Letting Go

[Justnotsure]

I have found depending on other people is a fool's endeavor.

 

Remember this. I believe I realized something similar in the first post of this journal. 35 pages later - still holds true.

[mhowe]

I may be your conscience lurking in your journal, put I swear to God, this journal/email thing we got going is like typing letters to my 30 yr old self and sometimes it can be downright unsettling!

 

My dad had the self focus thing going too. Luckily, he was married to my mother his whole life, and she would never let him blow off his kids!!

 

The energy thing w/ JC is pretty cool. And I thank the powers that be everyday that we found each other, or that JC had the courage and the knowledge (?!) to know that it would be awesome if we took the friendship to the next level. You mentioned that it makes you feel so ALIVE, and the other thought I had, was that it feels like HOME (and I don't mean the one I grew up in) -----

 

Remember that thought from page 1 and above, and read Illusions!

[Justnotsure]

mhowe --

 

Illusions came in the mail yesterday and spent the evening reading it.

 

Lots of thoughts.

 

First of all, definitely bizarre how you appeared in my journal -- I think I used the term "savior" -- and I'm not sure I've ever used it before -- I'm not religious, and far from Catholic if I were to choose one! So, that was a little eerie.

 

It was also just bizarre timing. Yesterday, the engaged friend forwarded me this link of a guy who quit his big firm attorney job, and decided to take his dog and walk accross the country. She said all of her friends are so awed and inspired but she thinks it's really dumb. She thinks the 9-5 life is underrated and everyone who wants to have these grand adventures are the unhappy ones. I told her very calmly and simply that it's wonderful that she's happy with what she's doing, it's wonderful if walking accross the country makes this guy happy, and it's wonderful if everyone out there is just searching for whatever it is that will provide them happiness during their time here. But, it was almost as if she was threatened by it. She was just so THRILLED that her fiance also thought it was stupid and they were bashing the guy and making fun of it.

 

I wanted to say, "Why do you think it bothers you so much?" But, I didn't.

 

This is the same friend who think it's ridiculous that therapists ask you about your childhood, and tells them - I only want to talk about the current stuff - don't try to figure out my daddy issues. As if these things are separate entities.

 

Anyhow, it just reminded me so much of that section when Donald is on the radio, telling people they can do whatever they want (and not do whatever they want) - and they get so angry. Fear is such a powerful thing.

 

Another part that struck me was the section where Richard believes, "you can do whatever you want as long as you don't hurt someone else," and then is shown that it's actually untrue - that each person can choose whether or not to be hurt. I think I've always leaned towards the side of personal responsibility, but I had a revelation there. When I finished the book, I thought -- "this is how JB lives his life. He is going after his dream, he is living in the moment, he is constantly working on his personal growth. He was just more evolved than I was." But then I thought "except he forgot the part about using other people." But then I recalled that section and realized that he was not responsible for my emotions and for me being hurt. At all. I always claimed to take equal responsibility for what happened, when in essence, I should have taken it all. I am responsible for what happens to me.

 

Somehow that was freeing.

 

Lots of other thoughts, but those were the big ones up front.

[mhowe]

Tee heee. I have read that book at least 20 times. First time I read it, I put it down for 3 hrs, and then read it again. Through out my career, I have kept it on my shelf in my office, and if I'm in a quandry, take it down, open it up and read the page. I know it sounds whooey, and yes, I know it's an allegory (he wrote Jonathon Livingston Seagull) but it sooooo resonated with me.

 

And so, "if you really on other people to be happy, you are destined to be unhappy" ---- guess you can see why I wanted you to get this.

 

Maybe some day I will write my own Messiah Handbook ---- but I don't think I could do better than this one.

[Justnotsure]

Yes, a lot of it resonated. But just as the book suggests, a lot of it is just lying under the surface of consciousness --- it's all stuff that you already know.

 

In fact, some of it ties back to earlier things in this journal as well - early on, I said somewhere "that happiness -- it's such a choice." But sometimes I think things like that get lost in the day to day and it's hard to keep that focus, so it's good to have the book sitting in your office in a time of need!

[mhowe]

It is all stuff you already know ----- how cool is that!

 

That's what I have been thinking as I started to read your journal, and I'll be damned if I can remember how I got to it in the first place. You seem very self aware for someone your age, and many things that you said made me think of this book. It was as though if I could remind you that you knew this, it would help you along your path. And now, when you go off into the world grasshopper, you will have this handy little paperback to remind you off all that you know!!

[Justnotsure]

It's funny when you begin to apply the philosophy to everything. It all seems so easy.

 

People get so angry, upset, enraged, frusrated and you just want to say "you're free to leave." "You are free to make any decision you wish." "You are free to ask for whatever you want - as long as you are not counting on someone else to do it for you."

 

I'm practicing right now on my little 24 year old friend -- it's kind of fun!!

 

Also, the part about picking the movie you want to be in - and how some people enjoy the horror and the drama (been guilty of it myself) -- just all very, very clever.

[mhowe]

I must say, this savior thing is very rewarding!

[Justnotsure]

I think the challenge comes in being consistent, even when things swing in one direction or the other.

 

I mean, right now - it's easy to be all zen because I'm on an easier path - new job, no commitments, etc. I think probably tougher to apply when emotions are involved and in the context of relationships (of any sort).

 

But, will be interesting to try.

[Justnotsure]

And while JB is not Mr. Omnipotent God -- he did have this stuff figured out before me. Once, when frustrated with myself for procrastinating, he said "You know, you can change that. All you have to do is decide."

 

I got annoyed and thought, but there are so many things are built up in me that make it tougher than just that!

 

But, he was right. It's all choices when you strip everything away and stop making excuses.

 

Then again, he's 10 years older, so I suppose he had a headstart.

[mhowe]

Well, yes --- not so much a head start as 10 more years of accumulated life lessons.

 

As far as consistency and application, you would be surprised going forward how this knowledge can bring you back to the zen place. I'm not saying you won't have the spike reaction, but the settling will come faster. Was re-reading my journal of bu w/ JC and by 1/21 --- we broke up 1/9 ---- I was writing this:

 

You have done nothing to purposely hurt me, and I know you never would --- and yet I am hurt. Because I am choosing to be. Absent any information, I can only assume that you have made the best decision based on the choices in front of you -- -and I need to respect that. You have your life to live, as I do mine -- and I had thought we would walk this road, now, together. Maybe we will --- I can't find that answer now. So this is what I choose: to trust my heart, and yours.

 

Don't get me wrong, hard to stay there --- emotions trump logic every time, but once you know where to go, the island of peace is a nice stop in the storm.

[Justnotsure]

Wow, yup - that is where I want to be.

 

Again, inspiring.

[mhowe]

Well, enough of this inspiring for the day. I am going to go perspire! Turned into a sunny day, and in my life/career, Aug is dead month, so I am off for a 10 mile bike ride.

 

Enjoy the day, your new freedom....and get on link removed and get Fountainhead!!!!

[Justnotsure]

The only thing that still gives me pangs are flashes here and there.

 

I can think of JB without pain. I can picture our relationship and look back on it fondly - happy for the time that we had and the special feeling that I felt for him, moments of feeling alive in the great way.

 

I can even theoretically say to myself, he's moved on. But every now and again, I will have a quick image move accross my mind of him holding another woman, calling her sweetie, stopping by her place after a long night of work. And whenever I see this, I actually physically am in pain. My stomach drops, my heart squeezes, and the air is cut off to my lungs.

 

But, it only lasts a moment, and I quickly re-focus my mind. Because of course, if she exists at this moment or 3 years from now, it is no longer a part of my reality. It's his life story - and because I love him, I have to hope that his is a happy one. Remove the jealousy and hurt and instead replace it with love.

 

I love you, JB. And I hope that you are happy. I have to move forward with my own life right now, but nobody can ever take away my memories of you. It would probably be a lie to say I'll always love you -- because eventually, these feelings will fade and over time I'll think of you fondly, but the picture will be fuzzy. It's in fact already starting to blur -- which nights you had off, where you'd be at 10am on a Friday - things I used to know like the back of my hand, now take effort to puzzle out. When I drive past the turnoff to your street, I take note of what day and time it is -- and quickly try to calculate if I may see you -- gripped with a bit of panic. These days, I'm already well past your corner before I realize where schedule dictates that you are.

 

If and when I do run into you (alone or otherwise), I will get through it. I will not die. It will not kill me. Let's face it - it's only if it's otherwise that the great fear exists. I've seen YOU -- I know that does not cause death. You + someone else...ouch ouch ouch, but probably not fatal.

 

So, greatest fear: seeing someone that I love with another human being. A (superior?) replacement. Take a step back, think rationally. It's not that bad. Be brave.

[mhowe]

I would be hard pressed to say that if and when you are "replaced" by JB, she would be a superior human being --- because he is not going to change, and you know that. So, she would be a less evolved human being that is willing to be the audience of his play, not a woman capable of a starring role in her own!!!!

[Justnotsure]

Hm. Okay, just go with me for a minute here (I think I'm backsliding a bit).

 

I feel like perhaps I wasn't evolved enough at the time. He gets all of this stuff - he is living for himself, constantly improving his mind, and living his dream. He was, for the most part, giving me his undivided attention in the free time that he did have. He was always kind and affectionate was never rude or mean.

 

Could the problem have been me? On two levels:

 

1) I didn't pursue enough of my own "stardom" -- from time to time, I'd take a class that would keep me busy a couple nights a week, or make plans with friends --- but to be honest, I spent a lot of time waiting for him to be available. I think being a star in my own play and being with JB were not necessarily mutually exclusive, but I didn't put enough effort into developing myself. I was too focused on him.

 

2) I never gave myself a voice in the relationship. When it ended he commented that he felt that I never gave him "real" answers, but just would agree or say what I thought he wanted to hear. I think he was looking for more of an equal, and I deferred a lot to him.

 

I'm not saying I can go back and fix these things or that I caused the demise of the relationship, it's just that I need to take the lessons and apply them in the future.

[mhowe]

Okay, for the record --- JB just wasn't into being in a relationship, period. Not a judgment call --- I think he is in a place in his life where a personal relationship is not a priority. It has nothing to do with whether you were good enough, evolved enough, mature enough. He enjoyed being with you. Period.

 

That being said, yes to both levels. Always good to star in your own play. Pretty sure that life on this planet is about living, not being in the audience. And so yes, he probably saw that as well, and it puts a lot of pressure on the other person. Life lesson.

 

The voice thing --- looks like it comes from your family dynamic. Again, an accommodating tactic. Your voice --- your authentic self. You come accross on paper as articulate, intelligent, insightful, funny.....real. So, just be you....not who you think they want. You are fine as is.

[Justnotsure]

Right, we did have that conversation when we broke up -- he said, priority-wise, we were mismatched, as for me, the relationship ranked much higher and at this point in his life, it's not the priority. The business is it. I don't think that will stop him from engaging in another one for the comfort of it, but you're right.

 

And as to pressure on the other person - yes, he said he felt he had to carry the majority of the conversations. I don't think it's as if he was speaking to a brick wall, as I always actively participated, but if I'm going to be honest and critical with myself -- he was right. I did depend on him to provide a lot of the material. However, I won't beat myself up too much -- as, I think he played a role, as well. He didn't necessarily want to hear about a lot of things I wanted to talk about (day to day, family stuff) -- in a way, it was beneath him. Also, given our personalities, I think it would have been hard for him not to overtake me at some level -- at the end of the day, he wanted to dump a TON of his work frustration on me - and I was always there to listen and provide feedback. What was I going to do - interrupt him and say - actually, let's discuss the following article that I read today?

 

And when I did bring things to the table - the literature class I took, articles that I'd read - he would grill me and I always felt like I wasn't prepared enough. It was never "oh, that's interesting, let's have a dialogue" -- it was 85 questions, and at the end, you felt like you failed a test or didn't do enough research. He was the professor who already knew all of the answers.

 

Last night, I had dinner with my dad, his wife, and my engaged friend (she gets along well with dad) -- I picked engaged friend up after work and we drove together. She immediately started unloading about her work day, and I started to get really anxious and tense -- and it threw me back to the JB days -- every time I saw him, it was like that - he was so worked up and dumped it all on me. And I did try to accommodate him.

 

I'm not sure what my point is here - on one hand, I'm trying to find the flaws with myself, and on the other, I'm defending myself. Which - I guess perfectly parallels how I was in the relationship - WANTING to be the person I needed to be, but never quite feeling like I could.

[mhowe]

JB, your engaged friend, your dad....all very self-focused, self-absorbed people. You need new bf, friend, dad!!! Kidding.

 

Relationships are like conversations --- supposed to be a 2-way street. Otherwise, it's called a monologue.

 

My ex (7 yr relationship) used to do that to me -- rant. He would call it venting. I finally had to say, "Then f##$ing vent at someone else, whoever caused this cause I didn't!!"

 

Stop looking for flaws. You're human, you have them but they sure aren't big enough to worry about. You only need to be you --- not the person you perceive they want you to be...cause that just doesn't ring true and is way too hard anyway.

[Justnotsure]

Hah - I know. She's even totally aware of it -- she said to me recently, when I was lamenting that another (selfish) friend pulled out of dogsitting when I take my trip, "Geez....you really do surround yourself with people who are self-centered. Me, your dad, friends, the guys you date..." She'd also comment when I was dating JB "I feel bad for you - he drops all of his work BS on you, and then I call you and go on about work forever." The amazing part of course, is that both she AND JB were aware that they did that, and didn't stop.

 

I've definitely noted that the pattern as well. I think it's because they tend to have these big personalities that I'm attracted to -- which is great for fun times, but not so great for deeper relationships.

 

I feel like I collect people who don't do well in the friend department. I've been the maid of honor in 4 weddings -- but it's all because I'm a lot of people's closest friend because they don't sustain other relationships!

 

I thought I was doing well, as I cut the worst of the bunch off last year after she went Bridezilla at her wedding, but I've just replaced her with more of the like.

 

And, I can blame others all day, but if I'm the common demonator - then it's my problem!

[mhowe]

Ah grasshopper --- very good.

 

So, what do you do now ---- (hint: the word choose is involved)

[Justnotsure]

I know - I need to choose not to allow it. Perhaps I get an emotional payoff from being everyone's "savior" (not in the good way). I do have that history that makes me want to be a peacemaker and make everyone happy.

 

I guess I just have to choose not to accept it. I've made small steps - 2 nights in a row I didn't pick up engaged friend's calls because I was reading and didn't feel like it. Actually, on Tuesday night, I ignored calls from her, dad, and another friend in order to finish Illusions. I felt kind of bad, but though, no - I don't want to give these people my energy right now. It'll be harder to break with her though -- she's very persistent -- she'll call 3 times and send texts saying "talk to meeeeeeeeeeee"

 

Sigh.

[mhowe]

Yes, you do get an emotional payoff --- which is why you do it. But can you honestly say you enjoy doing it? Again, peacemaker roll comes from family dynamic. Recognizing behavior is half the battle. Choosing to change behavior is the 2nd half.

 

Wow -- choosing to enjoy yourself instead of being a doormat.

 

Right now, your energy needs to be for you. And it's not as if she doesn't know she's doing it...she openly acknowleges. She seems to be a good enough friend to text back "noooooooooooo"

[Justnotsure]

Haha - good idea.

 

I think I worry that if I am not there for her, that I may need something and then not have support. However, the logic is very flawed -- as, 1) a friend should be there in a big time of need and 2) she was awful/selfish during my break up anyway!

 

That's the thing I need to realize - if someone is selfish/egocentric/narcassitic - it's not a quid pro quo relationship no matter what you give from your end.

 

Need to stop trying to solve the childhood issue. I'm an adult now. Don't need to prove anything to daddy anymore.

 

The second half though - changing the behavior -- it's harder!! But, good to practice now before I entangle myself with anymore people!

[mhowe]

Well, not to be picky or anything, but in order to practice the behavior, you're going to have to get entangled with people! It's just that you get to choose people who are less self-focused. They can still be larger than life - self aware and self focused two entirely different things.

 

And, you still get to keep all the old friends (and parents) -- but now you get to choose if you feel like giving them your energy.

 

Are you seeing the theme?