What are your feelings toward the other woman/man?

[FreedomRing]

I agree with this. I suspect this affair probably began much sooner then OP knows about. The pregnancy and marriage happened so quickly into the relationship, that it's no wonder the exH could break his vows so easily; he was never that inevsted/commited to begin with. Men who marry in order to 'do the right thing' vs, bc they're truly in love with the woman, usually do cheat....this is not unusual. Not right either, but definitely common. To say their marriage is doomed bc they were both adulterers is not necessarily true......without any other circumstances involved(pregnancies)perhaps he feels this is the woman he actually wanted to marry.

[Cadence_oO]

I agree with this. I suspect this affair probably began much sooner then OP knows about. The pregnancy and marriage happened so quickly into the relationship, that it's no wonder the exH could break his vows so easily; he was never that inevsted/commited to begin with. Men who marry in order to 'do the right thing' vs, bc they're truly in love with the woman, usually do cheat....this is not unusual. Not right either, but definitely common. To say their marriage is doomed bc they were both adulterers is not necessarily true......without any other circumstances involved(pregnancies)perhaps he feels this is the woman he actually wanted to marry.

 

I understand what you're saying. I actually realize that maybe we weren't ''soul-mates'' but rather two people whose relationship progressed much too quickly out of necessity. Thats not to say that I was not in love with him, I was like crazy, and he was in love with me.

 

Maybe she really is a better fit for him, and maybe she really is the woman he is meant to be with. And that is why the two of them should have had the common decency to tell me, or wait until our marriage is over. It wasn't like they had a month long affair -it was 18 months!

Him telling me that he's leaving me would've hurt like hell (OG) but I would have made peace with it just like I did now, except all the lies and deception wouldn't have stung me.

 

I agree with the poster who said that The other woman does owe something to The wife - just as a person to another person. I believe that I, as a person, owe every other person the right not to hurt them. Especially when they did absolutely nothing to me.

[lavenderdove]

Sorry, but cheating with someone else's husband is not a victimless crime... i've never understood women who justify to themselves why seeing another woman's husband and stealing him away is OK (yes, it is stealing because he has a commitment elsewhere and belongs to his wife for that reason). As long as he is living with her as man and wife and has not asked for a divorce and left her, it is tempting him away from his family bonds and encouraging him to do so.

 

It is quite naive to say a man would never cheat if he was happy at home with the relationship. Life is so much more complicated than that... and marriage is a LONG road where there are many points in life where the person is vulnerable and might be tempted away if someone else actively pursues them. For example, if you're trying really hard to eat right, and someone is following you around the room waving chocolate cake and fetuccinne alfredo under your nose all day, you may really want to diet and not eat that food, but if the right weak and hungry moment happens you may start down the path and eat the whole cake before you know it.

 

Same applies to cheating... especially vulnerable periods in marriage are when the wife if pregnant, when there is an infant or toddler in the house, or when the man enters middle age. Women are frequently not as interested in sex due to the discomforts of pregnancy and the exhaustion of rearing a young child, and some men are very conflicted during that time because their former sex partner has just turned into a mother. If another woman comes along and seriously goes after the husband, many otherwise good men DO cheat then, as well as when they hit middle age and start to doubt their prowess etc.

 

So there are vulnerabilities in marriage, and even the strongest people and strongest marriages can fall prey to this. Everyone tells themselves 'it won't happen to us' becuase they want to be safe, but one has to be vigilant as times progresses and during troubled times, which everyone WILL have at various points in a marriage.

 

So i think to say that Cadence's marriage must have been inferior somehow just because he never would have cheated otherwise is a backhanded insult to her and the marriage and a naive way of looking at the world because many strong marriages can distintegrate at certain vulnerable periods of time or if assailed by the right tempter or temptress at a vulnerable time.

 

Cadence's husband and this other woman DO have to take responsibility for the fact that the other woman was ready, willing, and able to start up with a married man she knew had a wife and young child at home, AND the husband was weak enough to go for it with her and betray his wife rather than turn away from the other woman and towards his wife to resolve any stress he might have felt with a new baby at home and focus on the baby rather than himself. Sadly, many men compare the boredom/routine of family life and the stress of their jobs against the siren song of a woman they can escape into a hot and sexy affair with, and start an affair... they may regret it deeply later, but were tempted by the idea of a lot of hot sex with a willing new woman as a counterpoint to a wife who is cranky from staying up all night with a sick screeching baby at home and wants him to help with the baby rather than just wine and dine and have sex with no wailing infants in sight or garbage to take out or dishes to do, like a mistress can do.

 

I suspect the exhusband's new marriage will be just fine until a new infant and domestic routine/boredom enters their lives and the wife has full time responsibility for children just like his first wife... that is when these affair-based marriages usually disintegrate and history repeats itself. Yes it is true that perhaps he and his new wife are better suited to each other, BUT it is equally likely that once she turns into a wife and mother, he'll again balk at the boredom and demands of domestic routine and the new marriage will be no better than the old one was.

 

So Cadence shouldn't compare herself to the new wife and think perhaps she is 'missing' something the other woman had... the new wife was originally able to offer high excitement and be powdered and perfumed and anxiously waiting him and trying to please him at a time when Cadence was at home putting her efforts into caring for their infant and hence not hanging on his every word like he was a Love God. Once that shoe is on the other foot and the new wife has kids of her own to care for, the new wife may realize the impact of what she did and perhaps at that time apologize to Cadence. I've seen that happen many times myself, where ex-wives commisserate over repeated history.

 

i think Cadence is handling this VERY well under the circumstances and is being fair when she tries to see the woman's other good qualities. But she does have a very strong right to feel angry that they schemed behind her back and this woman was WILLING to take her husband when she should have been refusing him and telling him to work it out with his wife before going with her.

 

So Cadence's task really is to just put it behind her as quickly as possible and work on finding a new partner for herself because of the events that transpired and can't be undone. But she does have a right to very valid feelings of anger and irritation at this, and no one should imply that it was somehow her fault or her 'bad' marriage that made him cheat or leave, nor to try to find a logical argument for saying the other woman didn't tempt him to cheat with her because that is exactly what she did... Cadence had nothing at all to do with that, and her marriage may have been fine before this other woman decided she wanted someone else's husband and was willing to engage in an affair with him to get him at a vulnerable time when they had a new baby at home and all the stress and domestic routine that brings.

[OptomisticGirl]

Everything happens for a reason Cadence. And while they might have hurt you (which I do agree, they could have done it a lot more dignified and NOT hurt you as much) perhaps it was best. Perhaps she was right for him and you will now find a guy that is right for you. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but I agree with Lavander. Don't compare your marriage with him to their marriage, it's not going to do well for yourself.

 

They very well could live happily ever after and you find a great guy to do the same with. Just because they cheated doesn't mean their marriage will fall apart but I'm sure they have their own issues to work through because of it.

[Starrgrl]

I don't blame the girl completely, since it's the guy that's in a committed relationship. However, it is completely wrong that they are involved with a married man, I mean damn, have some morals. There are so many single men, why be involved with somebody taken? Have some empathy, I doubt they would like to be the one being cheated on. People are way to selfish these days.

[Raoul]

I don't think you have to respect anyone, just like she doesn't have to respect the commitment of marriage.

 

So we live in a world where its all about me. I do what I want and do not do anything I don't want.

 

I owe no one nothing, need respect no boundaries so long as its what I want right now.

 

There are no consequences for my actions, so long as I get what I want. The consequences that others experience as a result of what I do are strictly other peoples' problems, not mine.

 

So its about a war of all against all, survival of the most ruthless and egotistical among us.

 

I'm glad I was a combat soldier for six years. I am trained and experienced in how to live in your world.

 

Are you?

 

 

Raoul

[Cadence_oO]

So they got married yesterday. Our daughter was the flower girl and simply gorgeous! So precious! And she was so excited the whole day, she had a blast.

 

I came to pick her up when it was late and she was falling off her feet. It was a really beautiful wedding. The bride was stunning and she and my xH looked so happy....radiant. It looked like everyone was having fun and enjoying the day.

 

I bought them this really beautiful digital photo frame that was on their registry. They came to greet me, I congratulated them and even had some cake lol and went off.

 

Sooo....to close the whole story up. I hope they enjoy their honeymoon and their subsequent life together, I hope they have a nice family, I hope we continue to have a nice relationship, I hope Alexis enjoys her childhood, gets along with her stepmother and know that she's lucky to have so many people who love her so deeply and would do anything for her.

 

I'm grateful for my marriage, I'm grateful for my husband who gave me the most precious gift in the world - my daughter. I'm grateful I have such a beautiful happy child with whom I am so close. I'm grateful that I learned so much from my experience - first and foremost how strong I can be and how much I can handle and to value being independent.

 

They did what they did and they are to live with it, my conscience is clear. I don't think they are bad people because of that but they did a bad thing - and they will be judged for that by a higher power, not me.

 

And I have a good feeling that one day (emphasis on one day, not anytime soon) I will also find a person who will be worth trusting and saying ''I do'' again. But now is not my time yet.

[lady00]

Wow. You are a class act. I don't know if I would have gotten them a gift in your shoes, but it was definitely the classy thing to do. I think the most important thing out of all of this is that your daughter can see there is no ill will between you and her father and that is far more than can be said for many ex couples and their kids. I am curious about what they will tell her when she's old enough and asks how they met, but that's a bridge they'll have to cross when they come to it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm glad everything worked out. Def. A classy act getting them a gift. Most women wouldnt. It's goimg to be a hard road, no doubt, but I'm confident you can navigate.

[n83]

Cadence,

 

That other woman should hope and pray that one day she is half the woman you are. You have such grace and class. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong mother. But please don't make yourself a total martyr to this situation. Get counseling if you need to. You are outwardly behaving MORE than kindly towards them, but there has to be anger deep down that you should deal with appropriately. Wishing you the best moving forward from here.

[ClaraBlue]

I hate her. I have never met her but I despise her with a passion knowing she slept with my husband. I hate him for it too. Like you, I have conflicting feelings -- because in a way she fascinates me though I've never met her. Fascinates me because she obviously attracted my husband. Unfortunately I asked for and got a lot of details I now wish I did not know. Ultimately though I hate her.

 

I wrote her a letter once saying that if she ever gets married one day, I hope husband doesn't do the same to her but in a way I hope she does get tjh same treatment.

 

I never did send that letter either.

[Zuzu2]

I disagree that someone can "tempt away" someone's husband. He is a grown man who made a choice. I think it's amazing that the o.p. is able to rise above this and make an easier situation for her daughter.

 

I once had a guy who is a serial cheater tell me that a woman cannot make a man cheat. It is always his choice.

[annie24]

Cadence - you are one classy lady. everyone is very lucky that you are as strong as you are. i wish good things for you too.

 

i think it's more than normal to have conflicting feelings. at some point though, it's just not worth holding onto the negative feelings. (no matter what you say about her, I hate his new wife, lol!!!) both her and him did something pretty terrible. but what's done is done and there's no point driving yourself crazy over it anymore.