I feel guilty when people pay for things, and I feel pressured spoil others

[ImGrowing]

I just spent 1,000 on other people, when I was actually saving that to buy me something. Sometimes I feel like, people don't like me if I don't spend money on them. I think some people expect it. Maybe I need new friends, but how do I get rid of this guilt of not spending on others. I feel guilty every time I buy something for myself. I think it's because my sister used to say I'm "wasting money." She'll look at what I bought and say "you don't need that!" And maybe I don't, but now I feel guilty every time I spend money on myself. Is that some kind of disorder?

 

If I want something, I will take my time to think about it. I feel guilty even if I spend 20 bucks on myself. But, if I spend on other people, I never hesitate and I'll easily go over budget. It makes me depressed sometimes, because I feel like, I have to top last gift buy spending more and more money.

 

Also, my niece's would complain if I only gave them 50 dollars, and their mother would encourage that behavior. They rarely show any gratitude. They're used to getting 100+. Right now, I'm struggling, and some people kinda hint that I'm being stingy with my money. I'm not sure what is the best way to go about dealing with the guilt and pressure.

[Snowy]

Your money is your's, so unless other people are also spending heaps on you, I can't see why you should have to spend so much on them.

 

Ignore them and do what you feel like doing with your money.

[Capricorn3]

Sometimes I feel like, people don't like me if I don't spend money on them.

It seems that you feel in order for people to like you, you have to spend money on them. It's like you're "buying their love" to feel valued. I may be way off base here, but I would say it's an insecurity issue and you need to find out WHY and where it comes from.

 

Other than that, I totally agree with Snowy's post above.

[ImGrowing]

It seems that you feel in order for people to like you, you have to spend money on them. It's like you're "buying their love" to feel valued. I may be way off base here, but I would say it's an insecurity issue and you need to find out WHY and where it comes from.

 

Other than that, I totally agree with Snowy's post above.

 

I do feel insecure sometimes, but it's more the guilt that I have a problem with. I don't know how to "not care." If they don't love me or talk to me, then that's fine. But I can't help but feel some sort of guilt, especially when it comes to buying things for me.

[CSLX9]

Buying gifts for people is alright.

But spending money on ungratefull ones, that is the true waste.

 

Many do spend money on things for themselves, which

they don't actually need... But do try to spend some on yourself.

Think of something you would really like perhaps and then

get it. If you don't care if people talk to you or even love you, despite

you getting them something, you wont have a problem with getting

yourself something then, because you might as well right?

[Jd1983]

If money is tight right now, then you should not feel pressured into spending above your limits.

 

Yes, it's nice to get things for people from time to time, but they need to realize that we're also in a recession right now. Let them know that money is tight at the moment, and you're just trying the best you can to make ends meet.

 

Spending way above your means, is only hurting you in the long run. Also, it's always good to treat yourself to things from time to time. Why not? You deserve it.

[catfeeder]

I'd tell anyone who's ungrateful about 50 bucks that I'm happy they've let me know it's unappreciated. I won't bother them with such a gift again.

 

I'd also stop discussing your private expenses with sis. She's setting you up, and she's out of line.

[itsallgrand]

I totally agree with Catfeeder. Only fifty dollars?! Oh my goodness. I wouldn't even bother if they are throwing it aside like it isn't good enough for them.

 

I spent a lot on gifts for Xmas this year too. Not nearly a grand, and I can afford it this year, but to me that is a lot of money to spend on gifts. !! Other years I couldn't afford much, so I didn't do much, and no one complained. The spirit of gift giving isn't meant to be a spirit of guilt giving (i.e. the infamous feeling of stress and pressure to get as much or more for someone that you think they are getting for you). It's the fact you thought of that person. Giving because you want to.

 

If you want eliminate some necessaries, go down your list and cross off anyone who brings you a funny feeling in your gut (or a bad feeling) at the thought of giving. Boom, there goes a lot of people who you otherwise might waste a lot of money on for nothing.

 

As for feeling guilty for giving to yourself, you need to examine that more closely. I've mentioned it before on this site: I used to struggle a lot with a lot of guilty feelings. I very rarely feel guilt about things these days, and even if I do - it doesn't decide my actions. You can separate having a feeling about something and the choice you decide to make. If you logically find your choices to be harmful to yourself (which I think in this case, your guilt is harmful to you in the form of pain and also financial strain/perhaps not good financial choices for you in the long run) - then you can choose different and then work on the guilt feelings second. Often they reveal themselves quite easily, once you change your behavior!!!

 

Guilt is often our feeling of having let someone else down, or doing something that we find unacceptable in the eyes of others. It's different from shame though (another toxic pseudo-emotion) in that we feel we are bad. WE ARE BAD. That is the underlying thought behind guilt - always - some variate of that.

 

Think of that resonates at all with you. You may think a variant like "I don't deserve it".

"I am a waste, it's better and more worthwhile to go to someone else."

"I'm selfish"

"I'm being stupid."

 

It's often internalized thoughts of someone else too. It's eerie - I found that as I got closer to the original thought behind my guilt, I could actually hear those thoughts in my head in someone else's voice! You might hear your sisters, or maybe someone else, maybe you heard it a lot.

 

But it's up to you to re-claim that space in your head and re-affirm, hey, I'm not bad, I'm not a waste, etc. ...and it is ultimately your choice what you do with your money and your life. That's what we get when we are born; choice. That's it.