What are your feelings toward the other woman/man?

[Cadence_oO]

In light of my ex husband's upcoming nuptials to his former ''other woman'', I've been thinking a lot about my feeling towards her. And I have to say.... they are a little conflicting.

 

I mean, she's not a bad person at all. In fact, has always been nice, very humble towards me, polite, she never crosses boundaries in regards to my daughter and is all a funny, sweet girl. Everyone who knows her, LOVES her, she is intelligent, independent and very charming.

 

One part of me sees that person - the other sees a not so respectful girl who found it acceptable to sleep with someone elses husband?

I also sometimes see a girl my husband chose over me and can't help feeling inadequate.

 

So sometimes when I feel like that I am very cold towards her - it usually happens when someone mentions something great about her and I get kinda angry on the inside.

 

But sometimes I can be entirely nice, thankful that my husband hasn't cheated with some random fling but rather a girl he fell in love with. I am understanding of their love and thankful that we all get along.

 

On one hand I do wish them all the happiness in their marriage, on the other I feel a bit mad that they get a happy ending after what they did.

 

Their wedding is next Saturday... I don't think it'll be a hard day for me because I moved on but I'm a bit nervous as to how I'll feel after it, when she is my husband's new WIFE!

[SapphireNoir10]

Its natural to have conflicting feelings, Im not suprised that you do. There happiness in not guaranteed though, If your husband cheated on you and left you, whats to say he isnt capable of doing the same to her?

 

Its good you wish them all the best though. Your a bigger person than I think I could be in that situation

[lavenderdove]

You have a real conundrum here in that she is a charming person in many ways, but the truth is she also is a homewrecker who was willing to tempt away and cheat with someone else's husband and break up a family with a very young child involved. As i recall, they even had a 'love nest' apartment together. So the truth is she ISN'T that great a person or she never would have taken up with someone else's husband to begin with. You can't mistake charm for character!

 

But regardless of who they are and what they did, you need to put the past behind you so that you can really get on with your life. So their marriage will help do that because your ex husband is definitely a closed book for you after this, and you can just focus on getting on with your life and having a respectful parenting relationship with him for the sake of your daughter, but emotionally just detach from him because that part of you life with him is done.

 

The truth is most marriages where the couple started by cheating are not the blissful unions people think they are as 'love matches', because both parties know full well the other person is capable of cheating and wonder whether they are doing it again with someone else. There is also the element of the other woman being giddy that she has finally bagged her man like a big game trophy. But once the marriage settles into the normal and frequently boring domestic routine, they may both get restless because the high drama of illicit love is no longer stimulating them. That high drama may be what brought them together to begin with, and once that's really gone, the thrill is gone.

 

So don't envy them, because a marriage made on a bed of adultery is usually very fraught with problems of insecurity, lack of trust, and lack of character on both people's parts. So their 'happy ending' may not be nearly so happy in 5 years.

 

But regardless of what happens with them, you need to focus on YOU. You are very young and well able to find another partner, someone who is more trustworthy and probably a better choice for you becuase you are more mature when making the decision of who to marry. Use the time when they have visitation with your daughter to get out and do things and meet people and date, and just have fun! You will meet the right person, and you can hold your head high knowing that you didn't cheat and did your best in the marriage and it ended thru no fault of your own.

 

You have no reason you can't expect a happy and fulfillilng second marriage, so focus on meeting men and finding someone right for you to make your own happy ending!

[bulletproof]

You have a real conundrum here in that she is a charming person in many ways, but the truth is she also is a homewrecker who was willing to tempt away and cheat with someone else's husband and break up a family with a very young child involved. As i recall, they even had a 'love nest' apartment together. So the truth is she ISN'T that great a person or she never would have taken up with someone else's husband to begin with. You can't mistake charm for character!

 

I disagree that someone can "tempt away" someone's husband. He is a grown man who made a choice. I think it's amazing that the o.p. is able to rise above this and make an easier situation for her daughter.

[Mauxly]

I disagree that someone can "tempt away" someone's husband. He is a grown man who made a choice. I think it's amazing that the o.p. is able to rise above this and make an easier situation for her daughter.

 

I agree that the OP is a strong and amazing person for taking the high road. And I agree that her ex husband is a grown man capable of making his own choices. But the choice he made was a profoundly hurtful and selfish one. And the other woman also made a profoundly hurtful and.selfish choice.

 

It can be argued that the marriage was doomed before he ever met the other woman. However, as a full grown adult, he should have made the choice to leave her before shacking up with a new woman. And the other woman should have had enough respect for herself and others to not mess about with a married man.

 

The problem with infidelity is that ever relationship, I don't care how healthy it is, will eb and flow. It will suffer through times if frusteration and boredom, each partner will question at times whether they actually want to be with their spouce. This is normal, and usually time and shared experience will swing the relationship back to a higher state of love.

 

But if there is someone exciting and sparkling new waiting on the sidelines who is willing to interfere, that process doesn't stand a chance.

 

That's why I think both the parties involved with cheating are equally selfish, destructive and.short sighted.

 

I have absolutely no respect for these kinds of people.

I'm glad the OP can look beyond this for the sake of harmony. But she has every right to be resentful.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I disagree that someone can "tempt away" someone's husband. He is a grown man who made a choice. I think it's amazing that the o.p. is able to rise above this and make an easier situation for her daughter.

 

I think what Lavender was getting at was that this woman made a choice to go after someone else's husband. Sure the husband made a choice..and it is very possible that if it had not been this woman it would have been another woman who would have turned on her charms and he would have gone running. However, the fact of the matter is that this woman made a choice to run after/encourage the attentions of, date and sleep with someone she knew was married.

 

has always been nice, very humble towards me, polite, she never crosses boundaries in regards to my daughter and is all a funny, sweet girl. Everyone who knows her, LOVES her, she is intelligent, independent and very charming.

 

Lots of people with bad character are intelligent, independent, act humble, polite, attentive and charming. That is the face they show to the world. However, behind closed doors is another matter. Scratch under the surface and what you have is a woman who pulled out all the stops to nab someone else's husband. So no matter what face she shows to the world, there is a part of her inner core which is lacking in integrity. Both her and your ex, down the road, may not have such a blissful marriage as they both may end up wondering if the other person is cheating on them.

[OptomisticGirl]

You can't temp someone away from a marriage that was not already looking for a way out.

[Mauxly]

You can't temp someone away from a marriage that was not already looking for a way out.

 

Absolutely not true. Did you read my post? I'm not going to rewrite it. But it explains why the tempter is just as bad as the adulter.

 

I was with my fiance for 6 years. He had many ebs and flows during that time. At the 6 year mark he got a beautiful coworker who wouldn't back off. During the day he got to flirt and she her sunny side. At night he got me along with housework, bills and the relative bordom of a stable relationship. He wound up cheating. Destroying us completely.

 

Yes, it was entirely his decision, and he was responsible for his stupid decision. He immediately regreted it, saw his mistake and was devastated. But the damage was done.

 

He wasn't looking for a way out. He had a moment of GIGS. We are still good friends 15 years later and he calls that the single biggest mistake of his life.

 

You absolutely can tempt people who aren't looking for a way out. You can't tempt people who are ridiculously happy in their relationship. But like I said, relationships eb and flow. It is completely unrealistic to expect that anyone will be happy in their relationship 100% of the time.

[OptomisticGirl]

Unhappiness in a relationship does not equate to being vulnerable at that precise moment. Of course you can not be happy in a relationship 100% of the time but to cheat is a DECISION you make. If you are truly committed to the relationship, no amount of someone persuing you will cause you to cheat. I'm sorry. The hottest guy in the world could hit on me during mine and CS's unhappy times and I would not cheat because it's not who I am.

[bulletproof]

If the weak times during a marriage are so weak that any temptation leads someone to stray, then that is not a strong marriage to start with. Unfortunately for the o.p., the woman her husband cheated with did not make a commitment to her. She did not make a commitment to anyone. HE did. She does not owe anyone anything.

 

I also disagree that this incident speaks of this woman's entire character and being. People are not perfect. People are also incredibly irrational when it comes to love (as these boards evidence regularly). I have done many things in my life that I regret but I am not the devil, nor is this woman. What if she volunteers regularly, treats her family well, and is working on a cure for cancer, but she dated a married man? Is she a completely character-less individual then?

 

If only the world were that black and white.

[catfeeder]

What may appear to be happy for a while isn't the real ending. Sweet girl swallowed the poison seed, which releases ever-increasing knowledge that she's married to a guy who owns the capacity to be disloyal to the woman he vowed to love and honor.

 

If you think she won't start suffering the internal consequences of that insecurity before long, don't kid yourself.

 

Then there's hubby who's got the same problem--his wife already demo'd that she doesn't respect wedding vows. He won't be able to trust her around anyone, single or married.

 

They make quite a pair.

[Brownstone322]

On one hand I do wish them all the happiness in their marriage, on the other I feel a bit mad that they get a happy ending after what they did.

Don't be so sure. Give this time, and I'll betcha he cheats on her too (or the other way around).

[Mauxly]

I agree that a strong marriage with an emotionally mature man is not in danger of temptation, even during lulls in the relationship. That's why I don't let men off the hook and completely blame the 'evil temptress' (gender on this is completely interchangeable on this of course).

 

But I strongly disagree that the other woman didn't owe her anything because she wasn't the one who made the commitment. Even if she had never met the wife. In my opinion the bounds of common decency dictate that you respect the commitment of marriage, even if that marriage isn't yours. But, hey, that's just my opinion and that's just how I live my life. To each his own. But you'll never convince me to respect people who engage in this sort of behavior.

 

And yes, mistakes are made, and love is a clusterfrig of powerful emotions that pretty much sets the stage for mistake making. But that doesn't excuse bad behavior.

 

And yeah, in this area I think black and white. And it is because of the mindwarping nature of love/lust that I do. I guess its safer for me to have a zero tolerance stance. Open that door just a little and the next thing you know you've made a mistake that can be devastating for all three people (and the children) involved.

[OptomisticGirl]

I myself have been cheated on in the past and have no tolerance for it. CS would be out the door if he cheated on me and he has been cheated on himself in the past. However, I suppose I don't have that black/white 'it's all the evil temptress' fault or that person owes the victim anything. I never thought the OW with me ex owed me anything. I never thought they 'tempted' him away. Because no matter how much they might have flounced in front of him, it was his decision to stray.

[bulletproof]

In my opinion the bounds of common decency dictate that you respect the commitment of marriage, even if that marriage isn't yours. But, hey, that's just my opinion and that's just how I live my life. To each his own. But you'll never convince me to respect people who engage in this sort of behavior.

 

I don't think you have to respect anyone, just like she doesn't have to respect the commitment of marriage.

[HeartGoesOn]

I mean, she's not a bad person at all. In fact, has always been nice, very humble towards me, polite, she never crosses boundaries in regards to my daughter and is all a funny, sweet girl. Everyone who knows her, LOVES her, she is intelligent, independent and very charming.

 

She may be all of that, but she also crossed a major boundary by knowingly being the other woman to a man who was actively cheating on his wife. When all is said and done, I would say that neither of them found a bargain.

[Cadence_oO]

Don't be so sure. Give this time, and I'll betcha he cheats on her too (or the other way around).

 

Oh, I don't want that. I wouldn't want that for them. At least for the sake of my daughter, who doesn't deserve stepmothers walking in and out of her life.

They seem happy, they seem in love and I hope it stays that way for them. But thats not to say that they didn't get to this point in a horrible way, by being hurtful and selfish.

 

They started the affair when our daughter was one. My xH has a very demanding career and the little time he had off, he was spending with her. I was at home with a baby and never once complained about him never being home.

Before I knew about the affair, we were at the same dinner party with this girl and she looked at me straight in the eyes and pretended to only be acquaintances with my husband when in fact they were sleeping together already.

 

I think she is a nice girl. But the way they both acted in this situation - horrible! Both of them - 50/50 blame.

 

I don't think she's a homewrecking * * * * * , or a horrible * * * * ....but she acted in a hurtful manner towards me and my family.

 

Pheww, I love writing out my feelings, it always puts together my thoughts... and it helps a lot especially since me and her will never be able to talk about this so I will have to work on it by myself.

[Mauxly]

I don't think you have to respect anyone, just like she doesn't have to respect the commitment of marriage.

 

I can't argue with that. We are free to believe and behave however we like.

[OptomisticGirl]

I suppose you have to look at it this way as well. If your xH had come to you and said he wanted out, he already was in love with someone else and they completely waited until your divorce came through, would it be any less hurtful? Would it hurt less knowing even if he hadn't cheated he still would have wanted to be with her?

 

I def. commend you. I remember the few times I ran into the woman my ex cheated on me with. I even at one point refused to have her as my waitress in a resturant and MADE the host move me.

[Brownstone322]

If your xH had come to you and said he wanted out, he already was in love with someone else and they completely waited until your divorce came through, would it be any less hurtful? Would it hurt less knowing even if he hadn't cheated he still would have wanted to be with her?

I'm sure it wouldn't have, but it woulda been more dignified. It woulda been more respectable. It woulda been the "right" thing to do.

 

Even then, ending a marriage because you found someone else is the shallowest of reasons. I can understand becoming unhappy, disillusioned or disenchanted with a relationship. It happens to lots of people in lots of situations. But only a scoundrel trades in his or her spouse on a new model.

[Nikki_]

I also disagree that this incident speaks of this woman's entire character and being. People are not perfect.

 

You're looking at this wrong. You don't have to be a "perfect" human being to know not to have an affair with a married man. You just have to be a half decent human being. Perfection is not necessary.

[lady00]

The whole issue of the other man/other woman not owing the spouse anything is really fascinating to me. I used to agree with that idea. But the more I think about it, the more I think that I do owe other women the common decency of not hitting on their boyfriends/husbands or having an affair with them because it's just not the appropriate way to behave. Just as I think I owe it to a stranger not to run up to her and shove her to the ground (even if I knew there was 100% chance I would never get caught or penalized in any way, I still wouldn't do it), I now believe I owe it to other women not to try to steal their husbands (and I use the word "steal" even thought it's not exactly accurate to describe an affair but I can't think of a better word at the moment).

 

As for this woman's character...people exercise poor judgment sometimes, even if they aren't evil or bad people. She may be a good, productive member of society who has poor judgment from time to time...as do many of us, to varying degrees.

[bulletproof]

You're looking at this wrong. You don't have to be a "perfect" human being to know not to have an affair with a married man. You just have to be a half decent human being. Perfection is not necessary.

 

I may be looking at it differently, but I'm not sure you can say I'm looking at it "wrong" because I don't agree with you. I never said someone has to be perfect. I said that humans are not that one-dimensional and typically aren't defined by one aspect of their existence.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sure it wouldn't have, but it woulda been more dignified. It woulda been more respectable. It woulda been the "right" thing to do.

 

Even then, ending a marriage because you found someone else is the shallowest of reasons. I can understand becoming unhappy, disillusioned or disenchanted with a relationship. It happens to lots of people in lots of situations. But only a scoundrel trades in his or her spouse on a new model.

 

Oh I agree 100%, ending a marriage for that reason would still have been horrible. I was trying to show the OP there was really no way her marriage ending (aside from the he just left her because he was unhappy which, even then I'm sure would have hurt) was not going to hurt in some form, even if they had taken the dignified way.

[Circe]

I agree with lady00.

 

At the very least we can say that the other man or woman is grossly in breach of the "do unto others" principle.