newwave Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 In a way I wish I would have had sex with him because I fantasize about sex with him. Then this week I find out he couldn't call me because my phone is off (wire problems). However the phone was working last week when he was off work, and he has my cell and my email. I guess I just don't understand why he did this. He got scared and no reason to. Link to comment
lostnscared Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 In a way I wish I would have had sex with him because I fantasize about sex with him. Then this week I find out he couldn't call me because my phone is off (wire problems). However the phone was working last week when he was off work, and he has my cell and my email. I guess I just don't understand why he did this. He got scared and no reason to. Yes but even if your phone was off, wouldn't he have found a way to reach you? I'm not sure what you said in the card you sent him, but for whatever reason(if he got it) he made a conscious decision not to contact you. At this point you can either try to analyze why or just say fock him and move on. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 he has your cell, he has your home address, he has your email address, and even access through facebook. if he wanted to get in touch with you, he would have found a way. one way or another. Men lose interest. Happens every single day. One day a guy is crazy about you, the next you're chopped liver. that's life and dating. Men are simple in this way - when they are interested, you know - they are calling, asking for a date, sending you sweet texts. When they are not, all you hear are crickets. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 In a way I wish I would have had sex with him because I fantasize about sex with him. That's not uncommon, NW. I have had fantasies about past GFs- ones I wasn't sexually involved with. Then this week I find out he couldn't call me because my phone is off (wire problems). However the phone was working last week when he was off work, and he has my cell and my email. I guess I just don't understand why he did this. He got scared and no reason to. Who can understand male-female relationships? As a woman on another board cried out to me in a PM (no names here or the board), "Why must relationships be so hard???" I have no idea why women I used to date or wanted to date wouldn't let me go out with them or let me go further with them in the relationship. Believe me, I would have been a loyal partner and would have loved to show her my love emotionally and sexually... If I had gotten the green light, I would have proceeded and had a relationship. But remember, only one partner can veto the relationship... Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Yes but even if your phone was off, wouldn't he have found a way to reach you? I'm not sure what you said in the card you sent him, but for whatever reason(if he got it) he made a conscious decision not to contact you. At this point you can either try to analyze why or just say fock him and move on. Her card was a very short note. She wisely (not putting pressure on him) didn't say she loved him. Just wished him well or something for Christmas. I think her mom recommended telling him she loved him, NW told us. But she's smart and knows the value of not using that phrase too soon (it personally wouldn't bother me for a girl/woman to tell me that --- I would prob. hug her and get closer to her emotionally). I asked her this earlier in this thread. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 It was a simple card. I said "I miss you and hope to hear from you", then I signed my name. I sent it early in December (around the 10th or so) thinking that it gave him a few weeks to respond. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 you did give him that time and he chose not to respond. as you point out, he had lots of time and lots of ways to get in contact with you. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 ME TO NEW-WAVE... Look at this objectively: what would you think if you read someone else posting what you've posted? Pretend this is someone else's situation: what would you advise? I'd like you to answer this, Newwave. Not to drag this on, but I think an honest answer might be helpful to your situation. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 he has your cell, he has your home address, he has your email address, and even access through facebook. if he wanted to get in touch with you, he would have found a way. one way or another. Newwave, this is spot-on. When I wanted a woman to go out with me or when I wanted to turn a woman I was seeing into a GF or later, a fiance, I in no way was ambiguous or passive! If given the green light, I moved forward and made it clear what I wanted! (in terms of calling her and asking her out). There were no emails back then, so I had to telephone her.... Of course, I wasn't so forward early on (didn't want to come on too strong and scare her away), but kept asking for future dates and when it seemed like she liked me, I proceeded and intensified. It's not hard to tell when a guy is interested in you. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 It doesn't matter anymore because he's not coming back. I'm not going to have a man in my life. The men that always show interest are the fat losers. I'm going to see if any of them have money and play with them. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 It doesn't matter anymore because he's not coming back. I'm not going to have a man in my life. The men that always show interest are the fat losers. I'm going to see if any of them have money and play with them. again this is a weird comment! you shouldn't play with someone else's feelings just because yours are hurt...you have to heal and give yourself time to heal and grieve, because it is like a grieving process....but not play with some other man's emotions...i also believe in karma, you get what you give, so you might be careful with hurting others...i was desperate for most of my life, no friends, no man who ever noticed me, and i was still a good person and i always cared about others, but thought like you, i will never find love, no one wants me, what's the point of life, but guess what, i did meet the love of my life eventually, and he loves me for who i am, the nice and sweet girl i am, and i used to make a list of qualities i wanted in a man and which i didn't, well he had a few that i didn't want but they were not so bad to live with at all!! you have very high demands on what you want in a mam, maybe you need to rethink that or better let it go....just live life, focus on you and finding a job and the rest will fall in place...i met my man at work...so who knows.. i believe the universe gives you what you need not what you want and you can't put a timeframe on it..by stressing so much about love and men, you actually prevent it from happening naturally as is supposed to be....because you are so focussed on this you prevent yourself from being that spontaneous, anf fun woman that would get men to notice you.. if you are so miserable in life, it shows and makes you look unapproachable Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 It doesn't matter anymore because he's not coming back. I'm not going to have a man in my life. The men that always show interest are the fat losers. I'm going to see if any of them have money and play with them. Newwave, good that you finally realize this. None of us wanted you to suffer. We know you loved this guy, but we wanted you to move on. If he happens to come back, good. It will be better for you (and him, ultimately) if you didn't cling to him and improve your life so you have more options. You may feel differently as you date other guys, guys who may want you more than you think is possible now. Gotta say, however, I don't like the direction you're going in the latter statements. I'd seriously reconsider that. Link to comment
jooj Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Everyone goes through those stressors, it's just a part of life which we have to cope with. For example most people have been rejected by someone they loved, lots of people have financial problems and can't find jobs. Your medical condition isn't that bad, some people are so sick that they can barely do anything on their own. Your problems are the type of problems that will get better eventually so you shouldn't kill yourself over them. I'm a medical student and yesterday a 17 year old women came to the ER because she tried to kill herself by drinking Clorex. We asked her why she did that and she told us her story which is a very sad story. When she was 14 years old her parents forced her to marry her cousin who was jobless and an alcoholic. She had 2 children from this man and he started to beat her infront of her kids. Not only that but he married a second wife while he was still married to her and brought that second wife to live with her in the same house. She couldnt take it anymore and asked for a divorce. After she got divorced her husband took the kids and since then she only saw them a few times (in my country the father takes the kids after the divorce). She went back to live in her parents house and one of her brothers tried to rape her but she screamed and he stopped. Her parents did not allow her to leave the house and go anywhere because she is a divorced. All she did was cook and clean and serve her brothers. Then she started talking to a guy and her mother busted her talking to him and she beat her. That's when she couldn't take it anymore and she tried to kill herself. Her mother didn't care to save her and told her you deserve to die so we wont take you to the hospital. One of her brothers felt sorry for her so he took her to the ER so they can save her life. She's only 17 and she went through all this in her life and I don't think it's gonna get any better for her. Now this is the kind of real problems that someone would want to kill themself over and unfortunately in my country lots of girls have similar stories. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Why does everyone think my requirements are high? They really aren't, just never married and no kids. Everything else is bendable and even the marriage part might be bendable in some circumstances. I've always been a good person and look where it got me, single at 40. Because I want a guy like this I am looking now before they disappear. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 NewWave, listen to what Sara says. She makes a lot of sense. It sounds like she was a lot like you, alone for much of her life. But look at how it ended. She's with a guy now. I'm not saying lower your requirements. I'm saying: dial down the temperature, ala lessen your negativity. Cut it out as quickly as possible. Think of that woman at work that was always so negative, saying bad things about everything and everyone, complaining about this and that. Were you drawn to her conversation? Miserable people aren't emotionally attractive people. I don't think one is related to another. Your behaving well didn't make you end up where you are now. So you should have slept with every guy you met, partied like there was no tomorrow (without thinking of the consequences)? You may have ended up raising kids without a father, heartbreak and a load of regrets. Guys respect mature women - women who have their act together and don't accept every offer they get. Don't think so negative. It's counter-productive and won't help you in your desire to be happy. Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 thanks floridaman for that! yes i was in the same position, i had a meaningless job,that payed little, had no friends for a long time, was always picked on, people always made fun of me and teased me which caused huge self esteem issues, i am not very attractive, and i have a sort of handicap which really prevented me to get close to anyone because sooner or later i would have to tell him and i was sure that all men would leave me because of it, i was very lonely, unhappy and sad for most of my life, didn't like my life, always thought is this really living, what's the point, i don't want a life like this... every man i used to have feelings for was already with a girlfriend or wife, and so i got the rush of being in love but not have to really act on those feelings because they were already involved, so it was very safe that way, and i spend many nights crying because they didn't love me and never would but it was all in my head, it wasn't real, it was something to hide behind, i didn't really know then well enough to actually love them, but i could talk about it to others like it was reality, i was in love so therefore i was normal, right? but it was a fantasy... and i had all these things i wanted in a man, he couldn't smoke, couldn't drink, no foreigners, and not be taller than me, and the list went on and on but because i lived in my own fantasyworld, i didn't look approachable at all, my own attitude kept everyone at a distance and also i am very shy so that didn't help either, and it gets often mistaken for being arrogant. i even made myself sick, physically with my own negative thoughts, i spend 11 months at home, not being able to work, in a lot of pain and the doctors found nothing, turned out it was all stress... and i tried to take little steps to change, took a long time but made some good friends that i really trust, tried to be more open at work and not worry so much about what people thought about me... and then suddenly at work, a man comes to work there as well, and i noticed him, i never looked at the men at that office but he stood out, and if he went home, i would look out the window until i couldn't see him anymore, and if he looked at me i would turn red... and he started conversations with me and after a while i found out that i was in love with him, took me a while to realize it because the feeling was different than i ever had before, and he was single, and also a smoking, drinking, foot taller foreigner LOL!!!! my point is that now looking back i know that i was never really in love before, when it's real, you know it and i think that is also the case with you, you have made him into this great fantasy who you can't live without, and put him on a pedestal, when in reality you don't know him really, and he is not worthy of your love and tears and certainly not killing yourself over, because he is the kind of guy who doesn't respond to your messages and your card, so he is not who you made him out to be in your head and that realization hurts, but you need to see this, or else you can never move on from him and find someone else i strongly believe my guy was send to me and it was meant to happen, he believes this too, there are just too many strange things that have happened which i won't go into detail here, but point is, i was working on myself, not focussing on how awful my life was and there he was right now you are holding yourself back from being who you really are and from finding the one who is truly out there for you and i think this for you feels safe, hide behind this wall of pain and selfpity..and i get it because i did it too, i also know you don't want to hear this because neither did i... i have already more than once told you to get help and i still think you need some counceling, and stop believing in the fantasy life that he will come back and all will be perfect, because the truth is if he had any feelings for you at all, be it friendship or love, he would've responded to your messages! i really feel and understand your pain but this is leading nowhere! Link to comment
newwave Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Oh I never have trouble meeting guys. Being pretty and slender has it's positives. It's just where I live (I plan to move eventually) it's all fathers. I found a singles group about a half hour from me with several never married, childless men around my age. I have lowered my requirements on certain things like age (many of the guys are a few years younger) but not other things (childless is a requirement) Link to comment
sara-pezzini Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 well i just read your other thread about the new guy, he seems to be all you are looking for but you don't want to give it a real chance, you say if the other one comes back,which you know he won't, you'll go back to him,imo this is not fair to that new guy, you're not attracted to him but attraction grows, but you need to be fair and give him a real honest chance or leave him be, because he was clear to you about what he wants and it's not fair to be in it half heartedly and not give him a real chance, you will end up hurting him, and he sounds great.....and all you want in a man...but if you keep thinking negatively you will never be attracted to him because you don't let yourself be... the other guy will not come back...so give this a real chance and leave the negative thinking behind, or else your mind will find excuses not to like him.... also through friendship and really getting to know someone can start the best relationships... Link to comment
newwave Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Well, I'm giving this guy a chance and maybe romance will bloom. No, the other guy isn't coming back. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Well-stated, Sara. You're welcome. Thanks for the suggestions for Newwave. Now, she just needs to put this advice into action. This is a good step... the realization of the reality of the situation. You're leaving fantasyland, Newwave. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, as we ascend the heights of living... Link to comment
newwave Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Well, I'm still not happy this happened to me. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 well, you know, that's life. we don't always get what we want. and sometimes, it means that something even better is out there for you, if you give things a chance. i think part of being happy is seeing the opportunity in many situations. don't get such a narrow view of what will make you happy. Link to comment
ClarenceRutherford Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Well, I'm still not happy this happened to me. It's understandable why you're not happy, esp. at 40. You did everything right, was/is a good girl, yet look what happened? As I said, I felt the same way as I approached 30, which is almost as big as approaching 40 and being single, I imagine. You've learned some lessons, are deepening your faith, are seeking the right kind of relationships and are moving on. Be happy about that. Hang in there, Newwave. You have many friends, including those of us on this forum. We care about you and are here to help. Link to comment
newwave Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 I think that part of it is yes I am 40 and single. I was so sure when we reconnected that he was the one. In reality there were a few warning signs I overlooked but probably shouldn't have (him saying he didn't want to marry, admitting he got screwed over by his ex, thinking various forms of sex were gross, etc). Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 It's important to look out for those "red flags" and not get hung up on someone who clearly doesn't want the same things out of life that you do. In that book I've told you about (If I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?) - the author says that this is one of the biggest reasons people stay single. they aren't focusing on people who want the same things they do. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.