My BF of 12 years excludes me from family functions involving his grown children

[lady00]

You, DN, are empathizing an awful lot with the boyfriend. But you don't get to choose what sacrifices the OP is supposed to make. She's already spent more than a decade being excluded, I don't see how anybody can expect her to tolerate that forever or even for another year.

 

Many people do deal with similar situations (e.g. in the case of prejudice) where their spouse is not accepted by their family and yet they (understandably) want to maintain a relationship with their family. It's an unfortunate situation of course, but it doesn't mean that the relationship can't work or should end.

[DN]

You, DN, are empathizing an awful lot with the boyfriend. But you don't get to choose what sacrifices the OP is supposed to make. She's already spent more than a decade being excluded, I don't see how anybody can expect her to tolerate that forever or even for another year.

She doesn't have tolerate anything - she is an adult and can make her own decisions and I have never suggested anything else. So don't twist my words.

 

What I am suggesting is that to pressure him into a situation where he may lose contact with his grandchildren would be unwise and that people who don't have grandchildren may not be able to understand why he won't confront his son.

 

There seems to be an idea that if he does confront the son, his son will give way, admit his mistake and welcome the OP into the family - which is all very good fodder for a Christmas TV special where everyone lives happily ever after. But in the real world things don't happen according to a feel good script. People have a habit of having an agenda of their own and his son may not fall into line.

 

The OP's boyfriend has made his position very clear and was very upfront at the beginning of the relationship - don't force him to choose between the OP and his family. And that choice is what he refusing to precipitate - perhaps because he knows his son better than people posting on here.

 

That isn't empathising - that is giving an opinion as to his likely state of mind from the perspective of someone who actually has grandchildren and has some understanding of the emotions involved. Blaming this man is counter-productive, no one but him can decide what risks he should run.

 

Very often in this sort of situation people egg others on to confront or force an issue - essentially saying "let's you and him fight" because the people doing the egging on have nothing to lose. It's easy to require other people to make sacrifices when you have no idea what those sacrifices entail for that individual.

 

Since her boyfriend has made his position very clear the OP has to fall back on making decisions for herself and what she considers her best interests. Since he is clear on his position and will go thus far and no further then she can accept it or move on. But blaming this man is unfair when the situation is precipitated by his son and he has no power to make his son do anything.

[generaldiscord]

Everybody, including the OP, is trying to find a solution. We all want her to get a family situation she finds acceptable, and that includes her boyfriends feelings. Change is necessary for this to happen. Without change there is not even a chance of success. (Don't twist my words either. I also never said that I wanted the boyfriend to choose between her and his family, and I also never even implied that he should be estranged from them.)

[DN]

You, DN, are empathizing an awful lot with the boyfriend. But you don't get to choose what sacrifices the OP is supposed to make. She's already spent more than a decade being excluded, I don't see how anybody can expect her to tolerate that forever or even for another year.

That is what you said. And i did not even remotely suggest that. And my subsequent remarks were not directed at you in particular but an attempt to point out where this guy may be coming from.

 

The problem is that so many people aren't accepting the fact that no one here can influence the one person who is the root of the issue - the son. And so long as he is intransigent about changing the OP's boyfriend has to choose between her and his family if she pushes this issue and he has made it clear he will not choose her. So the only person left who has a choice is the OP - either accept the situation or leave. But trying to force her boyfriend to invite her to his family functions clearly isn't going to work - he has already compromised as much as he is prepared to. So talking about change is moot - because you can't influence the guy who has to change.

[avman]

Hi there VG. I think both you and your boyfriend are in an impossible situation. If his kids were young well I could see where him "putting his foot down" could be effective. But with the oldest son near 40 he really has little to no influence over them anymore. Some people simply do not compromise and it's their way or no way. His son sounds like one of those people. And sadly his son has an extremely effective way to extort the behavior he wants - he has the power over the grandchildren. If there is a more powerful way to manipulate than a child well I haven't heard of it. It is no wonder your boyfriend is very reluctant to risk loss of access to them.

 

I don't think there are many choices available here to be honest. Your boyfriend is unlikely to provoke a situation where he could lose access to the grandkids. He just won't do it. I've got a case right now where there is extortion going on over a grandchild and the grandparents will literally do anything including committing crimes and lying to police in order to keep seeing that child. Your boyfriend also warned you not to ask him to choose between them and you. What that really means is "Don't ask me to choose because I won't choose you."

 

That leaves you in the unenviable position of either living with it the way it is or ending the relationship because you can't deal with it. I don't think anybody is going to fault you if you can't accept this situation. This must be very hurtful to the both of you.

[metrogirl]

I wondered if I would ever see another person here with a similar situation as mine. I also have a boyfriend of almost 6 years who's family detests me. To them, I was the woman that took their father away from their mother. I have been excluded from absolutely everything, from weddings to funerals. As you could imagine, not being able to be there to support my boyfriend when he is grieving the loss of a family member is quite painful.

 

At first, it used to bother me a lot. I thought if he would put his foot down and explain to his children that I am not the homewrecker they seem to think I am and that I am a decent person that just wants to know them at least on a civil level that they might actually like me. He would never budge, he said that they had already told him they wanted nothing to do with me ever so don't even try to introduce all of us.

 

He said to me one day, "I could take you but I know my family would make you miserable and why would you want to subject yourself to their behavior"? He's right, no amount of forcing my way in would ever make them like me or even accept me, it is what it is so I just let him do what he needs to when he needs to without resentment on my part. I know it's a hard situation for him to be in, I bet he would like for nothing else than for everyone to get along famously but it's not going to happen.

 

You can't make them like you, you can't make them tolerate you. You know you are a good person and it is their loss if they don't want to take the time to get to know you.

 

I just wanted to touch on the grandchildren thing real quick. I have been blessed with 5 lovely grandbabies. Many people here on the forum know that I went through hell and back a few years ago when I was seperated from my grandbabies and I honestly thought the essence of my soul was dead without them. They are my reason for being everything wonderful that I can be and I would never, could never jeopardize not having them in my life. So if I was in a similar position, I would do everything I could to pacify everyone because in the end, a grandparent missing their grandchildren is pure torture.

[DN]

Thank you for giving that perspective - it encapsulates what I have been trying to point out.

[Circe]

I hate having to see someone in this situation.. and I hate that this is the advice I have to give.. but I think you should understand that your bf is powerless to make the comrpomise you are seeking. For him to make the compromise, he needs his son's agreement too - which he will never get. So his choice is to lose you (if you walk over this) or lose his kids and grandkids.

 

Being excluded during the family/holiday season is an awful feeling - but it's only a small part of the year, time wise. And this year he has started making moves to include you more.

 

It's a horrible situation. I don't think your bf is treating you like this because he wants to - but because there is simply no other choice - and I think it sounds like it does pain him a lot too. But it also sounds like he's made a firm choice that his kids and grandkids will always be in his life and nothing can threaten that. If he's a good man, and you otherwise have a good relationship.. I think losing out on a substantial part of the holiday/family season is a sacrifice worth making. It's up to you in the end .. but I think you should go on this trip - and forgive him (if forgiveness is what it takes) and accept the fact that there are some things he just can't give you.. no matter how many years go by.. because those things are not in his power to give you without incurring the kind of losses he cannot live with.

 

Don't make this about you or your relationship .. it's not about those things. I'm really sorry about this - its awful and the son is being deplorable but that's the situation you are left with.

[VG75]

Thanks everyone. Here I am, in Europe, having a WONDERFUL time! We spent a beautiful Christmas with his family (brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, in-laws, mother, etc) and all of them have been more than gracious to me. I have been included in every single lunch, dinner, visit and activity. We have plans to spend New Year's Eve and Jan 1 with his family again. The girls are taking me shopping tomorrow while the men will be doing a bit of physical work at a family farm. So glad I took the advice of most of you and put this behind me for the time being.

 

I have talked one-on-one with his mother about the situation, as suggested. She got very emotional and cried and she said she knew this had been going on. She said that she cannot put herself in the situation for fear that it might divide the family. She also said that my BF is the head of that household and he is the one who should decide how to handle it. I completely understand her perspective, but I feel much better knowing that she is aware of the situation.

 

My BF and I have had alot of quality time together while we are here and we have been able to talk this out quite a bit. It does not look like the holidays will change anytime soon, but he has brought up the subject of buildling a house together. He had recently purchased some property and already has a building permit for a new home. We may start to build in the near future. Things are looking ok so far. I am very fortunate that my BF had enough sensitivity and consideration to take me away from the drama with his son for most of the holidays.

 

Thanks again for all of your perspectives on the situation. All of your posts have been extremely helpful.

[Circe]

Happy to hear things worked out and you're having a good time

[DN]

Glad to hear you are having a great time. Perhaps if his son hears positive things about you from the family he may change his perspective.

[metrogirl]

That is really nice to hear. I hope everything works out for you.

[avman]

Glad to hear it VG75. At least the rest of his family is welcoming and inclusive. This must be something limited just to that one son.

[generaldiscord]

There's a little speck of dust in my eye...

 

I hope you are happy with the new situation, and that you and your boyfriend find the peace you are searching for! Family is never perfect, and nobody can expect things to change overnight, but positive change is so good! I wish you both a beautiful holiday season and a fantastic new year!

[thejigsup]

I was left out of my bf's grown kid's family get together's for many years. I understood. Their mother was there and things could have gotten uncomfortable. I just spent time with my own friends and family when those times came up. After several years, 10, I just started being invited to some of those things because by that time, I was kind of considered one of the family. Now I have met his grandkids and they love me. His son's (he has four sons) all like me and ask for me all the time. By not interfering with their family, I was not a threat and became accepted. Just be patient and think of things from his perspective. He can't be entirely happy with the situation, why make it worse?

[VG75]

Thanks for sharing your similar situation. Now that the holidays are behind us and we are back home, it seems that things are back to normal. The trip away brought my BF and I closer and all of the European family cried when I hugged them goodbye. They want me back anytime, with or without my BF! However, they have made it clear that they will not intervene in the situation with the oldest son. I think that one is a lost cause. I'm glad things are working out for you, thejigsup! Your patience paid out in the end. I hoope I can be as fortunate some day.

[generaldiscord]

I hope you feel well enough to accept the situation at home now. At least you are close to a big part of his family, and that should help you emotionally, especially if your boyfriend isn't willing to shake things up on this side of the pond.

 

I hope that your boyfriend also learned something about how nice it is to be connected as a family, and is prepared to work towards that gently and tactfully.