcollins]

Toni:

 

I recently broke up with someone I had been seeing for almost two years. His wife passed away unexpectedly only three months before we met. I was convinced he had not yet grieved and would at some point. He insisted he was ready to move on. He has two teenagers (now 17 & 20) and the daughter was fine with me until it got serious after the first year. She then started being quite rude and mean to me, and made it difficult for Dan to deal with the situation. I am sure he felt that he was in the middle. I tried to have empathy for her situation, and continued to be nice to her, but it was all in vain.

 

Dan and I love each other very much and had serious plans to spend the rest of my life together, but a month ago, he called it quits after a particularly rough emotional weekend with his daughter. Part of me is still in shock, and part of me realizes he is now going through the grieving process, although he doesn't see it that way. He says he is just emotionally exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy.

 

He says he loves me and misses me, but needs to sort through some things and devote himself to his kids until he is ready to committ to a relationship 100%, then we can take it from there. He says he is very sorry that it happened and never meant to hurt me. I know he still loves me, and that's what makes this so hard.

 

I have told him that I would prefer NC, since staying in contact in previous relationships has proven my downfall -- I don't want him feeling guilty and that guilt turning to resentment. Do you think that's a good idea? Should I hold out any hope for a reconcilitation? What are my chances here?

 

Trish

[kamurj]

Hi Martyj-

 

I do think you should be asking yourself why you put up with this treatment. This girl has MAJOR issues. Her background would give anyone a lot to overcome before they were ready for a healthy relationship.

 

You may be addicted to the rush some folks get from this kind of tension and chaos. She certainly keeps you guessing and it's NEVER boring. I'd take a good, hard look at that issue in you.

 

My advice- RUN and don't look back. People like this leave a trail of destruction behind them. Get help, support and counseling if you think you need it.

 

Someday you will be saying "Thank God I got away!"

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[Trustworthy65]

not really on the subject of breaking up.. I would love to get your opinion though..

 

The weekend of July 24th, I traveled to help a friend move into her new home. I have always had a deep attraction to her and and finally decided to share my feelings with her..

 

I met her when we were both in high school. We have kept in touch for the last 21 years. Our relationship had always been a little frustrating for me, as I wanted to be with her, but never seemed to have the right timing..

 

approximately 14 years ago, she moved to a new city and I kept in touch over the years, and no matter how many times we lost contact, we always get in touch and pick up where we left off..

 

She and I both married and divorced, me once and her twice. We are now 39 and 37 respectively

 

Anyway, we are both divorced. Recently she called and we attended a concert together. and as always, we talked, joked, and generally had a great time together.

 

I promised to come up and help her move in a few weeks, and that was this past weekend (July 24th)..

 

Spending so much time together, caused me to realize how right it felt being with her..

 

As we talked, I decided that I was not gonna let this opportunity pass without telling her how I felt, and I brought up how my daughter and best friends have told me we should be together..

 

she said, that other friends have told her the same thing,

especially her best friend K****.. when she said that, I mentioned that maybe they knew something we didn't.. she agreed that maybe....

 

a few minutes later, I said, "you know, I have to add myself to the list..."

 

She asked, "What list.."

 

I replied , that "I think we should be together too..."

 

she was visibly touched by my comment, and I went on to explain how I felt, and that I felt that our friendship of over 20 years was something that I believe could withstand anything, and that I wanted to be with her...

 

I said to her that I have always adored her and that she deserved to be treated like a lady..

 

I held her hand briefly and we sat there silent for a few minutes.. Man let me tell you how great it felt to touch her, and have her know what it meant to me..!!

 

We both felt a little awkward after that, but it was a nice awkward, filled with possibilities for the future. I told her that I would let her decide when we moved ahead with our feelings (After 20+ years, there is no need to rush the process now..)

 

I stayed over to rest before driving home this morning, and as I said goodnight to her, we held each other and it was very nice to just enjoy the feeling of holding her.. then I kissed her goodnight and she went to her bedroom leaving me in the guest room, next to her son's room..

 

Sunday morning we made small talk as we looked out her kitchen door to the deck behind the new house.. and she sat on my lap for a few minutes with her arm around me...

 

We are pllanning to get together in a couple weeks, taking our kids to Six Flags.. I sent her a dozen roses this evening to be delivered tomorrow sometime, teling her that I am proud of her and congrats on the new house, and that I was thinking of her...

 

I hope that the positive signals I was getting after I admitted my feeling are mutual and I am on my way to a wonderful relationship..

 

After so many years and 3 failed marriages between us, I felt it was ther right time to admit how deeply I felt for her, and I did not want to take a chance that she would get involved in another relationship before we spoke again..

 

What I need is either advice, or well wishes to help decide what to next, even if that is to wait till she responds to the roses.. (they have a significance, because I bought her the first dozen roses she ever received 18 years ago..) The roses arrived on Tuesday afternoon, but she never even called to thank me...

 

...And then I could not stand it and called on Thursday, July 29th..

 

She was very tired.. She thanked me for the roses, and said they were beautiful..

 

We talked a little, but as tired as she was, she wasn't really talkative..

 

I asked her if I had made a mistake telling her how I felt, and she said no, but I noticed that she paused before every response, I told her her friendship is precious to me, and that I would rather have her in my life as a friend, than not at all.

 

I guess I have to be patient hope it goes my way, and see where we are in a few weeks.. and Above all, make sure she knows that the friendship is NEVER in jeopardy, no matter what she decides..

 

I have no plans to call again for a while, because I am concerned that I ruined not only my chance at a relationship with her, but damaged the friendship... At some point though, I need to call, because we have plans to go to six flags with our children..

 

I really just need to sit down face to face with her and talk about how she feels. I am just wondering when I should attempt this..

 

Another poster said this..

 

Scout wrote:

At the risk of sounding like a gushing idiot - WHAT A ROMANTIC STORY!! I thought what you said about adding yourself to the list of people who think you should be together was so incredibly cool & sweet. I hope things work out for you both! I bet you would be awesome for her. Just keep the lines of communication OPEN, and understand that the transition from friends to lovers may not be the smoothest one, but keep your confidence up - I bet she just needs reassurance.

 

Best of luck!!!

 

At the risk or BEING that gushing idiot, I had to really get up the nerve to tell her how I felt.. the situation was perfect, and over the years, we have always been affectionate..

 

As we were driving back to her new house that night, Let me tell you my voice was shaking and I swear I started to tear up a little.. Once I said it and got it out, this huge burst of confidence took over and I really felt like I could reach up and take the stars outta the sky for her... I had this incredible sense of calm and purpose come over me, and I just knew it was the right time to confess my feelings..

 

I know she has a LOT going on, with the new house, and working full time with 2 children at home, and no-one to help out, so I sure its just gonna take time to work itself out..

 

I strongly believe that things happen as they are meant to.. I got married and adopted my wife's daughter because I was meant to be her daddy..

The marriage did not last because I was not meant to be with her..

and now I feel that I am meant to be with Laura, and I have to believe that it will happen in its own time...

 

It is hard not to be able to hold her and touch her face..

 

Am I being too impatient.. ?

 

Thanks,

Dave

[kamurj]

Hi Vert-

 

Again, let me say that I am concerned you may be a safety net for her. If this "new" relationship is struggling, she may be keeping you around for when she falls. The bottom line is- she shouldn't expect to have it both ways- it's not fair to you.

 

If she really does care, she will make the overture to you- again, beware of her motives and plan.

 

Until then, do what is best for you right now. Friends are great. Wrap yourself in them, get busy with your own goals and activities. You just may get over her completely and be trying to find a nice way to let her down- in the not-so-distant future.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[PoloGirl]

Here is an email from my ex-fiancee:

 

The purpose of this email is to explain why I ask questions, like "do you miss me,do you still think about me, are you over me,why you act like you don't need a man or anything." So no strings attached or anything.

I was with you for over two years and I must say that they were great even when we didn't see eye to eye, but the fact of the matter is that I know you and the person that you are and although this may sound stupid selfish and harsh, listen to what I am about to say. In my opinion, there is not another man in this world besides me that can ever treat you like you need to be treated, and since at this moment we are no longer together, then I feel like no other man should treat you good. By good, I mean do the stuff that he should do for you and make you feel like a woman should be treated. I know that sounds stupid, and it probably is, but that's how I feel. I ask you questions so tha I can see if you have found somebody else and if they are treating you right. I think I am one of the best men in the world and that;s what you deserve.

 

SO I am sorry for our past conversations and even sending you this e-mail, but hopefully it can shed some light on where I be coming from and that it can make things easier on you. SO don't be mad or sad or anything, just listen to what I have to say. Please keep this between me and you. I am not stuck on myself or anything, just know me as a man and there are not that many good ones, so I really can't imagine you being with a bad one. Reply back and let me know if you understand and what you think.

 

P.S. I know you are grown and can choose a good man, but I can't help thinking the way I do.

 

Background: He broke up with me, five months ago, saying he wasn't sure if I was the one, started dating someone else a few months ago, but don't know if they are still together. Never begged him back, gave him his space like he said he wanted. I also never tell him about my personal life, just things that I want him to know, and I never ask him about his.

 

Just need some more opinions.

[bubspsu]

Toni,

I just found out more information and wanted to know if you have any additional comments. My financee had be diagnosed with depression months before we first started dating. She was on prosaic and was doing therapy and the whole nine. Then, I came into her life and she felt happy. She stopped taking the medication and was able to be happy for the first time in a while.

To me it seems that the depression was pushed to the back burner for the time being. When her parents got divorced she escaped the reality of her depression by moving near me and my home. She kind of was using me as a securtiy blanket to keep her problems at bay. The problem is she never found out why she was depressed and never fully got rid of it at all. I feel this had an impact on our marriage not only being postponed but her breaking up with me.

I was wondering what are your thoughts on this? My ex-fiancee is now seeing a therapist and probably will be going to see a psychtriast if its deemed that she needs medication. As a person that does love her very much what do you think I should do? Do you feel that its' possible that her past depression could of had an effect on our marriage being postponed? I am trying to come to grips to this as why she has done this all and because she does not know I have no clue. Perhaps your experience can help me relate?

 

 

 

"My finacee and I dated for 7 years. A really long time but we started out young and wanted to wait tell we got older before marriage was the answer. Got Engaged about a year ago and then 2 months before the wedding (this september) she tells me she does not have the passion to be with me like a person should and that getting married now is not the right thing to do. She gave me the "needs her space line" and the "I want to see other people so I don't have to regret looking back line". Her parents had a messy divorce when we were early on in our relationship. I think I was 18 and she was 20. Now 25 and 27. To me I felt like she waited so long to tell me because she is afraid of comittment and perhaps has a commitment phobe. What's your thoughts? Do you think her parents relationship affected ours? She currently has just started seeing a therapist to try and work out her "issues". Just curious what you thought why she is doing this? None of her reasons seem to make sense.

I know breaking up and not getting married to her is the right thing to do. We have both mentioned that once her issues are figured out that we would maybe give it another shot? What's your thoughts on that?

[martyj]

Thanks Toni c,

 

Just the answer i expected

 

I just thought i must've been crazy to let someone do that to me but i need to figure out that although i have issues i am not in the habit of going in and out of peoples lives making false promises so, i am ready to RUN and not look back and thanks for the advice its been a long time sinking in.

 

MartyJ

[caveat]

Hi Toni,

 

Thanks for your earlier response. I just received an email from the ex asking me if I will meet with her this week. This is the first contact since the 'break' discussion 5 months ago (though she did call late one night a couple of weeks back but didn't leave a message). The email was short, and other than the obligatory "hi, how are you? hope you are doing well", was simply an invitation to meet.

 

Part of me wants to try to flush out why she wants to meet before agreeing to speak with her. I don't want to undo a lot of the progress that I've made by opening myself up to a "Hi, just wanted to see how you were doing. Hope you can forgive me and we can be friends" conversation. I made it very clear to her last time that I could not do the friends thing and that she should not reach out to me if that was her motivation.

 

Another part of me wants to see her face to face--regardless of what is motivating her desire to sit down. Worst case scenario she is in the same place she was 6 months ago, 2nd worst is closure, i.e. its over and she just wants to be friends (which I will not do) and best case is she expresses an interest in trying to work things out.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated. I intend to respond to her later today or tomorrow.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE

 

She called last night and we spoke for about 20-30 minutes. She asked if I had received her email, I said I had but that the day was very hectic and I had little time to consider it. The conversation was pretty light, mostly her asking how my family, friends, me were doing and what she's been up to for the past 5 months. I was upbeat, confident, made a few jokes that made her laugh, but stayed pretty aloof and guarded. It was a comfortable conversation and I think I did a pretty good job demonstrating that I was getting along fine with my life.

 

Near the end she again asked if we could get together, to which I responded, "I don't know if thats such a good idea, K. What do you want to talk about?". She said she thought it would be a good idea for us to talk, and said it in a way that made it clear that she has an agenda, i.e. that to some extent her confusion has faded. Long story short, I said I was open to it but would have to get back to her on timing.

 

What was the most interesting was how she sounded, how she spoke. She really sounds like she has made some progress in the last 5 months (though she did admit with a laugh that they had been interesting and difficult). There was a confidence (cheerful and friendly, self-secured perhaps) in her voice that was really intriguing.

 

I will meet with her and per your earlier suggestion will be prepared to handle whatever comes of it. I'm guessing it will be some form of the 'just want to be friends' (which I cannot do at this point) or 'don't want a committed relationship at this time' discussion. I will assume nothing for now and simply meet with her. Thanks for the help.

 

Caveat

[jenspen84]

hi toni.

 

me n my ex went out for 2 years n were really gd together. we both went to uni n we drifted apart. he finished with me n december 03. he said he needed time on his own, he went to work abroad for 6 months and i broke every rule, forced contact, was needy etc.. he came back home in september and we were close but as friends.. then another girl appeared on the scene .. but quickly dissappeared again.. so we didnt speak throughout the winter.. i told him he couldnt have his cake n eat it two. he wanted time on his own.. and possibly to date others but still wanted me as a big part of his life, but i told him it wasnt fair cos it was hurting me. even though really i was longing to be with him. i found out in march that he was going away for the summer again.. so i took the advice of an international psychic, who is also a friend (!) and i called him on the night he was leaving n told him i still loved him. i havent spoken to him since. he should be back any time now. i feel much better about what i have done this time, by telling him how i feel n then leaving him alone. but what do i do now? this psychic has been my main source of help and advice, he is sure we will get back together. he has been right about a lot but his timing is very wrong, and the whole thing is becoming more and more stressful. can you help me?

[Hunney Pooh]

Dear Toni,

 

I've been bothered by a problem for quite some time but I still can't manage to overcome it. Thank God you are here to share our problems and provide us with opinions. Let me tell you my story. It's rather long-winded and I hope that you do not mind reading it.

 

I've been with my bf for 1 year and 1 month. We started since April 2003. January this year, I found out that he was being disloyal to me by chatting a girl through ICQ and visiting her at her house. We broke off when I discovered about it. He came back to me after a week, tried to save this relationship with lots of cryings and beggings and I finally accepted him back. My family members began to dislike him after that incident. We were quite happy at the beginning but later we started to quarrel and it happened quite regularly.

 

We finally broke off again in April this year as a matter of miscommunication. We did not contact each other but almost after a month I texted him, giving him hint that I still want to be with him. He was very firm that he doesn't want to continue and thereforeeee, I planned to move on. He suddenly approached me again in June, telling me that he still loves me and wants to be with me again. Realizing that I still love him, I accepted him back again. 2 days after that, a friend of mine asked me out and told me that she has been going out with him for 6 weeks while we were apart and he told that girl not to let me know about this. Of course it's none of my business that he started with that girl but there was once we came out in a group for a drink and both of them were there, pretending to be just friends by not holding hands. At first my bf suggested to her that they should hold hands in front of me so that I'll lose hope but it was that girl's decision not to hold hands as she doesn't want to hurt me. While dating, he waited for that girl once for 3 hours without getting angry but when he was with me, for sure he will get mad even if he has to wait for 1/2 hour. Can you see the difference?

 

Now that we're back together again, he tattoed my name on his back as he wants to prove to me he is sincere this time. I accepted him again because I can't stand his beggings and cryings and became soft-hearted. However, the past memories are still haunting my mind. I have tried my best not to think about it but I just can't control my mind. I really can't think of a reason to trust him again.

 

He changed a new job that requires him to stay in another town. We meet only once a week and yet we still argue every now and then. I get mad whenever he seldom calls. Why? It's just because I'm afraid he'll be disloyal to me again as I don't know what he will be doing there because I'm not there to see. Last week, I tried to tell him that I want a break off but he said I accuse him and was cruel to leave him just like that with my name on his back. Again, I was soft-hearted and we are back together. Few days ago we quarrelled again, I slammed the phone down. Since then, he has not been calling me for 3 days. I'm taking this few days of no contact to really think about this relationship.

 

He can promise me with anything but it does not mean that it's honest from his heart. There's no way he can be honest to me if he still does not have the intention to be honest. Toni, sorry for the long-winded story and thanks for reading. I really hope you can give me some idea as I do not know what to do with it already.

[LostAngel]

Hi Toni

 

I need your advice please. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

 

My boyfriend of nearly 7 years broke up with me. It has been 2 months now. I love him with all my heart and can't take this pain any longer. I just want him back. I have not only lost the love of my life but he is my best friend.

 

We have broken up before on a number of occasions but this is the longest it has ever been. The reason he broke up with me is because he says he cant take us fighting any longer. We would fight, break up then get back together, then it would be fine for a while then the same cycle would happen again.

 

When he broke up with me, I did the usual crying & pleading. But as I have discovered "This is not the way to go in changing his mind". So I guess I made things worse. I have tried NC but he ends up calling me. During these 2 months we have still kept in contact talking, hanging out & have even been intimate -but then end up fighting again.

(Even though we are broken up).

 

IT IS LIKE WE CANT LIVE WITH EACH OTHER, BUT WE CANT LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER!

 

He says he loves and cares for me but we just can't be together. He says we are just not working rigt now. That we are just too different. He also said he wants ME to move on... and even said he would not be scared to loose me -it would be something he would have to learn to accept if I found someone else. But yet says I Mean alot to him.

THIS HURTS SO MUCH...

 

During our years together we have spoken about marriage & having children. Surly it cannot just end this way.

 

I am just so sad & will do anything to fix things & be with him. I know in my heart we are meant to be. 7 years is a long time and I just cant seem to move on. I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND OR HEART.

 

Please give me your view on my situation.

 

Why would he want me to move on??? If he cares so much why would he say he would not be scared to loose me...???

 

Right now I'm thinking Maybe I should just give him TIME away from Me (something we have never managed to do -WE have never had time apart for longer than a few days with NO CONTACT). Then maybe he will MISS ME & it will maybe show him how much I really DO mean to him.

 

I'm not sure where to go from here...PLEASE HELP!!!

[ForAnother]

Hi, I just wanted to say that you are more than kind to do this on eNotAlone. Its a lot of work to keep up with a forum especially with all these posters.

 

I want to tell everyone to keep your messages short, she is being kind to us, so lets show some kindness back by quickly addressing our issues.

 

Thank you Toni, and I have one question, how are you doing?

 

ForAnother

[didyoumissme]

Hi Toni,

 

I was wondering if theres any good tips out there on how to keep online friendship(s) alive?

I know its hard but I think if you really care about the person it can be done. True? Any opinions, suggestions?

I have an online close friend who I actually consider a real friend even tho we never met in person. We known each other for almost 3 years.

And still to this day were still talking. I send him postcards/letters from time to time. Even little gifts occasionally if i see something he might like.

We sometimes talk on IM's but mainly thro emails. I call him sometimes and he calls me too sometimes. He actually called me yesterday

he just wanted to say hey and see what i was up too =) That made my day. I missed his call tho so I had to email him when i gotten home.

Anyhow, my point is that this friend is really imporant to me and i always worry that since alot of our friendship is online that it may die one day.

I dont want it to die, i want to make it last for a long time maybe even forever.

Do you think maybe i am just worrying to much and our friendship should be fine since we done good so far. 3 years a long time..

 

Any help is appericated

 

Thanks,

[kamurj]

Hi ct girl-

 

So, when your friends put him down, you start to doubt him...

 

Depending on your age, your friends can play a huge role in your life. They can have a powerful influence, as young people especially want the approval of their group.

 

You said he has never been abusive, etc. He has been insensitive and immature. Sounds like a lot of people. No matter WHO you choose to date- they will have similiar imperfections. For sure, there is no PERFECT guy out there.

 

The bottom line- How do you truly feel about him and your relationship? Does this relationship basically meet you needs and expectations? Is he a pretty good guy in general? Or do you have your doubts which are heightened by your "friends'" comments?

 

You need to decide what is right for you. When you do, remember it is ok to let your friends know that even though you love them, etc., you would appreciate that they NOT criticize the guy in your life. When you care for someone, you stand up for them and let folks know you are a team.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi trish-

 

I think you are right on that he needed to grieve, but rushed into something in order to avoid the pain. His KIDS also needed to grieve, but were probably happy he had someone to spend time with after he lost their mother so suddenly- until it got serious. They weren't ready either.

 

He is saying he isn't ready and is tired of all the conflict.

I advise you to tell him what you told us- You know he never greived, needs to grieve, needs time. Let him know you will be available- at least for a time- if he wants to talk about any of it.

 

In the meantime, focus on yourself and what you need right now. Your life cannot (should not) be put on hold while he figures things out and decides to come back or to move on for good. If being friends is too hard, nc, except to talk about your relationship/related issues would be appropriate. Do what you need to do.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[bzborow1]

Hi Toni,

 

Forgive me if this topic has already been covered, but I'd like to know some exercises (or even just concepts) on how to get back into the "game". More specifically if you have any exercises to help the shy ones overcome their fears over approaching members of the opposite sex....

 

Thanks,

 

Bill

[trishcollins]

Thanks Toni,

 

I appreciate your advice. The only thing I won't do is contact him at this point, since I have already said I would prefer not to, and don't want to confuse the situation.

 

I have previously advised him that he needs counselling and provided some info to him. However, he needs to make that decision on his own, and I don't think calling me to discuss the relationship (unless it was to talk about reconciliation) would be good for either of us right now, as I am in too volatile a state not to end up begging him to come back. There is really nothing left to say otherwise.

 

He knows I love him, he knows where to find me, and he knows I am here if he needs me. I will have to leave it up to him to start healing, and move forward with my life. He is the kind of person that seems to have a hard time asking for help, and I have tried many times to get him to open up to me without success. He tries to be stowic father-figure all the time, and until he sees the situation for what it really is, he will likely stay in a "holding pattern" indefinitely.

 

Thanks again. I think deep down I already knew this, but it helps to hear it from others.

 

Trish