mhowe Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Wow --- guess that explains the disappearing act occasionally....had not really thought that all the way through. What drives me crazy is that when we are together, he acts as though there is no where and no one he would rather be with...won't even take calls....and when we are not, it is though I don't exist??? And yet, he can/will stop by on his way home sometimes, and I know it's just because he wants to see my face Anywhoooooo...enough about me. I have to leave for a lunch appt. What does it mean that this email relationship is the highlight of my workday? Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Yeah, I can't empathize/explain the disappearing act thing. I always wanted to see JB and would have happily done anything to make that happen (oh wait, I did). But maybe I'm better at hiding my flaws than JC is, so he feels he needs to disappear? I don't know... I know! I like going back and forth in the morning - gives me something to look forward to, and I know I'll get a different perspective on things! Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Same here!!! And I don't work Fridays (I know, great life!), and I leave at 2pm usually, but really.....I do look forward to your trials and tribulations. It's like talking to myself 20 years ago...which is honestly, a little bizarre! See you tomorrow....good luck if you're having the chat w/ D. tonite. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Tonight is the night. Is it cruel to text him this morning saying we need to talk tonight? I kind of want to pre-empt him, as I know he'll probably text sometime soon to see if I want to do dinner or something. But then part of me thinks it's mean to make him wait 12 hours? Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 No --- 'tis better to text him with a pre-empt than to blindside him. He can't have a clue this is coming at this point. I had to do this in college, and the "we need to talk" verbiage is the dead give away of what's coming. Then there is the "it's not you, it's me" follow thru.....my friend said it was the longest walk of his life (drama king) because he knew what I was going to say. If you text that, he may call with a follow up. I know you like to analzye all your options, so thought I put that out there..... Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 He won't call - we've actually never spoken on the phone - it's a running joke. He called once and I answered with a text, and ever since, we just text and see each other in person. It's a bit morbid, but he joked about how if I wanted to break up with him, I at least had to call and couldn't do it over text. Doesn't seem funny right now. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Isn't it weird when you joke about breaking up? About 3 months into dating JC, I was napping and had a dream that we broke up and I woke up heartsick. literally. When I went over to his house (we had a date that nite) and I told him, he said "Must have been something you did" ---- like, he would never break up with me. And then he did....over something he did...... So, are you going to call? Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Well, he actually brings it up fairly often -- he's always saying "oh, are you going to break up with me?" I wonder if he senses it on a subconscious level. But it makes me a bit uncomfortable because I'm thinking - well, maybe... I feel like you should only joke if you KNOW it isn't a real possibility. And the break-up dreams are the WORST. Ugh, I used to wake up crying -- I had them every few months with JB. I think you probably sensed something was up with JC which is what led to the dream....I'm a big believer that we know a lot of things deep down before they make their way to a conscious level. I won't call - I'm going to text and say "Hey D - I think we should talk tonight. Can I come over after work?" Good? Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yeah --- the dream was after he told me not to get too attached because he was going to F@#@ things up....and I thought "Don't get too attached....ah, little to late for that! Yes, txt good. You going to his house, good. And, on a subconsious level, I think then that D. knows this may be coming if he brings it up fairly often. Won't make it any easier. Can you hook up with a gf for a drink afterward? You should have a exit plan....no swan song on this one! Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yeah, it's always great to hear the words "don't get attached." I feel like that should be expressed on a first date or never! He was right about f-ing it up, though! I'm glad you're back on track (and hopefully resolved the stuff from this week). Well, the exit plan is that I won't bring my dog with me. So the most I'll be there is a few hours (I would guess a lot less!) I want to make sure to allow him to have any reaction he wants -- though, it could be anticlimatic -- I don't think he's going to sob or anything - it has only been 2 months. And yeah, I was thinking about the drink afterwards -- I have a couple of friends that I can call if I feel the need. I might just want to go home though - I'm not sure. I guess it depends on how it goes.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Yeah --- think it is. I had dinner w/ Mom last night and his sister/family in town for week, so didn't see him. Hopefully tonight. Between the text and the no dog, my guess is he'll get it right away, and as you said, it's only been 2 months so you should have to hash through much. Anyway, good luck. Don't envy you. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Thank you. I just got sick, but I know it's just my body reacting to fear. Ultimately, I keep telling myself this is best for him and how I would want to be treated. If I think of it any other way, I'll chicken out. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 Wow --- you are soooo like me. My stomach is the first to go when I am overstressed!!!! Stay hydrated today...you really don't have anything to fear, so don't let your anxiety level get too high. He's an adult, it's only 2 months old.....and I think he might see this coming. I know, you now just want to fast forward thru today to get this behind you.... Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 Slowly but surely chickening out. The problem is my brain goes 100mph during the day and I start to doubt myself. I start to think - what if I gave it a little more time? And, I'm thinking now - what if I had an interim discussion? Saying listen, I feel overwhelmed and I need to take a step back? Try that for a little while and if it doesn't work, then it's a more natural progression to a break up. And I feel like I did everything possible before pulling the plug... I don't know. Argh. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 So...D texted me that his stomach wasn't feeling well. I asked if he needed anything and he said he'd picked up chicken noodle soup on his way home. He then asked if I felt like coming over. Gosh, I'm such a chicken! I said okay. Now, IF he's feeling okay when I'm there, I am going to bring the topic up and discuss things with him. But if the guy is sick, I probably won't say anything. I feel icky and anxious and bad. I know there is no timeline on stuff like this and it's okay if I put it off for a day or two, but I'm just worried that I'm going to continue to get anxious and freak out. I wish I had some of my friends' directness right now! Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 30, 2011 Share Posted July 30, 2011 Seems like a good plan ---- don't need to throw the baby out with the bathwater!!!!! No reason not to take it slower and see if it goes ---- relationships are like marathons, not sprints. Hope all is well Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 It's been six months and I still miss you like it was yesterday. I can't help but imagine what you're doing on this Sunday night. I'd honestly give everything I own to spend it with you. I love you more than I can express. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Well, it's over with D. I just had a good cry and now I'm starting to breathe again. So I sent him the text this morning saying we needed to talk and could I come over tonight. Just as you predicted, mhowe, he picked up the phone and called. He just basically said "So, you don't want to see each other anymore?" I told him I'd like to talk to him - come over and hash it out, but he said he didn't want it to be a drawn out thing. So I explained a little bit of how I was feeling and how I didn't want to waste his time if I wasn't going to get there emotionally. He said he understood and appreciated it. He said he knew things went too fast, but that he just really liked being around me. He asked me to come over after work and exchange keys, etc. I know it was the right thing, but I do feel sad. Such a nice guy -- and obviously, such a healthy guy. No begging, pleading - just - total acceptance. The part I feel the WORST about is that we went out with my friends on Saturday night, and my friend Joe was out -- I talk to him about this stuff all of the time. I wound up getting realllllllllllllllly drunk and was basically ignoring D (I feel terrible). So we were going to head to a different bar, and I got a text from Joe saying he was going home -- so I just stopped walking and told D - let's just go home (I was really drunk, so it was good that I did). We got in a cab and I got at text from Joe saying that he'd been kidding about going home, and I told him I was going home - and he texted back "just break up with him and come out and have fun!" Well, apparently D either saw the text or I "showed it to him" (doubt I was that drunk). So this morning he he said "you've been thinking about this for awhile?" and told me he'd seen the text. I said that's really crappy that you saw that. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything? He said he didn't think I'd actually break up with him. Ugh. Overall, I know this is the right thing, but I do feel pretty bad. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Well, at least he saw it coming....and I would suspect, so did many of your friends (like Joe, your dad). When you're just not into someone, other people see it. D. probably felt it, and knew things were going too fast....yet did nothing to slow it down. You will probably feel guilty for the rest of the day, and then start feeling relief...and when that happens, you'll know you did the right thing. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah, I already feel like I know it was the right thing. I don't quite feel relief - it's not as if I couldn't stand the guy and wanted to get away from him. It's just that I felt guilty keeping it going knowing that I wasn't feeling love for him. I still feel sad that I'm going to drop off the keys and likely never see him again. I like him. I like hanging out with him. I like his dog and his house and cooking dinner, etc. But this is, for me, changing a pattern. I normally would agonize and drag this thing out for much longer. Making a clear decision is something that I really struggle with -- so, I know is growth. I know I'm making progress and learning lessons. I just wish it didn't have to be hard. I feel like I want to go comfort him -- or at least send him an email explaining myself -- but I know I can't do either of those things. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Changing patterns is really hard, so congrats. And you are right, it is also a sign of growth; hence the pain. And as far as comforting or explaining, no need. Really, I mean it, no need. He gets it ---- he's kinda known all along. Explaining it, hashing it out --- there is nothing to explain, nothing to say that won't sound like a cliche. It just wasn't right for both of you --- Must have been something in the air this weekend -- JC over drank (= got drunk) on Friday night, which is very unusual for him. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah, at the end of the night I was like -- umm....I'm 30 --- going out and getting really drunk and being an idiot - not cool. Not to mention, I wasted the entire day yesterday feeling crappy. I know that sending him an email or whatever is just self-serving, so I won't. I'm nervous to go over there - I know he'll be mature and fine, but feels awkward. Like, do I go into the house or just knock on the door? Do I go to his front door (which I never did), or the back like usual? Stupid stuff like that. JC! Did you guys have a good weekend? All back on track? Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Yeah -- it was a great weekend, and yet a bit different. We went to a regualr haunt, he ate sushi and have a few martinis, and I think, because of the heat and all, may have been dehydrated. He's not a small guy! We talked a bit on the way, and he basically said he knew he'd screwed up, but my pointing it out to him made him feel worse, as he was having a week from hell. He then said "If I'm not in touch, it's not because I don't want to be. Being with you is the best part of my life --- but sometime I've got a lot of * * * * going on, and you don't need to be in the middle of it". We had an amazing Fri nite, even though he got drunk, and when he woke up Sat. , said "Want to do a bbq tonite here" (meaning my place). First of all, he never "invites" himself first thing in am, (2nd) he was hung over, so I gave him and out and he was adamant, and (3rd) we have never spent 2 nights in a row unless we've been out of town!!! So we went to bkfast, went on our days, and he showed up at 6:00 pm w/ steak, lobster, swordfish..... what?????? Turns out, it was our anniversary the previous nite. I know, I probably should have known, but I didn't. Strangley, I had bought him a linen shirt this week cause I was killing time waiting for my lunch appt. and it was from a very exclusive men's shop. But I didn't give it to him until after we'd talked about the bbq, and I never mentioned the word anniversary, because it wasn't until that afternoon I figured it out! So long story not short, we had an amazing weekend --- he got up Sun am and fixed a few things at my house that had a deadline of Labor Day. Mind you, there are things at my house that have needed doing for 2 yrs., and we didn't do them.....but not looking my gift horse in the mouth. It was an amazing weekend and we're definitely back on track, but a few things still have me scratching my head... like Sat am, he said "We didn't do anything crazy last night like run away to Vegas and get married?" Sat pm, he said "Wow, it's like you anticipate my needs"....this was in the kitchen, not the bdroom!! so anyway, very happy --- but a little off base!? Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Hmmm....sounds to me like he may be ready for a bit more?.... Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I gotta go to a dentist appt., so I will give it some thought. Is this a change in behavior, or a one time thing? Is this going to play out is his disappearing act, (classic push/pull theory), or will I hear from him this week? Don't know. Will try not to overthink (very difficult for a Virgo) Best of luck tonite with D. Take my advice. Don't overthink. Link to comment
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