Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

[ravens_folly]

Hi,

 

Its great to finally have someone with some real experience in this to offer some real insight. Sometimes we need this so we can see whats really going on.

 

I've got quite a long story, but here's the short version.

 

My ex broke up with me because he didn't think he had enough time. I've been thinking the best of him, while he's all angry at me for coming to his parents house all the time where he lives. I only come out to work with my 4-h animal and practice and visit a friend of mine, who is also a friend of his. its a long complicated story. Its been almost 5 months since the break up.

 

Anyways, I've written a letter to him, and I feel there are some things that desperately need to be said. Is there anyway I can say some of these things with out completely making him feel attacked and go all defensive, even though he is going to be anyway. I have some things I need to say to him that he needs to hear, whether or not he does anything about it.

 

If I private messaged the letter would you read it and let me know if I should change the wording of some of the things? He's a difficult stubborn person, and he's pretty much alone with himself because he's too afraid to talk to anyone. Someone needs to say something to him and theres not really anyone who will. Otherwise he might never clue in, and I think that would be awful. He's a good person but really needs to grow up.

I just want to help, he may not even read it, but I would be at least happy to know that I tried.

[kamurj]

Note eNotAloners lets try to be short, sweet and to the point please!

Summarize your questions in 2-3 paragraphs without referring to your other topics. You can do it!

[smiles314]

Hey Toni,

 

Often I heard from many people that there really is no such thing as closure. Well my brief story is this: Met this guy freshmen yr in college, we went out for about 7 months. He was my first sex partner so there was a huge emotional attachment there, whereas I wasn't his. We were very different but we really loved each other in the beginning, maybe too much too soon. When summer came, we lived about 4 hrs apart and eventually he broke it off for me just because he simply couldnt handle it... (Never got a real explanation for that)

 

Now I am going into my senior yr at college, and me and ym ex had been in a very odd friendship where he basically kept me along on a string, saying he wasnt ready to commit again but soon, but then he didnt have time, but he still cared...back and forth like that. I was naive, and believed that he really did love me and stuck with it...through a lot of emotional abuse too that came with it all. Basically he got what he wanted from me, sex and companionship when he needed it..

 

A little over 2 months ago, my ex dropped me suddenly and made it publicly known that he spent the night with someone else, and continued to leave this meesages online that he was happy spending time with this other girl.... A FEW days after he slpet with me and I poured my feelings out too him... He didnt think he was at fault, he even tried to talk to me a week later but I was cold and distant.. Then decided to blcok him online and not talk to him ...Well its been over 2 months of NC.... I feel better but it seems like I've been trying to create my own closure and its just not happening. I believe that my ex is still with this girl and is happy with her... He has attempted to speak to me once in the 2 months and I ignroed him...

 

Basically, I dont know how I could get the right closrue I need to forget him. I dont know if I should speak to him again or what.... What do you think about this situation?? Any input could be tremendous help.. THanks in Advance.

[PoloGirl]

Okay here is a short summary of my story: ex-fiancee broke up with me 5 months ago, reason was because he said that he wasn't sure if I was the one for him or not (he had proposed to ME!) after he moved for a job in another state, we were together for over two years.

 

I did not beg or plead for him to comeback, I felt that he had made his mind up. I have never contacted him since the break-up, he has contacted me every time since then.

 

He was dating someone a few months ago, but not sure if they are still together.

 

I get these questions from him now: do you miss me, do you think about me, Are you over me, Didn't I treat you like a queen in the relationship, why won't you discuss your dating life with me, why can't I call you more often, etc.. I don't know what to think of these question, I only answered the "DO you miss me question" and I said yes, and he said that he "misses me at times, like when I use to act crazy." He's not the type to play with anyone's feelings, and not the type to cheat. I do still love him, but don't know about the "in love" part.

 

Toni please help me!!!

[kamurj]

Hi Carter-

You're welcome.

You have come through a trauma. It was a long term relationship that ended without warning (for you) and right after Christmas, no less.

 

You appear to be trying to get on with things and that is good. However, I get the sense that you haven't closed that chapter and it is getting in the way of you moving on.

 

If you can't talk things through with her to better understand what went wrong, then spend some time thinking about how the relationship REALLY was. The good and BAD. One defense mechanism that is commonly used is to remember a lost relationship as ideal. It's easier to see it in this light (in one respect). Yet, it is also not realistic and keeps us from seeing what what was not good and learning from this. This will also help you to move away from the notion that you can never have someone like this again- a relationship that was so right. If it was, why did it suddenly disappear?

 

Which leads me to my final point. If you believe it was perfect and YOU blew it, you will be terrified (on some level) to risk involvement again, for fear of this same kind of loss. So, no one will be good enough and you won't allow yourself to get close.

 

So, spend some time looking back and remembering. Be honest with yourself about what you see. Then give yourself the time you need to be ok with yourself and this loss.

 

Hope this helps,

Toni Coleman

[kamurj]

Hi Charlua-

 

You're a lover of poetry! It does give expression to those feelings that can be so hard to put into words (ie) love, despair, joy, etc.

 

I think some things can be put back together. It all depends on how strong the glue is that will be used to hold them. If it is weak, so will the relationship be. But if two people are sorry, open, and ABLE to forgive and move on - anything is possible.

 

It all depends.

 

Hope this helps,

Toni Coleman

[otrebla]

Hello Toni:

I had a great relationship with my ex girlfriend for 1 year and 8 months, then she left me for another guy, just before we were going to live together. She had left another boyfriend this way a long time ago, maybe she's afraid of giving that next step. Well, I couldn't stand the situation and I stalked her, and pleaded and begged, it didn't work, so I used no contact for three days and she called me, to see how was I doing, ...

I called her yesterday, we were talking for an hour and a half, she told me that she's having a lot of problems, that everybody's against her, that she's been sensitive, and that my calling made her feel happy and fine, I didn't talk about the relationship, I only gave her reasons not to be sad and angry.

 

She thanked me for supporting her, she said nobody's supporting her nowadays, it was all fine.

 

Now, my question is: What should be my next step?, I know she's not so happy with her new boyfriend and life, and my call made her feel fine and she told me so, but how can I do to get her back? I don't want to give myself false expectations about this, it's been a month since we broke up.Thanks for your great help.

[Jyebo]

Hi Toni,

 

My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me two weeks ago, the problem being that she felt as though things were becoming stagnant, boring and routine. She did say things occasioanlly about it, but i never really thought it was a problem. Obviously it was. (she's 25 i am 23, if it makes any difference)

 

She still loves me, and said that i was a great boyfriend. We were very well suited and compatible. I have spoken with some of her friends from high school and they say that she has always been like this and has unrealistic expectations of a long term relationship. To be honest, we didn't do much exciting things, we're both at university and broke, so money did play a part. i really want to work this out, as it seems like such a waste for a problem so simple.

 

My questions:

 

1. Is this normal in a relationship?

2. What can i do to bring back the passion we used to share?

3. What's my best approach to win her back?

 

Thanks

 

Jyebo

[Outlaw2747]

Here is a simple and sweet question.....

 

Why is it that guys are always seen as the bad guys when I see and hear about alot of girls mistreating guys? It always seems like we are totally evil and they are the innocent...(no offense to you women at all)

[otterloo]

Hello, I am sorry to add to the ever increasing number of questions that you have to answer but here goes. I am in love with my ex and she still loves me. I want to get back together but she doesn't yet because she says that she needs to trust me first. We are continuing to be friends and things are great and we have a lot of fun together but I can't help but want it all. It's so hard to be apart when things could work out so well. We made mistakes (mostly I did) but we see them now and can definitely work things out. I don't want to jeopardize losing her completely but I want her back. I have tried to take it slow but it is proving to be the more difficult than I thought. Can you think of anyway in which I can help control my emotions or give any hints on how I can prove my trustworthiness? Thank you for your time.

[kamurj]

Hi Losing hope-

 

You and your ex had a relationship that was characterized by breaking up, due (according to him) because of all that was wrong with you- (ie) too clingy, smothering, not trusting). He apparently tried to end things on a number of occasions, but you pushed to get back together.

 

I know this is painful, but it appears that you are avoiding the truth, which prolongs the agony you are now in. He has been saying, for some time now, that he doesn't want the relationship. How he has gone about this could use some work, but the bottom line is- you are not the one for him.

 

This does not mean that you are not the right one for somebody- just not him.

 

No, I don't think he will change his mind. He may attempt contact, but this is actually unfair to you as it sends out a mixed signal. It would be a good idea for you to tell him just that, and not have any contact until you've done some healing.

 

Good luck,

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Caveat-

 

When you and your ex met, she was only 19 and struggling along (seemingly very alone) in her life. You were the older, stable, caring and supportive man in her life (father figure?) She was most likely attracted to your strength, stability and success, among other things. You were a kind of rescuer for her.

 

As she grew (with a lot of help from you), she began to take on the characteristics she yearned for- greater independence, individual strength and stability) She appears to have done a lot of growing. Unfortunately, she may have been moving in a very different direction from you.

 

Now, she appears to be going through a normal stage of spreading her wings and experiencing the world, and new people. She has a new freedom to do this, as she has many more resources now.

 

You haven't heard from her since your "ultimatum". My guess is that it's because she's moved on. If you decide to contact her, expect this. Also be clear on what your goals are in contacting her. You can put your feelings right out there and let her know what you want- which is always best. But you need to be prepared to deal with what she will say/do in response.

 

Good luck,

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi ravens_folly-

 

Your boyfriend broke up with you 5 months ago. It's very painful and you clearly feel there are things you want to say that you want him to hear.

 

Yet, when you so much as get physically near him or his friends, he becomes angry. He is clearly saying it is over for him, regardless of what you want to say. He is also communicating that he wants no contact.

So, where does this leave you?

 

The plain truth is that you cannot control his anger or defensiveness. It wouldn't matter HOW or WHAT you say, he refuses to hear it. This leaves you with finding some closure without his help.

 

You have choices here. You can send him a letter. But again, you have no control over how he responds to it, regardless of how you say what you want to say. If you send one, speak from the heart. Be honest, but avoid blaming statements. Just put your feelings down without attack or name-calling, etc. He may read it. That leaves you with the knowledge that he did "hear it". However, don't set yourself up to believe it will change his feelings about you or what happened. Only he can do this, if he ever chooses to.

 

This is very hard, but you only have so much control. It's over how you deal with what you have been handed and move on from there.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[RayKay]

Hi Toni

 

My ex and I were together for about 16 months, we broke up about two months ago. We both just turned 25, so started dating when we were 23. The break up itself was quite sudden (for both of us to be honest) as he just one night after a very stupid argument realized he was not able to commit to a relationship in terms of not just emotional commitment, but time (he was feeling very pressured/obligated to be a better boyfriend according to his OWN ideas (not mine) and felt due to work, classes, various organizations he is involved in he did not have time). He felt he was kind of "starving me" I guess, and also felt that he just was not ready. In the past he has been hurt quite badly (he was cheated on etc, and I know that also affected him for a long while and have led to some insecurities). He just felt the need for "freedom" - not to be with anyone else, but he said he did not want a "future wife" at this point in his life.

Our relationship itself was great - and yes there were some small issues at times, but we agree we have great chemistry, attraction, love for one another, friendship.

 

The thing is, he DOES love me, he does "want" to be with me, he just "can't" right now and does not feel "in love" with the relationship. He has no negative feelings of me, or even of our relationship. So it seems he wants me, just feels he can't right now. His need to be single and selfish is stronger right now, and the thing is he also PROMISED himself he would stay single for at least one year (he has never really been on his "own"). He has also admitted to me he has fears of "failing" if he stayed with me - like in a few years having these doubts and then having to face a divorce (secretly, I think he also fears abandonment based on his past). Though, he is open to something with me again, and even hopes for that to happen - he is sooo stubborn, I fear that we will both lose out on the chance to renew our relationship as a result of it.

 

We are currently friends - we talk and see one another often. In fact, I just got back from spending a 5 day trip mountain biking with him (we are both active in cycling community, so see each other around that often too). I know he does care a great deal about me (not just by what he says, but his actions), and as I said "wants" to be with me, but I think he fears things not working out, not being able to do it, those problems he felt coming back, or again having those doubts return. I know I had some faults too in the relationship - when he pulled away, I did get more "needy", things like that - things I recognize that I needed to (and have changed). I avoid talking of the relationship with him now. When we are together we have a great time, we laugh a lot, there is some intimacy, and closeness, we are just very comfortable with one another and we just seem to know each other very well (this was true even when we first met). He genuingely does enjoy being with me (and I with him!).

 

I am having a hard time figuring out how he will realize that being with me is worth the sacrifice of being single again, or something. The thing is honestly, as things are now, is perfect. We spend time with one another a couple times a week, talk a couple times too, and then we do our own things. I like it, it gives us both independence (neither of us are seeing anyone else) and we still get to spend time together (when we broke up he was very adamant he did enjoy my company and wanted me in his life, in hopes he could figure out his issues and what he wants). However, there is not actual "commitment" there - I don't mean in terms of marriage or anything, just in terms of an official relationship. It is still "open".

 

I want us to have a second chance, I love him for who he is - for the person he is. If we were only to be friends forever, I could learn to accept that too as he is an incredible person, however, what I truly want is to be with him again, but I am not sure how he will ever realize things will be "different" this time around, or how given his stubborness he will let that wall down and be ready to try again. I know I can't be pushy, but I also fear that if I ease right off we will grow apart. It seems right now he still is not listening to his heart - it is clear he "wants to be with me" but he is still convincing himself that he should not be since he did say he would be single - it it a pride thing!

[kamurj]

Hi Smiles-

 

Somhow, I don't think you are smiling too much these days. Sorry.

 

You were young when you met your ex. He was your first. This is the hardest love to get over, the one we never forget. But, we move on.

 

You say you have been trying to get closure with no contact, etc. However, I get the sense you are still hanging on. (ie) you think about him and this other girl and wonder...

 

Letting go is a process. It's active and deliberate. You need support, positive people, time to heal and work through your anger and to get busy on yourself.

 

Do nice things for yourself. Make plans and get involved with meaningful leisure activities. You are probably not ready to dive into a new relationship, but can certainly go out with friends, both male and female.

 

I don't know if you need it or not, but counseling may help. You went along with this relationship for a long time. Figuring out why and never letting it happen again would be a useful thing for you to work on.

 

Like many many people before you, you will recover and move on.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Polo Girl-

 

So, it's been 5 months since HE broke up with you. He lives at a distance and was (is?) seeing someone else- yet is asking you all these questions...

 

I think some of this has to do with the fact that you let him go without pursuing it or pushing it. You gave him his space and accepted what he needed to do.

 

There is a real possibility that his most recent relationship is not going well or has ended and he's missing the great girl he used to date. This does not mean he WANTS A RELATIONSHIP. But, he does appear to be fishing for an ego boost or some kind of reassurance.

 

My advice, ask him WHY he is asking these questions? Remind him that it's over and it is not fair of him to open things up again for you if he has no interest in taking it any further. Depending on his response, do what you need to do for YOURSELF.

 

You sound like a woman with a good head who will make the right decisions. Good luck

 

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Otrebla-

 

My first question is: "what's in it for you"? Your ex has a PATTERN of leaving guys just when it is getting to commitment stage. She also talks quite a bit about how others don't treat her well- maybe the new guy is in this group.

 

My gut tells me she has "stuff" she needs to deal with first- before making a commitment to anyone. She sounds needy and as though there may be some serious self-esteem issues. Be careful no to be in the role of rescuer here. It can get old and tired and lonely...

 

Decide what YOU want. Then think about how you can REALLY help her- BY HELPING HER TO HELP HERSELF.

Hope this helps, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Jyeblo-

 

Your gf BROKE up with you. So, I'm assuming it is over. She apparently thinks you are a good guy, but not the right relationship guy for her.

 

Answers to question:

 

No, this is NOT normal for a relationship. It's what happens when the relationship is not working for one or both persons.

 

You can try to win her back, ask passionate, be impulsive, unpredictable, etc.- but you will not be able to sustain this if this is not the real you. It will just be you trying to be someone she would want.

 

The ONLY approach to "winning someone back" is to offer all you have- yourself. If the other person doesn't want that "self" as they are- then it won't work.

 

I'm sorry. There is a right someone out there who will love you as you are.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[lostheart]

Hi there,

I have a question. I had a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. Everythign seem to be going great. One night I had been very frustrated over a pair of earrings I had lost. I was very frustrated. When I was on the phone with him I was very frustrated at myself and said "say something to make me happy etc" The next morning he broke up with me thru email (saying its over between us and it needs to be a really long time before he sees or hears from me). It came very suddenly as we had planned to go on a trip THAT weekend. And the summer was planned with some concerts etc. I had no signs at all that he was unhappy, even the weekend before we had gone to a BBQ with his friends and everyone saw us as happy, it was happy. This was very sudden for everyone (his friends and my friends/family). We had broken up for 2 days back in feb (from a different case, but he felt that i flew off the handle as well). Other than that, we haven't had huge amount of fights.

 

Its been 5 weeks since no contact. I finally sent a "how are you" card 3 days ago, but i haven't heard back from him. His friends (mutual friends) had told me last week when they had asked the question "you have been with this person for 2 years" his response: that he "really loved me" but when pressed that he should at least talk to me and get some closure he "groans." His friends said that he's in the "i don't want to deal mode" and feels that if he gets back we will argue and fight all the time. His friends told me he doesn't seem adamant that its over over. And his friends think that i'm on his mind. What is going thru his mind? Is there anyone I can just be able to talk to him? and put away all his negative thoughts? and is there any way to salvage this relationship down the line? As for now he hasn't made contact and I don't think he wants to talk. When his friends asked they can arrange a get together with him and I, he answers "nooo, childish way and physically curls into a ball on the sofa" He's coming 29years old. I agree and his friends think that either way he should at least talk to me and just get some closure. When will he be ready to talk?(when are people ready to talk in these cases?)

 

Do you think there is still a chance of getting back together? And should i contact him (call) a few months down the line say for his birthday in nov? What should I do? I'm definitely trying to move on... Please give your advice thank you!

[Optimistic37]

hey, ive been in this difficult situation for about 2 months now and it's really gettin at me;

 

Firstly, my feelings towards a friend of mine (D) has grown a lot and I really want to tell her how I feel towards her. However, she a long term boyfriend and I know telling her would only cause her difficulties.

 

I've been given advice to tell her and to not tell her. I have no idea which to follow. Our friendship is incredible strong now and I really do not want to wreck it by making the wrong move.

What do u think I should do? Tell her or Not tell her, or even wait a while?

 

I was also wonder, is it normal to not kiss on a first date with someone you have only met once before in a group or shown blatant signs of how u both feel?

[kamurj]

Hi Outlaw-

I agree with your observation. There are "bad boys" AND "bad girls".

I think the difference is that women TALK about these things a lot more. They are the ones who come up with so many terms and the ones that self-help books are mostly written for.

 

It's nice to hear a guy telling it like it is!

 

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Lost heart-

 

It appears that THE issue here centers around your tendency at times to "lose it". I conclude this due to the fact that you broke up twice due to one of these meltdowns. He has really pulled back. This may be an issue that has concerned him all along that he just doesn't want to face. In fact, he does seem to be avoiding dealing with it and you.

 

If the relationship had been that good do you think he would have just walked away? Not likely. So there must have been underlying negative feelings...

 

There's no way to tell if this can be worked through. For this always depends on the willingness of the two people involved to stick it out and make a commitment to "fix" the problems. He has demonstrated a complete unwilligness so far. It could ONLY work if you two could sit down together and share openly and honestly without blame, angry words, etc.

At the very least, it would give you a sense that you have done all you can.

 

You can ask him for a meeting, telling him why you think he has ended your relationship. Let him know you want to talk about it in a calm and open way in order to help you to make peace with the loss.

There's no guarantee that he will agree or even respond to your request.

 

If you believe that your "frustration" is creating a problem in your relationships, I suggest you get some professional help with this. For at its core, it's ANGER, and this left unchecked can cause a lot of destruction in your life.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Otterloo-

 

You say that your ex doesn't trust you because of something that is your fault. You are spending time together, but she needs to "trust" you again.

 

The bottom line- be trustworthy. Do what you say you will do, be consistent and reliable. Most of all, put her needs first in this case. If she needs time and you truly care about how SHE feels, you will give her that time.

 

For if you push and pressure her, you are thinking about what YOU want and need and demonstrating a true lack of concern for her.

 

You cope by working on delaying gratification. Think about what you will get - down the line- by being patient and understanding now. Remind yourself that pushing things in order to satisfy your immediate wants may very well leave you with nothing.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi phybrid-

 

You are describing "the friend crush". Many people have experienced this.

I wrote an article on it that will help you with your question.

You can find it on:

link removed

 

Whether to kiss on a first date or not is something that must be decided by the couple. There is no "normal" standard for this.

 

Hope this helps,

Toni C.

[RayKay]

Hi Toni, I think my post may have gotten lost on page 7 or 8 amongst your replies to others, please take a look Thanks!