Would you consider this a pure lack of caring on his part?

[Kjv1611ad]

I had a horrible horrible day yesterday. BF of 2 1/2 years, did not work yesterday. Just doing some cleaning around his house. He text me around 2:45 pm saying hope youre having a good day, to which I replied "I need a drink". He responded with "that kind of day huh" , and instead of texting back, I call him, around 3:30 He answers, and I say hey what are you doing, and he told me. Moving stuff around to make space for a keyboard, or WHATEVER (lol). And I say, ok, do you need to call me back....he hesitates, I know him well enough to know that means hes not up to talking right now. He didnt ask about my day, what went wrong, nothing. Didnt offer to have a drink with me tonight, anything. Whatever. He was preoccupied. I get it. Then call me back. This is what I am thinking, but he didnt respond, just sits there. I say, ok, well call me later. He says alright.

 

He knows I get off at 6:00. 8:30 rolls around I still havent heard from him. Im irritated. He doesn't care about what goes on in my day, nothing. Its not like hes doing anything. Just at home doing BS stuff, I mean come on.

 

If he told me he had a bad day, Id do my best to cheer him up, or at least let him tell me what happened, etc. Nothing.

 

So I text with thanks for calling me back. He called but I didn't answer, and I haven't really talked to him since I know its just a stupid phone call, but its the whole POINT to me. Jeez, come on, he wasn't doing anything, give me a break.

 

He used to care about these things. I think it shows disinterest, and completel lack of empathy on his part. This isnt the only other stuff he does. He does stupid crap like this all the time Its always little stuff, nothing huge, but add them all up and I feel like he seriously is a selfish a hole. Am I wrong for being a little irritated?

[imoutfront]

I can understand why you might be a little irritated. However when you texted him "Thanks for calling me back", and he called you, why didn't you answer? It's hard to tell what he's thinking, but you should have given him the opportunity to explain. But who knows, maybe he wouldn't try to explain. It's honestly super hard to tell. You know him better than we do. If he does stuff like this a lot, then yeah, he probably is a LITTLE self centered. But I think a lot of guys (not all, but a lot) start to pull stuff like this once you've been dating for a while, and he's comfortable in knowing that he "has you". I don't see why you can't bring this up with him. You don't have to accuse him of anything, or be aggressive; if you do that, he'll just get defensive. Just be honest and sincere, and let him know that you've noticed a change in his behavior towards you since you've been together, and you aren't sure why there was such a shift. Let him know that you care about him a lot, and want him to be happy. And that you hope he feels the same way about you. Then leave it at that. Don't push the issue, and don't nag him. Leave the ball in his court. But if you ask me, he does care about you. He texts you out of the blue in the middle of the day, wishing you a good day. It just might be that he doesn't show it as much as you want or need.

[savignon]

Texting him "thanks for calling me back" was to get some sort of reaction out of him and then when you got the reaction you wanted, you ignored him. I think that's very passive-aggressive and only adds another layer to the problem. Instead of focusing on why he didn't call you he'll rightfully say "I DID...you didn't answer" which confuses the real issue.

One of you has to be mature enough to talk about this in a way that will get to the heart of the issue. If he's not up for it or capable of it, then it falls on you (i hate when that happens!)...but really, one of you has to step up to the plate in terms of getting some real, meaningful communication going. Looks like you'll have to take the lead. It doesn't make him a bad guy.....I think in a relationship we end up taking turns doing some dirty work to get things resolved/progressing/moving/etc.

[DN]

When you first said "I need a drink" that didn't necessarily sound all that desperate - more of a joke. So he may not have taken it that seriously to begin with. If you wanted concern and support you should have been clearer about why.

[MizzNatalie]

I'd pick up the phone, tell him he were in a whiney mood and apologize to him for being immature. Tell him you were having a bad day and took it out on him. Remind yourself of what you like about him, because if you keep up the little fights or try to encourage him to get upset bc he's not a mind reader, boys are dumb, then before you know it (being a little theatrical) you'll lose him and wish you didn't get into silly disputes. as women we all have those days and want our guys to be able to know what we need. sometimes they're just stupid. you're fine maybe ask him to get a drink with you next time and vent for a couple minutes then kiss him and say thanks for listening.

[TakingtheBlame]

With all due respect, OP, sounds to me like you were being way passive aggressive. As DN points out, a text of "I need a drink" could be construed as a joke since texts are notoriously ambiguous for not properly conveying emotion or tone. Then when he responded "that kind of day huh" (implying he's asking you to elaborate...that's how I'd take it anyway) you call him and ask if you should call him back...I honestly don't get why the guy should assume there's any kind of emergency here. You never once communicated to him clearly that your day was a complete disaster that required a talk...so maybe you do know him well enough to detect that he didn't WANT to talk but that doesn't mean he wouldn't have listened, had you told him what was up rather than making it sound like whatever you had to say could wait (otherwise, why suggest you call him back later?) If you'd been more clear about needing to talk and he'd said "sorry, moving some furniture around, can't talk" THEN I'd say he was being insensitive. But I don't see any insensitivity here, and I think you need to be a little clearer about what you need from him going forward if things like this get you upset. Contrary to popular belief, I've found, men can't read minds.

[Oddball]

my girlfriend's idea of a bad day can be the result of the most petty and inane things. Things I never thought could possibly upset a grown adult.

 

She constantly tries to get support from me from these things, but really, who cares? Maybe he's tired of your whining about minor things. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought when you called him "I really don't want to sit and listen to another 2 hours of why you don't get along with Debby in accounting". Maybe he just wanted a day to himself? While talking to him about petty problems might be good for you, it very well could be emotionally draining to him (and also your relationship with him).

[gravity]

I'd pick up the phone, tell him he were in a whiney mood and apologize to him for being immature. Tell him you were having a bad day and took it out on him. Remind yourself of what you like about him, because if you keep up the little fights or try to encourage him to get upset bc he's not a mind reader, boys are dumb, then before you know it (being a little theatrical) you'll lose him and wish you didn't get into silly disputes. as women we all have those days and want our guys to be able to know what we need. sometimes they're just stupid. you're fine maybe ask him to get a drink with you next time and vent for a couple minutes then kiss him and say thanks for listening.

 

This. Us guys can be a little distracted sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love you, just that we think differently.

[Kjv1611ad]

I just read SO much into this. I guess I put it with him: going to see his ex he hasnt seen or talked to since we got together, without telling me and (he didnt lie) but withheld the information and I found out on my own. The day I got a raise, I call to tell him, he was the first person I called and I was exited and wanted to celebrate with him, he "was at ryans" house, and I thought it strange he didnt answer when I called and text me back instead, saying sorry, since he was already over there, didnt invite me, and I never heard back from him the rest of the night. Them, the next day I talk to him, he didn't tell me he was planning on meeting her over there, didnt tell me she was there at all, and I felt so disrespected. Thats one instance.

 

The other times are all something similar, he didnt fell the need to tell me what was going on in his life, he did/does what he wants to do, I can tag along if I want, he doesnt know if he wants to move forward with me anymore, (because of the fighting) he told me he wanted to get married before, now he doesnt want to talk about anything in the future, he even told me he feels like he "owes me nothing" because of an issue in the past. So every time I try to talk to him about things, nothing ever gets resolved because I fell like he doesnt care anymore. So when things like this happen, I read into it as PROOF of how he feels, because I tell him actions speak louder than words.

 

I know I completely over exaggerated this particular issue. Can it really be possible that something this small could be the straw that broke the camel's back? Its so stupid. I know its stupid. But I dont know why I feel this way.

[charity]

yes something this small can seemingly end the relationship...... and you will know that it really is something so much deeper. it seems you have been unhappy for awhile. perhaps instinct is speaking to you here. you two value different things and may not be compatible in the long term.

[geekgirl4]

I understand your point of view (I used to think the same way). I think you were being a bit passive aggressive in this situation (I don't know about others). I would have also taken the "drink" text as a joke. It would have been better to be clear you were having a bad day when you called him. Something like this is a bit too much of a stretch for any bf to just figure out on their own (I would be confused/ignorant of your mood as well, to be honest).

 

I've been in your shoes and I think you've been unhappy with things for awhile, which is why something like this got kind of out of hand. If things were ok, I think you would have handled this better. But because you feel like he's been neglectful lately, it colors things differently and you become overly sensitive. Take it from me, you need to talk to him, loud and clear (and simply) how you're feeling, how his actions have been affecting you lately, and work on this together. I cannot stress the honesty part. To be honest, your position sounds a lot like mine. I think you and your bf are incompatible.

[Kjv1611ad]

So, what you are saying, is because he used to be able to do these things/communicate with me before (honeymoon stage) and the fact that we can't seem to do it now, is because this is how he really is, and nothing can change that?

 

I have talked myself blue in the face telling him how I feel, I feel like the more I talk the less I get, the more I tell him how something bothers me, the more it happens, like revealing how you feel makes you vulnerable to them, because now they know what "gets you".

 

Heres the thing. We are like buds, ya know? We like spending time together when we are talking about "issues", but I feel like when I let things go for the sake of a good time, over and over again I feel like my needs aren't getting met. When I try to talk to him, he tells me hes this way because of "all the things we have gone through" well, if that is the case, then theres nothing left to work on. What am I supposed to do, sit here unhappy waiting for him to come back around?

 

I wish I could PINPOINT exactly what he does that makes me feel this way, and I cant, and it bothers him. He acts like Im making stuff up. I give him instances like these, and I feel needy. And stupid. He will just never get it. Or go back to the way he used to be, anyway.

[Kjv1611ad]

so, he sent a text earlier saying hope I have a good day (he sends this every day). I have not responded yet. I dont want to ignore him, but I guess I feel like all communication has broke down, I dont really know what to say either, this whole thing is so stupid. I wish he would just understand me. I have been trying for a year to get him to understand.

[geekgirl4]

Ok, you are EXACTLY in my shoes. He won't ever understand you -trust me. And holding these expectations of him will definitely only make you and him unhappy. Don't be passive aggressive and not say a thing - you will regret it later on. Be honest with yourself. Text him back and say you have some things to think about in terms of the relationship and that you'll contact him when you're ready to talk. Now, take this time to think. You can't keep telling him the things you want changed - you already did that and we saw where it went. Has compromising ever worked in the past? In the end, he'll only change if he wants to. If he hasn't by now, then he doesn't want to - straight and simple. And making him understand is something he has to do at his pace - basically, he has to grow up on his own. If you two are clashing of understanding, then you two are at different places and you can't change that. There are things in the relationship you have no control over and you can either accept it as it is or decide that you need to move on in a different direction from him. Up to you. But seriously, a lot of your relationship has my ex written all over it. I acted passive aggressively sometimes too and I regret not being more straight forward.

[savignon]

^^^excellent advice!!!

[Kjv1611ad]

Another example: one of his friends made a pass on my when my bf passed out upstairs. Actually, he was at te top of the stairs an heard the whole thing. It was pretty bad and disrespectful towards me and my bf. My boyfriend did Nothig about it and still chooses to be friends with him. I just called him, nothing was said about yesterday, he TOLD ME he was going to this guys birthday party, asked if I wanted to go. He said he felt obligated. I said why. He didn't know. Cuz he came to his birthday. I said ok, no thanks I'm not gonna go. This guy is a creep and it bothers me he didn't stand up for me. And I'm irrupted his weekend is planned out already both nights and if I want to see him I have to go. He could of told me these things on advance. Am I. Wrong?

[BriarRose]

I think you overreacted. He is not your mother. If you had a bad day it is not his job to cheer you up. I'm sure he has his problems, too. In fact, I find men stay away from me when I get in that mode.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm noticing a pattern of overreaction from you. Because you want to solidify a future together, you are upset that he's not meeting your (unspoken uncommunicated) emotional needs to hear you out or "protect" you from some other guy.

 

 

 

Sadly, he's telling you what's up but you aren't accepting it yet. He doesn't love you the way you love him. Now, in part, it's because of the past drama between you two. But mostly, it's about how he feels about you now and what expectations he has for the relationship. He's not going to keep talking future with you if the present is unpleasant. My advice is to re-examine if this relationship as is can continue working for you. What things can change (outside of changing anything about his behavior) that would make you happy?