How would you feel about living in the house that he built with his ex wife?

[floridagirlal]

The title pretty much says it all. How would you feel?

 

A few key points to mention:

 

1. We would be remodeling almost the whole house. Building a new master suite and remodeling the kitchen and dining area.

 

2. His parents gifted the land to him to build this house. It's 3 acres that his parents gave him and his family lives in the surrounding acreage so it isn't just "any house"....it's his family's land.

 

What do you think?

[annie24]

i don't think you should worry. it's a house. i wouldn't use the same bedsheets that they used, but i don't think it's practical in this housing market to sell his house just because he and his ex-wife built the house. and like you said, it's going to be remodeled so your mark will be on it.

[WockaWocka]

You're asking for our opinions, but the most important Q is: how do YOU feel about it?

 

If enough of us say that we wouldn't be bothered by it (which is where I stand), will it change how you feel?

[floridagirlal]

Very good question, Wocka! I go back and forth with my feelings about it. I can justify living there because it's his family's land. But I wonder how much he is reminded of her when he looks at the kitchen counter and remembers how she picked it out during building (just an example but you know what I mean).

 

I truly LOVE the land that he has and I feel very good that HE is the one that has suggested all of the remodeling so I can make my mark. On the other hand, I'm reminded that she lived there when I see her name drawn in the concrete.

[sherryberrypie]

When I moved into my new place two months ago, I was taken aback at how much it didn't feel like my home. But, with a bit of paint and some decor, it's really starting to feel like a home, not just someone else's house that we happen to own. It takes a bit of time, but it's actually pretty fun to experiment and find what really suits you. She's part of his past, and that name in the concrete is just that, a memory. It's time for you to make new memories in the house with him

[masterosok]

I can't be certain obviously but I doubt he has those thoughts when looks at those things. I guess it really come down to if he is truly over his ex-wife or not. If he isn't than likely anything could remind him of her but if he has completely moved on I doubt she is in his thoughts at all.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree, you need to make your own memories with him in the house. My fiance I just took a vacation to a place my ex and I went to years ago. I know he was a bit apprehensive of us doing all the same things my ex and I did but seriously, we made this trip our own and made so many more memories. Give it some time.

[WockaWocka]

If he's mostly having the house remodeled to appease you (because it can't be that old that it would NEED it for functional reasons, the way a pre-WWII house might), then I'd say the guy is a keeper

 

Consider that even if you built an entirely new house, or moved a mobile home onto the lot and lived there, he would still be reminded of her from time to time in other ways. You can't erase their history. Nor should you want to. We're shaped by our pasts for better or for worse, and he wouldn't be the guy he is today without it.

 

If it makes you feel better, see if there's a contractor who could jackhammer out the piece with her name (if it's not integral to the foundation) or who could use some type of concrete putty to fill it in or who could add some concrete where you and he write your names or something. And if doing that would make you feel petty then maybe you can scale back the remodeling a bit, replace the bedsheets, and get on with it.

 

Cheers.

[shes2smart]

Wouldn't bother me. And it would be much preferable to getting stuck with the mortgage of the house he had with his ex-wife when she skipped out on it....which did happen to me.

 

Basically, there are worse "house with ex" scenarios than what you've got.

[annie24]

i know a guy who had 2 christmas trees every year. one filled with traditional ornaments, another filled with ornaments from his favorite sport's team that he and his ex-wife collected. after they broke up, he got a new gf, who threw out all the sports team ornaments because that was something he did with his ex-wife. I was furious when i heard this!! i felt so bad for the guy. it's a popular sports team, why get rid of something like that?? how could a woman feel so insecure she would toss football christmas ornaments?

[catfeeder]

How long has he been divorced, and how long have you been with him?

 

If you're insecure about his ex wife, that's something that would follow you no matter where you live. Deal with that first, then you'll feel zero need to make living arrangements 'around' her.

[Snny]

My honest, honest first thought to your question was, "Hell yea, no mortgage payments!!!!!!!!" Less debt to worry about.

 

And I totally agree with Annie about the bedsheets. Change the house up: repaint it, redecorate with photos of YOU together and you don't have to keep the reason of the house built in mind.

[floridagirlal]

I have to say that I'm surprised at the opinions that I've received in this thread! I was honestly expecting most people to say that there is NO WAY they would live in a house that was built with his ex wife. I feel much better with your feedback!

 

Snny - Unfortunately, there are still mortgage payments since he took out a mortgage to build the actual house...but the land was free so the mortgage is about HALF of what I pay for my mortgage!!

 

Catfeeder - He has been divorced for 3 years and we've been together for 2.

 

As far as the bed sheets go, those are long gone already! We will also be moving MY bedroom suite into the new master bedroom so I'm not worried about that. We've also done a lot of painting already and have taken a lot of junk to goodwill.

 

He really is quietly going out of his way to get the house "ready" for us to move in. He hasn't specifically told me that he is doing this but I've noticed it. He has told me repeatedly to rearrange drawers, cabinets, etc to suit me. I cook at his house a lot and have complained about the organization of the kitchen. LOL!!

[hexaemeron]

You don't seem to have a problem with a guy who previously belonged to another woman. Why should the house be any different?

[annie24]

florida girl - it sounds like this is really 'yours and his' house and he is trying to make you feel comfortable in it. this is all great. i hope you guys enjoy your new home together!!

[floridagirlal]

I don't think I've EVER seen a positive post from you, hexaemeron.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think I've EVER seen a positive post from you, hexaemeron.

 

Then I'd suggest you look harder, because what I wrote wasn't, in fact, negative. My inferred point was that everything is used goods. Houses, people, everything. If you want something to be yours and special, you do the work to make it yours and special. So what if it used to be her house? Make it your home with your guy.

[floridagirlal]

Then I'd suggest you look harder, because what I wrote wasn't, in fact, negative. My inferred point was that everything is used goods. Houses, people, everything. If you want something to be yours and special, you do the work to make it yours and special. So what if it used to be her house? Make it your home with your guy.

 

I appreciate your clarification. It's always difficult to infer the tone of a comment when all we have is the words on the page....