Name that disorder

[marcs]

Wondering if anyone can tell me if these traits fall under some sort of disorder:

- very insecure and needy - also includes being reassured constantly

- unable to handle critisism or playfully teased i.e. cant take a joke - gets angry and defensive if so

- requires constant affection

- complains that she didnt see me enough, yet on the other hand complains that I rely on her for friendship network yet only have enough time for her and not anyone else

- unable to have a good time without drugs

- Hates wasting time, get angry when time is wasted

- would rather lie than admit the truth to cover up her mistakes

[I_Speak_Jive]

Irritating Princess Disorder

[Oneironaut]

The first thing that came to my head was, "insecure drama queen". I've been doing a lot of research online lately with regards to bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and narcissism, and she doesn't really seem to fall into any of those categories. Just sounds self-centered, and spoiled.

[Circe]

Unable to have a good time without drugs Substance-abuse disorder.

 

Apart from that she has no "disorder". Do you really have a need to classify your ex/current gf as disordered just because you are angry at her?

[marcs]

Unable to have a good time without drugs Substance-abuse disorder.

 

Apart from that she has no "disorder". Do you really have a need to classify your ex/current gf as disordered just because you are angry at her?

 

no I don't have a need. I asked a serious question as to whether it may fall under a certain category as I'm trying to get a better understanding as to why she behaved the way she did thanks for judging me

[Circe]

no I don't have a need. I asked a serious question as to whether it may fall under a certain category as I'm trying to get a better understanding as to why she behaved the way she did thanks for judging me

 

Oh please don't throw out the "thanks for judging" line - if you don't like the question don't answer it. The way you describe her is isn't very different to how a lot of men would describe their exes. And a lot of women could come up with equally negative "traits" for their ex bfs too. Searching for a disorder to classify her under is not the way to feel better about yourself or to move on. The best you can do is look at the relationship to figure out the things you did that you want to learn from in the future. This includes any behaviour from her that you tolerated or encouraged that you probably shouldnt have as well as things you actively did which you regret.

 

Once you've figured that out the best thing you can do is to stop thinking about it. Of course its easier said than done but that's all you can do. Wondering what was wrong with her is something you can do forever and it never has any positive consequence. A lot of people act unfairly, immaturely and inappropriately in relationships. If I were you I'd just look back and think about when that first started to happen and why you continued to tolerate it and make a pact with yourself not to allow yourself to be treated with such disrespect again.

[catfeeder]

[...] Apart from that she has no "disorder". Do you really have a need to classify your ex/current gf as disordered just because you are angry at her?

 

It's not useful to get defensive about this question, it's a beneficial one. Consider what your goal actually is.

 

Any one of the bratty behaviors you listed would be deal breakers for any number of people. They'd just walk away, and without any need for analysis. So the more useful question for yourself would be, "Why did I stay to tolerate all of this from her?"

[lia86]

Yep, just sounds self-centered and spoiled to me. I was the first relationship my ex had EVER where he actually liked and respected his partner. He openly admitted this. Huge red flag, right? Naaaahhhh, I felt flattered.

 

Two years later he has a similar list of characteristics. Mostly just being very "my-way-or-the-highway" and unwilling to compromise. Heck, if it's not working out with one, just bag 'em and move onto the next one! No matter how much you love them! Good luck with that, buddy. I hope this mentality is healthy and beneficial to someone 20 years past college age.

[Diggitydave]

it's called

 

From her perspective not a problem disorder

 

which doesn't mean it's right btw. just manipulative and controlling to me.

[marcs]

I know what I did wrong, I have many regrets i've processed all of that.

 

apart of my healing is to look at every possible aspect of my relationship. So this is just one of the questions I need to resolve in my head. Thats the point of this forum no?

[Cheetarah]

I know what I did wrong, I have many regrets i've processed all of that.

 

apart of my healing is to look at every possible aspect of my relationship. So this is just one of the questions I need to resolve in my head. Thats the point of this forum no?

 

No, it's not. Even if we do have a few qualified mental health professionals amongst us, none that followed their professional code of ethics would ever suggest someone they weren't treating had a disorder, let alone based on a few sentences on an internet message board.

[Triplell]

Not what you are looking for in a gf disorder.

[doiiiieeezie]

Please refer to :

 

It's called you broke up and now you are looking for some kind of explanation.

[Cheetarah]

Attacked, in what form? What do you think it feels like from my end? I have to read post after post, of a place beginning to resemble a 'non' forum. If I knew ENA was going to turn out that way, I would have left a long, LONG time ago.

 

I understand mental health and illness will come up anywhere you have a group of people, because that's just the nature. But some people like to make it a focus, a near obsession, for lack of a better word. In my opinion, there are better places suited for that type of analyzing and discussion, where that IS the focus of the forum.

 

You can rationalize discussing BPD based on behaviors, that's fine. But you cannot expect that everyone see your logic. I don't. Apparently, other people don't either as you express feeling attacked for it(though I have not seen such).

 

I have seen behaviors here that has make me wonder and speculate. But, I don't consider it my place to say something, because I don't know. I could be saying the wrong thing, could be thinking the wrong disorder, and honestly, who am I to make such guesses? And because I can relate to that on a much more personal level, I am especially careful: Because I understand the stigma. BPD is one of the most highly stigmatized mental illnesses there are.

[Cheetarah]

Is what you're doing really any different, then?

 

You are presenting textbook statements and experience as umbrella fact; Many persons with BPD do not act in the same ways, for the same reasons. If that were SO, my mind would still not be reeling over 2 years after a break-up with a man who had the disorder. Furthermore, stating that borderlines do not like to hear it because they'd rather live in denial, is insulting to ME. I am a person with BPD. When you talk about persons with it, I am included by default because of my disorder. Does ANYONE like to read harsh, insulting things, which may or may not be true, depending on each individual situation - Which again, you do not know? It is odd to me, that you feel attacked by someone else's perception, but state that your discussions on so-called BPD relationships are triggering because "most [persons with BPD] want to continue to live in denial". So I hear something along these lines: "It's ok that I discuss this, because the public needs to be educated. However, I feel attacked when someone questions me/misunderstands my intentions." So when did it become ok to stereotype a group as a whole, or an individual based on available information to you - and people are expected to just deal with it - And not question you/pass their OWN judgment, for you will feel attacked by it? That sounds like hypocrisy to me. If you can do what you do, then EXPECT that someone will not agree, and will voice that.

 

What you do, is can be considered insulting to the mental health professionals who have been extensively trained to recognize and/or diagnose various mental illnesses. If not for them you wouldn't even know BPD by it's name. So to make it such a commonality, is an insult to the profession.

 

As for why they don't respond, I don't know. I weighed responding myself....The only person I can control is myself. I may or may not influence the thoughts of others, and I can't count on that. I have to do what is right for me. My opinion remains the same; The only difference, is I am choosing, for the future, to not engage in these types of posts/discussions. I find them more frustrating than constructive/beneficial, because it is such a near and dear issue for me.

[iBroken]

Significantly, I have not been attacked by any BPDer member. The poster calling me "slanderous," for example, is not a BPDer. She says she is the ex-partner of a BPDer. Understandably, many Nons stumbling out of a BPD relationship are so badly hurt that it may be years -- if ever -- before they are receptive to the information I want to share.

 

My post about the slandering was not directed to you specifically. Its a blanket statement as everyone seems to be loosely throwing the BPD term around this board like its the latest fashion craze.

 

The reason I chose to disregard your lengthly post is because that debate will just continue in circles.

 

I myself am fairly educated on BPD since my ex had it. I have gone to counselling for my own issues, and I happen to be one of those Non's who actually made it out okay and is doing well. I am aware of my own issues, and I know what "flags" to look out for in future relationships. I have experience BPD behaviors first hand, I had read many books about them and have even attended therapy sessions with my ex. While Im no expert, Im familiar with the disorder.

 

What I also know is that BPD is often coupled with traits of other disorders. So my issue is that when some behaviors are exhibited, BPD (in general on this board) or Bipolar are thrown around. There is no reference to the other potential disorders that they could be displaying.

 

There is a board available for people who want to create "BPD scenarios" in their heads. link removed. Posters stories there resemble the ones found here on ena, and every non just seems to continue to enable one another. "Oh ya, sounds like she totally has BPD". Then there is another board I frequent that houses the BPD residents. And they cannot stand the focus of BPDforums for the same reason I have an issue with it here. Too many accusations and blanket statements.

 

Why do I take such a personal interest in this? Because despite my ex acting erratically throughout our relationship and ripping my heart into a thousand pieces, I feel bad for her and the stigma that her and any other BPD'er has. I think its insulting to start labelling people we dont know with "demonstrating" traits of a very stigmatic disorder.

[Cheetarah]

Poppa-

 

I OFTEN keep in mind that you are a former professor; I think that drives much of what you say and do, and with that comes an innate ability to pick something down to the bone.

 

It may seem unfair, what I said, but it is true. A person with BPD is included in a blanket statement, by default. Not through any specific finger-pointing. And I don't feel as though you pointed a finger at me anywhere here. I don't ask you to talk me up - I've told you often times I appreciate your compliments. I am STILL a person with BPD, with struggles. And yes, it does matter to me when you bring it up that way, in a thread where I haven't brought it to the table. A lot of people on here don't know my backstory, it's not like it is a widely known fact(to my knowledge, anyway). I don't really want to make it a Public Service Announcement everywhere I go. I feel when I do that, then that becomes what I am known by to people: A person with BPD. It's far more important for me to be a person, first.

 

And Poppa, I have to say that I feel the word 'chastise' is an inappropriate way of describing what I said to you. Chastising indicates deep criticism, a punishment of sorts. I did neither of those things. I politely thanked you for the compliments and asked that you allow me to mention it in a thread first, before you bring it up. I am thinking maybe you are just using the word for the sake of using the word(which is a fun one to roll over your tongue), and you may not really think it was meant in that way. However, if you do, please indicate how, what and why, so I can clear any misunderstandings up with you.

 

I have 'wasted time' reading your posts, because a good chunk of the time, we tend to gravitate towards the same ones(same types of situations), and find myself curious about what you will say. The rest of the time, it's just chance. I will never go into a thread and suggest an OP has borderline traits. I needn't explain why, I already made that clear - But if someone comes on here asking for help, specifically? Absolutely. I will help them with resources and have already done so(privately). I think that you must understand, a large chunk of those with BPD do not want to talk about it in a public general forum. So you don't see the interactions, as 99% of them are done privately, their preference. I don't blame them and understand it. I already post on a BPD forum, but the place is like a ghost town. I just responded to a post that was created in August. It is the only place I like, because it seems like a large chunk of the other forums directed towards people with the disorder, are more focused on acting borderline/enabling one another than anything else. If you have any suggestions of places that are NOT like these, then I'd love to hear about them.

 

As far as the rest goes, regarding laymen discussing BPD traits in depth about an undiagnosed person. I don't agree. It will be in our best interest to agree to disagree. I hear your side, I respect you feel differently than I. I still feel strongly on my points, and would rather not continue to debate it(as explained in my previous post).

[greywolf]

I think that mental health professionals have a hard enough time diagnosing people with personality disorders, how much more for random people on the internet that don't even get to meet the person in question and only know what they are like based off of what the ex has said?

[Hell_On_Heels]

My two cents - probably over-rated. With no offense to the OP, I personally didn't like the way the questions was asked. It came accross as facetious, and not as really searching for answers. In my limited experience here, I've seen people recite the behavioral history of their ex and wonder what is going on? I was one of those. It would never have occurred to me to place a disorder label on him. Yet I couldn't fathom what was happening to me, and why this breakup was so agonizing. I looked at disorders from other websites not to label him, but because I thought I was the one with the problem. (wry grin) I definitely had a problem, but being bipolar (as he accused me) was not it. My problem was the heartache and deep confusion of dealing with someone so different from myself that my head was constantly spinning and my heart was on a torture rack.

 

Reading about disorder characteristics and identifying that my ex has several of those traits is what turned my healing around. So from my narrow personal perspective, I like that people can direct each other to disorder websites. We heal so much better when we know why we are responding the way we are. It isn't the label that's important. It's the wisdoma and insight that psychologists and others bring to us so we can understand our pain with greater precision, and work towards making that better.

 

I love reading Poppa's posts because it doesn't point fingers at the person with the potential disorder. The focus comes back to ourselves, and that's empowering, and honest. No one is without faults. I also love reading Mintiya's posts because I think she is the most amazing person. (sorry to talk about you both as though you're not here.)

[Cheetarah]

I've been trying to figure out why this is upsetting to me, on a personal level(my own personal moral standpoint has already been discussed and needn't be brought up again).

 

I think it threatens my feelings of "normalcy". I have desperately wanted to experience life like a 'regular' person for as long as I've known that not everyone thinks and feels the way I do...Which has been years on years. I am incredibly envious of other people for various things; their easy quirkiness, ability to let things roll of their shoulders, to cry and feel cleansed by it rather than trapped, etc. The worst part I think, is knowing what it feels like. I can remember times in my life where I cried and I felt it was a cathartic experience. Now that it is a daily part of my routine, I feel more bittersweet about that, because at times it feels like a really unattainable goal.

 

For the last 6 months, nearly everything brings me to the brink of tears. I don't know if I ever was much of a sap; But if I wasn't then, I am now. I know this is good. This is my turning point. I have had many turning points in my life. When I was younger, I ignored them, because the pain became unbearable. I looked for quick fixes, my drugs of choice were sex and relationships. And some booze, too. I put blind faith in this before that if I press through the pain, my head will come out from under the water. I am putting stock into that blind faith again, coupled with the experiences I've already had. I look back and wish that I would have done this at other points in my life, but I don't really have any regrets about it. I am just grateful that I eventually 'toughed it out' to come through to the other side. I'm toughing it out right now, I'm at one of my all-time lows. I have to say right now, I have a chip the size of Montana on my shoulder. I will not allow any man close to me. Not because I hate men, but I have some really twisted thoughts on interpersonal relationships right now, and I am not healed from my breakup in May. I know that if I were to jump into someone's arms, it would only be with the thought that they could rescue me from the pain I'm carrying around right now, take the edge off, work like a medicine for me.

 

I want badly to feel loved right now and am having a very hard time self-nurturing and loving myself, but I can't put me or a partner through this. It will only be a cheap fix. I will be right back to where I was, worse off. I have to get back in touch with the part of me that knows how to do those things, knows how to be my own best friend. It is a difficult thing to do with the weight of self-loathing, but I have faith that if I keep practicing my tools and working skills I will get there once again.

 

Although with this setback, I feel discouraged. At times I sit back and shake my head, thinking "This again..." and I get utterly caught up in the frustration at my perceived weaknesses. When I read about the destructive patterns of BPD relationships, I recognize their truths. Maybe not for my present or even my recent past, but for parts of my life that I feel such intense shame for at times. Sometimes, that makes me feel helpless. I can look back on my past and take the experiences as a way to shape my future. I also realize that it was not all me. This was a VERY difficult thing to accept, because it's a grey area. But it is still a reminder for me, and because I'm having the most trouble coping with emotions right now, it can get overwhelming and I've had many panic attacks after reading this board. You would THINK, then, that I would take a break. Well I did. Twice. I come back to the particular scenarios that upset me when I'm in a more rational mindset so I can figure out why I had such intense reactions - And what I can do about it.

 

So I think what's in order for me, is more acceptance, less hacking away at emotions with a butcher knife, and sometimes, yes - Taking the time to just live life, without wondering if every little thing I do is borderline, if my every reaction is skewed perception, and learning to trust more in my own instincts and thoughts, and opinions, that I have developed over the years. How can I hope to have ANY sense of normalcy(and my own definition of normalcy, perfectly suited to me and not compared against your average person) if I'm fighting everything, with every fiber of my being?

 

Wow, well that was my ramble for the day!

 

P. S. Still disagreeing from Russia.

[greywolf]

Poppa, I have not really seen posters make diagnoses either, but I was referring directly to this thread. The title of this thread is, "Name that disorder," and the OP was specifically asking us if his ex had a disorder.