If my life doesn't get better I will kill myself

[ClarenceRutherford]

Repeating: How firm is the drop-dead date in your "lady in waiting" timeline, newwave?

[newwave]

Firm but not too firm. After all, until my job situation clears I can't do much anyway.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Sounds good. I saw your earlier "deadline" and wanted to know what you were thinking.

 

When you get a chance, respond to an email I sent you. I have another personal question I'd like to ask you but off the boards...

[shellov]

Newwave, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling very unwell. I am in a similar boat right now and it really does suck the life out of you, so I don't blame you for feeling like this. I have resolved to the idea that I am just too unfit to find someone and I will be alone until I sooner or later die. I am researching ways on how to end my life because, frankly, I am really exhausted and done. I am not gonna create blanket statements and tell you that things will get better (sometimes, they DO get worse... and worse). Best of luck-- because sometimes, in these situations, luck is the only thing we lack and desperately need. And while others seem to say things that give us momentary hope, it doesn't alleviate us from the things that cause us suffering.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Jealousy and bitterness towards others won't help anyone and won't help make your situation any better.

No, but it helps me feel better. Then I question why this is happening to me. I did everything right and I still don't get who I want.

I did everything right as well. During my 20s, I didn't pressure women for sex, only cared about their interests and feelings, and tried to build relationships as I was a "relationship-first" man. (I figured the great sex would come later- it did, just some years later than I wanted).

 

Things looked bleak as I got closer to 30.... a big time in a single man's life.

I didn't know it then, but there were many women out there looking for life partners like me... So why couldn't I be successful with any of them? Just one? Like landing a job, it only takes one.

So trust me, Newwave, I do know where you're coming from.

 

Doing everything right, however, doesn't always mean getting what you want in relationships or in jobs. Sometimes, there are circumstances beyond your control.

[annie24]

newwave, i am sorry you are feeling like this. i hope you please go to a therapist, or get some sort of professional help. suicide is not the answer. like you, i am single and looking for a job. half my family members have died of cancer. including my dad. granted, i have a job right now (for a few months at least). but i feel quite optimistic. i think what you have to do is be flexible. not everything happens the way you want it to.

 

first off, i'm not convinced a man or marriage are the answer. sure, having a good relationship is wonderful. but there are a lot of people out there in miserable, unhappy marriages. i'm sure you can think of close friends or family members who appear to have the ideal marriage on the outside, but when you get to know them, you find out that is not the case at all.

 

you have to look at your challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow. expand your job search throughout the country or the world. refresh your resume. and like someone else said - have different resumes, depending on what you are looking for. tailor each resume and cover letter to each specific job and company. and don't just apply to advertised jobs - don't be afraid to 'cold call.' - that is, contact people who work for a company you would like to work for and ask if there will be any job openings. i think that can be an effective way to get the inside edge. i figure it this way - when you respond to an ad, hundreds of people are going to apply. when you apply out of the blue - they might actually give you a shot. for example, someone might be about to retire in 4 months, or someone is going on maternity leave.

 

are you religious newwave? maybe now is a good time to return to your faith. or just look at things from another point of view - if someone is not happening as you want it, maybe it's because God/the universe/spiritual forces don't want that path for you. so you have to be flexible and open-minded and try new things. be ready for new opportunities. i think a lot of what is holding you back is your rigidity.

 

hang in there.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Yes, people say things to provide momentary hope.

These people (myself included) are not in your or Newwave's head, or living with either of you like family, so what else can we do? We only know your situation through the posts.

We do care.

 

shellov,

I know this is Newwave's thread, but we don't need another suicide case here.

Can't you find anything to be positive about your life?

 

I cannot believe all is not well and things are as bleak as you say.

[IsThisIt]

newwave -- I feel for you.

 

Don't forget that there is a lot more to life than jobs, money, relationships, health, though those things are all important. Against all the odds, we exist. The fact that our particular sperm and egg combinations occurred was a billion to one. The fact that there is even life on this planet at all is several trillion to one. Of all living things, over the millions of years that there has been life on this planet, we are the only life form that is not only conscious, but self-conscious. Homo Sapiens have been around for 190,000 years, almost all of which were the exact same monotonous terrible short life-- until about 10,000 years ago when the ice age ended. Progress started to occur, for the first time in almost 200,000 years, and by about 5,000 years ago, the earliest civilizations were born. Progress has been occurring at greater and greater levels as time has moved forward, and now it is at breakneck speed. I mean, just 20 years ago, the internet was basically non-existent in any real meaningful way. AOL and compuserve was where it was at. 100 years ago, houses didn't come with electricity. So for 180,000 years, there was zero progress, every generation lived exactly like every past generation (and almost all of that time was pre-language so we were little more than wild animals). and yet now, a central force that so dramatically structures our lives -- the internet -- didn't even really exist not even 20 years ago.

 

Why is all of this relevant? We are lucky as hell to be here, to get to have this experience. No lottery invented by humans has ever had such impossibly low odds as the odds we surpassed to be here, existing and aware of our existence. The universe is infinitely vast, and the amount of matter that constitutes our bodies is trivially small, and yet of all the matter in the universe, we (we sentient beings, i.e., us + whatever other intelligent life exists somewhere out there) are the only part of the universe that gets to experience knowledge of itself. Think about it. It's kind of stunning, almost overwhelming to think about.

 

Think of all the things we can do and feel and experience that are so peculiar to our form of life, our impossibly lucky circumstances. 99.9999% of homo sapiens that ever lived never got to watch tv, use a computer, or heck, even read a book. Look at a line or two of poetry. Hold it in your mind, think about it, *appreciate* it. Marvel at its lyrical composition, its ability to refer to the sublime, its musical sound. That's an experience that we are impossibly lucky to be able to have.

 

Watch a sunset. Smile at a stranger. Teach somebody something. Work a crossword puzzle. Try to talk someone out of hurting them self.

 

Don't focus on what is bad in your life. Instead, try to appreciate and treasure the marvelous wonder that falls within the horizon of possible human experience. We are just monkeys that think a little bit too much of ourselves--- but on the other hand, we are really kind of clever.

 

Life is so short as it is. The only thing unfair about life is that despite all these wondrous aspects of living, life is short and finite. Don't waste it. And don't waste any more time than you have to on negative thoughts when there is such a surplus of positive things to think about and toward which you may orient yourself.

[newwave]

Great responses, and I am starting to feel better. In fact today I had an interview and while it's not a job I would be thrilled to have, the fact that I got an interview was amazing. The interviewer told me she got over 60 responses and called back the top 10, of which I was one of those. I'm starting to see jobs and I feel in my heart this year will be better.

 

As for the guy, I wish I knew what was going on with that but only time will tell. I still feel he's the one and I even think of growing older with him. Then I've been reading the getting together threads and feel hopeful he will return. If not, I've been checking out the local religious singles groups and found out the several of them have guys within a few years of my age who are single. However, I am putting this off until the spring only because of the bad winters we get and also I'd hate to drag a new guy into this drama, especially if the guy I want comes back. Then again there is always the possibility I'll meet someone better and he never will come back, or I won't meet any guys at the events. I actually think that part of this is that I'm not supposed to get serious with anyone until my job situation clears.

 

Not to get into religion, but I once had a dream I was chatting with a deceased relative and he told me to try social service organizations and that the one I want will come back, and we will marry, once my job situation clears. It was so real, like I really was chatting to him. He also told me not to worry, things will get better. This kind of reminds me of my late 20's when I felt nothing would get better and it did.

[annie24]

Congrats Newwave on the interview!!! That is great. I hope things work out for you on the job front.

 

regarding "the guy" - you know what - it's January 4th. Drop it. He's way past his deadline, you need to just move on for good. don't think about him, don't say his name, certainly don't hope he comes back if you do this or that. you need to start off with a fresh start to 2011, heal as quickly as you can so you can meet a new guy - an even better guy!!!

[ClarenceRutherford]

Congrats Newwave on the interview!!! That is great. I hope things work out for you on the job front.

 

regarding "the guy" - you know what - it's January 4th. Drop it. He's way past his deadline, you need to just move on for good. don't think about him, don't say his name, certainly don't hope he comes back if you do this or that. you need to start off with a fresh start to 2011, heal as quickly as you can so you can meet a new guy - an even better guy!!!

Let me second this emotion. Good advice.

I'd hate to drag a new guy into this drama, especially if the guy I want comes back. Then again there is always the possibility I'll meet someone better and he never will come back, or I won't meet any guys at the events. I actually think that part of this is that I'm not supposed to get serious with anyone until my job situation clears.

You are always saying you want to wait, in terms of physical intimacy. Perhaps it's good to wait in this case - wait to seriously date until as well after you get back on your career feet.

 

By drama, you're meaning your career situation, correct?

I see you've gone on some dates in the last couple of months. On those dates, I'm assuming you don't talk about what you post here, right?

 

Maybe you could bring some of those things up... but that would need to be much later in the relationship as such things could scare a guy away...

[newwave]

Congrats Newwave on the interview!!! That is great. I hope things work out for you on the job front.

 

regarding "the guy" - you know what - it's January 4th. Drop it. He's way past his deadline, you need to just move on for good. don't think about him, don't say his name, certainly don't hope he comes back if you do this or that. you need to start off with a fresh start to 2011, heal as quickly as you can so you can meet a new guy - an even better guy!!!

 

Thanks, I am happy I had an interview. While it's not my dream job and I probably won't get it, it feels like the beginning of a better job situation. If nothing else, maybe I'll get a job this year.

 

I'm trying to move on from him, but it's still hard. I read all the getting back together stories and hope we get back together. I dream about him every night and keep hearing a voice to give him time. I don't know if it's wishful thinking or just how it is now. I did find out that the singles group I am going to has several guys, but no guarantee any of them will be the one.

[newwave]

Let me second this emotion. Good advice.

 

You are always saying you want to wait, in terms of physical intimacy. Perhaps it's good to wait in this case - wait to seriously date until as well after you get back on your career feet.

 

By drama, you're meaning your career situation, correct?

I see you've gone on some dates in the last couple of months. On those dates, I'm assuming you don't talk about what you post here, right?

 

Maybe you could bring some of those things up... but that would need to be much later in the relationship as such things could scare a guy away...

 

Yes my job situation is more important right now to me than a man. I have gone on two dates but neither guy was for me. One guy went back to his exgirlfriend and the other just not my type. I'm not planning on sleeping with any guy now anyway, and hope to wait until marriage. Actually, at this point the idea of sleeping with a man not the one I want actually repulses me. Having a child with a guy not the one I want repulses me now. I don't know if this is a temporary thing but it literally makes me sick.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I'm trying to move on from him, but it's still hard.

Yes my job situation is more important right now to me than a man.

Newwave,

Good to hear you're moving forward.

I see your "deadline" passed and you're going ahead with your life.

 

Given the title of this thread (I know you're no longer entertaining such harmful thoughts), thought I'd recommend a book to you. I didn't PM you this bec. I think others might benefit from reading it.

 

On negativity, you gotta love yourself before you can love others.

I recently found this book in a box and read it on a flight. Someone gave it to me and my wife years ago

 

Born for Love: Reflections on Loving by Leo Buscaglia

link removed

That book is a very easy read ... very small 1-page chapters or paragraphs on what love really is... not just love between a man and a woman.

Though it isn't a book specifically on dating, I think it might help you in your dating life. It could change your perspective.

[newwave]

Years ago I read that book and Buscaglia had very good books and articles. I forget, was he a psychologist? I will admit that I am completely devastated that the man I wanted so far hasn't come back. I thought for sure he would after I sent a card. It's been close to a month when I sent a card and nothing. I've left messages on his Facebook (from snooping I see he's been online) but nothing. The idea of being with another man completely repulses me right now. I've been lurking on various sites and all I see is pure hatred against these guys I don't know. Several of them on the religious sites state they want to be husbands and fathers and all I can think about is how much I'd hate being with them and would hate our unborn child. In my mind I see a scenario where I married one of them, we have a child and I'd hate both, especially if it was a boy. I know it's possible one of them would be great for me but all I see now is pure hatred. I even want to join a singles group just to hurt an innocent guy. I know in theory this probably wouldn't happen (I might even fall for one of these guys) I have rage right now.

[annie24]

i have to say that your rage is misdirected at these guys who have done nothing to you. the guy you liked for so long, you sent him a card and tried to contact him on facebook and he ignores all attempts (did you two have a falling out or something?) these other guys on internet dating sites - they have done nothing to you. they just want to find a match. why rage out at them? why not be angry at your ex?

[newwave]

i have to say that your rage is misdirected at these guys who have done nothing to you. the guy you liked for so long, you sent him a card and tried to contact him on facebook and he ignores all attempts (did you two have a falling out or something?) these other guys on internet dating sites - they have done nothing to you. they just want to find a match. why rage out at them? why not be angry at your ex?

 

No we had no arguments at all, which makes this even strange. I can't explain why I am mad at these others guys because no they didn't do anything. In fact several of them could be better matches for me. I'm not contacting these particular guys (this is a religious dating site where you have to pay to send messages). I really can't explain it, because these guys state they want to be husbands and fathers, and being a religious site they are probably honest.

[lostnscared]

NW, are you back to hurting men again? What happened, just a few weeks ago it seemed as though you were positive and happy?

[newwave]

NW, are you back to hurting men again? What happened, just a few weeks ago it seemed as though you were positive and happy?

 

No I'm not hurting these particular men because I don't have a membership to this dating site. I am flirting with guys on a free site, but mostly these are guys either looking for sex or likely married. I have no qualms about hurting these types of men. The decent guys, no it's just a fantasy.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Newwave, I don't like where this is going.

It sounds like you're getting all negative again with the new year.

 

Why hate others?

Those men haven't harmed you.

 

Hurting others isn't gonna help your situation.

 

Please, reread that book.

 

Here are some morsels from Buscaglia:

 

Don't go out and deliberately seek to harm others. That will backfire big-time.

Just like in a job seach, if you're not feeling confident about yourself or others, people sense anger and bitterness.

[lostnscared]

I don't really understand NW, what triggered these negative feelings? It seems like weeks ago you were optimistic, happy, and confident about getting married, and finding a job. What has happened in the last couple of weeks that has made you feel so unhappy and negative?

[newwave]

Honestly, I don't know what triggered it. I was starting to heal but in the back of my mind I thought he'd return. I was in denial telling myself he'd call me, we'd get back together, etc. Then I told myself he was too busy to respond to my email. Now I realize he was on online so it felt like everything I thought was a lie.

[newwave]

Newwave, I don't like where this is going.

It sounds like you're getting all negative again with the new year.

 

Why hate others?

Those men haven't harmed you.

 

Hurting others isn't gonna help your situation.

 

Please, reread that book.

 

Here are some morsels from Buscaglia:

 

Don't go out and deliberately seek to harm others. That will backfire big-time.

Just like in a job seach, if you're not feeling confident about yourself or others, people sense anger and bitterness.

 

Because I am fearful one of them will fall for me and it scares me. I do want to join a singles group to meet someone but at the same time I know I have to wait awhile so the rage disappears. Luckily, I have no choice except to wait because of the weather and I don't like driving far in winter if I don't have to.

[lostnscared]

Honestly, I don't know what triggered it. I was starting to heal but in the back of my mind I thought he'd return. I was in denial telling myself he'd call me, we'd get back together, etc. Then I told myself he was too busy to respond to my email. Now I realize he was on online so it felt like everything I thought was a lie.

 

I'm really sorry. I do really hope you are able to move on from this. Sometimes denial keeps us coping. I'm pregnant right now, and still in denial about it--really it's the denial about what's getting ready to happen that is helping me cope.

[newwave]

I'm really sorry. I do really hope you are able to move on from this. Sometimes denial keeps us coping. I'm pregnant right now, and still in denial about it--really it's the denial about what's getting ready to happen that is helping me cope.

 

I'm sorry to hear that and I saw the thread. I know you wanted kids, but right now is rough so I completely understand how you feel.

 

I have to move on now, I have no choice. I was so sure he'd come back, but nope he didn't. Sure, there's a possibility he will come back but he may not and it scares me. It's funny because I saw the online profiles of several guys at this singles group and they look like they might be better mates than him. Not to mention they are looking for marriage. No saying whether I'd like them or they would me, but proves there are single men out there.