Letting Go

[Justnotsure]

I'll order it now!

[mhowe]

once more, mission accomplished.

 

I posted this elsewhere, but it applies to you as well:

 

I would not have had the patience to follow the advice/the lessons I've shared at your age, so feel free to ignore any and everything I've said. I am who I am after many life lessons and character building times. In fact, I have so much character, I have to pull the overflow along in a little red wagon.

 

I am sure you will do fine if you just follow your own instincts. It's good to have found this forum to vent and seek advice, but it really comes down to living your life to the best of your ability. With any luck, at age 50 you will be living your dream.

[Justnotsure]

I hear you. That's what is nice about coming here though -- getting that objective view and not feeling like I'll disappoint anyone if I don't do x, y, or z. With friends, I'll often feel guilty if I take an hour of their time to talk about something, feel like it's resolved, and then fail to act on it. And sometimes it actually makes me do something that I don't necessarily want to do just to not let them down!

 

Sometimes that's good, sometimes bad. But as I've gotten older, I've definitely lessened the amount and time that I talk about these things to my friends. And cut down the number of friends that I discuss personal matters with as well. That almost naturally happens due to marriages, kids, etc. Everyone gets caught up in their own lives.

 

But, as most people who know me will tell you, sometimes I need a swift kick in the rear or I'll stay frozen in fear/anxiety. I become paralyzed to make a big choice and if left to my own devices, can ignore things for a long time. My subconscious knows better - which is why I often need sleeping aids.

 

Also, I've run into some situations where I have felt pushed into a certain decision - most of my close friends have very strong personalities and are very vocal, so I think sometimes I can be swayed a certain way, then act, and immediately regret it. It's not their fault -- I regret it because I didn't make the choice - I'm responsible for my actions - but I allowed myself to be influenced. That's a bad feeling.

 

It was the reason I stopped seeing my therapist so abruptly. When I initially went to him, he pushed very hard for me to confront things with JB -- of course, that relationship was the reason I was there. But I felt he really assasinated his character completely and riled me up to so much anger. I'd leave feeling awful about everything. Within a month, things with JB and I were over. Okay - fair enough - he pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to confront issues.

 

It was the counseling afterward that rubbed me the wrong way. He immediately tried to get me back together with him! He kept saying I should reach out, and that if JB reached out - I needed to be very responsive. Each week, I'd come in and say "So, did you hear from him??" And then he'd go through the SAME song and dance about JB being a narcissist and trying to diagnose him and say what a shame it is and that I was his perfect fit. It was agonizing. One of my breaking points was when he told me it was his "fantasy" that we'd get back together. I was livid. You don't get to play with people's lives like that!

 

Other things too - I told him about an old boyfriend - M - who I'd dated prior to JB. Classic commitment phobe, but we had a short lived relationship, followed by a fun/flirty friendship. We went out to dinner a few weeks after the break up and M was really supportive and built up my self-esteem, and also told me about a girl he'd been seeing for a few months. When I brought it up in therapy, the therapist says "You should get back together with M" (knowing NOTHING of our relationship). When I told him that the relationship with M hadn't been healthy AND that he has a girlfriend, he said "That won't work out. He doesn't care about her if he was out with you." Needless to say, 6 months later they're still together and it looks like pretty serious.

 

The guy was just so careless -- jumping from conclusion to conclusion with no background. I was appalled.

 

This turned into a tirade! I think it's been stirred up in me because he called me this week to find out why I stopped coming in. I feel like yelling at the guy - but it's not me. I'm just going to leave him hanging.

 

Feeling pretty good about my decision regarding D today. Still feel a little pang here and there, but for the most part, feel strong. Feel grateful that we got out before it got too comfortable to leave, and feel happy about being on my own with so many possibilities for magic to happen.

 

I will miss you, D. And though I certainly didn't date you for this reason -- I think you brought me a little bit closer to regaining my balance and confidence.

[Justnotsure]

AND ANOTHER THING........

 

Dad, please don't tell me I'm acting like I'm 19 because I've rejected a couple of nice guys and followed my heart with other guys who were nice to me, but wouldn't commit. I don't believe it to be a sign of immaturity not to settle. You can say whatever you want about JB - but the guy was always kind and respectful, though not willing to commit. I was not dating some heroin addict nutjob in a display of rebellion.

 

Second, D was not some "sure bet" for son-in-law status. I dated him for 2 months. He told me himself that he falls in love very easily. But also, that he ended his two major relationships because he fell out of love. The guy easily could have broken up with me once his infatuation wore off. You're never really "safe" in any relationship.

 

And of course you don't see committing to marriage with someone who may not be your ideal as scary or settling - because you'll just cheat on them from time to time to get your kicks. You don't feel locked in if you have no issue with bending the rules.

 

Please stop trying to get me settled with a safe job and a safe man. That is not the end goal. And, I wish you could see your contribution to this whole thing. I really do. You see how I am with men? Part of you is in there. You see how my bro is with being desperate to have a family and cling onto a woman for approval/validation? Part of you is in there, too.

 

I forgive you. Being a parent is a thankless job and it's probably nearly impossible not to have some of your issues spill over onto them, but please don't tell me that I'm a moron. Please don't think you have the answer for everything from the ivory tower.

 

That is all. I love you.

[mhowe]

You go girl!!!!

 

At some point, and apparently you've already reached it, you realize that your parents are human beings that are looking at your life through their own filter. And while they want the best for you, they don't realize how much the world has changed, as the myriad of possibilities that exist for women at this point in time. Marriage/family is not always the goal anymore, where as 40 years ago any other option was so far out of the main stream as to seem impossible.

 

Our parents come to the table with all of their own faults and foibles, and we are free to take their advice, or ignore it. Unfortunately, they are very capable of pushing our buttons....but that is because they installed them. Love them, accept them for who they are, and live your own life.

[Justnotsure]

Yeah, I tend to go through phases with my dad. I spent so long attaining happiness through his approval, that though I can see how flawed he is -- his opinion still tends to matter. He just kept saying "well, tell the guy that I really liked him." It's like - you met him once, for dinner. I'm your kid. Give me a little credit. Ugh.

 

I went out with friends for dinner last night and when I got home, he'd called about 5 times, and left a message that was typical dad -- "you don't call, you don't write..." blah blah blah - trying to be cute - can tell he feels bad that he unloaded on me - trying to smooth it over by playing the victim role. Gosh, people are so predictable - and they never change!!

 

When I was out last night I started to feel the first inkling of freedom. I spent so long being in love with JB, never looking/thinking about another man, then when we broke up, I was shattered, didn't want anyone else, but immediately began dating to fill a hole - not for fun. Last night, I just felt free. I didn't want to meet anyone or do anything necessarily, but it felt like anything was possible. I smiled at everyone. When we went for drinks afterward, I flirted with the cute Brazilian bartender, and then left without saying goodbye. I'm not sure I've ever felt so determined NOT to look for anything serious, and just enjoy the moment and have fun experiences! It feels good. I think because it's not forced. I am more in the moment now than ever.

 

I liked the "push the buttons because they installed them" line, btw!

[mhowe]

Living in the moment doesn't get the good press it should have!!! Hard not to want to look to the future, but some times the journey is as good as the destination.

 

Can't take credit for the "buttons" line ---it was on MAD ABOUT YOU years ago and I laughed out loud cause it's so true.

[Justnotsure]

It is crazily true. Mad About You...blast from the past!

 

Just booked a trip for a few weeks from now -- a long weekend getaway to the Pacific Northwest. I have ALWAYS wanted to take the trip, and for some reason never have! Figured it's a great treat right before the new job starts!!!

[mhowe]

Great idea! I always do that in between new jobs just to reallly clear the head. It is beautiful out there --- my sister lives on Widbey Island off the coast of Seattle and I've been out many times.

[Justnotsure]

I re-read much of the Jung book this weekend. Now, it's not the healthiest thing in the world -- it's JB's copy, complete with his underlining and notes in the margins. So, it's difficult to separate him from the book/message. But it is something that I could read probably everyday of my life. It brings a certain peace and comfort.

 

Much of it focuses on attachments, the inner child, the unconscious. It speaks of a "first adulthood" and a "second adulthood." In the context of relationships, the first adulthood is often the marriage in the 20's represented with the fusion model of relationships. Both partners seeking that the other person complete them, that they find what they are missing through another person, the belief that somehow the two can fuse into one, stronger person. Then, often at midlife, one or either partner becomes aware that the other person cannot fill all of these needs and that in fact, the entire relationship is based on projections. When those projections fail, the relationship often fails. But it's up to the person to either jump into another relationship and further project, or look inside and realize that you must find it from within. And that only then, can you be a successful partner in a relationship -- when you realize that no one will save you, complete you, or make you happy and fufilled. Only then, can you attempt to find intimacy with the "other" -- by sharing your life experience and letting the other person know what it's like to be inside of your skin. That's the closest we can come, and if both people are self-aware, they will not be threatened by the "otherness" of the other person and can truly enjoy what a relationship offers without making it an excuse to not look within.

 

I probably massacred the summary, but it's so strange how much peace it can bring you to read a different perspective. To get off the treadmill of dating and come to peace with being alone. To know that it's okay, and in fact, healthy. To know that my crippling fear of being engulfed in a relationship and settling into a "normal" life of marriage and kids and fusion does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with me. Maybe I just had my "second adulthood" early. I didn't need to go through the first one to realize that fusion isn't the way to go.

 

That said, I don't think I'm this super wise person who has figured anything out, really. Some of the things in the relationship section talked about trying to find the qualities/things that are lacking in yourself through another person. I absolutely do that. I always look to be with someone "special" -- i.e., very accomplished, ambitious, and extraordinary because I feel like my being with that person somehow ascribes those qualities to myself, as well. That is something I need to come to terms with -- I need to either forgive myself for not going to Ivy league schools and starting businesses that I'm super passionate about, or I need to follow some long abandoned dreams.

[mhowe]

Always good to get that mid-life crisis out of the way early. Had mine at 38, when I broke up w/ LT bf of 7 yrs, quit my 6 figure salary and took two years off to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up!

 

The thought that someone else "completes" you is a false one --- if you see/feel that parts of you are lacking, just figure out how to bolster them up. I was attracted to guys that were "more fun" because I literally left no room in my life for "play"....but in reality, this doesn't "balance" into one complete person. It remains one person who doesn't want responsibility and one person who "plays" only in the company of others.

 

There's a saying ---- don't wait for some to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden.

 

You need not forgive yourself for not being JB --- JB would not have been attracted to a mirror image of himself either. And yes, now is the time to take the time and rediscover the parts of yourself that have long been hidden under the guise of assimilation into someone elses' life.

[Justnotsure]

I think a big part of it came with my relationship with D. He was soooo comfortable in his own skin, no underlying anxiety/neuroses, etc. He also kept saying things to me like "let's just relax" or "you should take some time and relax." It bothered me SO much. And it isn't because I'm a super hyper person who needs to constantly be on the go -- it's because I'm NOT. I mean, I am not someone who wants to sit on the couch and watch TV all day, but I'm also not someone who is constantly going, going, going, achieving, exercising, working. Prior to D, I had always dated guys who couldn't sit still -- and I would think "wouldn't it be nice to be with someone who is more low key and I don't feel bad for relaxing a bit." Then that guy comes along and it made me SO uncomfortable. It had nothing to do with him -- he was perfectly content being who he was. It had to do with me wanting to be more active and choosing to be with men that were active/achieving so that it spurred me on.

 

The mistake came in choosing men in order to define a portion of my personality. In expecting my partner to be the one to spur me to do what deep inside I wanted to do. Because they CAN'T.

 

The scary part is trying to figure out what it is that you really want.

[mhowe]

The scary part is trying to figure out what it is that you really want

 

Truer words have never been written. Imagine what your world could be ---- and then create it. Awe inspiring, isn't it?

 

Take your time --- there is no race, nor necessarily, a finish line. Because you can always change your mind!!!! Pick one thing....anything. And do it. Make a bucket list, and then start to work on it.....

[Justnotsure]

An Attempt at the First Bucket List

 

1) Writing classes - possibly publish something small?

2) Knock Asia and Australia off the continent list

3) Pyschology/philosophy classes - even if just for fun

4) One more big move and start over in a different city?

5) Try to be a better family member -- be more giving of time/attention to mom, bro, nephew

6) Sprint triathalon or Crossfit

7) Meet deadlines at work

 

To be continued....

[Justnotsure]

So I went back and read my journal last night and kind of wanted to punch myself in the face. My goodness, has JB turned into this God-like figure. Don't get me wrong - I'm still in love with the guy, but it was kind of sickening to read page after page of desperado - I can't live without him BS. Plus, every entry about D -- "I'm starting to really like D, but JB...." That thing never had a shot out of the gate.

 

But, I suppose - it's the one spot I have to put all of those emotions. I can't even remember the last time I spoke about JB in real life. Perhaps in passing when giving a friend advice and comparing a certain trait, but not in any real way. It's also a great reference to go back to and really see how I was feeling. It's so easy to gloss over and generalize and think something was "the best time" or "the worst time."

 

Speaking of giving advice...I feel a bit guilty. I picked my friend up from the airport on Sunday night and she was having yet another breakdown about her now fiance. The relationship has been so rocky, up and down, back and forth that you get whiplash just watching it. So that night, I talked to her about it all the way home, came into her place, talked more, and then yesterday over the computer, gave advice all day. It's just tiring. Because you know it's never going to matter. She can talk all day, but she will NEVER call off the engagement or let the guy leave her, so having her debate whether he's really the man for her in the long run is kind of...annoying. I finally get to the point where I say - are you ready to walk? If not, then you have to find a way to be happy within the relationship. It doesn't help that she just expects him to be an extension of her - have the same thoughts, do everything together, listen for hours on end. It's just not realistic! But, I have to be on her side and try to give advice. Anyway, she called me last night, and I just couldn't pick up. I felt bad because I know she's in the middle of a neurotic episode, and I'm usually there to talk her down somewhat. And, I wasn't doing anything. I was just at home, reading. I wasn't up to a 3 hour conversation, though. And that's when I wonder if I've really moved more to the selfish side in the past 10 years or so. In college, I never would have ignored a phone call like that. I would have bucked up and tried to fix the problem, or at least assuage it. Now - I get into this mentality of "I don't want my night ruined. I'd like to read my book." I can't help but feel that perhaps I'm isolating myself. On Saturday night, I was supposed to go out for drinks with a friend -- she cancelled at the last minute. I'd been home cleaning and organizing all day and I had already gotten ready and really wanted to go out. So I started going through my phone to see who I could call. Man, it was a bit depressing. A lot have moved away, are married, out of town, etc. I wound up meeting up with a co-worker who I hadn't seen in months, and had forgotten just how obnoxious he was.

 

So, maybe it's time to foster some new friendships. I guess getting involved in activities may help.

[mhowe]

okay, first things first. Austr/NZ is on my bucket list too!

 

Now, for the meat of the discussion. Last nights' activity is what the journal is for!!! To document the journey, the roller coaster of feelings, and the (at times) pure idiocy of the whole "it's my fault" mindset. Your relationship with D. was put in your path to soften the landing --- nothing more, nothing less.

 

And now ---- taaadaaah. You have nailed the dismount!!! Newly single, fresh outlook (or at least, it is getting fresher --- been a few days since the JB is Jesus Christ himself and woe is me attitude)....new job on its way and even a little travel.

 

New friends or should I say possible friends on the horizon with new job. Old friends --- you've heard the saying:

 

Some people are in our lives for a reason, others for a season.

 

Anywho....not taking the call is called being selfish IN A GOOD WAY. Selflessness is highly over-rated. Some people just take too much energy, and right now you are really in a place where your energy should be focused primarily on you. Plus, you'd already given her the better part of a day, and nothing was to be gained. Except for this thought: She is engaged and possibly more miserable than you!

 

If you want another read: Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.

[Justnotsure]

Totally more miserable! In fact, when I picked her up on Sunday night, I was in such a zen place (and really have been for almost a week - since I ended it with D). I just feel at peace and like everything will be okay. And she is still on that treadmill - having the same problems/issues that she's had for 3 years, questioning the marriage, AND miserable about the fact that the LDR portion of their relationship is over and he's moving here next month. She thinks it'll all go downhill (and I hate to say, I agree).

 

So it did feel like - huh, there is something to be said for going through the very hard and painful work of a break up. I'm still not 100% and there will still be days where I am lonely and miss him like crazy, BUT at least there has been movement. I'm not stuck anymore. The problems that arise are new problems and I'm not spinning my wheels. Or worse, committing myself to a lifetime (til divorce do us part) of the same problems.

 

Here is something I was thinking about when I re-read the journal last night though -- how did you go about taking an 8-10 year dating hiatus? Did you ever have the urge to jump back on the treadmill or were you so focused on other things that it didn't distract you? Did you ever feel lonely?

[mhowe]

Well, the relationship had been so toxic at the end that I had no desire to date. And the liberation from all the drama led me to re-evaluate my life and circumstances. Had just recently bought my new (old) farmhouse, got my dog (bucket list Check!)....and decided I didn't want to commute 4 hrs a day anymore.

So I quit working -- planned if for 1 yr, but the market was doing well and so was my $$, so it lasted 2!

 

Started doing sailboat deliveries down the eastern seaboard, figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, traveled....so the first 2 years were spent healing and actively not focusing on being in a relationship. After that, retooled my training and education to start doing what I am doing (Financial Advisor) and then started my own business. Easy to focus on getting that off the ground.

 

At times it is hard not to feel lonely in what seems to be a world full of couples. But I looked around and saw so many people in unhappy relationships or marriages and I thought "who needs it". I went on a couple of dates, but nothing remotely clicked, and I figured, if it happens, it happens. But I did not actively pursue anything.

 

I am probably, by nature, a more solitary human being than most. I can be very social at times, but I "people out" very quickly. JC came along after I had really somewhat resigned myself to being alone --- I do not live in a "target rich" environment for meeting single people my age that are not encumbered by ex, kids or addictions of some sort! And I had known him for 6 or so years already....so I guess the moral of the story is...live your life the way you see fit and don't worry about what anyone else has to say about it!

[Justnotsure]

That really is really inspirational. I've had that same feeling of looking around seeing people unhappy and thinking - who needs that crap? Also, I have looked around and seen people who looked like they were bored together - not talking at dinner, not touching at a park -- and that scares me more than anything. It was a big killer with D - feeling that malaise of boredom/routine. I want more than that!

 

But there is a lot of pressure. Even Saturday night, I was out with this co-worker -- he's married -- and he kept talking about dating and how I should get back on the sites and how these guys he was there with knew single men, and I just said, "I can honestly say I'm not interested. I'm really not looking right now. Seriously. At all." And the immediate response (and I've noticed this is common), is "oh well that's exactly when you'll find it!"

 

And it's just like - gosh, that's not really my angle here - I'm not "not looking" because then maybe "i'll find it." I truly am not looking - why is that so incredibly bizarre and unacceptable??

 

I guess it just puts people outside of their comfort zones. But as I get older I need to be more okay with cutting my own path.

[mhowe]

That is the secondary reason for having a savior....we are supposed to be inspirational (it's in the job description).

 

Every time JC and I are out, people ask us how long we've been together because we spend the entire evening talking, laughing, engaging with other people near us (we tend to sit at the bar at one particular place) and some even go so far as to ask if we're married.

 

You are right, it does put people outside their comfort zone. You are not "supposed" (aside: I think I use "" too much) to want to be alone. It freaks people out. You are not supposed to enjoy your own company.

 

How many friends recently married try and get you into that zone? It's like --- jump in, the water's fine!! No thank you.

 

The road less traveled.....it has made all the difference. Robert Frost.

[Justnotsure]

Right - not to make JB into Jesus Christ or anything - but we were the same type of couple - always engaged, always talking, people who met us could feel that vibe of excitement in the air. I felt ALIVE. I think your proximity to JC has that desired effect. The fact that the time you do spend together is quality. It's as if people can't accept that there is that different path - something must be wrong. The "right" (I use the quotation marks ad nauseum, too) thing is to build this partnership where you are constantly together. I just don't see it. I guess it's fear based - life is scary, one wants to have a life raft. But, you gotta learn how to swim, man.

 

Do you think things will change between you guys if you do get married eventually?

[mhowe]

When you say things will change between us (I'm going with the bold in order to back off on the ""....next I will attempt to break my () addiction)...I assume you mean the connection thing.

 

No. We are this way in public, and in private. We tend to feed off each other energy wise --- and seem to have the same rhythm going. I hope to spend the rest of my life with him, but not sure married will be the status. Though, he might be old fashioned enough to want to go that route --- funny, I was thinking about that last night.

 

He values his time alone as much as I do --- though I wouldn't mind being in the same house when we do it! It's weird --- right now I can't picture us living together full time, which may have something to do with the fact that at best it is 2 yrs down the road ---- but I honestly cannot picture my future without him

 

Hey --- did my saviour comment make you smile?

[Justnotsure]

I like the way you put it - your energy feeds off each other. I really believe in that, as well. Some people you just are in perfect synch with -- and it elevates everything. Whatever path you take - it's amazing that you guys found each other.

 

Yes - the savior comment made me chuckle. I think you are my conscious -- chiming in on my journal!!

[Justnotsure]

Ah, dad. You're such a shmuck. Totally forgot we had dinner plans tonight. They've been here 3 weeks and I've seen them twice! His buddies from Florida, where he is the entire year fly over, and he just kinda forgets he has a kid here. Oh well. I didn't even remind him. He says "we'll get together this week." Well, actually we won't -- I have plans tomorrow and Thursday that I'm not changing. Grrr...then my bro and his wife are in town on Friday, and we'll all go to dinner. I'd pay to get out of that.

 

This is why I will not have children. I get it - you're old, you just want to do your thing (though, that's been a constant your whole life - never had much to do with age), but somehow you can hurt me so badly by blowing me off! It's because you're my dad and those ties are crazily strong. A real drag. He just has no regard for anyone else -- it's like, I know he'll call tomorrow at 5pm and want to get dinner, and then I'll feel guilty if I say I have other plans. Because it's my dad and shouldn't I change casual plans with a friend for him? Blah. He's so self-centered - thinks it all revolves around him....because generally, it DOES.

 

I'm just not in the mood. You know what - if he calls tomorrow, I'm going to say "I'm sorry dad - we had plans for Tuesday, so I planned my schedule around that." Because I specifically asked him last week which night would work.

 

Also he said, "So have you heard from D?" I said no. And he said "wow, what a great guy." "Yup." "So do you have someone new?" "No, dad. No one new."

 

Who wants to go to dinner for that anyway?!?!?!?

[Justnotsure]

And, as an aside....he didn't actually "forget" that we had plans tonight. He's so transparent. I called (to see where we were going), and he picks up the phone and immediately says "We're going to X place on Friday night with your brother." That's my cue -- at that point, I knew we weren't doing anything tonight because he didn't feel like it. They've been out running errands and now he wants to go home and nap. Okay. Fine. Whatever.

 

Come to think of it -- life is much easier without selfish men in it!!