If my life doesn't get better I will kill myself

[Shyguy20]

Come on, "fixing" this yourself aka killing yourself won't do any good but only do worse things. Just because some people on here don't like you, doesn't mean we all don't like you. You'll find someone, sooner or later. You don't need to kill yourself.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Wow newwave, I'm so used to reading you around here that it really shocks me to find you in a suicide thread. Sad...

 

Actually if you are willing to get lesser jobs, a good way to avoid the "overqualified" thign is to just lie. Ommit your master, change your working experience. They usually won't bother confirming your past experience to hire someone in McDonalds, and even if they found out, why would they complain if reality is actually BETTER than what you told?

Newwave, this is good advice.

I too was unemployed about 10 years ago in another recession and kept getting doors slammed in my face, while the younger people (I was near 40) got all the jobs, so it seemed.

 

I developed about 4 resumes:

-"ABC industry veteran..." for the field I had a lot of experience in and trumpeted that experience and interest employers in that field. Such a resume would likely turn off an employer that wouldn't be impressed or would think, "He only knows agriculture or education or TV news..."

Would send other "broader" resumes for employers in other fields.

-"communications specialist." A general one to cover many fields.

-"video writer/producer" again more specialized.

-General work history. Just names of co's so I could get a lower-paying job at retail, to not look overqualified, which the other resumes portrayed me as.

 

Highlight your skills and what you've learned in the business world in all the resumes, of course.

 

On relationships, put that aside now and focus on career. When things get more settled in that area, you can focus more on your love life.

 

The advice others have given on your life and relationships is good as well.

 

You are special, loved, imporant and have a lot to offer an employer and a man.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I know it could be worse, but it just feels hopeless at times. I know he's not coming back, I am having a hard time thinking of this. This is why I don't think I want to seriously date anyone else, because of these moods swings (which I've never had before now). Actually in a way I hope he never does come back because then I'll have to fix this by myself. All I want is a job and a man and feel neither one will happen.

The bolded part is a postive step you said maybe without knowing it.

"Fixing it' means seeing someone qualified to help you with your troubles, much like you wouldn't fix your car if you knew nothing about auto repair, right?

 

We all want things, newwave.

Those things will come in time, however, but maybe not together.

 

One may be better to have now with the other coming once you gain some more self-confidence in getting employed and improving that area of your life.

 

You certainly don't need all the rejection that comes from dating at a time you're trying to keep a stiff upper lip in the minefield of finding a job.

 

Believe me, I know where you have been and was unemployed for a long time after earning my Masters. Of course I would notice other women and couples and wished I could have a woman who loved me (I deserved this as well!!), but I didn't have the money to take girls out (women generally don't like to date unemployed men), had barely enough $$ to feed myself and put gas in my car and I realized I really needed to focus on a more paramount issue.

 

**** I PM'd you about something but wasn't aware until reading this post of how grave a situation you are facing in your life. I hope the PM's weren't at all insensitive to you situation, which I didn't realize at the time.

[Yaz]

I know it could be worse, but it just feels hopeless at times. I know he's not coming back, I am having a hard time thinking of this. This is why I don't think I want to seriously date anyone else, because of these moods swings (which I've never had before now). Actually in a way I hope he never does come back because then I'll have to fix this by myself. All I want is a job and a man and feel neither one will happen.

 

Newwave, you know I love you for who you are and think you're a good person who is able to offer the best of friendship and probably heaps more. I might just be a faceless person, but I think I count. I think you count, too - because you count to me.

 

Please, just don't end it all. If you're that desperate - just move over here and we'll live together in a hut, bake cookies and drink tea all the time. It will get better.

[newwave]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling a lot better today. I've never considered suicide before and am really feeling hopeless at times. I'm sure eventually I'll get a job (hopefully). Guy wise, hard to say if he'll come back but maybe I'll meet a better guy. Or maybe he will come back in time.

 

 

 

I've done all of this with resumes and still nothing. I know it's the economy but frustrating when recent grads are getting jobs I want.

[Shyguy20]

Good. . .now just stay the way you are. We don't want you to hurt yourself. We all love you. . . we don't want you to get hurt or anything.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling a lot better today. I've never considered suicide before and am really feeling hopeless at times. I'm sure eventually I'll get a job (hopefully). Guy wise, hard to say if he'll come back but maybe I'll meet a better guy. Or maybe he will come back in time.

....

I've done all of this with resumes and still nothing. I know it's the economy but frustrating when recent grads are getting jobs I want.

I know it's hard to find jobs. I was out of work for a year in 1990 and in 2000 (I'm hoping the trend of losing my job every 10 years doesn't continue!!!)

 

I just turned down an opty. to return to my co's HQs city bec. the home here won't sell, so I'm stuck here in Fla. But there could be worse things... I'd really hate to find out what it's like to find a job...

 

Newwave, you need to focus on your career now and worry about relationships a little later.

I know you feel it's getting late for finding love, but solving the career problem might help in your confidence in resolving the other issue. I didn't date when I was out of work as I couldn't afford it and didn't think I'd be that attractive to women by telling them I was looking for work... Plus, you may have more opportunities to meet more men at your new job or as a function of your job (travel, interacting with clients, etc.)

 

I don't know what part of ILL you live, but perhaps consider applying for jobs in larger cities. I know there aren't many jobs open, but do some searching. It might be worth a move (don't know if you own your own home so moving may not be feasible).

 

When I was unemployed the first time, I spent some time in one nearby state with my brother and searched for work there, with my mom who lived in another nearby state and in another state with my dad. You're still single so it may be more feasible at this time in your life.

[MasterPo]

When times get difficult, sometimes it helps to read about the misfortunes of others and learn from their triumphs. Perhaps that may be a solution you seek. If it were possible people would take a slice of your pain and endure with you, we can only listen and offer our solutions to life. Be well my friend.

[newwave]

I apply for jobs in Chicago because I live about 45 minutes from there (and hope to eventually move there). My last job was downtown and what was interesting was I worked with several people older than me who all got married in their mid 40's for the first time. I am mainly concentrating on my job situation but feel the biological clock ticking, add in that I want a never married childless man and there feels a rush. I know there are these guys even into the mid 40's (I've known many and see hundreds on Match) but still afraid they'll be gone in a few years.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I apply for jobs in Chicago because I live about 45 minutes from there (and hope to eventually move there). My last job was downtown and what was interesting was I worked with several people older than me who all got married in their mid 40's for the first time. I am mainly concentrating on my job situation but feel the biological clock ticking, add in that I want a never married childless man and there feels a rush. I know there are these guys even into the mid 40's (I've known many and see hundreds on Match) but still afraid they'll be gone in a few years.

Good to hear you are focusing your energies in the right direction.

You won't likely meet men on job interviews, but getting a job could help expand your social network and lead to more opportunities...

 

Don't worry about supply of men just yet. There are always going to be men available.

There will likely be more single, never-married men in their 40s in the corporate cubicle land.

 

I know a former coworker who's in his low 40s so he might be someone you could go out with if he were in CHI. We're Facebook friends. He talks about his new "girlfriend" he has never met from the Domincan Republic and some other woman from Russia, so he's looking at international dating sites.

 

See? He's just as desparate as women like you. I know he's likely lonely too.

 

I admit it will be tougher finding a "never married" man, but keep searching.

I know your feelings on dating divorce's, but you do realize you limit your opportunities?

 

I have known single never-married women who have married divorced men and vice versa.

As long as the guy meets your other standards (has a job, similar faith, doesn't smoke, not a heavy drinker/partier and of smilar outlook and temperment to you, etc.) you can fall in love with anyone.

The trick I think is to meet a divorced man who's not bitter about his ex and doesn't constantly only talk about his ex in dates, which I know turns you off...

[ClarenceRutherford]

Newwave, as you aren't allowed to get PMs, here's a good post by SuperDave, whom I only recently heard of on another board (someone here who also posts on the other board), posted this which might be good to help in your healing.

 

 

The post is about healing after a break-up, but skimming it, it looks like his insights could apply to your situation as well and provide you some needed insights.

If Mr. or Ms. Right just slipped out the door, let them walk. You can’t control them. You can only control you. Sure it hurts but you can get through this. Do not allow yourself to be broken long. To feel sorry for yourself is normal for a short while but realize tomorrow is a new day. Make the best of the short time you have on this earth. Are you seriously going to allow someone to rock your boat that you can’t continue your life journey? Are you kidding me? Throw them off your boat and sail on. You can do anything you want because you are you. Don’t let anyone make you feel unloved. Have enough self love and confidence that you can suffice with or without your ex.

 

I do hope you feel better about your life.

[newwave]

I know there are never married men so I still have hope. I don't date divorced men for many reasons, including religion.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I know there are never married men so I still have hope. I don't date divorced men for many reasons, including religion.

I know that, newwave. I've seen your posts. I didn't really want to date divorced women, esp. ones with kids, when I was single. Didn't interest me in the slightest.

 

It wasn't bec. I thought of them as "used girls."

However, I could picture meeting one and maybe falling in love with one if everything else worked well. Still, I didn't focus on it and searched for women who were similar to me in never married, no kids, etc. So I can certainly understand your views here.

 

After getting pregnant without a father, my sister met a guy who lovingly took her in and became a father to her first child. He was a single man in his 20s with no kids.

I don't really know his dating experience, but they're in love and he has shown his comitment to her and taught her what real love is.

 

This all of course depends on the divorced man. I imagine some are real gems while others are jerks. You may find a diamond in the rough. Ya never know.

You need to consider what standards are negotiable.

If a divorced guy met all your other requirements, and didn't alway rag on his ex, and wasn't in some bitter fight with his ex, why not consider him?

 

Just sayin' you may be thinning out the herd a little too much here and cheat yourself out of some options .

[newwave]

I'm find with not loosening this standard. Yes there are many great divorced men, but I am Catholic and disapprove of divorce. If he got the marriage annulled (and it was a short one) then I might consider. Otherwise, no.

[catfeeder]

I'm find with not loosening this standard. Yes there are many great divorced men, but I am Catholic and disapprove of divorce. If he got the marriage annulled (and it was a short one) then I might consider. Otherwise, no.

 

That's really good news about your adherence to religious standards, NW. I'm just confused by the one standard for dating even while threats of offing yourself don't exactly align with any teachings I've ever learned.

[newwave]

That's really good news about your adherence to religious standards, NW. I'm just confused by the one standard for dating even while threats of offing yourself don't exactly align with any teachings I've ever learned.

 

I just feel depressed so often and feel at times things won't get better. I see people with spouses and I get bitter and jealous. I know it doesn't mean they are happy, but it feels that way to me.

[catfeeder]

I understand. The reason I say it's good news that you hold certain principles is that you have reasons for those. So apply them accross the board. What are your beliefs about dating someone who's divorced? I mean, sure, the church says that's a no-no, but why? What are the consequences if you did that? And what does the same church say about suicide? What would be the consequences for that?

 

If the point to living a principled life has anything to do with what happens to you after you die, then how does that apply to murdering your own God-given body and causing your own death? How would that possibly lead to everlasting peace?

 

If you're willing to ditch the ultimate principle of respect for life in a temper tantrum over not getting what you want, then what difference would it make if you opted to date whoever you want regardless of his marital history?

[savignon]

It's a shame you'd consider suicide before considering that perhaps this just isn't the guy for you. Bad things happen to good people every day so it's just not true that bad things are only happening to you. People who have found their happiness have had to suffer some heartache, adjust their expectations and learn that they weren't "right" about everything from the beginning. Based on your 100s of threads about what your expectations are and your unwillingness to change them, it's no surprise to me that you haven't found your happiness yet. You equate changing with "settling" and "suffering" but to avoid it you suffer to the degree that now you find yourself planning your own funeral. In other words, what you've been doing and how you've been living haven't been working for you. Any suggestion of something new to try you've shot down at length and ad nauseum. Until you're willing to consider some alternatives to how you see things (for example that if *this guy* isn't the one you'll die alone), you're choosing to be miserable.

I'm sorry to see that it's come to this. If you take a look back at all of your other threads, you might be able to recognize how you've chosen to stay really stuck with these thoughts about this guy and your standards/morals/principles and how you've really gotten in the way of your own happiness.

Ask one of the happy people you see how they got to where they are....they likely will not say "I repeated the same thing over and over to myself for years, forsaking any change in opinion until I got what I wanted. If it hadn't turned out this way for me, I would have killed myself". Those people are happy because they've learned to be a little resilient, a little open-minded, have likely failed several times and adjusted their expectations so that they could see their lives through the lens of gratitude and good fortune rather than the "God hates me" kind of mentality.

As it's come to this for you, please recognize the red flags you're sending up and take care of yourself by getting some professional help. Put your pride and beliefs aside for a moment and get back to basics....take care of yourself by seeking some help. With that support, you can establish a healthier outlook on life and attract new things.

Make that choice today and make a phone call.

[newwave]

If by "unwillingness to change" is talking about that I don't date divorced guys (or never married men) with kids, no that won't change. I am not getting into a religious debate, but I have explained many times why this won't bend. Sure, it could mean never finding a guy but I doubt this, since there still are many single men my age and even older on the online sites. If it means changing my job, I am trying that to no luck. There just aren't jobs out there that I can do, and when I see one I either get rejected off the bat, or get an interview and get rejected. No, this isn't my fault because I have had people help my with both my resume and interviewing and none of this is a problem. Besides, until this economy being bad, I had the same resume and interviewing skills and I always got jobs. The economy is bad and this isn't my fault. The fact is some people do have it easier in life than other.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I just feel depressed so often and feel at times things won't get better. I see people with spouses and I get bitter and jealous. I know it doesn't mean they are happy, but it feels that way to me.

Newwave, please don't get to thinking that way. I used to feel that way too during my late 20s when I saw happy couples.

That's their happiness and is not a reflection of you.

If you had the chance to talk with them, I'm sure most of them would want you to be happy and find the same love they have found.

 

Who wouldn't want others to find happiness?

 

I got bitter on another forum, the link removed forum, where someone who wasn't thinking posted this big poll thread having posters rate their marriages in terms of sexual frequency, on like a 1-5 scale with 1 being once a week or so.

 

I got incensed! Why is this thread HERE in the REFUSAL forum? Most of men and women on that board are hurting and don't even get it ONCE A MONTH.

It was clear I was bitter.

 

Yes, I was mad I couldn't even answer the poll as what these other couples were doing were like in another galaxy compared to the sad state my marriage was in.

 

Another female poster said she knows it must hurt for those whose spouses witthold and she kindly asked me to not be jealous and to stop attacking what others were posting when they rated their experiences at 4-5, which meant daily or more frequency.

 

Their happiness wasn't a reflection on me and I shouldn't take that kind of thing personally.

 

Jealousy and bitterness towards others won't help anyone and won't help make your situation any better.

[newwave]

No, but it helps me feel better. Then I question why this is happening to me. I did everything right and I still don't get who I want.

[catfeeder]

No, but it helps me feel better. Then I question why this is happening to me. I did everything right and I still don't get who I want.

 

How does staying stuck in a temper tantrum make you feel better? Newwave, nobody is guaranteed anything, especially not where free will allows other people to make their own choices. Everyone has had their heart broken. Your pain is valid, your grief is natural. You get to decide whether to ruin your own life over one guy--and for how long. Doing so doesn't punish him or anybody else, it punishes you. For what purpose?

[newwave]

No nobody is guaranteed anything, but I do question why I'm having a hard time getting him to be with me, or at least finding a decent man if he doesn't come back. My mom suggested to let him go and try online dating again but last time I had zero luck. Besides, I want to be with him and I know that even if I meet someone else, I won't want them. I actually had a dream last night where I married a guy on the rebound that had everything I wanted but we got divorced because he wasn't the one I wanted (and in effect making me divorced which I generally oppose).

[ClarenceRutherford]

No nobody is guaranteed anything, but I do question why I'm having a hard time getting him to be with me, or at least finding a decent man if he doesn't come back. My mom suggested to let him go and try online dating again but last time I had zero luck. Besides, I want to be with him and I know that even if I meet someone else, I won't want them.

That sounds like a good suggestion from your mom.

Myself and others have counseled you that it's time to move on.

 

If you don't look elsewhere, you're not going to find "a decent man."

 

How firm is the drop-dead date in your "lady in waiting" timeline?

[newwave]

Well, online is something I'll do if I can't find someone in other ways. Online never worked for me.