Letting Go

[mhowe]

First of all, you can always PM me if you want direct advice --- I am a mentor of sorts for a few of my friends adult kids as I have a lot more experience in the market and interviewing...and life experience!!!

 

All things being incredibly unequal, I'd go with your gut and pull the trigger. There, I said it, so if it doesn't work out, you can blame the lousy advice you got on the internet!!! Seriously, your dog is young enough, you might move up fast enough to less travel, the relationship is too new to take into major consideration (or, on the flip side, maybe he'd offer to take the dog on short travel!!!) and you feel burned out....

 

Also, having dealt with LDR where you only get to see each other weekends, it changes the dynamic in kind of a good way, as you don't have time for all the petty bull * * * * and tend to let the minor stuff just drop off... btw, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

[Justnotsure]

Haha - you sound like my dad! Everyone else that I've spoken to won't say anything one way or the other -- they just say "yeah, that is a tough decision" after I go through the pros/cons. Speaking to my dad last night was so refreshing because he offered an opinion (and has a lot of career experience) -- he said I should go, too! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. So I get really fired up about it and then I start to panic. I guess I just know how fortunate I am to have my current position, and it feels scary to throw that away for something less "known." But...we could draw a parallel to this and my relationship with JB. If I'd never pulled the trigger there and let him know I wasn't fulfilled, I'd still be in an emotionally empty relationship, and I never would have opened myself up to the opportunity of meeting someone new (whether that turns out to be D, or not).

 

I turned 30 this year, so I feel like it is a good time to make the jump. My mom is also a few hours away from me, and I know that if I had to leave for an extended period of time, she'd probably take my dog here and there. My parents, though they drive me insane at times, are incredibly supportive of me. I am super lucky.

 

And yes, D has mentioned the dog thing. He leaves his dog at his parents' house during the day, so he made a comment that "I'd better get in good with them fast", so that I could leave my dog there as well. But, seeing that I haven't met them yet - I'm certainly not banking on free daycare!

 

The more I type in this journal, the more I realize that while I struggle with anxiety and I definitely can get down, so many things in my life are amazing. Dilemmas deal with a bad date here and there, an unfortunate relationship with someone with his own limitations, and struggling to choose between two great jobs. I am really, really grateful that these are my problems.

 

And mhowe, if my new job doesn't work out, I'm sending you my resume -- you'll owe me a job at your company.

[mhowe]

Just calling 'em like I see 'em!!! And, did you notice you said "if my new job doesn't work out..." So, triggered pulled!!!! You are definitely young enough and free enough to grab this opportunity. So, get psyched!!!

 

If you want more unsolicited advice, take a few days (up to a week if you can afford it) between jobs and just have some fun!! I'd say get out of town, but as you will travel a bunch, maybe not necessary. I used to head to Bermuda for a few days -- sea, sun, massage ---- it kinda clears out the old job and makes way for fresh start.

 

Anyway, congrats on all fronts --- looks like your standing on the threshold of an amazing new future. (I seem to recall typing on here somewhere that when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear!!)

[Justnotsure]

My screenname is just so fitting.

 

Thinking about informing everyone of my decision. Feel like I may get sick.

[mhowe]

You have nothing to fear but fear itself!

 

Trust that the universe has put all of this in your path for a reason

 

Pull up your skirt Nancy!!!

 

Please use whichever kick works for you ----big breath. Now, do it!!!!

[Justnotsure]

Well, I did it! It was hard. I've been here for five years -- my entire career --and I have so many amazing friendships and memories from this place. And, of course, they tried to convince me to change my mind, so that was tough. But I will start my new job in about a month! Wrapping up loose ends...exciting/scary...

 

D cooked a celebratory dinner -- picked up my favorite cheeses, and made lobster tail. He's so nice. He mentioned that he hadn't slept well the night before and I asked if he was stressed about something...and he said "honestly, I was just excited for you to come back." So strange. I mean, this guy really likes me. It feels weird. I can't quite figure it out. It's not that I don't think I have good qualities, etc...it's just that he seems to be so smitten and I don't feel like I've done anything to deserve it. I mean, it's not even like we've had these amazing, deep, connected conversations or anything.

 

On my end, I really like him, but I definitely don't lose sleep over excitement to see him. I'm definitely taking it slow and trying to ease into it -- I think in the past, someone who has been really into me has scared me and made me run for the hills....so, I'm trying to do things differently this time. I still miss JB everyday. I know he couldn't give me what I needed/wanted...but, I guess much like this job, there was so much comfort and familiarity there. Isn't it crazy how humans crave comfort? It seems like if I could just collapse into his arms, the weight of the world would be off my back. I know it's not true - but it's how it feels. And, I have to say, I missed him last night. He knew all of my co-workers, the job environment...he would have known how big a deal of it was to leave -- and he would have wanted to know the details of every conversation and we would have analyzed it. D doesn't really ask many questions -- he listens, but I have to be more assertive if I want to discuss it. I think I'm missing that connection that I felt. I know he didn't feel it, and I know I can build it with someone new, but everything in my being wants it back.

[mhowe]

Congrats --- hope you had a relaxing weekend now that the stress of the career BU is behind you.

 

I think you're absolutely right to hold back -- but remember, you're the one who is healing still. And, not that I know much about dating sites (ok, I know nothing), but someone like you ---- no baggage, no kids, a career (not a job), who is attractive, articulate and clear on what she wants....would assume you are a rare commodity.

 

And D is listening now, I think, because he is learning about you and doesn't yet probably have the depth of background that it tooks years to develop with JB. So, again, if you really think about it, it is the mystery of the connection that you are missing, and not JB....

[Justnotsure]

I know it is the connection...it's such unfortunate timing because the two are mixing together so much. Like, I had a GREAT weekend with D and I really am developing feelings, but when I hug him, I ache for JB. When we're together, I just can't help but feel this hole because obviously there hasn't been enough time for my feelings to reach the point that they were at with JB. I also think JB was a "perfect fit" for me in terms of my own commitment issues. He didn't push my boundaries, and had even more, so I could blame everything on him. When someone is being really open with me, I tend to be the one who freezes up. So, I'm working on that.

 

I met D's entire family yesterday at a BBQ. He introduced me as his girlfriend (after a moment's hesitation), so that felt really weird/good. Everyone seemed nice enough -- very different from my family, but really friendly. I think it went pretty well. The best part was afterwards, we went to his house, and talked...just a little more detail about past relationships (good things - he has never cheated; bad things - he has been the one to end his two major relationships -- one it seems because they couldn't see each other during the week. that concerns me with my new job). But he told me that he thinks I'm special and he cleaned out a drawer in the bathroom and bedroom for me -- saying that he hopes I don't get freaked out, but that it just makes it easier because we live far apart. He also offered to let me leave my dog at his house this morning. It's just SO different. He's definitely the caretaker type, and I find it really difficult to accept help, so it's an interesting combination. I also think because I was with JB for so long, being with someone who isn't afraid to communicate and mesh lives is jarring. It's as if I can be on the outside of it and say "yes yes - this is what I want!" but on the inside my defenses are up.

 

The good news is that I think I'll always know where I stand with this guy, and hopefully that will reduce a lot of anxiety that I have dealt with over the past few years.

[Justnotsure]

Two more minor notes:

 

1) I'm starting to really understand how JB felt being the one who was busier and then having to stay at my house all of the time. D definitely prefers me to stay at his place, and it is kind of easier with parking/size for dogs, but it's kind of annoying because I work much later than he does, and then if he wants me to come down there on the early side for dinner, I really have to rush. I don't get much alone time, and I haven't seen my condo in a few weeks (because of work travel and staying at his place). I know it was partially JB's fault because he wouldn't allow my dog in his house, but I do understand why he would sometimes be stressed to have to rush over to my place after a long day at work. Or, more frequently, why he was so late showing up.

 

2) I can understand JB's role of being emotionally unavailable more than I did before. I can understand how it feels good to hear someone say nice things about you and withhold them in return. I understand how that makes you feel more in control. As if you could walk at any minute without falling to pieces. And, if they were to leave you because of it, well - that's okay because they didn't really see the real you. They did not reject you - only your unavailability. I get it, JB.

 

Thoughts to keep in mind to ensure that I do not become JB.

[mhowe]

I know what you mean about having the other person be unable to commit, leaves you not having to deal with your own commitment issues. I dated someone for 7 years, 5 of which he was separated from his wife, but not divorced (due to monetary issues). And, the fact she moved back to Australia let me know that there was no chance for reconcilation. But, since he was legally still married 5 of the 7 yrs, I really never addressed the commitment thing. Which I had huge issues around!

 

You are a very intuitive person --- don't think there's a chance in Hell that you could become JB --- you are too self aware!

[Justnotsure]

Thanks, mhowe. I feel like we have taken very similar paths, so it's really nice to get your perspective! It's interesting about the commitment thing -- I wonder if wanting to be independent and have a career goes hand in hand with the fear of commitment. I think it's that deep down dread of giving up your individuality. For me, it's the thought of someone expecting me to have kids and a family, and frankly, give up being selfish. I like to think that I'm not selfish in the sense that I give back to others and am a good friend, etc. But having to give up the freedom of living life for myself terrifies me...

 

I have a friend who says that she felt the same way until she met her fiance, and now she's ready for the family stuff because it seems like a natural progression. I'm not sure that the same thing will happen to me...I guess we'll see! I know I would have done it with JB because I loved him so much, but that was very easy to say because I knew it would never happen. So maybe it's that you can allow yourself to want what you actually want without the fear, or maybe you only want it because you know you'll never get it. It's a slight distinction, but an important one. I've yet to find the answer.

 

I finally had a night to myself last night and it was great. It just felt nice to be home, with the dog, ordering Thai takeout and having some "me" time. I'm pretty sure I'll see D every other night this week, so I really soaked up that space. Oh, and I got a random text message from N. I hadn't heard from him in a month...he had texted me something and I didn't reply, and he took the hint and I didn't hear from him. Anyway, he'd said he'd been on a trip and heard some music that made him think of me, and he hoped I was doing well. Obviously, doing a little fishing to see if I might still be interested. I wanted to reply, as to not be rude, but I didn't know what to say! "I'm seeing someone" seems presumptious because it's not as if he asked me out or anything. But a more vague response seems to be encouraging him to ask me out, at which point I'd then have to tell him I'm seeing someone. I don't know. Oh well.

 

Big project to complete at work before I make my way to a new frontier, so I guess I should focus in and get to it.

[mhowe]

Similar paths, but I've got a 20 year head start!!! So, if you ever want to know what's around the corner, just ask!

[Justnotsure]

What's around the corner?

[mhowe]

Hmmmm.....age 30, about to embark on 2nd job of your "career" --- I forsee the beginning of a strong trajectory where you find much more fulfillment in work, enlarge your social circle and get to travel. Probably will not be w/ new company for more than 4 years before spring boarding to even better position.

 

Family/kids.....probably not in the traditional sense, as independence means so much and kids and independence don't go together....but anything can change. A

 

Relationships --- having the courage to walk away from relationship (which I use in the loosest sense of the word) that wasn't working and entering into one that goes against previous patterns will allow enormous growth, even if it isn't "the one".....too early to tell. What may happen however, is that you learn how to be loved, instead of just loving another....much harder for the independent type!

 

Next decade of life will feel more empowering and your confidence in yourself and your ability to interact in honest way with other will multiply and produce untold rewards.

 

ps...knew you wouldn't leave that quip alone!!!!

[Justnotsure]

Of course I wasn't going to leave it alone! Thanks for your predictions -- I hope you're right! The thing that I connected with the most was the "allowing yourself to be loved and not just love" --- you have no idea how you hit the nail on the head there. I have always been more "comfortable" in relationships where I was the one in love. Even as early as childhood - I would have these very intense crushes on actors or whatever -- in college it was professors -- basically, whoever was unattainable, I would love completely and intensely. JB fit right into that mold. In fact, he was "perfect" in that he wasn't some illusion, some actor on a screen, he was "mine" in real life to hold and touch -- but he was still unattainable. Perfect storm. I'm working on changing that!

 

So my good friend who finally got engaged to the guy that had broken up with her like 87 times, texted me last night at 2am -- they fought all night, talk of breaking off the engagement, etc. It's their cycle. It's crazy to watch from the outside, and I feel bad for both of them, to be honest. It verified to me that relationships do generally follow the same patterns unless both people are very serious about working on changing those patterns. Even then, it's very tough. That's why it's so important to catch things early on and not allow them to continue. I promise to do that this time around. I will not stay in a relationship that is not working for copious amounts of time.

 

Not much new to report. Saw D last night and it was low-key...take-out dinner and I spent the night over there (he offered to come to mine, but my AC is out). I still have issues with our conversations -- in that, I'd like him to be more interactive, but hopefully that will come with time. It's funny because that was one of JB's critiques of me -- not vocal enough -- but I feel like I would always ask a ton of questions and engage in conversation -- I just didn't dominate. D doesn't engage as much, doesn't ask as many questions. I wonder if I truly care, or if I'm reacting to the JB situation. Only time will tell, I suppose.

[mhowe]

I was you 20 years ago, just starting with my JB....7 yrs later, I left @ age 36 with not a lot of self esteem left in place in my personal life. Professionally, I was about to soar....

 

I did not date for almost a decade --- partially due to lack of available men, partly because work was a 4 hr commute daily and left little time for a social life, and mostly because I refused to settle for less than I felt I deserved after I had healed from the long term relationship I had left.

 

JC is the first man I have ever met who accepts be fully and truly for who I am --- there are no games, no secrets, no uncomfortable silences.

 

You will find it too because your quest is earnest...

[Justnotsure]

It's good to know that you went through the same trials/tribulations and made it to the other side.

 

I envy your work ethic and your ability to be single for that period of time. I don't think I could do it. I always feel an emptiness if my personal life is not full. I've definitely gone through lengthy periods (1-2 years) of being single and been totally fine that way - but 10 would be tough! But I also understand how it could be really hard to jump again after a 7 year relationship (especially if it mirrored mine and JB's). In some ways, I know I'm lucky to have gotten out at age 30 after only 2.5 years.

 

That said, I cried today for the first time in awhile. While I miss him often, it seldom brings me to tears these days. I just want to tell him so many things. I know I have friends that I can tell about my new job and all of the things that are happening lately, but I want to tell him. I suppose, in some ways, I want his approval. I want him to know that I struck out on my own, made a big decision, and that my life has changed. I guess, in some ways, it still stings that he doesn't want a friendship. That he didn't reach out at all. I just picture him in my head -- and I think -- I used to be able to touch him whenever I wanted. That seems so amazing. Now, I can't touch him, talk to him, email him, send smoke signals....

 

I'll never forget when JB and I began dating -- we'd been seeing each other for about 2 months, and I was spending the evening at his house on a Friday night. It was about midnight and we were going to bed when his house line rang. He never used it, so he picked up just to make sure that everything was okay. It was his ex-girlfriend. He was really abrupt with her and told her he couldn't talk. He then sat down to talk to me -- told me he swore they hadn't spoken in 7 months since they broke up, and that she had called out of the blue to ask if he could talk. I believe/d him. But deep inside of me, even back then, I thought -- oh my gosh, I don't want to be her. I don't want to be his ex pining for him at midnight on a Friday night, when he has a new girlfriend laying in his bed. The sad reality is -- even though I'll never place a phone call like that -- I have turned into just that girl.

[mhowe]

The bad boys always keep you guessing....because they have damaged your self esteem to the point that you want to (1)save them; (2)prove something to them; (3) prove something to yourself; (4) become the one and only woman that would change them! Believe me --- not worth the time or effort because they WILL NOT CHANGE.

 

You are NOT that woman because you won't call, you were healthy enough, if not fully confident enough, and yet still did -- to walk away. I'd be willing to be $$ that he broke up with her --- not the other way around. You don't need closure from JB -- you wanted commitment and he refused to offer it. So you moved on.

Physicallly. Mentally to follow!!!!!

 

And, while you don't think so now, you couldn't have a friendship with him because he still has a piece of your heart. I think him not reaching out is not hurtful --- it is out of respect for you.

[Justnotsure]

Yeah #4 was me throughout the relationship -- I wanted to be the ONE who could do it. Show him that commitment wasn't scary and that it didn't have to be a clingy/needy/demanding dynamic. I was fighting a losing battle because he just didn't care.

 

And yes, he did break up with her. But, he broke up with me, too. It actually sounds pretty similar - he said that he knew she'd never do it, so he had to be the one to end it. Then they got back together for a month, and he ended it again. After my birthday dinner, if he'd given me one inkling that he would change at all or be willing to work on anything, I would have gone back. I know I'm making healthy decisions now to move forward and not contact him, but it's only out of necessity. Because he has been such a brick wall and so adamant. In that way, yes, he did do me a huge favor by not dragging it out, stringing me along, or giving me false hope.

 

But do you really think him not reaching out is out of respect for me? I would have thought that originallly -- when I thought JB walked on water and he was all-knowing. But now it feels like it's more out of selfishness on his part -- a friendship with me would be tricky, complicated, and not convenient for him. He barely has time for his existing friends (and, most likely, the new relationship he has started), so I think, for him, it's easier to just let me drift away. And that does hurt. It feels like I spent 2.5 years with someone who cares nothing about my life or what happens to me.

[mhowe]

He started a new relationship? Didn't see that coming! It's like he takes a woman on for as long as she can stand his "rules", and then just walks away when she asks for a real relationship!!!

 

Regardless, he is totally about himself....so, yes --- being "friends" with you would be a high wire act that would be difficult to sustain. I don't think that he cares nothing for you or what happens to you, but he does seem pretty capable of closing doors and never reopening them. But don't get me wrong --- ex's like him do think about you, and even entertain "what if's" --- they are just emotionally lazy enough to do nothing about it!

[Justnotsure]

Oh, I'm just assuming he started a new relationship -- I have no idea! Haven't talked to/seen him in months...

 

But I do think your first paragraph totally sums it up! As long as you don't cross the boundaries, he'll stay forever. But the second you want more, he's able to just vanish. I don't get it. I know I'm better off....I just can't wait to FEEL it, rather than THINK it.

[mhowe]

For the record, you broke up with him.

 

As your ena-name suggests, you were not sure exactly where you stood and looked for clarification. In your heart of hearts, you "knew" what was going on, but felt if you could make him articulate it, he might opt for a real relationship. I dare say, you knew he wouldn't, but he had to say it out loud for you to be able to walk away. Way healthy, girl, but you made it happen (because you needed it to).

 

Now, if you could just convince your entire being that it was the right thing to do!!!!

[Justnotsure]

Haha - mhowe, I think you give me too much credit! I think you're right in that I knew it for a LONG time, and it took me a LONG time to finally pull the trigger and vocalize things. And yes, I knew with about 99.9% certainty that it would end it. BUT -- I immediately tried to backpedal once it actually happened, and if it hadn't been for him completely shutting me out and saying it was over, I probably would have waffled for perhaps a few more years. And that -- I actually do believe was him looking out for me. I think he would have been happy to live in our "situation" for a few more years. It was convenient for him and I put no pressure/demands on him at all. Plus, I think the guy liked me. Heck, he said there was no one he'd rather go out for sushi with when he has a free night. Sigh, romance.

 

Meanwhile, I think I'm kind of screwing things up with D. Every time he says something nice, I kind of make a joke or say "that's a line." So, he's stopped being as nice. He even made a comment last night "you get mad at me when I say nice things." I feel really bad about it -- but I just get terrified to accept it, and also terrified to reciprocate. I'm really scared to get hurt again if he decides in a month that I'm just not right for him. The thought of being rejected again is causing me to mess this thing up.

[mhowe]

so, tell him!

 

and practice...watch this:

 

You're so articulate! THANK YOU.

You're a great cook! THANK YOU.

You have a great sense of humor! THANK YOU

 

Getting the hang of it!!??

[Justnotsure]

Well, mhowe, you'll probably kill me, but if I can't be honest with my journal, where can I be honest?

 

I saw JB this weekend. Ugh.

 

So Thursday, I saw an article in a large publication about his business - very positive. I sent him a little congratulatory note (I know, I know). I just did it. All I said was congrats and that I hope he's well. He wrote back asking what was going on with me, and saying that it appeared from Facebook that I may be having a life change (new job). I said yes -- he replied with a big congrats and an offer of dinner on Sunday night. I said yes (I know, I know).

 

I spent most of the weekend with D. I met his friends on Friday night -- kind of brutal. I don't like them. They're very, very "scene-y" -- the kind of people who like to sit at VIP tables and are overly impressed with themselves. They also were not very friendly to me -- they kind of excluded me from conversations and I definitely felt like the odd man out. I honestly don't understand what D sees in them. Oh well. Saturday, we spent the whole day together -- played tennis, had lunch, took a nap, went grocery shopping, cooked dinner for his parents (yikes), and then watched a movie. It was nice, but when I woke up on Sunday, I needed to go home and be among my things, and have my own space. So I told him I needed to work (which was true, but I didn't need to work the entire day).

 

So, JB called around 6pm when he was wrapping up, and we chatted for awhile. We decided to grab a quick bite to eat around 8pm. He came over to pick me up and he had a present for the dog that he'd bought in his hometown in January, before we broke up. He'd left it there, and his mom had recently come to visit and brought it with her. It was just a squeaky toy for him, but it felt sad. The package had JB's name and my dog's name written on it. Just felt like I used to be part of that family, and I'm not anymore. Anyway...

 

We walked to a casual restaurant for dinner. I'm, unfortunately, so physically attracted to him. I know I'm being dramatic, but it made my heart just ache, and my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat anything at dinner. Seriously, I had like two bites. The thought of eating more was going to make me throw up. I just have such intense feelings for him and it was hard to be there. It's like he's everything I want - right in front of me - and I can't have him. He's so strikingly beautiful that it almost knocks me over. Plus, I miss our banter -- because I tend to adapt to the people around me, when I'm around someone who is smart and outgoing, I almost match that person if that makes sense. So, while one of the underlying themes of our relationship was that I felt judged and inadequate around him, seeing him once in a blue moon made me feel so much more alive than I am with D - who is quiet and doesn't like to have intense discussion.

 

That said, he was distracted and anxious. He had soooooo many things to do tomorrow and he's been sooo busy. It was the same old story with -- doesn't have enough time, his schedule is crazy, he's stressed out. Blah blah blah. He asked about me, the job, the family, the friends...but I didn't totally feel like it was genuine. When we went out for my birthday dinner, he just seemed to care more -- this time, it felt like it was all form. Like, he thought it was the right thing to do to take me out to dinner for my new job, but that he didn't really care about being there or how I'm doing. I may be reading too much into it, but I didn't feel warm and fuzzy. I also think he may have felt awkward because, well - it's awkward. It's weird to see each other and not touch and part of me thinks he was being on his best behavior - keeping things very non-intimate - for my benefit. Part of me thinks he was just tired and selfish. Another part of me thinks, maybe he's dating someone.

 

But the thing is - I'M dating someone. It shouldn't matter what is going on in his mind, it shouldn't matter how interested he is in my life....it just does. But, again, it's such a losing battle. It was a losing battle when I was his GIRLFRIEND...being his EX-GIRLFRIEND is like one step above the gum on the bottom of your shoe (dramatic).

 

I just feel stuck. Seeing him = horrible, heartbreaking, bad. Not seeing him = achey, sad, empty. I know the only way to continue forward and possibly have something with D or anyone else, is to not see him. And, of course, even if I see him again, it will be months now.

 

I should maybe take heart in the fact that it appears that he checks my Facebook page. I don't update often, but he was familiar with all of my updates and referenced them. So, I guess if I have something I want him to know, I can post it, assume that he's read it and is happy for me, and move forward...

 

Blah.