Letting Go

[Justnotsure]

Weekend is off to a pretty good start. Had the day off yesterday, cleaned up the house, did laundry, and met my youngin' friend for a late movie and then drinks. I have to say, I feel like I don't really connect to her at all. She's really shallow and it's kind of hard to talk to her -- I can't figure out why she likes me so much! I mean, it's something to do, and she never flakes on plans, so it's fine, but just a huge gap in our views on the world. I find her a little tiring sometimes.

 

This morning I'm at a coffee shop, keeping up with my online communications. This really is a bit of a job. But, I have 3 eHarmony guys -- 2 that I'm going out with this coming week. I also hope to see N before I leave on Friday for a 5 day vacation to go run a race. So, it'll be a full week.

 

Also, I find out about the job this week. I had 3 separate dreams about it last night -- in each one, I was the only of my friends that didn't get an offer (everyone that I know at work interviewed for it)....and then each time, I was screaming at myself "this is a dream, you're sleeping - this isn't real!" Bizarre. I guess I'm pretty nervous about it.

 

My feelings for JB are slowly fading unless I put my feet to the fire. For instance, I can think of him without much emotion, but if I force myself to think of him with another woman and picture it in my head, it still hurts. I know I shouldn't do that, and I generally don't, but there are times when I almost want to make myself feel bad. I think it's part of the process. I have to say, it was nice that I knew his family was in town this weekend -- it saved me from those evil thoughts that he may be spending it with a new girlfriend (that he somehow acquired in the past 3 weeks while working an insane amount). But his family won't be in town forever, and eventually, he'll make some time to go on dates (probably already has), so I need to be okay with that. So I keep pushing myself to imagine the worst case scenario so that I can somehow steel myself to it. Each time I go to an interesting or cool restaurant, I have a slight bit of trepidation that I'll see him on a date. It's silly - it's a very big city. And I'm not going to hide in my house.

 

Today, I think I may see another movie at a little art house theatre and then pick up some things to cook for dinner. While I do yearn for a partner, I do pretty well on my own. Definitely going to stick to the rule of no-weekend first dates. This weekend is unbelievably better without the pressure of that, and also not being hungover can really improve your worldview. I'm 30 -- I think my weekends of staying out all night and flirting are over.

[Justnotsure]

Good weekend! I was a total hermit from Saturday on. I bought a new book, made myself an awesome dinner, and just relaxed with the doggie. Read a ton. I love being home. I also went to a nearby park for a few hours yesterday. It was interesting to see all of the young families out. It's weird because -- no part of me really wants that. I see the kids running around, and they're cute and stuff, but I don't have that desire. Also, the parents look frazzled -- and they have no time to connect with each other. They're so busy being focused on their kids. I don't know - I just don't think I ever want that lifestyle. Perhaps I'm just too selfish. Heh, of course, that said, I have a first date with M tonight -- and he has 2 kids. Weird. I have actually never gone on a date with someone who has kids. So, this should be interesting....

 

N texted me on Saturday night which was a pleasant surprise. It's cute - he's been spacing things out 3 days at a time. Anyway, we went back and forth a bunch, and I eventually just fell asleep (the conversation had died out anyway and he was out with his cousin, so he wasn't responding quickly). Then last night, for the first time, I texted him. I don't know - I just felt like it. I hate, hate, hate Sunday nights, and earlier in the evening I was really missing JB. It was the first time in the weekend I'd felt that way. I've always struggled with Sunday nights. One of the first things I told JB actually - and so he planned one of our first dates on a Sunday night doing a physical activity to get my mind off the "Sunday night blues." I just hate that feeling of the weekend coming to an end, facing Monday morning, and feeling anxious. So I cooked dinner, watched the Amazing Race finale (I love that stupid show), and then took my book to bed. On a complete whim, I sent him a text. We went back and forth - it was really nice. I think I like him. Seems like underneath his quirky shell, there might be a nice guy there. But wayyyyyyy too soon to tell. At any rate, he gets back on Wednesday, so I hope to either see him that night or Thursday before I leave for the weekend. I'm actually really, really looking forward to a second date.

 

And now, I need to kick it into gear at work. Yowza.

 

More later!

[Justnotsure]

Stress levels are high. Work has been a mess today. It somehow always happens that during the busiest time, some fire drill from something else comes up. It doesn't help that I'm leaving town this weekend, either. I'm just going to try to put in a few late nights here and pull it off. Blah. Really stressed.

 

That said, the date last night with M was pretty good. It brought up some interesting things for me psychologically. First off, this is the first guy since JB that I've gone out with that I've felt like was a MAN. A true adult. He's 7 years older than me, but also just has that maturity that I find incredibly appealing. But I also realized that I find it intimidating - it stops me from being this strong, confident professional and leaves me feeling like my accomplishments aren't good enough. He reminds me of JB in that he comes from a clearly wealthy, WASPy family where everyone went to Ivy schools. Part of that is appealing to me, part of it makes me feel inferior. I know it's my own issue, and I'm not thrilled with how I handled it last night (I tend to be self-effacing or sometimes, try to subtly drop in something impressive). I just hate myself in that with people like that, I tend to feel like I need to explain or sell myself. It's stupid. He seems like a nice guy, non-judgmental - why do I feel the need to do that? I don't know...

 

Anyway, we chatted for about two hours, and then after two beers, he told the waitress that we needed our check. He explained to me that he was flying out for a business trip today - big, important meeting. It was 10pm, on a Monday, but it felt really sudden. He made a point of saying he had a really good time and asked if I'd like to do it again, and then he texted me right after we said goodbye - saying we'd talk soon and good luck on my race this weekend. So, it seems promising, but one never knows.

 

I was supposed to have a first date for tomorrow night as well, but I just cancelled and tried to reschedule for next week. I feel like I have too much on my plate with work and I don't want to have any other obligations. Hopefully that flies. I'd like to see N before I go, but we haven't set anything up, and I'm just not sure how things will work out logistically. I'm going to try to get a lot of work done tonight.

 

I hate how much stress and anxiety builds up within me. I hate that I put things off to the last minute. If I do take a new job, I think it'd be a great opportunity to really work on myself in this manner.

[Justnotsure]

So I got a lot done yesterday. Need to keep on task today, and I should be okay.

 

I have to say, I'm amazed at the online dating stuff. I could literally have a date every night of the week. I have 6 emails to respond to right now, and I just feel unmotivated to do it. I started thinking about JB last night and I sunk into that really sad, helpless feeling of knowing that there is no going back. It's different than before - I don't feel as sad or like I'm going to cry, it's more of a physical ache which I'm able to head off fairly quickly by telling myself that only going forward will work. That meeting up with him will do more harm than good, and that I just need to go on each and every date with every new guy and MOVE ON. It's a subtle difference, but I know that I won't "break" and contact him because I truly, truly know that it will only cause pain and I'm avoiding it. Before, I knew that in theory, but I had to test it. So no danger in backsliding, only danger of staying stuck in one place and not moving forward or backward. Hence, dates.

 

I heard from N last night. Turns out, he won't be back until Thursday, and even then, not quite sure that he'll make it back by Thursday to go out again before I leave on Friday. We have this odd connection - I don't feel like I just went on one date with him - I suppose that's because we've texted, etc. Also, because our first date was so kind of strangely intimate with him graduating that day, staying out so late, meeting my friends, and holding hands/touching! I'm used to drinks, small talk, and out. So, we may have to wait until I'm back from out of town next week to go out. I feel fine about that -- and that it's kind of cute that he's concerned about it. Not concerned enough it seems to make a concerted effort to get back, but then I tell myself, uh...it's a second date, he's not your boyfriend, he owes you nothing!

 

D wrote back and said rescheduling for when I get back into town is fine. I can't quite get a read on him -- he doesn't seem overly friendly, but I think you have to meet someone to really be able to tell.

 

I'd love to hear back about this job stuff today. Little anxious about it. Shocker - me, anxious?

 

Time to do some work. Oh, I just remembered - I had a dream that JB found this journal, and I was able to see who viewed it and that he'd looked. My overall feeling was not panic, surprisingly -- I thought (in the dream), there is nothing here that I wouldn't be comfortable with him seeing. I'm not sure if that's actually true, but I was proud of my dream self!

[Justnotsure]

Wow, super productive day at work. I got a lot done. In fact, I'm done with everything. I feel partially good - but being marred a little bit by dealing with a report that I turned in while going through the breakup. It was like eight million pages long and I knew I was really sloppy with it. And I also knew it was going into a guy who is really detail-oriented. So, he clearly knows that I didn't do a great job and he's kind of letting it slide a little because we're friends, but I feel really bad. I just don't feel like I've been able to maintain the quality of work that I am capable of. I'm burned out and at some point, I stopped giving things my all. And it feels crappy.

 

I really would love to start over in a new job. I know I'll be the same person, but a fresh start would be really nice. A chance to re-engage myself and build a new name. Everyone here likes me, and relative to a lot of other people, I think I do pretty okay work, but I'd like to go somewhere and reach my full potential and really establish a good reputation. So, hopefully I'll hear back soon on the interview from last week. Should know by tomorrow....if I get it, I'm pretty sure I'll take it.

 

No other updates, really. I'm leaving town in the morning, so I guess I'm taking a brief hiatus from the dating world to run a race, have fun with friends, and check out a cool new city.

 

Here's hoping it's a good trip...

[Justnotsure]

Great trip!

 

Was so active - biking, running, walking everywhere. Really fun time. Lots of great food, too!

 

It felt nice to leave town for a few days, but also felt great to come back last night. I love home. I was supposed to go out with N right after I got in, but my flight was delayed, so I didn't wind up getting home until pretty late. So, now my dating schedule looks like this:

 

Wed (tonight): First date with D

Thurs: 2nd date with N

Friday: 2nd date with M

Saturday: Off

Sunday: First date with K

Monday: First date with G

 

It stresses me out to look at that. I'm so, so lucky to have this influx of dates and I know it will be followed by a drought, most likely, but since I just got back and haven't been home, the fact that I have 3 nights in a row is a little tiring. Hopefully tonight won't go too late. I have a feeling with N and M, the dates will be longer and more involved. This is fun and I'm enjoying it, but I honestly hope that one of them just pans out and we both really like each other. I much prefer dating one person.

 

Speaking of which, yup, still hung up on JB. This dating is great and distracting (and N and I texted quite a bit this weekend), but it was not lost on me that this was a trip I was supposed to take with JB this month. Everything there reminded me of him. I pushed through and was so busy and caught up with other people that I didn't allow myself to wallow, but on the plane ride home yesterday it hit me kind of hard. I was fighting back tears -- I opened my computer and just journaled into a blank document. It seemed to help. Sometimes there is just so much emotion there that it needs to get out. I'm beyond the point where I really want to talk to friends about it because I feel silly repeating myself. Also, they'd rather hear about the dating stories, the happy stuff...no one wants to hear that you're still feeling dead inside underneath.

 

I get to pick up my puppy in a few hours! I'm so happy. I'm going to sneak out early get him and then get ready for this date.

 

Updates later.

[Justnotsure]

Wow. I amazed by life sometimes.

 

So I met D last night. He suggested a really fancy sushi place -- which I thought was a bit odd for a first date, but hey - I am not one to turn down sushi. I was about 10 minutes late because the cab got stuck in traffic, and hurriedly met him at the bar. He didn't smile and he did not seem super friendly. Really stiff. Awkward. Cute. I thought - huh, he doesn't like what he sees and he's kind of a jerk. About 10-15 minutes in, he loosened up a little bit, smiled and actually started talking more. It was still a bit strained, though.

 

Anyway, we sat down to dinner and continued chatting. He's in finance, self-employed, and a little bit...hmm....what's the word...pompous? Like, not a total jerk or anything, but he'd drop in that he was on a private jet or that he owns buildings here and there. I'm thinking the whole time - there is no way this guy is into me. Seems like the type who'd be with a blonde, model-ish girl. Definitely not me. There were moments though, that I liked him - when he put his guard down a little bit and was telling me about some of his irrational fears, he was very likeable. And he seemed interested in what I had to say, as well. I don't know. Interesting.

 

The valet wound up bringing him his keys, as the restaurant was shutting down, and so he offered me a ride home. Of course, fancy car - black, with black leather seats. Just kind of funny. He dropped me off and I thanked him for dinner and the ride, and he mumbled "yeah, and hopefully we'll go out again." I got out of the car and thought - I'll never see that guy again.

 

So of course, he emailed me this morning, asking me to go out again before he leaves for a week-long vacation on Sunday. So strange. I didn't read that one well. The problem is a) I don't know if I should go out with him again, and b) my only time slot before Sunday is Saturday night, which I really wanted to leave open with no plans. I can't decide! I think I'll just sit on it for a few hours.

 

Meanwhile, when I got home, M had texted regarding Friday night plans - we're going to a play! Really fun to have someone plan something other than a dinner or drinks. Also, meeting up with N tonight finally after weeks of texting. I don't know - I have to say, being on the roll of getting the second dates is boosting my ego. I feel good today (I know how dangerous it is to rely on others for that, but man, it's hard to avoid it). In fact, I had this crazy idea of sending JB a birthday gift and was going to do it, but now that urge has been completely suppressed.

[Justnotsure]

So, I think I'm in a little bit over my head. I'm not sure how to balance --- I'm thinking some of these will probably fizzle out and the balance will come on its own, but right now, I think I'm kind of dating too many people.

 

I met up with N last night. I really like him and we definitely have a good, comfortable vibe with each other, but there are some things I don't like. I am a bit hung on the fact that he's not super friendly to people. Like, the bartender or people at the bar. Or, my friends when he met them that night. He's kind of an offbeat guy, so I think some of it is just him coming off as odd, but some of it is him kind of being jerky. Like, the bar last night, a fratty crew came in. I'm not into the frat type scene either, but I feel like I'm nice to everyone and I'm not....angry...about it. He seems a little angry. I could be misjudging - but just a red flag. I want someone that I'm proud and happy to introduce all of my friends to, and don't have to worry about them getting along. I don't need the guy who is nice to me, but jerky to my friends. Not cool.

 

But there were some real positives about him and I do think there is potential. The problem is, I think he's really, really into it. Like, he's talking about future plans and wanting to do this and that with me. Also, his profile is down from the website. It could just be coincidence, but I also feel like he likes me and he's not really looking right now. Which is great...but, I'm not completely sold. I just don't want to jump into something because it's there and available. I'm being really careful because I did that with JB...

 

So he mentioned meeting up on Saturday and I totally stumbled. I made plans with D on Saturday night (we're going to cook dinner and watch a movie), so I have no free nights until Tuesday! I said..."oh, I think my schedule is open" and then texted this AM and said I had an obligation that night, but could do something during the day.

 

So now, it's:

 

Friday night (tonight): play with M

Saturday afternoon: brunch/dog playdate with N

Saturday night: dinner/movie with D

Sunday night: Dinner with K

Monday night: Drink with G

 

So, I feel really...kind of stressed. I wanted to keep Saturday open for myself and now I have two dates. I just don't know how to juggle all of this. I'm really bad at saying no, and it's making it difficult because I can't say - hey you know what, I can't do Saturday, but how about Sunday....I don't know - I've just never done this before and I'm bad at it! I need some "me" time! Constantly being around other people, especially who I'm not completely comfortable with is kind of tiring.

 

And, I hate to say it, but it's making me miss JB like crazy. I know, I know. I gotta get over it. It's just...it was so easy, and I was always so HAPPY to see him. Like, I just loved being with him, no matter what we were doing. With these guys, it's fun, but I don't feel either extreme - like, I'm not super excited and I'm also not super comfortable. It's....pleasant, for the most part, but not...great. It's almost like a dull numbness....or being drugged...you can't quite feel everything.

 

I don't know - is it because it's too soon? Is it because none of these guys are right? Or am I just pushing myself too much and need to cut back? I'm not sure. And I don't have a heck of a lot of time for personal reflection (though, I'm not sure how much that would help). I PROMISE myself that there will be no plans made with ANYONE all day Sunday, until my date with K that evening. I need to be alone.

[Justnotsure]

I feel like such a jerk complaining about too many dates. I know how lucy I am.

 

BUT...I have some major anxiety going on in my chest right now. Being on that vacation, I wasn't alone at all. And now, since I've been back, I haven't been alone. Yeah, I'm here at work, but I have had zero time to decompress, and I just feel panicky. Because I know I won't get any of that time until Sunday.

 

I keep thinking about JB; is this how he felt? He was so, so busy with work, never had personal time, and when he did, felt like he had to spend it all with me. So maybe that was part of it. From my end, he was so busy, that frankly, I did expect most of his free time to be with me, but I always gave him those few hours in between to himself, even though it was tough. I understand how he felt, but I don't know what I could have done differently. I don't think anything - I never pressured him....but, I guess it was just the self-imposed pressure he had of having to give anything to anyone. He just didn't have room for it. I'm just really, really sad about it. I know it's a really weak thing to say, but man, I would give anything to have the relationship back. I know it wasn't right, I know it wasn't healthy...I just...miss it so much. If I were dating JB right now, I'd go to happy hour with my co-workers, get home in time to get the dog, and then he'd come over late at night after work. I'd get up tomorrow, have the day to myself to clean the house, run errands, and then I'd get food to cook us a really relaxing dinner at home. I know I'm going to do that with D tomorrow night, but definitely not the same. I miss the comfort, but I also miss HIM. We just knew each other. I could wear sweats and tell him stupid details about my day and my friends. I know I can build that with one of those guys (N seems a pretty likely candidate as he's already trying to slip into that boyfriendish role), but the fact of the matter is: I don't want to. It's too hard. Emotionally hard. Like, my chest hurts right now and I'm on the verge of tears. I know I have to push forward, I know that when I first started dating JB I didn't get excited to see him either, and it took awhile for those feelings to develop, I know I need time....this is so muddled. I'm just feeling....overwhelmed. And that feeling makes me want to bury my head in the familiar - I want to hug JB, hold onto him tight, snuggle up and not let go. It's dumb. It's been 4 months since he's been mine to hold. Man, I just miss him.

[Justnotsure]

So, I think the dating literally made me sick. I stayed home from work this morning - just have a crazy headache and feel really exhausted and icky. My appetite has also been lacking the past few days. I can't quite figure out if I'm actually sick or it's just symptoms of depression.

 

It was a total mixed bag this weekend - highs, lows, ups, downs...

 

It started off on a really bad note. Friday I was just kinda bummed all day - I got home and was tired and crabby - not wanting to amp up for another date, feeling like I hadn't had any downtime, and just still feeling that awful loss of JB. But, I bucked up, put on a dress, and went to meet M to go see a play. Wow, worst experience ever. The play was pretty good, we chatted during intermission, and then afterwards, he asked if I wanted to get a drink. I said sure. We walked -- we were in a pretty industrial, seedy area of town -- and found a little dive bar. He complained the whole way that he was cold. Whatever. Anyway, we chat for about an hour - he seems a little bitter and angry about his ex-wife, and then the way he talked about his kids - I don't know, just a little icky and overly like "I'm such a great father." Whatever. Anyway, he abruptly asks if I want to leave and I say sure. We get out onto the street, and he says "well, thanks for coming out with me...I didn't really get the connection I was looking for." fine - fair enough, some people like that blatant honesty (not me - after a second date, I'd just prefer someone didn't call) -- but he went ON and ON -- like he was breaking up with me! He made a sad face and said sometimes things just don't work out and they should be organic, and blah blah blah -- I seriously was like, dude, enough! So then he just wishes me luck and walks in the other direction, leaving me alone, with no cab, in a really sketchy neighborhood!! I was so stunned - I just have never had anyone be that rude to me. Once I got past the shock, walked around, and found a cab, I was fuming. I wanted to tell him that I hoped he expected his daughter to go out with nicer guys who would make sure they got safely into a cab before ditching them. Of course, I just let it go -- but man, it was a bad ending to a bad day.

 

I came home tired and of course, missing JB more than ever. I woke up the next morning and felt awful. In fact, if I am sick, I think it started on Saturday morning. I almost felt hungover, but I'd had one beer the night before. Anyway, N texted to see what we were doing that afternoon. We were supposed to have a picnic, but the weather wasn't great, so I suggested a movie. Not much to say about that date - it was the 3rd one with him, and I don't really feel a spark. I don't know - he's got that whole judgey about other people thing going on - he made a bunch more comments about groups of people, and it just got kinda old. I don't think I dig him. Plus, we're in totally different places - he just graduated, wants to spend the summer playing around and not getting a job, and is going to "crash" on his buddy's couch. I think that's totally fine, but it's just not really what I'm looking for at this age. So, I don't think I'd go on another date with him.

 

The highlight of the weekend was my Saturday night date with D. I was NOT looking forward to it. After I got home from the movie with N, I just laid on the couch, staring at the ceiling, wishing I didn't have plans. Now that I think of it - I think I was already sick. Just physically exhausted. Plus, during the movie with N - I got really emotional - it was kind of a sad movie, but I also started feeling really, really anxious about the fact that he wasn't JB. I think I figured out that it's like when I'm with someone and don't feel a connection, it's worse than being alone because the lack of connection just makes me ache for JB. Anyway, I bucked up once again, and headed over to D's house for dinner and a movie.

 

His place is nice. Pretty bachelor-y. He owns the building and lives in the upstairs apartment. He had cooked a pretty impressive dinner - roasted beets with goat cheese, beef curry (I didn't mention that I don't eat beef!), and my favorite vegetable (which I'd mentioned to him on our first date). Dinner was the same as our first sushi dinner, in that it was pretty tense at first. He's just not a smiley guy -- and it's a little awkward. Then we started talking about a subject of mutual interest, and it's like you can visibly see him relax and he gets a lot friendlier. I find it fairly hard to read him, I'd say. Anyway, we finish up dinner, and the movies that he's chosen are all classics (Casablanca, On the Waterfront, etc) -- swoon. I love that stuff. We I picked one and we sat on the couch, our hands a few inches apart. Eventually he held my hand, and then put his arm around me. I felt like I was about 14! It's been about 3 years now since I've held someone else's hand - snuggled with someone new and it felt good, but strange. Or strange, but good. After the movie ended, he kissed me and we made out for awhile. He lamented that I hadn't brought my dog (he'd invited him) because then I could have spent the night. I was like...uhh...no way, dude..2nd date? It already went a little farther than is really my style. But I like him. We definitely have chemistry. And it was....fun. We chatted for awhile after we made out and it was really intimate - actually probably too quickly intimate, but nice nonetheless. We talked about how we both are kind of shy and we've never dated people who are similar to us. I don't know...we'll see....I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I felt a bit of a connection. And I needed that!! No matter what happens, it's nice to know you can feel that chemistry with someone new.

 

He's gone now for 8 days to a wedding, and to be honest, I'm a bit relieved. I need a break. He texted yesterday and told me he'd had a really nice time, etc., so now I feel comfy just relaxing and waiting until he gets back to see what happens.

 

I did have another date last night -- first date -- with K. Not much to say about it. I didn't feel very attracted to him and the conversation felt forced. Job interview-y. At the end, it seemed clear he wanted to go out again, but I don't think I'll go on a second date. I feel tired of dating and only want to do it with people where I feel we could actually connect.

 

I stayed home sick from work today, so I cancelled the first date with G for tonight. I honestly do not feel well enough to do anything. I wound up having to come into the office because I forgot about an important meeting, but I'm going to head out, go home, and try to get a really really good nights' sleep.

 

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I miss JB, but I am hopeful for the future.

 

(Oh- and PS - I got the job!!!!!!)

[mhowe]

Congrats on the job!!!! And wow, reading about your dating makes me exhausted, so I can only imagine how you feel. I give you a lot of credit for putting yourself back out there with such determination. At least you live in a "target rich" environment!!!!

 

So, will you take the new job and start afresh? From what you said in an earlier post, it sounds like a great way to clear the cobwebs and begin a new chapter. I have done that before in my life, and due to the newness of the new job, and the energy and enthusiam, plus having to really focus on building new alliances, etc. it feels like a new life...but the best part is, I always take a week vaca in between and go somewhere fun to reset my mind! Anyway, good luck.

[Justnotsure]

Congrats on the job!!!! And wow, reading about your dating makes me exhausted, so I can only imagine how you feel. I give you a lot of credit for putting yourself back out there with such determination. At least you live in a "target rich" environment!!!!

 

So, will you take the new job and start afresh? From what you said in an earlier post, it sounds like a great way to clear the cobwebs and begin a new chapter. I have done that before in my life, and due to the newness of the new job, and the energy and enthusiam, plus having to really focus on building new alliances, etc. it feels like a new life...but the best part is, I always take a week vaca in between and go somewhere fun to reset my mind! Anyway, good luck.

 

 

I'm trying, mhowe! I'm really trying to put myself out there and move forward. It has been and I know, will continue to be, a bumpy road, but believe it or not, I sometimes repeat your advice to myself. The line you wrote that JB "wouldn't, won't, and will not try" really resonated with me. Everytime I feel really sad and desperate and like I want to contact him and tell him how much I miss him, I think of that line and stop myself. So, thank you.

 

As for the job, I'm waiting on the actual offer. I got an email saying that they would extend me an offer within the next two weeks. There are a lot of pros and cons on each side. I really like my current company and they treat me well - honestly, I am really lucky to have some of the benefits and work environment that I have, so it's not that I'm fleeing out the door. Plus, the new job would be a little bit more risky -- lots of opportunity for advancement, but less established company. So....we'll see. A lot hinges on the offer. But the thought of starting over fresh is appealing on a personal and professional level. I am ridiculously lucky to be in a position where I have a choice between two things.

 

Things on the dating front have calmed down (thankfully). I did get a text from D and N yesterday. D is on vacation and just checking in (even over text, he's very hard to read and our communication is a bit awkward). N mentioned getting together later this week. I didn't really give an answer. I don't know...part of me feels like, go out with him again and see - it's always good to have more than one egg in the basket, but a part of me feels like, shouldn't I trust my instincts? Why do I find it so hard to say no? Are 3 dates enough to know someone isn't right? Knowing me, I'll probably go out with him one more time just to see....the fear of not knowing if I made the right decision usually wins out in my world.

[mhowe]

Sorry I had to be the one to give you that piece of advice -- just went back in your journal to see the context, and when it said "WE TRIED", it hit me squarely that you put in a lot of effort, but he did not. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I give you a lot of credit for not settling for less than you deserve. Stay strong!!!!

[Justnotsure]

I miss him enough to fill up ten oceans.

 

Dear JB,

 

I hope you are well. I hope business is good and you're finding a bit of balance in your life.

 

I am moving forward with my own life, though not without your face on my mind almost constantly. I went out with like 6 or 7 guys in the past week, baby. I didn't really like any of them. All I wanted was you and us -- I wanted to be wrapped up with you, reading a book in comfortable silence. Or having you quiz me about my day, or listening to you vent about yours. I miss you so much that it feels like my heart is broken, and I still break into tears at inopportune moments (like right now, at work). It just hurts and I don't know what to do to fix it. I look back at my journal and see that I have progressed - I used to not be able to make it through the day without feeling like death, and I definitely wouldn't have been able to meet all of these guys a few months ago....but, it doesn't solve the problem. I want to graduate from this heartbreak - I want to have it be a thing of the past and not something that still seeps in, but I can't quite get there. You're still on my mind and I still ache for you. And while you are just a mile away, it's like a different world. I don't feel that I could pick up the phone and call you or even shoot you an email. You're just not a part of my life. I don't get to tell you about my new job opportunity, I don't get to tell you about my trip or my race, I don't get to tell you about some a-hole leaving me a shady part of town (and hear you say: what a jerk! F that guy!). It kills me. I accidentally ran accross an email that I sent about a cool project I was on at work, and you took time in the middle of a shift to send me a quick note back telling me how cool it was and asking if you should come over after work. God, it just kills me. I would give anything to have that back. I know I deserve more, and I will continue to move forward to find that, but deep down, all I want is you.

 

Love,

Me.

[Justnotsure]

Officially sick. My voice is almost gone and I just feel in a bit of a haze. That said, I'm at work to finish up a project. I feel tired, but have a 4 day weekend ahead, so I'm just trying to push through.

 

So I'm trying to figure out what the heck my problem is and why I seem to have relapsed to the point that I'm almost desperate for JB. Here is the conclusion that I've drawn:

 

It doesn't feel good to be in the present - just on my own, living my life. I feel a bit empty and unfufilled - not because I don't have friends, work, dog, hobbies, but because I have the memory of having love and connection, and without that, everything loses its luster.

 

So the next logical step to take is to move forward. To keep your independent life going, but to search for the possibility of love in order to get that wonderful feeling back in your life. The problem is, searching for it and trying to live for the future is worse than just being in the present alone. Because each time you try and you don't get the connection, it tugs at your heart. You get cut. You remember what you had and what you don't have now.

 

So standing still and moving forward both hurt. Other options? Going backwards. Tried that. Felt amazing for a few hours, and then all came crashing down. Even bigger cut.

 

The problem becomes that you feel pain going backwards, forward, or standing still. You just have to pick your poison. The most logical option seems to be forward, as though it may hurt, it gives you the best chance of getting to the end goal. Unfortunately, logic and emotion rarely meet. I think in my logical and dogged effort to move my pawn along in the game of life, I have taken an emotional hit that has me reeling.

 

I feel trapped, cornered and unable to find a way out of this mess. So, I must draw upon my resources -- past experience. I have been in love once before JB. It took about a year until I was able to feel again. Until I threw off the (most likely) depression and re-entered normal life. I remember thinking that I'd always want to know what happened in his life, that he'd always have a piece of my heart, and that I'd never truly find someone with whom I'd have such a connection. I cried and felt sad. These days, I could care less what he's up to, have no emotion when I think of him, and feel it was the best decision of my life to end that relationship.

 

I guess this is a long-winded way to say that there is no substitute for time and space. And, even when I was mostly over C, it really took meeting someone else that I really connected with to fully move on; and, those connections don't happen everyday. I guess that's what makes them special. They can't be forced. I mourn the loss of mine - though knowing that it wasn't perfect. I am sad for it. But I can't let it own me. I have to fight to stay afloat and not give in to the sadness and emptiness. I have so much to be grateful for in my life - I'm so lucky in so many ways....I just need to be stronger and keep my feet on the ground. There are so many reasons to live, to be engaged in life, and not give up.

 

Be the person you want to be.

[mhowe]

I wish I could send you a time machine to move you forward to the place where your next love connection exists. My sister once told me, "when you are living in the dark night of the soul, the only way out is through." There's nothing fun about this period in your life, and the way I found to focus on the future was that I deserved more than I was getting, and that kharama, or the universe, or whatever you want to call it, would deliver it in due course.

 

While you cant connect with a new someone if you don't make the effort, maybe taking a break or at least slowing the velocity of the dating scene would allow you to heal more --- it seems that the "frogs" you spend time with just make you compare them to the ex-prince! Honestly, I don't have any answers, but I certainly feel your pain and wish you the peace you so genuinely deserve. Have faith....

[Justnotsure]

From a previous journal, dated April, 2010. I think it's important to look back and remember how I felt when in the relationship.

 

I've had mixed emotions this weekend. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I'm completely in the moment - and so happy. But then something will happen - something so small, that sets my mind spinning. There are just little things that JB will do that make me feel like I'm never going to be "that" person for him. That just make me feel so icky. Sometimes, we're so happy and I can tell he loves me and I feel like - okay, I don't need the security - we have something great here. But then, there will be a comment or a statement or a way of handling things that bring me back down to Earth. I think what I'm fighting so darn hard is that - ultimately, I just want a partner so badly. I mean, I want HIM to be it. And so during those moments when it feels that way, I'm on top of the world. But then, he'll say something that will cause me to remember that he doesn't want the same thing. That while he's happy with me and we certainly have a great time, ultimately, he doesn't WANT me - completely. And I gotta say, I can't seem to get past it. It's where I hit that brick wall. And most of the time, I just push it down. I look away. Or, I get really upset and cry when I'm alone. It's so hard to have someone let you in halfway - and refuse to let you get any closer. I know it's him - his issues with intimacy - but it does a number on your self esteem. I want someone to love all of me and to say that they do. I think I'm looking for acceptance. It's funny, as I've gotten older, my already independent nature has grown more so....I'm very comfortable by myself - I have great friends and I love checking in with them, but I don't need to talk to people everyday - know every detail of their lives and vice versa. I have found peace with myself. With my life. With my dog. With my books. Travel. And I feel good about who I am, what I've done, where I am....but all of that can't replace the desire to feel loved. To feel connected. It's such a strong pull. I don't want the all consuming co-dependent love....but is it so wrong to want to feel a little bit of that, a little bit of the time? I'm not talking about clingy, neediness - rather about trying to structure your lives around each other. Remaining independent people, but meshing your lives in a healthy way. I feel he is so scared of that, that he overcorrects in the other direction. So much so that it feels as if the entire relationship is structured in order to avoid any complication or messiness once it has ended. Both people walk away - clean. Is it not human nature to desire a little bit of messiness? I mean, he's not cold. There is a lot of warmth in the relationship. A lot of sweetness. Tenderness. But, there is that one level more that he doesn't get to. Sweet and tender he's been able to do since the beginning - I'm looking for that depth that comes with a more mature relationship. But maybe all of these thoughts are just female thoughts - maybe no men ever think this way. Maybe JB isn't such an odd case. I mean, I've been with men before who tell me they love me and say all of that good stuff....and it does allow you to be closer, no doubt. But in their actions, they probably haven't been as good as JB. They provide more emotional gooey stuff, but when it comes to following through and being solid - not so much. JB has very, very rarely let me down or gone back on his word. I mean, I struggle to think of an occasion where he didn't follow through. If it has happened, there has been good reason and he has immediately pointed it out, acknowledged it and apologized. There is something to be said for that. Something to be said for being able to count on someone. Case in point, Saturday night - he was supposed to come over around 7pm. Called a little before - was having troubles with his computer, really frustrated, would be a little late. Then, called a little later - couldn't solve computer problem - wonder if I minded if he worked out the frustration by working out and then coming over. I said okay. He called back a minute later and said "Are you sure? It's not fair. I told you I'd be there." Well, I mean of course I was going to tell him to work out - I can't imagine being the girl that says "yes, you did tell me that. You must come over now." I mean, would anyone ever say that? But if he is going to alter a commitment - he's very upfront about it and not flakey. Perhaps that's why he is so hesitant to make a commitment in a relationship. Because he is so serious about it. And he's divorced. That was a commitment that he made that didn't work. She was the one who wanted the divorce - I think he would have stayed forever because he said he would. Doesn't mean he was the world's greatest husband, but I think he took that commitment very seriously. And it failed. And I think he doesn't want to do it again. But does that bar the possibility of ever moving in together, sharing a life? That's a question for him. Which, frankly, I don't want to ask right now. Talking about these things is so scary - he doesn't handle it well - or maybe - he just doesn't say what I want to hear. Two different things, I suppose. I think it's actually both. The three conversation we've had have all been disasters. Me in tears. Him defensive. Feel like we can get super close, but the second I want to express it verbally, or want him to - he totally freaks out. It's like I hit the panic button or something. I mean, and having an entire conversation during which I repeat "I don't know how you feel about me." To which there is absolutely no response is also a bit of an ego-crusher. So, do I take his actions as gospel - believe that since he is sweet and caring and tender, that he loves me and wants to be with me? Or do I take his silence as saying "you're good enough for now, but not forever." I think that's what it gets down to - it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like if I were a little bit prettier, smarter, more well-read - that he would love me. But, that's ludicrious. He's dated women who are models, he's dated women with PhDs....he didn't commit to them either. The problem is not me, right? Or maybe some of it is. Maybe it's just a messy little combination. Maybe it's that he doesn't even think about it - just lives life, sees me everyday, and doesn't have cause to think at all beyond that.

 

I knew the answer all along. Trust yourself.

[Justnotsure]

Okay, so a couple of things.

 

First, I had lunch with a co-worker yesterday who is just...kind of a miserable person. Always complaining, always upset, always something wrong. I noticed that this is also spilled over into her interactions with others -- like, she doesn't want other people to necessarily be happy because she isn't happy. I found that so disappointing. I don't think I've ever been that way, and I want to make sure that I continue that. When my good friend got engaged just as things were falling apart with JB, I did cry when I saw her text (we started dating them on the same day). But it lasted a second and I think it was the exception rather than the rule. I am genuinely happy for her, and even when I'm not in a good place, I hope that I am supportive of others. I need to check in with myself and make sure I am being a good friend at all times.

 

Second, D is really growing on me. He CALLED me from his vacation yesterday to set up a date for when he gets back next week. I'm such a cynic that my immediate thought was "why is he scheduling now - is he trying to set up other dates?" Sigh. Stop being so negative - someone does something nice, just accept it! Anyway, we wound up texting back and forth and it was fun. We're going to see each other on Wednesday - I'm cooking dinner this time and we'll watch a movie. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to inform him that the physical stuff is not going to move as fast as he may like. I'm just kind of a slow mover in that area - I like to be comfortable, know someone, and be in a relationship before things go too far. I'm old-fashioned, I guess. So, we'll see how that goes. Overall though, I am LOOKING FORWARD to the date. Like, I'm kind of excited about it. I went back and read his profile on eHarmony, and there was something about him being shy and people not seeing that he is really sensitive and nice until they get to know him. That is definitely the read that I've gotten from him. There is a sweet guy underneath, but he has this kind of serious shell. So, we'll see. But man, it feels good to be excited about someone!

 

N, on the other hand, I'm just not really excited about. We tentatively made plans for Friday night, and I already want to cancel. I have a legit excuse because I am still under the weather a bit, and he's going to want to go out and drink heavily. Just kind of another reason that I'm not really into him. I mean, I enjoy sharing a bottle of wine, I enjoy going out with friends from time to time, but I'm not really looking to shut the bars down anymore (definitely not on a regular basis). He just seems too young to me, I think. So, I might just cancel and not reschedule. There really is no reason to keep going out with someone when I feel this way. I need to set boundaries for myself. If I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I think the reason that I haven't cut him out yet is because it scares me to cut my dating field down to only D, and then be disappointed if that doesn't work out. Is that nutty? Hmm....not nutty, but it doesn't make a ton of sense, logically. Because, even if things don't work out with D, I'm then left with some guy that I don't really like!!

 

Back to work. More later.

[mhowe]

If nothing else, and believe me, I think you've got more courage and conviction than 90% of the people out there, at least you have maintained your sense of humor in all this!!!

[Justnotsure]

Thanks, mhowe! I'm not sure if you're right, but that's really nice of you to say!

 

This weekend has been good. Very low key. It feels like a total relief to not be dating. I never rescheduled the date I was supposed to go on Monday, and I cancelled Friday night with N. I just thought -- if I'm dreading this stuff, why in the world am I doing it? I mean, I think there are times when you need to push yourself and go even when you don't' feel like it (I mean, my first date with JB was on a rainy Tuesday night and I totally did not want to go)....but, I had been pushing myself so much recently that I wasn't taking any time for me. Or, you know, just to hang out with friends. Need more balance. So Friday night, I stayed in, watched a movie and hung with the dog. Total lazy day. Yesterday was also pretty low key - I went to a BBQ around 5, and hung there until about 10. It was pretty fun -- everyone was a lot younger than me and it felt like being back at a college party, but had a couple of good conversations and it just felt good to be social in a non-date type of way. I did wind up talking to a girl for awhile who was from where JB grew up. When I mentioned his neighborhood, she was like "ooooh...that's the really nice part of town." I knew he was from a really affluent area, but it made me miss him because he was so not a jerk about that stuff. He was so nice to everyone and didn't have an ego about it all - it's just how often do you meet a guy from a great family, Ivy-league education, own business, tall, cute -- and so....nice. I know it's all surface, paper stuff, and that deep down we weren't right for each other -- and even that all of those positives he had served to make me insecure about myself....but, I just wanted him at the party with me. He would have made friends with everyone even though they were 20 years younger, talked to her about his hometown, and ingratied himself with my friends. He was just awesome in those situations. But then, I need to remind myself that often we'd have to leave after an hour because he had to work early the next morning and that work always came before me - no matter how little I asked of him. I'm trying to rid myself of this idealization I have of our relationship. If it was so perfect, I would have been happier....right? I think so.

 

Looking towards the future, I'm kind of excited about D. I'm excited about seeing him on Wednesday...having him over for dinner and watching a movie. I like that he's into that kind of stuff, but.....part of me wonders if I'm just trying to replace JB.....and, if he's trying to replace someone as well. It's that we're doing "coupley" stuff really quickly and it makes me wonder if he's trying to fill a void as well. I obviously have no idea, but it's a concern. He texted me yesterday - it felt really nice - I almost already feel like his girlfriend, but it's such a false sense of intimacy. I mean, I honestly don't really know the guy at all. It's moving pretty quickly -- part of me likes that and craves that connection, but the logical part of me thinks - a) you don't know him and b) you could be setting yourself up to feel disappointed. I don't know. I just feel so much more comfortable in the relationship role - in having one guy to think about. It's been nice while he's been out of town - I don't feel the anxiety of having to go on dates, and I have him in the background as a kind of "faux" boyfriend. Just have to be smart and be careful. I'm still communicating with a few guys on eHarmony just to keep options open. While I have no desire to go on a date right now, maybe I can step back up to the plate after I take a little break. I don't know. One day at a time.

[Justnotsure]

Lots going on at work. I'm doing a "special" project and it just seems like another word for stress. Presenting stuff to important people and public speaking -- not really my thing. I know I'm supposed to feel excited, but it just makes me anxious. I need to change my view on that. The offer on the new job has yet to come in, but maybe sometime this week?

 

In other news, I miss JB. Shocker. Here is the crazy part: I kind of talk to myself. Or, my dog, more specifically. Last night, I was scrubbing the house down and getting everything ready for D to come over tonight. I finally finished up, took a shower, put on JB's old, big T-shirt, and said to my dog "Don't you miss JB? I love him." It's almost like (and I'm totally aware of how crazy this sounds), I still want to be loyal to him. And putting on his t-shirt, re-living old memories, and thinking about him provide me some kind of comfort. It also hurts. If I start thinking about it too much, I'll remember the last time he was with me, or torture myself with the thought of snuggling up into his tall, broad-shouldered body, feeling small even though I am really tall. It's a pleasure/pain thing. It's a not letting go completely thing. It's as if he's died - I can still keep him alive in my memories, and I'm not ready to bury him.

 

That said, D is coming over tonight for dinner and a movie. I'm excited and a bit terrified. He's been texting a lot and it seems like he kind of wants to jump into things. I don't know. The problem with moving so quickly is that I don't know him. I can guess at his intentions, but until I know more about him, I can't be sure. Which is why I want to move fun, but take it slowly. So hopefully I can communicate that tonight. It is strange to have another guy at my house. Cooking dinner for someone else. I tortured myself all the way through the grocery shopping - thinking of JB and my favorite meals and how I knew what he liked. We also got really into wine (not in a jerky way) and we loved trying new wines together. I just miss all of that so much! But I know it's time to create new routines and memories.

 

May post later in the day to relieve some anxiety.

[Justnotsure]

Agh! Two friends (a guy and a girl) said that I'm "sending a him a message" by cooking dinner at my house. Yikes. Nervous. I hope he doesn't expect anything.

 

Oh JB, why can't it be you coming over?

[Justnotsure]

Okay. So, I think it went well. Dating is so awkward!

 

I made salmon, roasted potatoes, and steamed asparagus. I think it was pretty good. As on our two previous dates, neither of us ate a whole lot. Nerves? I know I can't eat as much on dates -- even when I'd been with JB for a long time, I always ate less with him -- not because I was worried about it -- I don't know, my appetite is always naturally suppressed around men I like, I guess. But it's weird to be with a guy who isn't eating a lot.

 

He brought me flowers! Super cute. I don't think anyone has ever brought flowers over to my house. Also, a bottle of wine. We're both just kind of nervous around each other, I think. Also, neither of us are super chatty. Like, I like having discussions, but with JB (I know, I know - I shouldn't compare), he always led -- I do well with strong personalities because I can play off of them. So it's weird to have to take the lead sometimes and be the one dominating. But, maybe it's a good thing. It'd be totally fine if I could read him a little bit better - he doesn't do a lot of the smile and nod and ask a zillion questions thing...so it makes me feel self-conscious. But, again, I can probably grow from that.

 

So we watched a movie and snuggled on the couch. It felt nice and pretty comfortable. I'm not sure if he loved the movie, but I was proud of myself for having him watch it. It's one of my favorites, pretty obscure, and not necessarily universally appealing, so it was putting myself out there (as dumb as that may sound). Again, I wouldn't have done it with JB -- once I showed him a similar movie and he relentlessly made fun of me and it, so I never opened up about that stuff again.

 

He gave me a bit of a hard time about the ending, but he was sweet about it, and said he really liked it. Also, he joked about a song in it being "our song" and "booking the band for our wedding." It was cute.

 

After the movie, things got a little awkward. I think because it was my house, he was expecting me to take the lead and I really didn't. So we made out a little bit, and then I think he felt like he should leave because I wasn't inviting him to stay. Which, I mean, I feel okay about - though, maybe he felt it was mixed signals. Hard to tell. I'm not going to feel about it.

 

He did ask me out again -- he said "do I have to wait until tomorrow to ask you out, or can I just do it now?" But I had to tell him that I have plans Friday and Saturday night. Saturday a bachelorette party (ugh), and Friday my friend Andy is coming into town. So I told him that, and said "let me check and see if Andy texted to confirm" -- I pull out my phone, and there is an eHarmony notification on the screen (that someone had sent me a message) -- he totally saw it -- really embarassing. I mean, obviously we're both on the site, but it was just so bad! So, I said I was free on Sunday and Thursday (today) -- he said "we could do something tomorrow - or is that too soon?" And I said "I think it's okay. I don't know - I'm really bad at dating" -- he said "yeah, I can tell." Sigh. I am really bad at dating. Oh well!

 

We then took my dog for a walk around the block, and he left. I think we're going to see a movie tonight, so that should be fun.

 

I don't know, I like him. It's in that total limbo phase - 3/4 dates, we get along, but it's hard to know if I really, really like him, or not. And vice versa. So I think I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, try to balance protecting myself and opening up, and just see how it goes. I will say - this stuff does get a lot harder as you get older.

[Justnotsure]

Okay, also if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm a bit fearful of this 3-4-5-6 date region because it seems like if someone decides they're not interested, you actually have to talk about it. Like, a guy usually doesn't just disappear after that many dates. I think I have a really, really big fear of being "broken up with" again. Obviously, I'm not emotionally invested, but I'm feeling a huge fear of rejection.

[Justnotsure]

Okay, so he sent me an email (slightly edited to take out names and fix a "your"/"you're" issue that he has:

 

Hey,

thanks for the salmon last night- i really liked it. You make pretty good potatoes as well.

I had two ideas for tonight if you're still up for it- We can go see XX movie. Or I have a documentary called XX and I think you'd like it. Sorry if I was bit nervous last night, I guess if I like someone a lot it's hard for me to be totally relaxed when you start seeing each other-. I guess im not good at dating either. Hope you're having a good day

D.

 

Really sweet, but I still feel super cynical that he has ulterior motives! Am I just jaded? I feel the speed at which he's moving makes me feel like he's trying to get something from me. Does that make sense? I don't know if I'm being overly guarded or not...