Family has problem with girl I'm dating.... :(

[Ms Darcy]

I really need to be able to put 100% of myself into my career for now, and otherwise, just have fun. No relationship should be difficult.

 

 

I really sound like I'm trying to justify this to myself, huh?

 

Yes, you do sound like you are trying to justify yourself. I think you aren't really into these relationships (including your last gf), and you should just be single for a while. No problem focusing on your career.

[Lonewing]

Yes, that does sound weird. Very weird.

 

And yet, totally true - So totally true its the best advice here!

[ny guy]

Hmmm...should I change my screen name? I'm not such a 'NY guy' hahah!

 

It's so easy to give out the advice, but sometimes the hardest part is taking it and putting it to use. I am a great example of it lol

 

Seriously though, I feel that if this girl was truly the right one for me, these things would not be such an issue overall. It wouldn't be so much trouble. There is much more than just the issue of me seeking my family's approval. This relationship was built upon primarily physical attraction. Probably the typical rebound relationship.

[Lonewing]

True.

 

Thing is, yea the picture part and attention getting stuff does bother me. Like, why is it necessary in the first place. She'd probably stop doing it if I asked her to, but why do it in the first place.

 

It doesn't make a good first impression (obviously). Personally, I think it's an immaturity thing.

 

I'm not going to do anything yet. I'm going to just sit on it for now. Actually, the other day we became exclusive (not bf/gf). I am considering pulling back and opening up the relationship. That may be a better alternative rather than just picking up and going. She is a nice girl.

 

I am trying to cut the strings, but it's kinda hard to get serious with someone when your whole family has a bad impression of that person.

 

Her delight in pictures is no different than those who take delight in absolute reclusiveness - it's not a sign of maturity, it's a sign of personality. And she like pictures, she likes herself, and she likes the reactions she gets from other people She's very attractive and SHE'S WITH YOU. Think about that for a moment - nice girl, very attractive, she could choose anybody?

 

Everybody has their quirks...I personally don't see what your issues are...although, seieng as how you're still attached to your family, and you're still wondering why others do things like they do, and then approve/disapprove[JUDGE][and command the world withint your sphere to be more similar to your way of doing things] instead of living and let living, perhaps you need to work on your maturity a bit - hence, the break may be good for you.

 

But then, you said you and her already worked out the religion issue, and EVEN came to a compromise. Granted, it's too early to know if it's a sincere compromise, or if it's fair to both of you, but that's a pretty big hurdle to cover. It's possible that you may outgrow your phase...and when your busy season is over, then what? You'll have your own place, but...well, you'll be out looking, blowing the money you made not being with someone!

 

Yes, a relationship is emotional, but you have to learn how to train your emotions so that you don't let any one aspect of your life so entirely consume you that you're no good for anything else in that same period. It's called Balance - and you may be able to provide her with just as much as she can provide you in this upmonth swing - there's nothing better to come home to after a hard day's work then the love of a good woman. And I don't mean physical, I mean basic human compassion. It might still not work out, but that's ok too - just take it slow this next month or so - your work isn't going to consume your weekends too, is it? If so, watch out for Burnout!!!

[ny guy]

Her delight in pictures is no different than those who take delight in absolute reclusiveness - it's not a sign of maturity, it's a sign of personality. And she like pictures, she likes herself, and she likes the reactions she gets from other people She's very attractive and SHE'S WITH YOU. Think about that for a moment - nice girl, very attractive, she could choose anybody?

 

Everybody has their quirks...I personally don't see what your issues are...although, seieng as how you're still attached to your family, and you're still wondering why others do things like they do, and then approve/disapprove[JUDGE][and command the world withint your sphere to be more similar to your way of doing things] instead of living and let living, perhaps you need to work on your maturity a bit - hence, the break may be good for you.

 

I definitely think I need to work on my emotional maturity, and how I deal with these things.

 

It totally sounds like a cop-out, but it's not. I don't want to make it sound like I'm reaching for excuses. For the past three years (definitely the past two), I've been working during my busy season with emotional stress. I've driven to my jobs crying on the way there, when I thought about my relationship. It was my previous relationship where I thought everything was right with the girl, but in my heart it didn't feel right. You know what though, the 'family' approved of this girl. Go figure. On paper she was great. I just didn't feel it and I tried to force it. They never at all forced me into that relationship, because after a period of time, they knew I wasn't 100% into it.

[Lonewing]

I definitely think I need to work on my emotional maturity, and how I deal with these things.

 

It totally sounds like a cop-out, but it's not. I don't want to make it sound like I'm reaching for excuses. For the past three years (definitely the past two), I've been working during my busy season with emotional stress. I've driven to my jobs crying on the way there, when I thought about my relationship. It was my previous relationship where I thought everything was right with the girl, but in my heart it didn't feel right. You know what though, the 'family' approved of this girl. Go figure. On paper she was great. I just didn't feel it and I tried to force it. They never at all forced me into that relationship, because after a period of time, they knew I wasn't 100% into it.

 

You put far too much weight on this 'family approval.' How about you start living your own life for once and get over it? I don't mean to sound so coarse or short, but, really, what do they know about your emotional happiness?

 

My last girl, I used to think about her a lot when I went to work, and on the way home, and always made me happy to think of them.

 

Here's a good test, then, if your heart is so sound: putting everything aside, including your work,your family, her pictures, her habits; how does your heart feel about this relationship? Or more, how do you feel when you are with this girl? Because now, whereas before you were trying to force yourself into it, it seems you're trying to force yourself out of it based upon the past insecurities.

 

You may be able to back things off to "not exclusive" but keep her your main item. She may very well run off with someone else, which may be your family fears, but you could also leave it lay like that and if she's really interested in you, she may stick around for the long haul. And in a couple months, you may be through being ridiculous and have the head on your shoulder to accept her for who she is and move on from that point.

 

You may be measuring your girls and your relationships by the wrong qualities. Granted, investments and mergers are very similar, they may look great on paper but never pan out in the long run. Or look horrible on paper, and succeed...or fail, like forecasted. It's up to you.

[ny guy]

Lonewing, thanks for the input.

 

I definitely spoke too quickly on this. I'm going to be seeing her today or talking on the phone. I can't see cutting this off completely, but I'll see if I can back it off from exclusivity to being friendly.

 

And I just changed my privacy settings on facebook. Don't know why I just didn't do this in the first place.

[ny guy]

Alright. So I just spoke to her. I definitely came off as a bi-polar crazy guy, and she's hurt. I feel like such an a$#hole.

 

I don't see this ever turning into anything now though. If someone ever acted like this to me, I would not give them a second chance. It's a lesson learned in many things, doing best to keep certain things private, not acting on my emotions so quickly, not promising too much too soon, and trying to think about things on my own and draw my own conclusions.

 

I definitely had too many thoughs going through my mind at once, but still acted and made a decision.

[annie24]

what did you say to her??

[ny guy]

what did you say to her??

 

It went a little like this. I answered and she was like what the hell is going on? So, I just started. I said that I had been thinking about things. That I haven't really had enough time to myself, to be happy by myself. Also, that for the past two years I've worked through my busy season with internal stress from my previous relationship. I apolagized for leading her on. She didn't cry at all on the phone, she sounded more mad. She was mad that she had opened herself up to me. She also implied that I betrayed her trust, since she said that she made it a point not to trust people so easily. She had said to me why didn't I bring this up when we spoke on the phone late at night a few nights ago. I really didn't have a good answer for that.

 

There was a lot of silence on this phone call. Afterwards, I wondered whether it would have made more sense if I told the complete truth. I just didn't think that was worth it, b/c that would come off as an insult to her, which I didn't want to do.

 

I feel really bad, but I kinda see how this was a sort of a rebound for me (I'm about 4 months out of prev r/ship). I know she is a nice girl, BUT was the complete opposite of my previous girlfriend. Looking back, most of our interactions were based upon physical attraction. We spoke about sexual stuff pretty early on I think. I did not have sex with her, but we had a few sexual encounters, although none benefitted me (doesn't make it right, but just saying). There were many red flags about this relationship. I think I got taken in by the fact that she was very attractive and we did have a good connection, and she is a really nice girl. Honestly, the suggestive pictures that she posted are not something that I would want my g/f to do, ever (unless they were shared between us, of course!). It's just not a classy thing to me. I'm not a showy person and I wouldn't want my s/o to be flaunting for that kind of attention. Some of her pictures would get these comments from different guys that were sometimes suggestive themselves.

 

 

At the end of the day, I think I may have done the right thing. One thing I do know for sure is I probably could have gone about this in a better way.

[abitbroken]

I would have been mad too - it sounds like you gave her an excuse. The whole "I need the busy time of year to deal with my pain of my ex girlfriend of two years ago" really isn't the reason why you broke it off. It is because your family didn't approve even though they did not meet her. Honesty helps us grow. If you had come clean and told her the real reason - well it might have sounded no less bad to her, but verbalizing things out in the open helps you grow. The truth is ALWAYS the best option. I think there are also "nicer" ways to tell the truth. You don't need to say it in a rude way. The nice way is to talk IN PERSON about things and to discuss what has been eating at you. Dropping bombs over phone and text are not cool unless someone is abusive and you need to be physically away from them but that's different. You have sent her very mixed messages by judging her photos and thinking that she is too sexually forward, but yet you are showing your approval by messing around/making out with her. When a guy makes out with a girl and then tells her that they are not compatible because she is too "loose," it looks like he is just a big jerk or was taking advantage of her. I think in fact that you were enjoying yourself and when your family said something you took a step back and formed more of an opinion - an opinion you may have had but not big enough to end it or not mess around with her.

 

You can choose to use "my girlfriend and I broke up two years ago and I never had time to deal with it" as a reason to break up, but if you were that hung up you would not even have noticed this girl. Also, in life, we seldom get time to live in a bubble with our thoughts. We "deal" with breakups and disappointments just taking one step forward and waking up the next morning and living day to day until the situation is farther and farther behind and we react to it less. And part of moving on is meeting new people.

 

Now if you really broke up because you were busy - well, you could have told her you were busy, contacted her less and accepted dates much less and things would have petered out if they were meant to peter out, etc. or had given her the notion that you didn't want to make time to be responsible for having a girlfriend.

 

I am not saying you had to stay with her, but in your case - be honest with yourself for the reason and simply not offending your family is not a reason unless you never plan to set out on your own mentally, emotionally, or physically.

 

btw, you are mentionign there was sexual attraction = well, if you have a good connection, sexual attraction is bound to happen and is not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Anyway, what has happened, happen, but it in the future, going for kind honesty instead of making up excuses is the best policy. it may not make things better for them, but it is a learning experience for you to call things what they really are.

 

I think also in a prior response from you on this thread, you mention you don't get support from siblings - well, when you are an adult, it is up to us to find our own support from within ourselves, a network of friends we make our intentional family, and if we believe, God and our faith. You can't really say that one of the reasons you have not moved out is lack of encouragement from siblings. You either want to do something or don't. In adult life, we don't always have people cheering us on.

[IsThisIt]

I really don't understand what happened. If the 'suggestive' pictures were really a deal-breaker for you, why didn't you care about them until your mom got upset? Did you really just dump an awesome woman who is attractive and with whom you had a great connection with simply because your mother wanted you to?

 

I think maybe you did her a favor by breaking it off...

[ny guy]

You're right, honesty is always best policy. I just didn't know the best way to say it. Yea, my reasonings were semi BS semi truth. It wasn't so much of getting over my ex, I am over my ex. How I phrased it was to have time to myself so I'd be ready for a serious relationship and so I could put my focus on work. Again, both semi BS/truth. I really felt like crap for leading this girl on.

 

Thing is, this relationship may have worked, but looking back, it likely would not have. She was always getting comments from other guys on her FB page about how 'hot' certain pictures looked and whatnot. Yea, I want an attractive girl, but one that doesn't feel the need to flaunt it and attract attention. That's not how I am, and it can be a real problem with starting jealousy issues. And any girl that feels the need to validate herself through so many pictures, which is my impression of this type of girl, is truthfully not my type. This girl was exactly the opposite of everything my previous almost 3 year relationship ex was. By definition, I'd say that's a rebound.

 

There are other details that this girl told me that would also make someone wonder 'why would you do that?', a few serious things that involved her prior boyfriends. I won't go into them, b/c it's not worth writing out, but they were notable nonetheless. She was also very forward sexually, sending me some suggestive pictures, a few naked. At that point, the typical guy part of me set in, and physical attraction played a big part in me escalating things.

 

Also for what it's worth, I spoke to my best friend (who I knew since kindergarten) and I told him everything about this girl. His opinion was in agreement with my family's. Go figure.

 

With all of that said, I learned a lot from this brief experience. And thanks for the tough love. Although some of your comments sting a bit, that's how I learn.

 

 

 

 

No I definitely did, trust me.

 

 

And, it wasn't just my mom. It was my whole family. Five other opinions, that does count for something I think.

[sweetpea03]

True.

 

Thing is, yea the picture part and attention getting stuff does bother me. Like, why is it necessary in the first place. She'd probably stop doing it if I asked her to, but why do it in the first place.

 

It doesn't make a good first impression (obviously). Personally, I think it's an immaturity thing.

 

It's not as easy as telling a person to stop doing something and that changes them. This is who she is. She likes attention and won't stop liking it because you ask her to. Personally, I could never date someone like that. That would cause too many problems in the relationship since she is so insecure in herself that she needs to get attention to feel good about herself. It's a red flag, in my opinion. It is unfair that your parents judged her so quickly, but do realize that they also have a point. A person who feels the need to post so many pictures of themselves says a lot about who they are as a person. I feel like you can get to know a lot about a person by the pictures they decide to post for everyone to see. You need to really think about whether or not this is the right girl for you.

 

ok, so read now that the relationship is over.. at least you can look at this as a learning lesson.

[ny guy]

Arite, so here's an update with this. We started talking again. She messaged me online about a week after we last spoke, saying that there's no reason we can't talk as friends. I agreed, and we have been talking since then. After that, she would send me a text here or there, and sometimes we would text a lot during the day. One night I called her to catch up. I still feel like we do connect real well. Neither one of us has brought up that day when I spoke to her. For a few days now we texted every day. Sometimes I initiated, sometimes she did. Sometimes the texting turned to a sort of heavy flirting in a sense....talking about some sexual innuendos....

 

So, we had a convo online the other day. One thing that came up was her hair, she was asking about whether it should be cut or whatever. So, I was asking some questions, and I was like, 'well, i always liked long hair....blah blah...'. To that she responded 'well it's not like you like me anyway' or something like that. I took it with a grain of salt and just laughed it off.

 

This week i'm working in a place that's somewhat near her, so I was like, lets meet up for dinner. She agreed, and seemed kind of 'cool' about it. Not like dismissive, she was down with it, but obviously she's keeping her cards close to her.

 

 

Thing is, I'm having a tough time wanting to just stay platonic friends. The more we talk, the more that I think I want something. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm single now and this is an option at the moment. I'd be down for a FWB, but I know that has a potential to lead to hurt for one of us. I'm not sure if asking her to dinner was the best idea, but I didn't hint at anything when I asked her, just asked if she wanted to meet for dinner.

 

So, my question....am I doing myself a disservice by staying in touch with this girl? As far as what I want, I know I don't want anything serious now, but some companionship wouldn't hurt. When we meet for dinner, should I communicate my intentions at the risk of awkwardness? Should I just not even say anything and keep it light and friendly? Am I being an idiot by meeting up for dinner?

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to be honest with her. Tell her that all you want now is companionship as in an FWB. She still has feelings for you and you're going to hurt her if you two keep talking like this. That's my take.

[ny guy]

Kind of a comical update....

 

So we've been talking for a while....and she's always getting very suggestive with me. We actually never went to dinner those days, I was just too busy with work. She still was always very suggestive and we flirted a lot mostly initiated by her.

 

So, we were talking about 'stuff' on texting, and we made plans to go out before she goes on vacation for two weeks. So, I'm thinking, great! Sounds like she wants to do 'something'.

 

In short, I got teased last night...hahaha...I was left disappointed. Rats!! Guess that's my payback. I just don't get it though, she was always the one to bring up sex and stuff via text. And, with how she acted, I think she's looking for a relationship still. Now, I know that this girl isn't someone I could build something long term with (not that I really wanted that), but after hearing about the 'winners' she's had for previous relationships, I'm surprised she still uses sex and such as bait on her hook.......

 

 

 

So, I'll just let this one fall by the wayside....

[Ariel85]

NY - are you going to let your Mom pick all your gf's for you? Because that's really what this is all about. All the other crap about ex-gf's, work, etc., are just that - crap and smokescreens.

 

Your OP was the most honest one. You care if your family disapproves of your choice.

 

If that's the case, then chances are highly probable that Mom won't find ANY girl good enough for her son (aka Momma's Boy). You can expect a lifetime of bringing home this, that and the other one, and I think Mom is going to shoot holes in it no matter what.

 

So the girl had some sexy pics of herself up. So, what? Seems like everyone I know under 30 has a million pics of them shirtless, kissing people, posing at bars, the bathroom mirror shot, etc.

 

It's unfortunate that, even as you readily acknowledge, your family shot her down without ever meeting her. That's what worries me about your relationship with them - you will cave to them again in the future like this.

 

My family was much the same way when I was younger. No matter who it was, he was rejected for some infraction. To this day, my Mother STILL brings up facts of my first serious boyfriend. So, what did I do? Stopped bringing guys home until I knew it was serious, and they had NO say in the matter.

 

This is all really just part of your maturation process. And it's tough if you come from an (Italian?) Catholic family. Rules are different, as family takes front seat over ANYONE and EVERYTHING else.

 

Personally? I'd try to make amends with this girl, as it's clear you still care for her. And I wouldn't keep involving your family in your lovelife.

[ny guy]

How did you know I was Italian. The stereotype is so true, Italian mothers are very protective of their son's for some strange reason.

 

I actually spoke to her about it (via text though) on Sunday night. She was still under the impression that we were taking things slow. I made it pretty clear that I wasn't looking for anything serious now, and that I was more or less just looking for some companionship for the time being. I also said that I understand if she'd rather not talk to me because of this.

 

She told me she didn't want to stop talking to me, and I said the same. She actually left for a little vacation with her sister yesterday, but we texted beforehand.

 

I'm not going to force the issue with this one. I'm not sure if I care for her per se, but I just would not feel good leading someone on to take advantage of them. When I lie with things like that, it makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

As far as a relationship for me in general, I think I should still spend some time to myself. I want to make sure that I'm happy with myself before I start getting into another relationship.

 

 

In my previous relationship (I broke it up about 5.5 months ago), I got really depressed sometimes. But the thing was, I wasn't sure what it was. I wasn't sure if it was 1) not being in love with my g/f, which i was right about, 2) my job, or 3) just myself in general. The emotional rollercoaster was really annoying.

 

Now, I'm really starting to excel at my job, be comfortable with the work I'm doing, and I'm slowly becoming a much more confident person in general.

 

 

It's funny though, although I know that I wasn't in love with my ex (attraction issues sometimes, but just didn't have that feeling), I want a girl that had the personality/moral qualities of my ex. She was such an amazing girl, the sweetest person.

 

 

But yea, I'm going to do my best to keep a lid on my relationships going forward. But, I know I will have a tough time getting over the disapproval, if there is any. I know I've got to do that in order to truly be a man. To be confident in the decisions I make myself even if others don't agree. I'm workin on it!!