how does this story end.....?

[needsomelove]

My wife of 33 years will be moving out soon. Her and her lover seem to be in zone. They're so wrapped up in each other that they can barely see the outside world. My wife is/was a kind and classy lady that somehow has fallen into almost 'addictive type ' relationship. She's moving out into an apartment in the next few days. He seems to never be able to find the 'right' time to break it off with his wife. My wife plans to tell our boys/ wives soon. Once this breaks , word will spread like wild fire at their workplace ( My wife and this guy , both work at the same place) . I said , would you marry this guy down the road if, all goes according to plan. "yes" she said.

 

Any predictions on how this all plays out?

[metrogirl]

He'll stay with or go back with his wife and your wife will be left with nothing.

[Stay_home]

My wife of 33 years will be moving out soon. Her and her lover seem to be in zone. They're so wrapped up in each other that they can barely see the outside world. My wife is/was a kind and classy lady that somehow has fallen into almost 'addictive type ' relationship. She's moving out into an apartment in the next few days. He seems to never be able to find the 'right' time to break it off with his wife. My wife plans to tell our boys/ wives soon. Once this breaks , word will spread like wild fire at their workplace ( My wife and this guy , both work at the same place) . I said , would you marry this guy down the road if, all goes according to plan. "yes" she said.

 

Any predictions on how this all plays out?

 

Grass is greener syndrome.

 

It's so new and fresh for her right now, I wouldn't expect her to come to her senses yet.

 

But when she does... when she thinks about the 33 year marriage, the children and pratically leaving her family for an already tumultuous and damaged relationship (especially if you don't ever go back to her) it's going to hit her like a ton of bricks.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Chances are he is not going to leave his wife. He will continue to string her along and finally she will realize the relationship is not going anywhere. She will come back to you crying it was a big mistake..hopefully by that time you will no longer care and you will tell her tough luck. Her children will have lost all respect for her. This is the scenario that typically happens when a partner of a long-term marriage cheats and runs off with someone else.

[Circe]

He'll end up back with his wife. She'll end up very broken.

 

I'm sorry You don't deserve this.

[CatsMeeoow]

Truth is no one will know how this story ends - too many variables.

 

I can only imagine the pain you are feeling at the loss of your wife and what you thought was a 33yr commitment. The affair was certainly her choice BUT I have to wonder how long it has been that she was left feeling unsatisfied in the marriage. Most people just don't up and think I want a fling - my marriage is stale and this is how I want it better. More often than not there were issues going on for her long before. You may be a great man... wonderful father... attentive lover BUT if you weren't providing her the emotional intimacy she was really craving people start to fill that void elsewhere.

 

How often did you two make time for each other? Did you really sit down and listen when she talked? Did she for you?

 

Most affairs start out as a friendship. She is able to talk to this guy in a way that she once did or always hoped to talk to you. The friendship can become quite intense - you may be filling all her other needs when it comes to what she wants in a husband with the exception of the emotional connection which was being filled by this man. Unfortunately the longer this type of relationship continues it eventually leads to sex. More than likely if you ask either one of them they were never planning on it that way but both parties were meeting a need with each other that was not being addressed by their spouse.

 

This isn't to say that her affair is your fault for not meeting her needs but rather to say that something in your marriage wasn't working for her - she of course should have come to you with her concerns before reaching out to a co-worker. Did she? Has she ever tried to talk to you in the past about how she was feeling about the state of your marriage? Perhaps she didn't. A lot of people just assume their partner should know rather than explain how they feel but I've also seen couples where one does tries to get the others help in resolving marital issues and it isn't until that partner becomes fed up, pulls away and moves on before the other partner takes notice there was an issue at all.

 

Your wife is in that euphoric high - fantasy land, but you will never convince her of that. Part of her needs are being met by you - father, income maker, taking care of home and part of her needs are being met by her new man - emotional and sexual intimacy. The thing is most affairs don't end up in lasting love because right now your wife's lover has part of his needs met by his wife and part met by your wife. Its not the real world so to speak. When they have to go to providing for all their lovers needs and having all those needs provided by their lover it gets a little messy. Its not an easy transition and there goes the fantasy land component.

 

Even if it doesn't work out with her lover it doesn't mean your wife will want to come back. Sometimes when people find a marriage isn't working for them they don't want to go back no matter what. Your wife was clearly wrong to take a lover before addressing with you the issues in your marriage or ending your marriage. Regardless of the man she is involved with she may realize that this marriage isn't what she wants for another 30yr. People change a lot over 3 decades.

 

If I were you I would see legal counsel. You have some hard choices and some difficult times ahead. You will be dealing with your childrens response to your wife's choices. They of course will be confused and hurt as well. I know how its easy to think the best of people but having been through this you are best to protect your assets. I know your head is swimming with all that has happened but who will primarily have the kids? How will the bills and assets be divided. I wouldn't wait. As painful as it is I would addressed these issues now. Most lawyers will give you a free initial consult - I suggest you get one. You owe that to yourself, your children and the 33yr you were married.

 

Its going to be a very difficult several months to a year but I can tell you it does get better - and for me I couldn't be happier. I've had the most amazing adventures in the last 9yr that may not have ever happened if I wasn't left a single mom of an 15mo old. I won't lie as there were days in the beginning I couldn't get out of bed or go to work. HUGS!

[DN]

My sister-in-law left her husband of 36 years to live with a man who left his wife to be with her. They rented an apartment together and bought new furniture and fittings. Just over a year later, he found that the divorce was going to be much more expensive that he thought, the housing market had dropped and he wouldn't get as much for the sale of the marital home as he had originally calculated. One morning he announced he was going back to his wife and left. My sister-in-law could not afford the apartment on her own and now lives in a single room - she has virtually nothing.

[savignon]

Haven't they been seeing each other for 10 years? If he hasn't left his wife yet, I doubt he's going to. He's the one making excuses as to why they can't really be together while she's moving forward to be with him. (telling you, talking to you about it for awhile now, moving out, telling the kids, getting an apartment, etc.) She will likely be disappointed but that should be no consolation to you, as the damage has already been done.

Just to join the prediction game though, I vote he doesn't leave his wife afterall.

I also vote that you move on to a happier healthier future and re-establish who you are and what you deserve Hope 2011 brings you lots of healthy change and happiness!! xo

[needsomelove]

I am amazed at the complete disconnect from me , her coworkers and family. It's like she's in a fantasy land and nothing else matters when they're together. Even now, when her marriage is hanging in the balance, she can't stop seeing him..........................Thanks for all of the kind words.

[savignon]

I am amazed at the complete disconnect from me , her coworkers and family. It's like she's in a fantasy land and nothing else matters when they're together. Even now, when her marriage is hanging in the balance, she can't stop seeing him..........................Thanks for all of the kind words.

 

I remember in your last post you said she said she won't stop seeing him or give him up (even at the cost of your marriage). Your marriage is not "hanging in the balance"....it's over. It seems like you're still waiting this out to see if she'll come back to you when/if this other thing fails and that is a crying shame!!

[Raoul]

I am amazed at the complete disconnect from me, her coworkers and family. It's like she's in a fantasy land and nothing else matters when they're together. Even now, when her marriage is hanging in the balance, she can't stop seeing him..........................Thanks for all of the kind words.

 

NSL,

 

This is textbook stuff. Look up 'cathexis'. That glow will fade, reality can be denied for just so long. No one knows what will happen then.

 

Best for you to work on you - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically. What you're going through is very tough. You need to be strong for you and your children. You need a support system.

 

You must do what is right for you and your children. This means that she should go fully into her alternate universe while you cut ties with her as completely as you can. Find a single channel of communication (email preferably) and save (and back up) every message. Document to a fault. In court, good records are everything. Refuse any communication that does not involve children, money and law. If she wants to meet with you, do it in a public place. Any discussion that goes afoul of your short-list (kids, money, law) and you ppolitely end the conversation. If she decides she wants to talk about anything else, keep her focussed or end the dialog.

 

Now (yesterday really) is the time to protect yourself financially and legally. Close any joint accounts that you have and re-open accounts in your name only. You know that half of your marital assets are hers, so don't spend yourself crazy. But under no circumstances leave yourself vulnerable to her. This means credit cards, home equity lines, checking accounts - all of it. People that do the things your wife is doing do some truly horrible things. They can steal you blind and wreck your credit in under a week.

 

Based upon your prior thread, legally, I think, you are already moving. Work with your attorney to get the divorce moving quickly and protect yourself and your children as best you can under the divorce laws in your jurisdiction.

 

Don't worry about social fallout. That's her problem.

 

There is a thread in the divorce panel of this forum "Relationship with X", started by John Bendix. It is long. But I find it helpful and post there sometimes.

 

None of what's happening to you is easy to deal with. But you must do these things for you and your childrens' sake.

 

You can do this,

Raoul

[lostandhurt]

Well said Raoul!

 

Listen to him.

My ex threw away our family, my sons happiness and her respect for a out of work dope smoking loser. She told me it was fate that they met and he was her soul mate. They lasted 2 1/2 years and from what I know it wasn't all that good. She has now found another loser and I think it is a friend of her ex's. She may have cheated on her ex with his friend so you see this isn't about me or you, it is about them.

Time to move on and mourn the death of a marriage that didn't have to end the way it did. Accept that she isn't the person you once loved so much and is now a selfish hurtful person that will not find happiness unitl she can admit who she is and that the reason she hasn't been happy wasn't you but her.

 

What ever you call it: "Walk Away Wife Syndrome" "Grass is Greener Syndrome" or anything else the result is the same. You are left to make sure what is left of the family is taken care of and together for each other.

 

Today you need to stop thinking about what will happen and if she will come back. That person is long gone and may never return to who she was. Sure she looks like the woman you married all those years ago but that is just a shell covering the selfish person underneath.

 

Do as Raoul says. Busy yourself with your life and you won't have time to think about her. Read my signature below. I live by it....

 

Lost

[Circe]

Yup.. Raoul has some great advice... definitely protect yourself. Good luck

[Happens4aReason]

Very very unhealthy practice.. Leaving a family of 33 years for a fling... Just like people said here, its "Grass is greener on the other side" syndrome.. I have an experience wit ha girl like this.. She hurt me, left for another guy (who was quite a bad boy stereotype) and one year later, when all the initial infatuation faded away and reality settled in, she apologized to me and regretted doing this totally.. Of course, it was too late for me as I had moved on..

 

Your story's almost sure end: She will have fun in the first few months, an year or two at max.. She will realize what a great guy you were.. Miss her family and kids.. End up alone and it would be left to you on whether to accept her again or not.. C'mon, a family of 33 years is almost half your lifetime.. How can she ignore it?

[Raoul]

C'mon, a family of 33 years is almost half your lifetime.. How can she ignore it?

 

It happens all the time. They (men and women) walk away from more than you cn imagine at 25.

 

Raoul

[needsomelove]

...thanks for all of the honest and kind words... this board has been a big help. We said the words last night. Divorce. Period. Let's move on with our lives. A big weight on my heart today as I ponder the two of them together in their naked escapades. Keep the kind words coming . It helps. We've stepped through the property split some what... 50/50 split, pretty simple. Need some guidance on how to approach the spousal support stuff.. She makes about 2x my salary.

[lostandhurt]

Well acceptance will take time but you can do it. Just because the word divorce has been spoken doesn't mean your mind will accept what is coming. It took me a while to get my mind around the fact that it was really happening.

The business of divorce is best left the professionals unless you want to do it yourself. Her selfish actions will make it harder for you to deal with her but if you want you can meet with a mediator to work out the details. She will be paying you support if there is any justice in the world but don't count on it.

 

Take the high road always and learn to accept that she isn't the person you fell in love with. Their time toghether is tainted with the evil in which it began. Let them live with that and no matter how much they pretend it doesn't affect them you will know it does and Karma will find them one day......

 

Raoul knows all about support as he is getting the royal shaft from the courts where he lives.

 

Lost

[John Bendix]

Please heed Raoul's and Lost's advice.

 

I would like to reinforce Lost's point on acceptance. It is the key to all of this (and IMO, to dealing with what is thrown at us in life). if you can accept what your life situation is right now, without judging it or yourself for being in it, you can avoid most of the unplesant emotional reactions that you may create for yourself.

 

The past is an merely an image we conjure up from our memory banks. The future is also just an image of what could possibly be. They are both equally unreal. We cannot effectively change or deal with either one. Energy spent in these realms distracts from the only time that really exists, the present moment. Yet viewing these images can cause the same unpleasant emotions as if they are real.

 

"If I had only done this, this might have come out differently", or "Maybe if I try that, this is going to happen". Living in the past and future is the mark of non-acceptance.

[needsomelove]

latest update: my wife has moved out into an apartment.... I have engaged a divorce attorney . My boys ( ages mid 20's ) have been told the news are quite angry and shocked. They basically told me, "if you take mom back we're gonna mad at you". The latest from her boyfriend's side .. told the wife and his grown daughters. Sounds like his wife hasn't freaked out , and a divorce seems 'iffy'. It's like she's known this for a long time and is Ok with it??? It looks like she's on a path to be his permanent mistress ?! As you all predicted, this is going to end badly for my wife. As I told my boys, I take no great pleasure in being mean to my wife. They have helped keep grounded and help me process this in a logical fashion. Looking forward to moving on. Thanks!

[Raoul]

needsomelove.

 

Its good to hear that you're bearing up and moving ahead. Its also good that you're not taking an angry approach to all this and one that has your sons involved. You've handled all this very well. It just goes to show that you can do things well that you'd rather not do at all.

 

As for your wife, with her affair out in the open and her paramour's wife balking at ending it, the fantasy may start to end. That you take no pleasure in her foolishness says a lot about you. My own view of what I've been through is one of enormous sadness for my former wife and our children. The path she's on cannot go well for her or anyone else over time.

 

Hang tough,

Raoul

[needsomelove]

I'm still trying to understand this complete infatuation that my wife has for this guy. Completely out of character. ( she's a very kind , caring person) When, they're together , it's as if nothing/no one around them matters. Going to movies , coffee shops, exercising together, gardening at his house, etc. etc.. Say nothing of the passionate sex Then , she can walk in the door , flip a switch and go through the motions with me and her boys. She can turn the tears on when me, yet I know that as soon as they're together again, life is grand. Complete disconnect.

 

Textbook "affair" symptoms or something deeper? An earlier post mentioned 'cathexis'. Trying to understand what has happened to my wife. Thanks for all of the kind words & support.

[Raoul]

Needsomelove,

 

One of the most valuable things my psychologist told me as I tried to come to grips with my wife's affair and the destruction of our family was "Don't try to make sense from nonsense". Some things to not submit to rational analysis.

 

Your wife invested massive amounts of time and emotion into her fantasy. I believe that any time you spend that much energy on something, you will 'fall in love' with it. It doesn't have to be a person, but often enough it is. Too, the attention paid to the object of cathexis is not available for other things, say your marriage.

 

This is why you need to let her go fully into the affair and without you there to support it. She (whether malisciously or thoughtlessly is not important) used you as safety net and training wheels to support her investment. This allowed her to not deal with the full brunt of what she was doing. It as all upside for her - no apparent consequences.

 

Well, you are ending her easier, delusional path. She will now deal with a more complete reality, with the good and the bad.

 

You now deal with a more accurate look at reality as well. Your wife can no longer use you and is not the person you thought you knew.

 

All this is painful and confusing to be sure. But best to just accept what has happened and leave the 'whys' alone.

 

Raoul

[ClaraBlue]

This is why you need to let her go fully into the affair and without you there to support it.

 

I totally agree.

Your wife is in fantasy mode right now. She is basically high. When people have affairs, they are experiencing a huge head rush infused with actual chemical reactions in their brain. So that is why she's become somewhat of an alien to you. I agree 100% with Raoul--let her go to deal with the consequences of wanting the affair. Don't be there for her. Don't offer her help/advice. Tell her you will not live in an open marriage. If she can't and won't accept that, tell her you will be done.

[needsomelove]

Thanks.. talked with her yesterday... this is almost soap opera material. You are right, it's almost 'drug addiction like'. She's been consumed by this guy. Now it seems that

his kids / wife are not real PO'd about the whole affair. Still ' want him in their lives'... blah blah '. I said , " are you going to just be his mistress then ". She said " no, I'll just end it then" if he stays with his wife. I don't think so , still addicted , if you will, to this guy. She feels crushed with what she has done to me and her boys, but can't break free. Any ideas on how long before this goes on, before it wears off? We are moving forward, with the support of my boys, with the divorce.

[Raoul]

Any ideas on how long before this goes on, before it wears off?

 

NSL,

 

Timelines are different for different people. Denial of reality is powerful. But you already knew that.

 

For you, and her, its best that you are moving forward with the divorce.

 

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul