Lining up a replacement when things get rough

[SpottiOtti]

My boyfriend and I were talking last night about a past relationship of his, and he told me that he was already "talking to" another girl before he and his ex split up. He was doing the typical guy thing, where you line up a replacement when the relationship starts getting rocky!

 

I have been guilty of this in the past too. So I guess it's not just a guy thing! I appreciated his honesty, but now I think I'll always have this nagging worry that he will line up a replacement as soon as we hit a rough patch! I told him I regretted doing that in the past, and he said he did too, and wished he had just left when he knew it was time to leave. He also said that he was younger then, and that he was never as committed to that girl as he is to me. And I know he is committed. I know he loves me, and I think this is the guy I'm going to marry, it just feels like I'm home when I'm with him, you know? And I'm pretty positive he feels the same way.

 

I know there is no way for me to know whether this will happen or not happen, and that worrying about it is pointless. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw this up with my trust issues. How can I deal?

[Stay_home]

Personally, I probably wouldn't have shared with you that I had a replacement lined up for when my relationship went south. Comments like that could make the happiest of relationships feel a sudden decline and unsteadiness. It's called insurance, but that doesn't make it right either.

[AmericanHuney]

I wouldn't trust a guy who does things like that, or has in the past. Old habits can come back, especially when things get rough in relationships. I would be cautious if I were you.

 

I've never done that before in any relationship, so I would expect to date someone who hasn't either. It shows that they are capable of being alone. And that matters to me.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, this was his past, and you have done the same.

 

If you take a step back and look at it from another perspective - how can he be sure that you won't do the same with him when things get tough?

 

Nothing in life is guaranteed, and that goes the same for relationships. We all have some sort of risks at one point or another, but the main this is - is it worth taking the risk. If you yourself said this is the man you intend to marry, or see yourself with for a long time. Why not just let bygone be bygone? Focus on the future and leave the past behind.

 

I've done numerous things in the past that I'm not proud of, and I can say the same for my bf. However, I know that we both changed, got older and have a clearer idea of what we truly want.

[Cognitive_Canine]

People do stupid things when they are younger. I've done something similar in the past but won't do it again.

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much as you understand what it means and how this one is different. You've been there before after all.

[capilot]

He was doing the typical guy thing, where you line up a replacement when the relationship starts getting rocky!

 

It's not a "typical guy thing". Women do it too. You do it too.

[Iconoclast]

You should try to be a little more understanding especially if you have done the same thing. If you learned from it then he can too. You have to allow for people to make some mistakes early in life in order to thrive in relationships. People at a young age are especially vulnerable and are not mature enough to realize the consequences of their actions. Try not to punish him for his honesty. He could have done a lot worse trust me.

 

He was doing the typical guy thing, where you line up a replacement when the relationship starts getting rocky!

 

This is blatant misandry. You might want to avoid making comments like that in the future.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks for the replies everyone! Yes, I know it's not just a typical guy thing, and apologize if I came accross as being sexist with that remark. I did say in the next paragraph that since I had done it too, it must not be just a typical guy thing . . . Actually, maybe the reason I phrased it that way is because he said something to that effect, like, "Well, it seems like that's just a guy thing, a lot of guys do that because they're too chicken to just break it off." Something like that. But then I told him that I had been guilty of it too.

 

I definitely give him props for his honesty, and think that since we could have an honest conversation about that, it bodes well for the future. And you are right that I should not punish him for being honest. Thank you for your insight.

[Snny]

Keep in mind of this:

 

Rebounding and cheating are two different things. Rebounding is when you find a person to replace the empty void in your heart after breaking up. Cheating is when you develop an affair, whether it's physical and emotional, before breaking up. Constantly talking or spending time with someone while avoiding your partner is a sign of emotional cheating. The way you phrased it, it sounds to me that your boyfriend admitted to emotional cheating on his ex-girlfriend. Can you really trust this guy?

[Ms Darcy]

Keep in mind of this:

 

Rebounding and cheating are two different things. Rebounding is when you find a person to replace the empty void in your heart after breaking up. Cheating is when you develop an affair, whether it's physical and emotional, before breaking up. Constantly talking or spending time with someone while avoiding your partner is a sign of emotional cheating. The way you phrased it, it sounds to me that your boyfriend admitted to emotional cheating on his ex-girlfriend. Can you really trust this guy?

 

LOL, you should go to the infidelity forum and explain that rebounding is not cheating.

[Snny]

LOL, you should go to the infidelity forum and explain that rebounding is not cheating.

 

It isn't. Really, all it is is when someone dates another person to get over their ex, not while they're in a relationship. Rebounds happen quickly when someone isn't over their feelings for an ex, but still want to date. I'd be more than happy to explain it.

[SpottiOtti]

Yes! Snny hit on the exact reason I am so uneasy about this. How do I know that he won't do the same thing to me when things get rough? Pile that bit of information on top of my pre-existing trust issues, and there you go. How do I know whether he has matured enough not to do it again, and has learned the same lessons I have? What if we move in together and get engaged, and then hit the rocks for some reason, and he pulls the emotional cheating thing with me? I can control my actions, but I can't control his!

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yes! Snny hit on the exact reason I am so uneasy about this. How do I know that he won't do the same thing to me when things get rough? Pile that bit of information on top of my pre-existing trust issues, and there you go. How do I know whether he has matured enough not to do it again, and has learned the same lessons I have? What if we move in together and get engaged, and then hit the rocks for some reason, and he pulls the emotional cheating thing with me? I can control my actions, but I can't control his!

 

Well, what if he goes outside, sees a woman accross the street and decides it's love at first sight!

 

Yes, your lover can leave you. It's weird coming to terms with that but maybe it's better if everyone did. They have the ability to leave you. It'd be hard but they'd get over it. We have the ability to leave them. It can happen.

 

However, give the guy a break. He hasn't done anything wrong and has been a great guy thus far. Why condemn for things he *could* do. If you want a guy who won't leave you, won't treat you badly, won't say things out of turn, and can't fall out of love...you'd have to marry your dog. And even dogs run away sometimes.

[SayWhen]

There is a saying that a man will not leave a woman unless there is someone else that he can go to...that was the case in my last relationship. The same could be said for women but I think women are less likely to fall into that scenario from my own experiences and from what I have seen with my friends.