Family has problem with girl I'm dating.... :(

[ny guy]

So, I have been dating a girl for about 1.5-2 months now. In a previous thread, I had noticed that she is big into pictures, actually when we first met, she had taken a picture of us. I was weirded out a bit, but I didn't make a big deal of it. Later, she realized that it was a bit odd herself, as her friends called her out on it.

 

Anyway, she is big into pictures in general, which is why I kind of dismissed the picture on the first day. The only real problem is that she has a LOT of pictures on facebook. Many of these are of herself and it comes off as superficial. I know her pretty well so far, and I've been able to see past this. She is a really nice girl, and she's got a good family and nice friends.

 

I have a big problem though. Some of the pictures on facebook were somewhat suggestive, as in she was wearing some skimpy clothing sometimes.

 

 

My family saw these pictures and has been turned off significantly, even though they haven't met her. I completely understand why they'd be turned off. The hard part is, I know she is a nice girl. On the other side, I have to question why she feels the need to portray herself in this way on facebook.

 

 

The root of my problem is that my family, primarily my mother, wants nothing to do with this girl. Honestly, I can't blame them for how they feel. Had i not known this girl at all, and I looked at her facebook, I'd probably draw the same conclusion. Also, having my whole family's approval for who I am dating is, I guess (why i'm talking about this), is important to me.

 

 

Here's the issue. I thought the primary reason that my mother was turned off was because this girls religion was different from mine. It is very important to me as well, but I'm not going to stop dating someone because of the religion, I would want to see how important it is to them, and if they will accept mine primarily (catholic). So, for a while and even now, I'm not speaking to my mother. I repeatedly asked her to tell me whats wrong, but she did not say. So, I spoke to this girl about the religion and we came to an agreement on that. Like I said, this is a deal breaker for myself.

 

So, things have been really good with this girl, and I definitely see something special coming along. Now, I realized that my family saw the facebook pictures. I literally found out after I just spoke to the girl and we both agreed that we have something special going on.

 

 

Ahhhhh....

 

Also, for the past two years, during my work busy season, I had delt with my internal emotions from my ex g/f. I really want a busy season that I don't have to deal with any emotions. I'm seriously considering stopping things with this girl because I don't want to cause drama at my house and have that spill over into my work/career. Only thing is I'm wondering how I can say it, when I literally just said that I see something special.

 

 

I was considering being just up front and honest about how my family feels, but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. Then again, if I say anything else, it won't make sense at all to her.

 

 

What should I do? ](*,)

[TidalWave]

Now this may sound weird, but in a perfect world, your mother is just another girl. You don't need her permission to do anything or be with anyone. If she wants to play games with you then just move out. You should not allow anyone to play games with you regardless of their status.

 

I suggest you go your own way and shape your own life according to your believes and thoughts. No-one has right to stand in your way when going after happiness. NO-ONE.

[catfeeder]

What prompted your family to access to the FB page of someone they don't even know?

 

If you want privacy in your love life, you'll need to learn discretion. Don't blab about the women you date until you get to know them over time and decide that the relationship has enough legs to make proper introductions to your family. Then they'll get to know her at face value instead of facebook, and you'll have given both the woman and yourself enough intimacy with one another to discuss what FB information should be shared with one another's families.

[rocio]

Now this may sound weird, but in a perfect world, your mother is just another girl.

 

Yes, that does sound weird. Very weird.

[lonelyandblue]

It sounds like a good idea to break off this relationship and to follow the above advice for any further future contacts.

[ny guy]

What prompted your family to access to the FB page of someone they don't even know?

 

If you want privacy in your love life, you'll need to learn discretion. Don't blab about the women you date until you get to know them over time and decide that the relationship has enough legs to make proper introductions to your family. Then they'll get to know her at face value instead of facebook, and you'll have given both the woman and yourself enough intimacy with one another to discuss what FB information should be shared with one another's families.

 

Because the girl posted on my fb page, and I'm sure they're curious.

 

Living at home, and being as close with my family as I am, relationship privacy is very difficult.

[rocio]

This does show a lack of wisdom on her part. With all the media hype about facebook privacy, you would think people would be more discerning. An employer could look her up on facebook and this could certainly prevent her from landing a desired job. People have the right to live their personal lives as they see fit. But once they start flaunting their personal life in public, they open themselves up to judgement and scrutiny.

 

You family has every right to screen your potential partners in this case. You seek their approval, you made this information available to them. What did you expect? Presumably you'd seen her fb pictures before your family. Presumably you were able to predict their reaction. You could have unfriended her, deleted her posts to your account, or requested that she increase her security settings.

 

This wasn't just a coincidence. It's a situation that you should have seen coming in advance.

[PaintWithLight]

You have a couple of issues here. First, you need to increase the boundaries of relationship privacy with your family. Just because you start spending time with someone new, they do not need to weigh in with their opinions at such an early stage. My god, it has only been a couple of months. Learn to be more selective of what you share and in you are going to have nosey family on FB then increase your privacy settings so they are not reviewing every posting.

 

Second, the girl may be nice but she sounds like she has an attention addiction. The provocative photos, which you say are not the real her, are how she has determined that the world and others see her. It is not a photo addiction, it is all about the attention - look at me! I dated a girl one time and we would barely be home from a weekend away, and she would already have photos uploaded on FB. She was living here from South America so it was her way of saying: how you like me now?? to all her chicas back home. Very unsettling to be part of that kind of rivalry and competition. You need to ask her what is up with all the posting of photos.

 

Secondly, religion... OMG. You are Catholic and she is .....? You are just dating this girl and getting to know her. The religion issue will have to be addressed if you two begin to get more serious. In the meantime, it is still early days so just relax and get to know her.

 

You really need to cut the apron strings with your family. As a man, you have to begin distancing yourself from your mother's and family's approval on all that you do. Perhaps you might consider moving out and having the space and privacy you need. It sounds like your family is much too intrusive in your love life.

[TidalWave]

You really need to cut the apron strings with your family. As a man, you have to begin distancing yourself from your mother's and family's approval on all that you do. Perhaps you might consider moving out and having the space and privacy you need. It sounds like your family is much too intrusive in your love life.

 

This. .

[ny guy]

Thanks for the input everyone. You know what, you're all spot on.

 

I am just trying to figure out the best way to break this off. I think straight up honesty will be my best way to go

[abitbroken]

BTW, just out of curiosity, if your family is Catholic, what religion is she that is so far flung that your family won't accept? Also, is your mom really "opposed" to it or did she just make a little comment like "ooh...she's ___, that will be a difficult one, son." By the way, I really think this is pretty premature to break up with her because of your family's disapproval. They have not MET her and formed an opinion. I was with someone whose family's reaction was to automatically dislike someone until they can prove themselves. Just because you are living with them, your parents do NOT have a say in who you date. They only have a say of what goes on in their house - i.e, no overnight guests, and if they meet her and don't like her they can tell you that you can't entertain guests at their home (not hang out). You have to date people and decide for yourself who you want to date. If you make mistakes sometimes and end up going out with someone who is not a good fit with you mentally, etc, then that is how you learn to identify what sort of girl is best for you (and it doesn't have to do with clothes, etc, it is deeper than that).

 

It is hard to say if she is a narcissist by having lots of pics on facebook - it seems all of my younger cousins - age 14 to 25 post 25 million photos on FB all the time. While you are a more private person perhaps, it seems to be a "thing" that people do. I wouldn't automatically label her with an attention-seeking problem unless you get to know her and she acts that way in person.

 

I know you have made up your mind - but you have to rock the boat sometime to grow. Someone on paper could have everything your parents want and then they'll find some small detail that they don't like and pick nits.

 

Also - one tip - I would privatize some of your Facebook stuff. I would limit which friends could see your wall photos (you can do that in privacy settings).

[rocio]

You're breaking up with an otherwise lovely girl just because of her fb pictures? Be careful about being too picky. You mom might cook you nice meals but she can't keep you warm at night.

[Ms Darcy]

What prompted your family to access to the FB page of someone they don't even know?

 

If you want privacy in your love life, you'll need to learn discretion. Don't blab about the women you date until you get to know them over time and decide that the relationship has enough legs to make proper introductions to your family. Then they'll get to know her at face value instead of facebook, and you'll have given both the woman and yourself enough intimacy with one another to discuss what FB information should be shared with one another's families.

 

You have a couple of issues here. First, you need to increase the boundaries of relationship privacy with your family. Just because you start spending time with someone new, they do not need to weigh in with their opinions at such an early stage. My god, it has only been a couple of months. Learn to be more selective of what you share and in you are going to have nosey family on FB then increase your privacy settings so they are not reviewing every posting.

 

Second, the girl may be nice but she sounds like she has an attention addiction. The provocative photos, which you say are not the real her, are how she has determined that the world and others see her. It is not a photo addiction, it is all about the attention - look at me! I dated a girl one time and we would barely be home from a weekend away, and she would already have photos uploaded on FB. She was living here from South America so it was her way of saying: how you like me now?? to all her chicas back home. Very unsettling to be part of that kind of rivalry and competition. You need to ask her what is up with all the posting of photos.

 

Secondly, religion... OMG. You are Catholic and she is .....? You are just dating this girl and getting to know her. The religion issue will have to be addressed if you two begin to get more serious. In the meantime, it is still early days so just relax and get to know her.

 

You really need to cut the apron strings with your family. As a man, you have to begin distancing yourself from your mother's and family's approval on all that you do. Perhaps you might consider moving out and having the space and privacy you need. It sounds like your family is much too intrusive in your love life.

 

I agree with these posts. I would also venture a guess that this girl is very attractive to you. If you wonder why she'd post pictures like that, know that it has to do with the fact that she gets approval for it. You're dating her. Other guys are interested. Etc. These things don't happen in a vacuum.

[annie24]

Thanks for the input everyone. You know what, you're all spot on.

 

I am just trying to figure out the best way to break this off. I think straight up honesty will be my best way to go

 

I'm wondering why you are breaking up with your gf/woman you are dating? Just because your family doesn't like her facebook page? Because it sounds like things are fine right now with you and her. I completely agree with "cutting the apron strings." Fact is, your mom isn't going to like who you date and isn't going to think that the girl is good enough even if she is a princess with an M.D. and serves soup to the homeless on weekends. that's just what moms of boys are like. Time to decide if YOU like her. Religion can be worked out later, I don't see this as a 'right now' dealbreaker unless there are some extreme issues.

[sweetpea03]

I think there is a lot more going on than her just liking to take pictures, I think she craves attention. That to me would cause future problems. I have a hard time being friends with girls like that because they always want to one up people and are always seeking approval. In the future though, I would pull away from your mother and family. You need to make the decision of if the girl is right for you or not.

[ny guy]

I think there is a lot more going on than her just liking to take pictures, I think she craves attention. That to me would cause future problems. I have a hard time being friends with girls like that because they always want to one up people and are always seeking approval. In the future though, I would pull away from your mother and family. You need to make the decision of if the girl is right for you or not.

 

True.

 

Thing is, yea the picture part and attention getting stuff does bother me. Like, why is it necessary in the first place. She'd probably stop doing it if I asked her to, but why do it in the first place.

 

It doesn't make a good first impression (obviously). Personally, I think it's an immaturity thing.

 

I'm not going to do anything yet. I'm going to just sit on it for now. Actually, the other day we became exclusive (not bf/gf). I am considering pulling back and opening up the relationship. That may be a better alternative rather than just picking up and going. She is a nice girl.

 

I am trying to cut the strings, but it's kinda hard to get serious with someone when your whole family has a bad impression of that person.

[annie24]

i would say that your family hasn't given a fair impression of her because they haven't met her in person.

 

i'm not sure that suddenly 'pulling back and opening the relationship' is the answer here. i would find it very weird and confusing and upsetting, honestly. and it avoids the basic problem here.

[ny guy]

What sux is for the past two years, during my work's busy season, I've dealt with emotional issues from my now ex-gf. Those were just because I wasn't in love with her, but I tried.

 

 

Now, it really gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

I'm just getting tired of that feeling, and it happening during a time when I need my focus the most.

[catfeeder]

What sux is for the past two years, during my work's busy season, I've dealt with emotional issues from my now ex-gf. Those were just because I wasn't in love with her, but I tried.

 

 

Now, it really gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

I'm just getting tired of that feeling, and it happening during a time when I need my focus the most.

 

You don't need to stay with someone just because you've been asked questions about your reasons for wanting out. The good folks here are just trying to understand whether your motivation is pressure from your family. All relationships are voluntary--it only takes wanting to get out to get out, you don't need a 'case' that anyone else approves of.

 

Regardless, I would block any family members who raised objections to your choice of GF. I'd do it without discussion--it would be up to them to approach me about it if they want to. In that event, I'd explain that I feel my lines of privacy were crossed and it taught me that I need to start practicing discretion. If I have anything private I wish to share for feedback, I'll be sure to let them know.

[ny guy]

As far as my living situation goes, at this time, moving out is not really an option. I do want to stay home so I can save money for down the road. Hard part is, I don't have much support from my siblings to go on. I really don't have anyone close in my family to talk to objectively. Here's the thing, recently, someone close to the family passed away, and my mom was deeply affected by it. I'm not sure if this is the reason my mom does not want to talk to me about this. It feels very manipulative, and I hate how much I let this get to me. I guess I'm just looking to have support from someone for this relationship. I do value their opinions, and I know they really have my best interests. But I can't help but think that they may be judging too soon.

 

I actually went to work today just to avoid being home.

 

I really don't want to make a rash decision on emotion. I want to see if things will calm down in time. I also don't want them to think that I'm dating this girl out of spite.

 

 

Regarding this girl, I definitely feel myself pulling back a bit. I'm not sure if she notices. I'm just trying to think of what I'm going to say if she says something. I mean, it's only been about 2 months, and we went exclusive. I'm trying to think of what my options are.

 

 

1) Keep dating and try to deal with opposition/being ignored at home, see if time helps anything at all. I may not be able to keep it together, and she may get doubtful about how I'm acting.

 

2) Try to pull back without saying anything, she may question my intentions. We have been very slow on the sexual side, which I'm glad for. I didn't want this to be a rebound for both of us.

 

3) Use the career/work card and that I haven't been single long card (I been broken up for about 4 months). But I've also said I was over that relationship. I haven't really had much time to be single though, honestly. Say that I'm not really comfortable with us becoming exclusive anymore.

 

4) Just state the complete truth. I think that if we had any long term potential, this would throw a huge wrench into it, she would realize that why I was acting weird was because I let my family manipulate my emotions and actions. I'm sure this'd be a huge turnoff.

 

 

 

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult. Also, I'm not really the best at dealing with my emotions, which is pretty much why I joined this site. It's cathartic to write it out.

I just don't know why I let this affect me so much.

[ny guy]

I know I'm making this wayyy more complicated now, but here goes.

 

Could my emotions just be clouding my judgement here? This girl is a nice girl, but I think I'm making this sound way too simple. She hangs out with a lot of guys in different circles of friends that 'like' her. She has told me that these guys like her. What is your take on this?

 

 

Also, if we do have something potentially substantial, I'm not sure if I should make this a serious relationship, b/c my dating/relationship experience is not the most extensive.

 

 

Plus, there was a hostess at a restaurant I go to a lot for lunch that has caught my eye a long time ago. I've always had the urge to ask her out, but I don't think I would while I am exclusive with someone else. I just saw her the other day, and she really looks like a nice and sweet girl. Our eyes met, and I just felt something then, and I think from her look, she saw something too. Before this, I never wanted to ask her out, becuase my work buddies and I frequent this restaurant so often, and in the off chance i got rejected, it'd be awkward from then on.

 

 

 

Sooo....I just made this much more complicated. But that's what's going through my head. I think I let the girl i'm currently seeing convince me to declare exclusivity too soon most likely. Fortunately, we're not bf/gf yet though. Yes I'm a little crazy haha. I should probably take things easy and see what I really want. I think my emotions are making me think irrationally.

[catfeeder]

[...] Hard part is, I don't have much support from my siblings to go on. I really don't have anyone close in my family to talk to objectively. [...] I guess I'm just looking to have support from someone for this relationship. I do value their opinions, and I know they really have my best interests. But I can't help but think that they may be judging too soon.

 

Here's the biggest lesson you don't want to take the long road and the hard way to learn--your family will never be 'objective' about your love life. Period. They are NOT the people to go to for counsel on this particular aspect of your life--and for good reason. Every negative or potentially negative thing you mention about your GF, a potential GF or a casual date will be registered irrevocably with those who love you. And it can never be undone. And it will haunt you and GF for the duration. And it will make you ALL miserable.

 

Case in point; say I get in a fight with BF and go running to my Mom and sister to confide. They take my complaints seriously and now hate BF. I kiss and make up with BF. They do not. They're now angry with me for going back to someone who would treat me that way, and BF will never stand a chance with them--ever again. If I opt to marry BF, I will face fake smiles of congrats while my entire family hears what a poor choice I've made and how I'm ruining my life. My wedding plans will be a nightmare as drama comes out sideways in a manner I'm unable to connect with direct resistance, and I've paved the way for my future husband to suffer a very uncomfortable relationship with 'these people' who love me but are hostile and passive aggressive toward my life choices forever more.

 

Don't do it. Take your relationship struggles to a friend, a therapist, a pastor, a priest, a mentor, this board--ANYbody who is not emotionally tied to an investment in any 'ideal' outcomes they hold for you and view as directly impacting themselves.

 

As for whether to break up with this girl, unless you're able to establish enough patience and peace of mind to ride this out and see where it goes, then just let the girl--and yourself--off the hook. You don't need a 'case,' there is no judge or jury. You can say you're having some family struggles right now and this has put a damper on your ability to be a good BF, and you want to end it. That's all the detail you need.

[ny guy]

You're right, I'm going to take this as a really big lesson.

 

I'm going to break up tomorrow actually. With my living situation, and my career, I really need to keep my career as a priority. Fortunately, this relationship is in it's early stages, so it hopefully won't hurt her so bad. It's just not worth it to me to go through the drama at home during my busy season when I must keep my focus highest. I'm thinking long term. The more I stay focused, the quicker I can get out of my house into a good situation (my own house) and really start to have my own life. I don't want to rent. I want my own place. I've got a decent amount saved thus far.

 

I do feel bad for this girl, I feel really bad. She does not deserve this, but a decision has to be made. She's been through a lot in her own life actually, as of late.

 

From the beginning of my career, three years ago, I was in a relationship that eventually consumed me emotionally. It definitely affected me socially and performance wise at work in the past. I really need to be able to put 100% of myself into my career for now, and otherwise, just have fun. No relationship should be difficult.

 

 

I really sound like I'm trying to justify this to myself, huh?

 

Again, thanks for the good advice. I will be sure to do my best to learn from this, and to eventually be my own person.

[The_Seeker]

So true. LOL That made me laugh, alby10!

[ny guy]

So true. LOL That made me laugh, alby10!

 

Holy crap, I'm a momma's boy! ahhhhh

 

Seriously though, what do I do now. It's in motion. I already said I have something to talk to her about tomorrow. Her mind must be def going in that direction (breakup).

 

At this point, it's a lesson learned. I don't see any point in flip flopping any more. It's just mental torture to this girl.