My BF of 12 years excludes me from family functions involving his grown children

[generaldiscord]

I see you have set the wheels rolling!

 

Don't loose heart, the silent treatment is only temporary. Jot down the time and date, and don't call him for three days, or 3*24 hours. By then you can both have collected your thoughts and try to have a reasonable debate about how to continue.

[VG75]

Thanks General for the explanation and the cute anecdote about your great aunts. I'm glad they finally made peace with each other. I wish we could do the same.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think its awful of him to give you the silent treatment when you have been patient for 12 years. He needs to start empathising with you. Im sure the other way round he'd find it near impossible to deal with.

[VG75]

General, the 3-day rule would be great, but my dilemma is that I am supposed to be boarding a plane with him Wednesday for 2 weeks overseas with his mom. If I don't talk to him, he will probably be livid for losing the money for the plane ticket if I don't show up. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place because if I go, then I am accepting the behavious once again and I will feel resentful and miserable, but if I stay I will feel extremely miserable to be left behind.

[generaldiscord]

I think you should go then! You just need to wait for him to call then. He's not getting any younger, and I'm sure you're very important to him... he just needs to understand what your requirements are.

[VG75]

Sapphire, I don't know if he would feel the way I do. He is certainly accepting alot of abuse from his son, and he is a very strong proponent of "turning the other cheek". I think that this might be why he cannot comprehend the depth of hurt that I feel. Maybe I should just get over it and pick myself up, dust myself off and keep chugging along. Maybe, though, by doing that, I am perpetuating my role as the doormat of the family.

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel for you. I really do. And I cannot believe he is being insenstive towards you at this point.

 

IS there anyway you could go to counselling together, you'd have someone to mediate and it would be good ofr him I think to see where your coming from.

[Applewhite]

General, the 3-day rule would be great, but my dilemma is that I am supposed to be boarding a plane with him Wednesday for 2 weeks overseas with his mom. If I don't talk to him, he will probably be livid for losing the money for the plane ticket if I don't show up. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place because if I go, then I am accepting the behavious once again and I will feel resentful and miserable, but if I stay I will feel extremely miserable to be left behind.

 

Going does not mean you are accepting the behavior once again. Going can mean that despite the hurt he has caused (and continues to cause you) due to his inability to face and deal with the situation you are telling him you still are willing to work things out. You will also be asking him that he put in the same effort to work things out. In addition you are going with a purpose too. You are going to explain the situation to his mother and ask for her interference in the matter with the bully son, and ask her to give support and advice to your partner on how to handle the situation. Tell her how this is affecting both you and your partner and taking happiness away from both of you and her great grandkids and causing awkwardness for the whole family etc.

 

THIS is why you are going. Not because you accept the disrespect and attacks but because you are strong and brave enough to proactively and cleverly change the situation in your favor.

[generaldiscord]

Exactly what hike14 says. Good post!

[CatsMeeoow]

Hi DN,

I was once told that power is something that is given by others, not taken. Control is something that is taken by someone. He is being given power by the family that is not confronting him. The more they stay silent, the more power they give him. Obviously, I do not want to lose the relationship over this. However, I feel belittled, disrespected and humiliated by my BF's actions or lack thereof. I tried calling him about an hour ago but he is not answering his phone. I think that he is angry with me for the way I am feeling. He told me last night to stop acting like I am a victim. I don't think he can understand how hurtful it is to me.

 

AND - therein lies the problem. He doesn't understand how it makes you feel....

 

12yrs... that's a lot of time for people to get "accustomed" to how it is... Your bf liked just keeping the status quo - his family never made the effort and well now until recently neither did you. This is a problem that has had 12yr to fester for you. With a complete lack of understanding on your bf's part why on earth he is wondering why its such an issue now.

 

Personally as a parent myself and that as a daughter I was really distraught when my parents called it quits despite being 20yr at the time. Funny enough I was more distraught at the end of my dad's second marriage - I really liked his second wife though I really disliked how their relationship came about but as a daughter it was NONE of my business to state to my father anything. You know what I am most grateful though??? I'm grateful that my heartbroken mother went on to find a really great man to whom she has been married to for 20yr. I'm grateful my dad went on to find yet another great woman as a third wife. I would want neither of my parents to feel alone - ever... How selfish of his children to think that your bf should have no one to share his life with and all that he is proud of - including them and their children. Completely selfish!!!!!

 

Your bf is feeling so caught in the middle of a situation he should have rectified years ago. He is angry and disappointed. His avoidance of you may be nothing more than avoiding the situation entirely. Give it some space. If you have had truly 12 good years I'm sure once the dust has cleared he will make contact. It sucks riding it out especially at the holidays but what choice have you now?

 

Hang in there!

[truegrit]

If it was me one of the big issues I would have would be a loss of respect for my bf for not standing up to his son. I have this problem with my husband being a wimp to his son. Respect for my mate is verrrrrrry important to me.

[DN]

Hi DN,

I was once told that power is something that is given by others, not taken. Control is something that is taken by someone. He is being given power by the family that is not confronting him. The more they stay silent, the more power they give him. Obviously, I do not want to lose the relationship over this. However, I feel belittled, disrespected and humiliated by my BF's actions or lack thereof. I tried calling him about an hour ago but he is not answering his phone. I think that he is angry with me for the way I am feeling. He told me last night to stop acting like I am a victim. I don't think he can understand how hurtful it is to me.

To which he will counter that you are not understanding that he doesn't want to be cut off from his family.

 

The mistake here is to see this as him disrespecting you. He isn't. This isn't a situation of his making, he is caught between wanting a relationship with you and being blackmailed by his son. He can't win for losing.

 

His son has declared war - and now you have declared it back. Your boyfriend is the prize you and his son are fighting over but both of you want him to do what each other want and neither of you will give way - I recognise you have in the past.

 

But what is it that you actually want? You already know your boyfriend loves you. He already spends time with you. He accepts your daughter with no problem. He is willing to compromise by taking you on a trip to see his mother on Christmas Day instead of spending it with his family. All of these things are within his power to give you - and he has.

 

But what you want from him is something he is powerless to give you - acceptance by his son and admittance to his family gatherings. He can't give you that because it's not just his decision to make. His whole family has to make it as well and they don't because of his eldest son's attitude and the siblings seem willing to go along with their elder brother's choice and are therefore choosing their brother over you. - and that is hardly surprising.

 

You can't make someone like you. You can't make someone accept you. And you can't make them like and accept someone else either. You are asking for something he can't give you.

 

Because he cannot give you what you want you are upset and are on the brink of issuing that very ultimatum he warned you not to give: to choose between you and his family. Arguing that he should 'take power', confront his son, or force this issue is trying to force him to risk something he is not prepared to lose - his grandchildren. You are now upping the ante by saying because he is not prepared to risk losing his grandchildren this makes you feel disrespected, belittled and humiliated. You have chosen to fight this war with his son by putting his relationship with his grandchildren (and his children) in direct competition with you. You are making this entirely about you.

 

I am suggesting that course of action isn't wise. There are no winners under that scenario. By pushing him to make a choice no one will get what they want. If he chooses you and is cut off from his family do you think your relationship will last under the loss that you have forced him to suffer. If he chooses his family do you think you will be happy - or that he will? Do you think that even if his son 'wins' their relationship will ever be a good one once he has lost you?

 

The only possible way that this situation can be resolved so everyone is happy is for his son to be induced or persuaded to accept you - even if he doesn't ever like or love you. But he certainly won't be forced to do that. He has already shown that he won't and that is why I disagree with the idea that if you force this issue and your boyfriend tries to force his son that his son will give way and in the end everything will be fine - that is too much of a risk to expect him to take.

 

John Lennon (and others) said "suppose they gave a war and nobody came?" - I suggest it is in your best interests not to engage in this war but to engage diplomacy. And that the best course at the moment is to try and enlist the support and intervention of your boyfriend's mother - the only person in all of this who has demonstrated an ability to influence her eldest grandchild to behave in the way that you want. Why not ask her to do it again and avoid a war that no one can win?

[generaldiscord]

The boyfriend does have the power to make his son accept his girlfriend; by refusing to cater to his asinine demands.

 

Sure, he'll be upset for a while, but the son has had 12 years to learn to accept her, and his father has had 12 years to learn to mediate the situation, and now nobody is happy. The woman is depressed and is excluded, the boyfriend feels torn and powerless, and the son feels ... well, who knows what goes on in his head, it's probably been a mess since his mother died.

 

 

It is completely possible to request or demand equality and respect while at the same time keeping the goal on peace and keeping the heart open for love. The heart of the OP has always been open, and her requests have always been fair. In a couple months, I'm sure the situation will be changed for the better of everybody involved.

[VG75]

Wow, DN and General... I cannot express to you how much your thoughts mean to me right now. Reading your posts is really helping me alot to work through my confusion. I think I should just relax, swallow hard for now and see what transpires. You're right. He does love me alot and he is doing a balancing act to keep things together on both sides, mine and his family's. I'm not sure that I will enlist the help of his mom (she does not speak any English, but I can communicate well in her language) but I do like the approach that is being suggested (i.e. explaining to her that everyone's happiness is at stake). My BF would be mortified if I told his mom how bad things are. There is not too much she can do from so far away and she might only end up feeling bad and helpless in the situation. I might suggest seeing a counselor together in the near future. I might just go and see one myself if he does not want to go with me. I have to decide if I am wasting my time here or if my BF and I will ever truly end up together under one roof. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living alone and spending holidays in solitude. Thanks so much for your insightful thoughts.

[DN]

Actually, that is a question I was going to ask. What plans if any do you two have for the future? After twelve years I would have thought there would be some sort of plan.

[DN]

One thing I should add - if it were his son posting on here, or a least able to read this thread, I would tell him he is being a thoughtless selfish ass and should grow up and look out for his father's best interests. But I am not advising him and have no means of influencing him. All I can do is advise you.

 

I am not sure that you are wise in discounting talking to his mom - she already intervened once so it can't be much of a surprise to her. Still, you know best on that one.

[VG75]

Hi DN,

Regarding our future plans, we have always said that we would like to live together, but I think my BF wants his family issues resolved before this can ever happen. Come to think of it, I'm usually the one who says "when we live together, then blah-blah-blah....". He used to say the same thing, but now he rarely says that, so I don't think he is ready. He lives alone in a very large house and I live in my own house with my daughter. I would like to give my house to my daughter and move in with him, but his house was his late wife's pride and joy and now belongs in a family trust for the children to share in the future, so not really any possibility for me to live there.... We have talked of building a new home. He has had plans drawn up, but there is always some reason why it is not happening. In the meantime, I am on the sideline, waiting. About eight or nine years ago, he gave me a very nice diamond ring which I wear on my commitment finger, though, but that does not mean that we are getting married anytime soon (although I would really like to be married to him, or at least living together). I feel very lonely most of the time waking up alone, going to sleep alone at night. We almost always have dinner together though and we see each other daily. We also travel alot together. Our businesses complement each other and we are very fortunate to be able to combine both business and pleasure on trips abroad. For the record, he also wears a ring on his "commitment" finger and we are known as a couple by all of our friends and business associates in the community, even though we do not live together.

[DN]

I think that the issue with not being included in his family is a symptom of a larger problem. You want to be married and he does not - at least not yet. He can't claim to want to wait until the issue with his family is sorted out when he isn't doing anything to sort it out. He may not be able to force his son to see you and accept you being at family gatherings but that doesn't mean he should allow him to impede a marriage or living together in a committed relationship at least.

 

Property is important but it is just that - property and that can be negotiated by agreement, prenups being one avenue. Emotions and family are more problematical but are still not insuperable and he should be making some sort of effort to alter a status quo in which you are clearly not happy. Being sidelined is not good enough.

[lady00]

This reminds me situations I know where one spouse's family hates the other spouse due to prejudice due to racial, cultural, or religious differences. I know several couples who are unfortunately in this situation and sadly there is really nothing they can do. They can't put their foot down and try to convince their family into letting go of the prejudice. What results is that they just kind of live separate lives and they spend time with their family with the understanding that they don't want to lose their family even though their family may never accept their spouse. It's a terrible situation, but people do get through it. I know one couple who has young kids and I keep thinking that I can't believe the family with the prejudice is so set in their beliefs that they won't even meet the children. It makes me really sad but these couples love each other and can't imagine life without each other, so they stay together, knowing it's going to be hard, but it's worth it.

[SapphireNoir10]

What worries me is that he is basically saying until the family accept you that there wont be any 'moving in together' or 'engagement'

 

You mentioned he rarely brings up living together anymore. I reckon thats because he realises that teh family situation probably wont ever be resolved and has likely resigned himself to a life living apart. Which isnt what YOU want.

 

Have you sat down and told him you'd REALLY like to live together, in a house together, not necessarily the family house either.

 

Your partner isnt seemingly considering your needs, the family situation means your are excluded from teh family functions, from living together..from having a normal relationship. AND YET it seems he is resigned and comfortable in living alone, but your not.

[generaldiscord]

I think you realize that the family situation won't change on its own. He is, by my rough estimate, at least 60, so you figure if 12 years got you nowhere, where will the next 20 years get you?

 

Maybe marriage isn't that important to him, but family is important to everybody, and after a certain point, neglecting the issue is just rude and cruel.

[lavenderdove]

Some people who are older and divorced are basically happy with a companion and never do marry again, especially if there are family considerations or substantial property involved.

 

I honesty think that after 12 years, he has no intention of ever marrying you or he would already have done so... and his son is not going to change and he knows it.

 

So if you love him and are willing to go without marriage or living together, then perhaps you just need to accept that this is the way it is and the way it will be... if you don't like it the way it is, then try to negotiate with him to get what you want... if he won't change anything at all, then perhaps you know he has already made his choice, to not rock the boat with his kids and to never marry again because they won't like it.

[Unity]

This post made me mad. OP, you are acting like a doormat. Sure, the son can bully and threaten to take away the grandkids and whatnot, but your boyfriend is a doormat and he is being manipulated. And even worse, you are allowing it - FOR 12 YEARS.

 

Why on earth would you tolerate this kind of behavior for this long??? If I were you, I'd be packing up everything I own and walking out the door. Salvage the scraps of your dignity. He is treating you like the Other Woman.

 

Both you and your boyfriend need to "grow a pair."

[DN]

Anyone who has grandchildren - please put up your hand.

 

Anyone who has grandchildren and would be Ok with never seeing them again - please put up your hand.

 

Anyone who doesn't have grandchildren but thinks they understand what it would be like never to see them again if they did - please put up your hand.

[generaldiscord]

You, DN, are empathizing an awful lot with the boyfriend. But you don't get to choose what sacrifices the OP is supposed to make. She's already spent more than a decade being excluded, I don't see how anybody can expect her to tolerate that forever or even for another year.