Engagement/wedding ring alternatives

[FarthestEdge]

Yes..but so far we only know what the OP's friend feels, not what the guy feels. He may feel strongly about the symbolism of the ring..we don't know that.

 

Absolutely valid point, CAD...

 

Or he may be brainwashed by a culture and media that tells him that this is what is expected of him, by her, and the rest of the world. DH was greatly relieved when I told him the ring I wanted was about a weeks salary, not this 3 months nonsense.

 

Which is why the expected bride to be needs to have a discussion with her bf....It really is between them, and them alone.

[laboheme]

True, we don't know how he would feel about rings (although, knowing him, he's not the kind of person who'd think less of her for not wearing a wedding band).

 

I'd like to note that men are frequently oblivious to their significant other's style. Having worked in retail for a long time, I know all too well that the vast majority of men don't know whether their wives of 30 years prefer silver or gold. So, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not aware of her jewelry preferences. Also, she may be the brainwashed one here and only thinks that he may get her a ring because that's what men do. For all we know, he may be aware that she doesn't like rings and could be getting her a diamond, hoping that she'll set it in her tooth.

 

Amazing how one little piece of metal can generate so much brouhaha.

[Tanzi]

I'd like to note that men are frequently oblivious to their significant other's style. Having worked in retail for a long time, I know all too well that the vast majority of men don't know whether their wives of 30 years prefer silver or gold. So, I wouldn't be surprised if he's not aware of her jewelry preferences. Also, she may be the brainwashed one here and only thinks that he may get her a ring because that's what men do. For all we know, he may be aware that she doesn't like rings and could be getting her a diamond, hoping that she'll set it in her tooth.

 

Well yes that is true. It is surprising what men don't know about their wives. However I still feel that when you are at a stage in your relationship when you are ready to get engaged feelings and any other issues relating to it would have been discussed. When you say "For all we know, he may be aware that the doesn't like rings ..." it comes accross that they don't know much about each other at all or even what the other knows about them. I think that is the point that many of us are making here ... that this is something quite above the ordinary that they should talk to each other about.

[newwave]

Btw, just so people don't miss my earlier point I was being somewhat sarcastic. I was basically saying that if I don't get the one I want I won't be as open to getting married. I couldn't care less about an engagement ring or even getting one.

[penelope13]

I thought the engagement was supposed to be about a promise between 2 people to share their lives together. A present, if at all, is just the icing of the cake and could be anything really that is meaningful to the couple.

 

Also a wedding band is a convention, and not a necessity to proof to yourself or others that you are married.

 

You can propose, even get down on your knee without having to have any present whatsoever and the joy should still be the same.

[Fudgie]

I always thought engagement rings were a little silly because then there are the wedding rings. Why not just have one pair of rings for a couple?

 

I'd like to be proposed to (or it's mutual) without a ring and either get the wedding ring later or I will start wearing the wedding ring then. Their choice.

 

Or a nice "twistie-tie-thing-that-is-used-for-baggies" on the finger at the time of engagement would do.

 

Heck, that's a great idea! I'd really get a kick out of it, going around and showing off my "ring".

[newwave]

I always thought engagement rings were a little silly because then there are the wedding rings. Why not just have one pair of rings for a couple?

 

I'd like to be proposed to (or it's mutual) without a ring and either get the wedding ring later or I will start wearing the wedding ring then. Their choice.

 

Or a nice "twistie-tie-thing-that-is-used-for-baggies" on the finger at the time of engagement would do.

 

Heck, that's a great idea! I'd really get a kick out of it, going around and showing off my "ring".

 

This sort of reminds me of the guy I want. Years ago he bought a very cheap ring at a store. From what he says he bought it because he figured "eventually" he'd get married. I get the feeling it's pretty much one of those rings you buy in the gum machine. Anyway he proposed to his last girlfriend and gave her the ring to wear, and she gave him a ring to wear. This was a bizarre relationship anyway where he proposed without having met her first. Anyway when that broke up after 6 months (well and "dating" for 8 months without meeting)he moved back. Now even though I don't know if I will ever marry him I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing a ring an ex (or possibly more, he was marriage hungry a few years ago)wore. So in that case I think either I wouldn't want an engagement ring or buy another one completely. Incidentally he did make the comment that why is it women get engagement rings but not men and that is true too. If we want true equality then shouldn't both get rings or not at all?

 

This is all hypothetical though since I'm not even dating this guy and who knows if I will. Other guys have given me rings (strangely none of the guys who have proposed gave me engagement rings) but I never gave any of them back because they were promise rings and they gave them as birthday gifts. One ex gave me his id bracelet to wear and I've been looking for him (we broke up as friends and lost contact) to give it back. He's now married and might want his wife to have it instead of his exgirlfriend.

[Fudgie]

That's very true newwave, I have felt the same..it's not fair that the girl gets a shiny huge rock as an engagement ring that the guy is expected to plunk down the equivalent of a house downpayment on...and then he doesn't get anything.

 

When I get married (and I've told my boyfriend this), I'd want us to have matching wedding bands, both of us, no rocks, just high-quality, durable wedding bands. They'd probably have something engraved in them to make them special, maybe just the wedding date, but something that means something to both of us.

 

Don't get me wrong - I like jewelry. I just think it would be neat if my future husband and I could have something matching that we BOTH enjoy that would symbolize our commitment.

 

Thus far, the one piece of jewerly that I have received from my boyfriend is an opal necklace that he put onto a silver chain for me. He asked me one time if I wanted a fake or real opal and I said "fake" because I knew he was buying me jewelry and I'd want to wear it 24/7 and not worry about it getting broken. It's in the shape of a heart and I wear it under my clothes and never take it off.

 

That's how I want my wedding ring to be, something simple, something durable, something matching, something memorable, and something I will never have to take off or worry about.

[newwave]

I'm not big on jewelry and outside of earrings I rarely wear any, unless it's a date or something important. I actually have an idea for a ring if I get married and it's a simple garnet ring. Garnet is my birthstone and I like it better than diamond. I know women who got these expensive engagement rings but then broke up before the marriage. Then what do you do with the jewelry then? Any future girlfriends won't want to wear the ring and if she keeps it she can't wear it in front of boyfriends. That's really why it's best to just get a simple wedding band, at least why I'm fine with that. I'd rather spend the money on a nice wedding.

[Fudgie]

Garnet is soooo nice! You know, opals are my favourite (that's why my boyfriend gave me the necklace) and they happen to be my birthstone too. Lucky me!

 

If you get an engagement ring (or wedding ring) and you break up, you can LEGALLY keep it. Now, it is courteous to return it to the gentleman but this has been asked many times and legally, you can keep it because it's considered a gift. Many guys have gone to court trying to get the rings back and they fail because of this. Yes, it's polite and right to give it back, but legally, you don't have to.

 

I'd probably give the ring back for the most part. I just wouldn't want it anymore. Most of my relationships have ended because of incompatibilities and while I was mad for some time, I didn't blame them or wish any harm, so I would have given it back had we gotten engaged. Not a big deal there.

 

But if a guy caused me financial ruin (either large or small) or cheated on me majorly, then that ring is going to the pawn shop and if he wants it back, then I will give him the appropriate address so he can go buy it back if he wants.

[tinkerbellkj]

That's very true newwave, I have felt the same..it's not fair that the girl gets a shiny huge rock as an engagement ring that the guy is expected to plunk down the equivalent of a house downpayment on...and then he doesn't get anything.

[/quote

 

There is a lot of give and take in relationships. For my husband it was extremely important to him that he buy a nice engagement ring, and he was very, very, VERY proud of himself in choosing it. It was also very important to him that I have his grandmother's diamond, as both of his sisters each have one of the diamonds in their engagement rings. And while yes, I did get to have an awesome ring, I don't think it's fair to say that my husband "doesn't get anything" because for him, his pride lights up every time someone compliments the ring. It was something that he wanted to give me.

 

If a couple decides that they do not want an engagement ring, that is fine too, but many people like the tradition. My parents, for example, did not have any money when they got married very young, and my dad did not buy her an "engagement ring" until many years into the relationship. It depends on the individual couple and how they feel about certain traditions.

 

As far as the ring being a gift, I DO strongly believe that if the engagement breaks up prior to marriage, they should return the ring to the person who bought it. I know of a few people to which this has happened, and the ring has always been returned. It depends on the Court, because in some cases they consider it a gift, but other times they do not, so it is definitely a gamble. But, then again, many could argue that a marriage is as well.

[Fudgie]

I've talked to some people who are lawyers and they said that it depends...if people have an explicit contract "if we break up, give it back" then it's legally binding. However, most times it's not because there is no such contract.

 

My parents did that too - buying the ring later because they couldn't afford it. My mom loves it but I always heard my father gripe about how it cost as much as a car. I couldn't believe something cost so much! It just didn't seem worth it, to spend all that money.

 

I would not feel comfortable with such an expensive gift with nothing to give in return, that's all. I would want us to be equal. I get a ring, he gets a ring too.

 

If someone gave me an engagement ring, he'd need to take it back. I wouldn't wear it.

[OptomisticGirl]

We are doing the later e-ring. We are getting me a rather inexpensive one before the wedding and waiting a few years to get me 'the one' we want. Right now my e-ring is the promise ring CS gave me in NY (a silver ring with a amethyst).

[newwave]

Opal is pretty too. Yeah I think it's cooler to have a birthstone ring. If I remember (it's been awhile) that it's considered a gift if you receive it for a holiday but if not it's part of an agreement. If the engagement breaks up it's supposed to go back to the man, but yeah if a man caused me financial trouble I'd sell it too.

[Fudgie]

We are doing the later e-ring. We are getting me a rather inexpensive one before the wedding and waiting a few years to get me 'the one' we want. Right now my e-ring is the promise ring CS gave me in NY (a silver ring with a amethyst).

 

This is sort of what my parents did. Only they didn't have an e-ring. My father told my mother "you can get a nice ring later when I can afford it". Her wedding ring is a cheap little thing but I think it's cute. Her e-ring? Oh man. I was 6 years old when I went with her to pick it out (12 years of marriage for them) and he had pretty much written her a blank check and said "oh just go buy something". She bought the biggest rock she could find.

 

Now, to this day, I still hear him gripe about it and how his own car cost less, what a waste, etc. Kind of not the point of an e-ring, huh?

[Fudgie]

Opal is pretty too. Yeah I think it's cooler to have a birthstone ring. If I remember (it's been awhile) that it's considered a gift if you receive it for a holiday but if not it's part of an agreement. If the engagement breaks up it's supposed to go back to the man, but yeah if a man caused me financial trouble I'd sell it too.

 

I am not a huge fan of diamonds but I adore opals. I wish I could have my future wedding ring to have opals in it, but opals are "soft" stones and are damaged easily. The same could be said for love, depending on the couple, but that's not very optimistic, is it?

 

I think I could go for a simple wedding band (no stones) and then maybe a nice piece of opal jewelry to wear on occasion. I wear the "fake" necklace all the time around my neck but I have real ones that I wear when it's a special day/time.

 

Yeah, I probably would sell to recuperate the loss.

 

Most times, I will give back gifts. The one time I didn't? It was with an ex that I dated. He was a little younger than me. For Christmas that year, he got for me 2 books..."Loeb" classic books, Cicero to be exact. I drooled over those. Loeb is somewhat expensive but he got a deal. I started reading and yes, I wrote in them. I loved them.

 

When we broke up, he asked for them back (he doesn't read Latin). I asked why and he said "because I don't want you to enjoy them anymore".

Needless to say, he didn't get those books back. They are still on my shelf at home with all of my other Loeb books that I have collected, and I never think of him when I see them, only the about the good words inside.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's what CS and I are doing. Simple plain wedding bands. My temp. e ring will be worn in place of my real e ring, especially while I'm working since I bang my hands around so much.

[newwave]

I've never given back gifts and never would. I've gotten many gifts from guys through the years and never considered giving them back. Of course most gifts were things like CDs so not that big of a thing. I've gotten jewelry but never gave it back either. I probably should have given back the promise ring and id bracelet but never did. One ex I intentionally stole a t shirt (which I used as a nighshirt) but he stole so much from me that a $5 shirt was my revenge.

[OptomisticGirl]

I've never given back gifts and never would. I've gotten many gifts from guys through the years and never considered giving them back. Of course most gifts were things like CDs so not that big of a thing. I've gotten jewelry but never gave it back either. I probably should have given back the promise ring and id bracelet but never did. One ex I intentionally stole a t shirt (which I used as a nighshirt) but he stole so much from me that a $5 shirt was my revenge.

 

Oh I sold the jewelry my ex gave me. Made some money off my idiocy of four years, lol

[Fudgie]

I mostly just give the gifts back because a) sometimes i feel guilty but most of the time it's b)...I am upset and I don't want to have the gifts around to remind me of the person.

 

Those Cicero books were just too awesome though. I never thought of him when reading them.

[greywolf]

I don't think that not having an engagement ring is a big deal. It's mostly just a western tradition.

[petite]

I don't see how this is anything to do with you and why your friend is discussing this issue with you rather than her boyfriend. If he knows her well enough to be even thinking about proposing, he would know she doesn't like rings. As for ring choosing, I would personally be offended if my guy went and asked someone else about opinions on what kind of jewelery I like. If he wants to know, he can ask me or check out my jewelery box to see what my style is. I wouldn't need to ask anyone what kind of watch he likes or what type of cufflinks he prefers to wear.

 

As far as what women who doesn't like rings can do, as many suggested a ring around a necklace, a pair of earrings and even a really thin wedding band. I don't see why those women who don't like rings need an engagement if they don't want it. I don't think any guy would really insist on it; but in case he does want her to wear one, unless she is allergic to jewelery I really don't believe she has a good excuse to not wear one. Once she starts wearing it, give it a few weeks and she will forget it's on her finger. It becomes a part of the person.

[OptomisticGirl]

A lot of times guys do know what to get but always show it to a girls' friend to see if he did make the right choice because, lets face it, showing it to the girlfriend would kind of ruin the surprise, lol

 

I know a few women who aren't fans of jewelry-especially rings- either because they just don't like the feel of them or for work purposes. I don't think she only needs to be allergic to it for it to be a good reason. Just as if the guy prefers her to wear one, she could prefer not to wear one and be withing the right to do so.

[greywolf]

I think getting a mutual sex toy for an engagement gift would be neat. You can't reuse sex toys with another person (because that's a little gross), so I'd take that as a sign of commitment.

[OptomisticGirl]

Nothing says I love you like a vibrator or butt plugs, lol