My BF of 12 years excludes me from family functions involving his grown children

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree. It isnt healthy for the grandkids, or his other children .Its such a horrible situation because of one bully.

 

Are you willing to carry on dealing with this? What does your heart tell you to do?

[Applewhite]

The kid will have to come around. It seems this is more HIS problem than his dads. If he decides to exclude himself and his children from a family gathering because he is childish that is on him, not her partner. But he will come around if he knew he couldn't bully his father around probably. But again if he doesn't - the end result is on HIM. I doubt from what is described that the whole family will become estranged if OP was invited for special occasions.If OP explained his side to the whole family and explained the reasons they may be understanding and side with him instead of the selfish son.

[DN]

But he is too afraid to make waves with his kids. He had warned me several years ago to never put him in a situation where he had to chose between me and his kids.

It seems as if it may have come to this.

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree with DN in that its obviously coming to a breaking point as it seems your stuck. You cant put up with being excluded anymore. Which I dont blame you, its upsetting your child, your partners grandchildren etc. And he obviously isnt going to risk losing contact with his grandchildren. Even if his son is an unreasonable bully.

[DN]

The kid will have to come around. It seems this is more HIS problem than his dads. If he decides to exclude himself and his children from a family gathering because he is childish that is on him, not her partner. But he will come around if he knew he couldn't bully his father around probably. But again if he doesn't - the end result is on HIM. I doubt from what is described that the whole family will become estranged if OP was invited for special occasions.If OP explained his side to the whole family and explained the reasons they may be understanding and side with him instead of the selfish son.

No, he won't have to come around - that's the exact problem. He can carry out his threat and it seems the other siblings will follow his lead for whatever their own reasons are.

[SapphireNoir10]

Was the son angry when he first got with you? You say your partner was widowed...did you two get together soon after his wife passed? Is that something they could be angry at?

[VG75]

I don't think that it has come to choosing between me and the kids. What my heart tells me is that my BF should be willing to try to compromise and start having some regard to the level of hurt that I feel about all this. But when it comes to his kids, I do not want to impose on him and I know that he does not want to consider any compromises because he feels that he has to do things a certain way. I think the whole family needs therapy. It's almost like they never got over the tragic death of their mother 17 years ago. But now the big question is, do I go on this trip with my BF? I think he is now mad at me for having reacted poorly to yesterday's dinner, as he has not called me today. We are scheduled to leave in a few days. I'm not sure what to do about that. Help?

[SapphireNoir10]

I think maybe you should go. I dont think you have to apologise for reacting badly. He should understand that you have been very patient and understanding up till now but sometimes the situation is going to get to you. Thats understandable.

 

I think your partner needs to try and talk to his son/children and tell them that its hurting a lot of people unecessarily.

[DN]

But he did compromise. He arranged to go on the trip with you over Christmas and arranged to meet his family at another time. How is that not a compromise?

[VG75]

To answer your question about their mother's passing, I had known this entire family socially for many years before the passing of their mother. I knew their mother and knew the children when they were small. We were not close friends, but we all got along very well. I was in a common-law relationship at the time with my daughter's father who also knew them. That relationship lasted 15 years and ended a few years before their mother's sudden death. My current BF and I started seeing each other a few years after her passing. I don't know if my knowing them before has factored into the son's behaviour.

[VG75]

Yes, DN, I guess you are right about the compromise. I hadn't thought of it that way, because the entire reason for leaving was to make a statement to the kids that we would not be around to tolerate the holiday stresses that they were causing. But then, the way I was seeing it, my BF turned around and did exactly what we were trying to avoid doing. Maybe I'm being just a bit too self-centered in all this to really appreciate that compromise. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm just so hurt that I can't see the forest for the trees right now.

[SapphireNoir10]

I can see how it was a compromise on his part.

 

At the same time Im not suprised your hurt. This must make a lot of the holidays very unpleasent for you and him both.

 

I hope for your sake everything works out and oneday the son comes round.

[DN]

Why not go on the trip and talk to his mother. Put the problem to her and see if she will intervene - it seems she has some influence over her grandchildren and may be able to tell his son to get over himself and behave like an adult. If she can make him behave when she is in the country she may be able to make him behave all the time.

[Applewhite]

Why not go on the trip and talk to his mother. Put the problem to her and see if she will intervene - it seems she has some influence over her grandchildren and may be able to tell his son to get over himself and behave like an adult. If she can make him behave when she is in the country she may be able to make him behave all the time.

 

I like this idea. Why not go and try. And yes I agree that he made a compromise and glad you can see it better now that it was pointed out.

[VG75]

Thanks everyone for your kindness and insight. I still have alot to think about, but all of you have made me see things in a different light. If there are any other thoughts or comments, please don't hold back.

[CatsMeeoow]

I think the son is worried about losing his inheritance. I have offered to sign a pre-nup with my BF if it ever comes to marriage because I don't need any of his money. The son really does not know me, because he refuses to enter the house if I am there. So it cannot be anything personal.

 

Well for starters if I were his parent I would have already off'd him out of the will.... My children don't have to like my decisions but as an adult I will be respected for them. I am still their parent.

 

Secondly I would never continue to date a man for 12yr without some insight about how long I would be excluded from MAJOR aspects of his life. I would have left long ago looking for someone who would compliment me better. I'm very much a family person and after 2yr dating would have expected to be included. Now there are some people out there who really love that they and their partner have separate live and would love what you have - I would just not be one of them.

 

I think your guy needs to step up to the plate and let his kids know its not ok to disrespect someone he cares for.

 

FYI - I went 2yr without talking to my mother (I was single and no kids). I needed to for my sanity. But, it wasn't forever. Just because his kids threaten and perhaps it appears to be that they will follow through - the thing about family is just that... you're family. I was the one who started to reopen the door with my mom... it took time and well since we don't live with each other it is much more manageable for me.

 

You have a choice to make... stand your ground or forever be the woman hidden behind closed doors.

 

Hugs!

[CatsMeeoow]

Oh... another reason you "can't see the forest for the trees" is that even though this is some type of compromise on your husbands part... its sooooo long overdue you're just seconds from imploding.

 

This issue should have been dealt with years ago... it wasn't... and every year its eaten at you a little more... to the point its putting a tremendous stress on your relationship... where the smallest compromise isn't enough anymore... you want the whole enchilada (and I don't blame you...)

 

You must really love this man to tolerate this for over a decade.

[DN]

It is not always wise or advisable to go to war to try and get what you want. Diplomacy can often achieve the same thing without the chaos and collateral damage.

 

And remember that a risk in going to war is that you might lose.

[generaldiscord]

You know, you need to compromise for love and for your family, but you can't compromise your love or your family. I think that no matter what the exact resolution is, it must end in you two being reconciled with the family.

 

It is not a compromise to the family issue to just take you on a different trip later. A compromise is when both of you get a little of what you want, and in that situation, he gets to see his relatives in peace and you don't get anything but a postponement of the argument.

 

It's sad that the mother died, but he's been holding that childish grudge against you for 12 years. His dad has been postponing the difficult and heartwrenching conversation for 12 years, and you've been being patient and understanding for 12 years... it's time to make some noise.

[DN]

it's time to make some noise.

To what end? Losing the relationship? Making him estranged from his children and grandchildren?

 

Two people in a relationship should be able to compromise but that is incredibly difficult when there is a third party who makes noise of his own and has the power to carry out his threats.

[generaldiscord]

So you think that it is completely reasonable that his son, who has been insulting his MIL for 12 years, escalates the situation, and his response is to have her and her daughter disinvited from a party she is basically cohosting, and offer to visit his mother as a compromise? I don't think so.

 

A relationship should be built on love and respect. Maybe the love is there, but the respect isn't right now.

 

At a certain point, loosing a relationship is preferable to being disrespected till the end of your days, but she won't, because the cards are stacked in her favor.

[VG75]

Thanks General,

 

What exactly do you mean by the statement "but she won't, because the cards are stacked in her favor"

 

I'm not sure I understand.

[agent1607307371]

DN isn't saying it's reasonable, he's saying it's hard and messy. Especially when the son has the threat of removing the man from his grandkids.

 

I don't even know how I would start to deal with this. The son obviously has a lot of issues regarding the death of his mother, and being replaced in his Fathers affections (seems to be that he can't bear for you to have his Fathers attention over him). The Father holds a lot of guilt over their Mothers death and fear over losing his grandkids.

 

The rest of the family are obviously led by their sibling and will make their choices bases on his decrees.

 

So it's entirely possibly that Dad will lose out on family time with them as well.

 

It's a horrible situation, but I don't know what the good compromise is long as the son remains so bull headed.

[VG75]

Hi DN,

I was once told that power is something that is given by others, not taken. Control is something that is taken by someone. He is being given power by the family that is not confronting him. The more they stay silent, the more power they give him. Obviously, I do not want to lose the relationship over this. However, I feel belittled, disrespected and humiliated by my BF's actions or lack thereof. I tried calling him about an hour ago but he is not answering his phone. I think that he is angry with me for the way I am feeling. He told me last night to stop acting like I am a victim. I don't think he can understand how hurtful it is to me.

[generaldiscord]

From what I tell, you have the advantage. You have a stable and great relationship with this guy, and everybody likes you except this one person who has what everybody realizes is an irrational dislike. Even if your boyfriend is weak to his son (I don't know, out of shared grief?) you can always call his mother and complain about it. You can appeal to his children, who like you. You can probably even appeal to his wife. Basically, no man in his right mind would support the right of his son to sulk over the right of his girlfriend of 12 long years to be finally accepted and embraced as part of the family. The son would be upset for sure, but what is he going to do? Disinherit his dad? Naw, he'll be mad for a year and then everything will be fine.

 

You know, my great aunts had a family feud that lasted for 2 decades about some triviality. They always were playing these games with everybody in the family. Birthdays, christinings, weddings, even funerals, "I WONT COME IF SHE COMES" was always the refrain. Of course everybody had an opinion on who was in the right, and every party had either one aunt or the other. Eventually, everybody got together and made the collective decision that we were all TIRED of the argument, and that nobody would invite either of them until they made up.

 

Everybody was in agreement, of course, except the great aunts, who were so furious that they ended up being friends again and have since then been at every party filling the vital role of food critic.