Letting Go

[Justnotsure]

I think that's a solid plan. May get the next two nights off -- that will hopefully help.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[mhowe]

Sometimes you have to step out of the forest to see the trees! It's much easier to discect someone else's relationship than one's own!!!

[Justnotsure]

Well, so much for not overanalyzing. It's in my blood...

 

A couple of things.

 

First, he mentioned that he was golfing tonight, and asked me to go to dinner tomorrow. I told him I'm busy tomorrow, so let's see each other on Friday. All of the sudden the golf course is closed tonight. In the middle of summer. Hmmm....I haven't gotten back to him, but think I'm going to tell him that I already made plans.

 

Second, I've been thinking that I truly understand how JB felt now. I never got it -- because if I haven't felt a connection with people, I've always ended things very early. The one exception was my first boyfriend in college who I stayed with for 1.5 years and wound up being completely repulsed by him because I was so not into it. After that, I always cut things off early if I didn't feel it. As such, I wound up only being in relationships with people who I was really, really into. Now I understand that while JB liked me and thought I was a nice/good person, he never fell in love with me the way I did with him. So, all of his behavior followed suit. He liked hanging out when it was convenient, but didn't want to go out of his way because he didn't feel that strong pull that I did.

 

I went back and looked at my trajectory with JB (easy to do over email). The first month of dating, I wasn't super excited because I was still talking to/semi-dating someone else. After that, once JB asked for exclusivity, I fell for him pretty quickly. But looking back, I can see why -- we had time to MISS each other, get excited about seeing each other, build up the magic. Plus, he just was overall more attractive and interesting to me. But, I think if we'd gone immediately into 24/7 hangout mode, I would have been annoyed and freaked out. Also, though it swung too far to the other side, he had his own life, and I found that very attractive.

 

I think skipping some of the "courting phase" with D seemed more natural to me than it usually would because I was just out of a relationship. So, it seemed appealing in the sense that it is everything that I wanted from JB -- that time together, the partnership, the commitment. But -- I think those things are best earned in time. I wanted them from JB, perhaps not solely because it was unattainable, but also because I fell in love with him over time.

 

To be honest, if I'd been smart and taken 8-12 months off to heal from JB, I probably would have been more weirded out at D's pace and not allowed it to go as quickly as it has. And, a part of me wonders if on date 2/3, I may thought - eh, just not super into him -- I think I'll move on. I guess I'll never know, but the fact that is the first time in my 30 years that I've fallen into this type of relationship may be telling.

 

I don't know. I should try to just relax, but it's making me anxious.

[mhowe]

I think your talent is wasted as a lawyer -- you should be a behavioralist for the FBI!!! Your ability to disect and analyze behavior, especially your own, is on a level known to few! That being said, I think you're pretty much spot on.

 

The things you are looking for in a relationship, D has placed on the table without asking and without earning, so to speak. Too much, too soon. I have never had that from a guy -- still not even w/ JC. We only see each other 2-3x week, and only for dinner thru next morning post breakfast...and not likely to change soon. And I know in my heart of hearts, if he was available 24/7 it would not be as attractive, because when we get together it's cause we really want to, the excitement has built over the week, etc.

 

Part of the magic of love/relationships in the mystery of the connection. Take away the mystery/availability....take away the magic. I know JC is as into me as I am to him, but he doesn't talk about it much --- more a doer than a talker....which makes me keep my words in check. I really can't imagine having a relationship with someone like D --- I'm standing on the outside and it feels claustraphobic!

 

I think you got to go with your gut my friend.

[Justnotsure]

Haha - you don't know how big of a compliment that is, mhowe! Just before I made this job transition, I was seriously grappling with the idea of going back and getting a Masters/PhD in psychology -- it's my dream job. Alas, I couldn't justify leaving my career path and going back to school for 5-6 more years at this age, only to end up in a saturated industry...

 

At any rate, I'm curious about your relationship with JC. Do you ever feel that you want more? I totally agree that keeping the mystery alive is great. But do you think at some point you'll ever want more than 2-3 times a week? I only ask because I know that I wound up wanting more than that from JB. The difference is that you know that JC loves and cares about you. I think had I felt that, perhaps that amount of contact would have been ideal. Does it ever frustrate you?

 

I was thinking about D on my drive home last night. What is it about him that I like? And, I kept coming back to -- he's a nice guy who isn't scared of commitment, who would be a totally stable partner/family man. I keep thinking of it through the lens of -- so many women (especially my age) would kill for that. So then I think - I shouldn't let it go. But it's such flawed logic. That's great if your end goal is a family. If you really want marriage and kids -- fine, settle for the guy that you may not be madly in love with, but who you know will be good at meeting those needs. BUT if your end goal isn't marriage and kids, well....you have the luxury of waiting for/searching for passion. Somehow I forgot that along the way...

[mhowe]

Sure --- I want more, but realistically, it won't happen for a year or two. His mom died last year and left a house to he and his sister. The plan is to tear it down, and build a new one...ocean view, etc. They will walk away with $1million each.....Until then, she and her family come down weekends/weeks in summer. Yes, he could stay at my house all the time, but he's a guy....and they like their own places. Honestly, I think we will wind up married at some point....

 

Also, summer is his busiest time (he's a contractor) and my quietest (financial advisor) --- so I have way more time on my hands. However, he makes certain to stop by when he can, and as I have said before, when we are together, he puts in 110%....and he truly is one of the finest men I have ever met....so I can wait.

 

Anyhoooooo....if I recall, you're only 30. Search for passion!!!

[Justnotsure]

Notes from another lifetime. This isn't what you describe with JC. That gives me hope that I can find passion AND commitment.

 

I avoid the topic of commitment so much - scared to freak him out....and it's like, uh we've been together for a year and a half - it's not such a crazy thing to talk about. It doesn't even have to be a serious discussion, but I shouldn't be totally avoiding any discussion of anything just because it might scare him. It makes me angry and sad at the same time. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to accept things the way they are - enjoy our relationship and not think about it....but I just can't sustain that. I can do it for a couple of months, and then the thoughts creep in. It's not that I want security - I don't think commitment or marriage gives you that - but I do want to know that I'm with someone that, at least for now, really WANTS to be with me. Doesn't want to lose me. Wants to spend his life with me - and 3000 things can happen that might change that - but in this moment, he truly believes that he wants to spend it with me. I don't get that from him. He doesn't tell me he loves me. That hurts. It is a gaping hole in our relationship that I try to fill with other things. I only tell my friends the nice things he does - I don't tell them about the lack...and the lack is crushing me. It's making me want to hug him all the time, always kiss him, touch him....FEEL something. I'm drowning in this thing. I have never, ever wanted so much to feel special to someone. At every turn, I'm trying so hard to make him see that I am special and different and that he should love me. It's tiring. And it's sad. And it's lonely. And, most of all, it's pathetic. I hate myself for it.

[mhowe]

Yeah --- JC doesn't say it often, but he does say it...when we got back together, he spent 3 hours telling me how much he loved me, missed me, etc. He talks about spending our lives together --- we have plans out into the fall----and most recently, he told a mutual friend (whom I'm sure he didn't intend for it to get back to me) that he thinks I'm one of the most amazing people he's ever met and that he loves me to death

 

We don't really talk about commitment --- or marriage --- but I think it's because of age (50) and financial stability --- he has his home, I have mine. I don't see him moving in with me (unless it's while he's building his new home...which they will sell and then each get their own)....I can see moving into that, if and when it happens. I kinda think of us as Hepburn/Tracy....in fact, JC looks a bit like Tracy!!

 

While that note from a previous lifetime is a bit harsh --- it sure illuminates the fact that your head (not heart) knew what the f*** was NOT going on in your relationship with JB. Passion and commitment are worth waiting for....I've never had it before, and honestly, had not expected to find it at this point in my life. That JC and I were friends for years before hand was a big help. In fact, he told me he fell in love with me before he ever asked me out. I told him this was rather backward. He asked me "what's your point?"!! None, really.

 

Anyway, even with his feelings being what they already were, he still takes things slowly....we started dating more than 2 yrs. ago. Which, I think, is why D's rush to coupledom is making you want to bolt....too much, too fast.....without the "head over heels" feeling on your part.

[Justnotsure]

Man, I bet those 3 hours felt pretty amazing. He came back and said everything that you wanted to hear. Those are the moments in life that make it worth living. I'm vicariously imagining it and getting chills!

 

It does sound like you have that solid foundation of mutual love and respect -- which I think makes the whole "commitment" thing less of an issue. If you both know you love each other and are doing what you can to make it work, I feel like the rest follows, regardless of time commitments/schedules...

 

The fact that he loved you before he asked you out is pretty adorable. I like this guy!

 

Yes, I think coupledom would be grand...if I was crazy about someone. Coupledom with JB I can honestly say, would make me so happy that I'd probably keel over. But the love needs to come first.

 

I'm a bit embarrassed to say that D came over last night, we had a nice quiet dinner and went to bed. And, when we were being affectionate, I cried. Thankfully it was dark and he didn't see me, but I wept because he was not the man that I wanted to be there. I know it does me no good to hold on so tightly to this past that I can never get back, but throwing myself into this "future" doesn't seem to be helping. And I can't help but feel that I'm being very selfish. I probably need to act soon.

[mhowe]

I do have to say, it was overwhelming, and amazing, and shocking even --- since I hadn't seen him in 3.5 months. And he is, in many ways, quite adorable.

 

But, this is your journal....and since if I ever passed you on the street, I wouldn't have a clue who you were, I don't think you need to feel embarassed in your own journal!!! And hey, you know the relationship w/ D is not what you want --- and he is way ahead of you, so you know it's going to hurt him and that is a yucky, have to get to that soon kind of feeling. He is meeting your needs right now.....like Transition Man.....or BandAid Man.....

 

I once dated someone, who, when I realized that in my head I was referring to as Mr. OKAY for Now..... realized I needed to break up with him, because if I stayed in the relationship, I would never meet Mr. I Want My Future with You.

[Justnotsure]

Hah - more embarrassed on the level of -- this isn't the way that I want to treat other people. How awful is it that while I'm silently crying over a man who never loved me, D is lying there thinking that he's thrilled to have found someone that he feels such a connection with? It makes me feel as though I am deceiving him in some way -- though I've made no promises. I suppose, by agreeing to be in a relationship with him, I have implicitly agreed to be loyal and open -- and I just don't feel it. A friend at lunch was telling me that her friend who I have a massive crush on (in a harmless way) is on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend. I couldn't help but feel excited about it. I just don't feel that loyalty to D, I suppose.

 

But it's very hard to fight - as you put it - the niceness of my needs being met by this transitional relationship. Like, it feels good that someone cares about me, and it's fun to do things together, and in a way it makes me feel safe that I won't run into JB with a new girlfriend and be on my own. Gosh, even typing that out, I can see how awful it is.

 

And, the parallels of my own relationship are not lost on me. At 3/4 months in, when I wanted to know where I stood, JB very clearly told me - this isn't headed towards marriage, I like you, but no longterm commitment here. So I made the DECISION to stay and "have fun in the moment" (read: wait and hope he'd change his mind). I haven't given D the opportunity to make the same decision.

 

So, I will deal with this soon enough. It is an icky thing to deal with, but there comes a time when you have to step up to the plate.

[Justnotsure]

Holy fire drill at work this AM. Basically someone who was working for me screwed something up big time -- I didn't have time to review it as thoroughly as I should have. Now it's on my head and I look like an idiot. Awesome. I guess it's good I'm on my way out, but I don't want to end on a bad note. Oh well.

 

This weekend was a bit of a cluster as well. D told me he loved me. Ugh.

 

It was Saturday night -- we'd gone out with another couple for dinner/drinks. Throughout the night, he was getting drunk and kind of annoying. Like, he gets a little aggressive with my friends! He's trying to be buddy/buddy, but his sarcastic/joking edge is a little bit too rough. So I was a bit annoyed with him. When we got home, he was just going on and on about how I'm mad at him, blah blah blah. I wasn't even mad! So, then he stops and says "Well, you know I love you, right?" I just hugged him. I didn't say anything. He went on to say that he's happier with me than anyone else he's ever been with, blah blah blah.

 

I just feel overwhelmed. It's too much. Plus, the physical stuff - it's exhausting. He's sooooooo into me and always all over me, and I'm almost getting to the point where I'm wanting to just push him away.

 

The next morning was a bit awkward -- we didn't address anything from the night before. He was at my place and I was just praying that he left. Luckily, he did (I'm not sure if he felt like I wanted him gone, or if he also needed space). I think I'll see him tonight -- and I think I need to have a talk.

 

The question that I'm struggling with is -- do I have a talk about how I need more space and I feel like things are going too fast....or, do I just end it? I actually feel like I might need some space to even make that decision!

[mhowe]

Knew that was coming (the L word), not the work thing...but, you've been a bit distracted....and, hmmmm, just thought of this ----could use it in your talk with D.

 

Since I don't have a completely clear picture of how you feel about D, I'd say go with the talk regarding needing more space, and things are going too fast. You can point out that since he sprang the L word, and you didn't reciprocate....cause it's too soon. And tell him what happened at work, and while you're certainly responsible for your own actions, you may have been preoccupied or distracted....and that certainly can't happen as you start your new job at the end of the month.

 

That way, you buy some time to (a) see how you're really feeling --- suffocated or just "meh" on the whole D. thing; (b) if the attraction grows because you're not seeing him as much; and © the "he's not JB" issue becomes....I want a relationship, but not with D.

 

If you keep going the way you're going, I think you might explode on him and not in a good way!!!!

[Justnotsure]

So stressed. I fixed the problem and apologized, but I hate this feeling. It's certainly not the first (or last) mistake I'll make, but I just get this sick feeling to my stomach. I can't really blame it on D -- I definitely just kind of trusted someone and had limited time, so I cut a corner and got burned. Live and learn, I suppose.

 

I agree on the talk -- I think I just need to assert my feelings of being overwhelmed and really cut things back. I feel bad - I don't want to hurt him, but I just feel exhausted. I'm trying so hard to figure out if it's my own issues, his personality, or JB that is affecting this thing, and it's an exercise in futility. I think I just won't know until I get some distance from it. I believe I will be traveling the entire month of August, so I think that will also be a test to see if I miss him/want the relationship, or if I feel happy to have all of that independence as I start a new chapter...

 

Deep breaths. Bad day.

[mhowe]

Well then --- the new job definitely works in your favor (August travel)....someplace good I hope!

 

Hey---didn't mean you can blame the corner cutting on D., cause you did what you did, but you can use the problem as an example of how you've been distracted and overwhelmed.

 

Just like in the first few days of a BU, your feelings and thoughts go round and round, and you feel like you can't make any closure or sense of the whole thing, so too is trying to analyze your way out of the quagmire of new relationship issues.

 

Put the morning behind you -- you fixed the problem. Breathe deep, go get a Mochachinno, put off the talk off for a day or so....take tonite to be alone with the dog.

[Justnotsure]

Sadness.

 

I think, after a particularly long day, one craves comfort. Though incredibly idealized and sitting on a pedestal, I wish you were here for that, JB. I know you weren't perfect -- I know you would have listened to the day's events and not offered much in the way of support. But you would have tried, in your own way. I didn't often complain of bad days, tell you about work dramas -- so when I did, you listened and wanted to be there for me. You're not good at support, but you would have hugged me, and in that moment, I would have felt relief merely because it was you, and I loved you.

 

And I know the bad side, too -- I know that it would have taken until midnight to get that support, or you would have had me come visit you and then not been able to focus or listen because you were too distracted. I know weaknesses and mistakes were not really okay -- that you judged me for them. I'm glad you admitted it in the end so I know that I wasn't crazy.

 

And now I'm going home to someone else bringing me dinner. That should make me happy. Instead, I wish I were going home alone. Now comfort and solace comes from within, as it has most of my life. It's safer that way.

 

In a way, it's good that you were terrible at it -- makes the loss easier. I never fully trusted you, I never fully leaned on you -- you wouldn't have allowed it even if I'd managed to figure out how.

 

Still, I'd give just about anything for a hug from you right now. I'd like to snuggle into your large frame and just love you. In a way I've realized that it was quite irrelevant that you didn't love me. I could have been happy loving you forever.

[Justnotsure]

Ah, get over it.

 

Pity party over. Yes, I love you JB. Yes, I will until I meet someone with whom I feel a similar connection.

 

That might be awhile. And that's okay.

 

The real silver lining is that I am almost craving singledom now, as opposed to the immense fear post-JB break up. It now feels as if it would be freeing rather than painful...

 

Progress of sorts, I suppose.

[Justnotsure]

Dear JB,

 

I miss you. I realize that each time I write to you, think of you, look at pictures of you, I just re-connect myself, but I'm weak to give it up. I just can't stop wishing that you felt for me. Being out here in the big, bad world, all I can think is that it was better with you - no matter what the capacity. I know it's the wrong thing to say/think/feel, but if I could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have set it in motion. I would have stayed. I would have forced you to be the one to finally rock the boat. I know that you were probably doing it through your actions -- getting later and later to show up, moving away rather than towards me, never making me feel special. But I'd wait and make you say I don't want this. I'd go on loving you , taking what time you did give me, and be happy with it.

 

I think you are unbelievably special and unique. I don't think I will ever find someone who matches up. Yes, I know that people say "but they will because the guy will love you" -- but, look - I have it now. I have a guy who loves me....it's worth so much less because he's not you.

 

You're right down the street. You are in my phone. We share mutual friends. But I can't have you -- not even if we grab another dinner. I know I never had you, but I had more than I do now. I had special private moments, I had snuggling, I had hearing all of the inane details of your day. Now, on the rare occassions that I see you, I have a stranger. Someone who is all surface. Someone who will politely inquire about my life, but not care. I know, I know -- it was always like that. But I can't help but feel I blew my chance. I had you there for 2.5 years -- everyday I had an opportunity to win you over. I had an opportunity to show you that we could work. And what did I do? Nothing. I waited around for you, I made things easy for you, I was always available and accomodating. I didn't step it up. I didn't take the reigns and say - this is who I am. It makes me sick. I literally feel sick. I had the man of my dreams in my life and I couldn't keep him.

 

I finally charged my camera up last night and the first 30 or so pictures were us in Montreal. That was unequivocally the best weekend of my life. If I had one to re-play, that would be it. God, I just loved you so much and we were so connected that weekend. I had you for 4 full days. You felt it, too. The email you sent me when we got back about being a great partner. Gosh, I just don't think I've ever been happier. Maybe the night of my birthday dinner when I thought you'd missed me enough to come back. Those hours were pretty incredible as well.

 

You were worth fighting for JB, but I just didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to win. The game was rigged before it began. I wish you could have loved me. I know, now more than ever, that we do not choose those whom we love. I know you couldn't force it. I just wish you could have seen something in me that was worth keeping. That 2.5 years wasn't so easy for you to throw away and not look back on. I wish you still cared about me now, as a friend, even. I wish you wanted to know how I'm doing. I wish you thought I was a good enough person to want in your life in some capacity. I wish that I mattered to you. Alternatively, I wish that I didn't care about any of these things. And sadly, that's how it will happen. How I will move on. Someday you will fade and I won't care. It won't be that you come around and want to grab a drink and hear about my life -- it will be that I cease to truly care about yours.

 

Until that day, all I can do is keep my dignity in tact. Continue to write in my journal and not contact you more than once every blue moon on a whim. Continue to represent strength. Not allow you to know that my heart is still torn into a million tiny pieces.

 

It's funny, when I began dating you, I wanted M to see pictures of us on FB. I wanted him to know that I was going on getaways. I wanted to post little hints here and there to show him that I moved on and was seeing someone. With you, I don't feel that way. I don't want to run into you with D and have you see that I've moved on. I don't want to post pictures of him that you can see. Perhaps that's because it makes it real. We are no longer "us" -- I have a new someone and there is no going back. If you don't see it, it doesn't really exist (though, I'm well aware that you wouldn't mind, and in fact, would probably feel relieved that I was with someone new). Maybe that's why - because I know you would probably be more relieved than jealous. Because I know it wouldn't faze you. That makes me so sad, JB. All I ever wanted was for you to care. It didn't have to be marriage, it didn't have to be flowers and wine -- I just had to MATTER.

 

I feel quite sick -- something is off kilter -- I have chills, my stomach feels unsettled and I can't seem to find equilibrium. On the outside, I represent life moving on. No one inquires about you anymore -- I am a happy, adjusted person headed towards a new job, seeing someone new. But on the inside, my soul is painted with your name and you are alive and well in my heart and in my lungs. Part of me wants to rid myself of this cancer, but another part wants me to hold on for dear life.

[mhowe]

I'm so sorry....breathe, just breathe. It will get better.

[Justnotsure]

So...maybe the chills and unsettled stomach had more to do with the fact that I had food poisoning. 48 hours later and I'm feeling better - physically and emotionally.

 

D wanted to take care of me, but I like to be alone when sick. I don't need anyone listening to me throw up or look like a ghost. I was feeling better last night and went over to his place which was nice. He took the dog out a few times, and stuff like that just can't be ignored. He just wants to make my life easier - but it's scary to let him.

 

I found out that my job transition is going to take place later than expected. I have another month to go. Ugh. I'm so restless to just get started! Oh well, more time to wrap things up, I suppose.

 

Alright, time to start the day. I'm still moving a little slowly, but should be able to be somewhat productive.

[mhowe]

Didn't you guys eat in?

 

Seemed like you were just in a * * * * ty place (no pun intended) and sometimes you just have to feel what you feel.

[Justnotsure]

We ate in on Monday night (Indian takeout, hmmm?). Then Tuesday afternoon I went out for lunch - had a salad, and a couple hours later started feeling awful. So I'm not sure which it was, but something definitely did not sit right....ick.

 

But you're right - part of it was not feeling good, and part of it was having a weak moment. The truth is that if I don't give up this unrequited, all-encompassing "love" for JB, I'll keep myself "safe," but I won't make any progress. I just have to keep trying to do whatever it takes to let go.

[mhowe]

After I read your post from the other day, I went back into your journal. Maybe you should --- because, man, you were not happy.

 

And you seem to blame yourself for your relationship with JB not working, when, I'm sorry, it was because HE DID NOT WANT TO BE IN ONE. It had, unfortunately, nothing to do with you or who you are/were. There is nothing you could have done differently --- it was a no win situation, and you know, in your heart of hearts, that you couldn't settle for that.

 

That being said, it still sucks that something that looked like it had great potential could never be brought to fruition. Hello reality.

[Justnotsure]

See that's funny - because I go back to where this journal started -- which was relatively late in the game -- there were a lot of issues that led up to me even finding this site and starting this journal. But when I read through this - I think - huh, there are only a few negative posts - and maybe they were because I was being unreasonable. It seems like on average, I was fairly positive? I don't know - maybe even my reading of history is skewed. But it's nice to know that from an outside view, it appeared that I was unhappy.

[mhowe]

I am in a very bad place with this relationship. I have not been able to kick these feelings and it's causing me to be passive aggressive and irritable. I'm just so ANGRY.

 

I'm so mad at him. I'm so mad he's not willing to put forth effort. I am so mad that I am never the priority. I'm so mad that I just give and give and he takes and takes. I'm mad that he's obsessed with his business. I'm mad that he doesn't give me an 1/8 of the attention and energy and effort that he gives his business. 2.5 years of taking a backseat, being supportive, and understanding his needs - and where has it gotten me? Absolutely f-ing nowhere. Nowhere. "Thanks for being supportive - I really appreciate it." Oh hey - no problem - would you also like one of my kidneys? How about my soul? Anything else? Can I make you dinner? I mean, I know you'll show up an hour late, but let me go ahead and just get it ready for you.

 

Palm against forehead face slap.

 

You were being unreasonable. Really?