Sherry

[sherryberrypie]

Yesterday was my maternal grandma's 80th birthday, and my papa arranged to have that entire side of the family over. I rode the ferry over to the mainland with my older brother and my niece, and we stayed the night at their house and came back this morning. The whole night I really just felt like... I don't want to be here. I was trying not to let it show, but this side of the family is just... not close.

 

I felt terribly awkward and it didn't help that my Mom acts the way she does and my grandpa is fond of making fat jokes about me. Compared to the skinny minnies in my family, my size 10 is HUGE or something. He doesn't do it to be mean, but after years of struggling with my weight and having to hear unfunny jokes, I'm tired of it. It was things like, "well, you only came for the food, didn't you?" or (to my cousin who was behind me in the dinner lineup (oh, you don't want to follow Sherry!) Even one of my aunts was like, "well that was a mean thing to say!" I feel like a fatbutt today and was uncomfortable in my skin all night after that.

 

There were just too many cousins and aunts and uncles who are just involved in their own lives, and honestly don't care what anyone else is doing. The oldest cousin got married this summer, and never invited any of the cousins. It just got really tiresome after awhile. Everyone definitely has a shy side, which didn't help matters. I wish I could say it got better, I had fun, but I didn't. They're all nice enough people I guess. It's just, what do you say to a cousin you haven't seen in over a decade and know nothing about? Once we got past the job/school/house bits, there was nothing left to talk about. All night, everyone was just grasping at straws for conversation topics I hope my grandparents had a good time at least!

 

The real icing on the cake was when my mom decided to stay up later and said it was because she never gets to see my sister. Just saw her two weeks ago, at the dinner that I was never really invited to. I live 20 minutes away. She works about 2 blocks away. She never comes to see me, rarely phones. I phone her and she talks for 10 minutes or so, but there's always something more pressing. I was there the whole night, trying to talk to her, and she never had much to say, but with my sister, it never stops. It just HURTS.

 

I really don't want to try anymore, but I will. I try to relate to her, or talk about things that she can relate to (like teaching myself how to bake, re-learning how to sew...things about the cats, or school, or photography) but she never really takes the bait. I honestly think that the reason she was nice to me last year was because she realized that my sister was very ill and she did in fact have another daughter. Now my sister is doing well, and she has a boyfriend that my mom just seems to adore (I swear, she's planning the wedding in her head) I'm back in the forgotten pile somewhere. I wish I was exaggerating about this. I feel awful today. I feel so hurt and fragile. I don't really know what else I can do.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry Sherry. I'm close to most of my family but even in those close bonds there are still those who prefer to be around certain members (my maternal grandmother favors my cousins rather then me and my siblings).

[metrogirl]

I'm sorry sweetie, family can be the cruelest of them all sometimes. You can only do so much to interact with them and if they choose not to for whatever reason, it is simply their loss.

[sherryberrypie]

No one has ever hurt me like family. I do not, do not, do not, understand how a mother could be this way. I spent time with friends tonight, and given the choice, I would choose them over family any day. It's easy to say it's their loss, but when it comes to my Mom, I just can't seem to turn it off, much as I wish I could just stop caring what she thinks of me.

[sherryberrypie]

I slept in this morning and had to race through interviews and writing the articles for the next issue. The deadline is Weds and it has snuck right up on me. I'm not proud of this next issue at all... I'm just so unfocused. I'm gettin 'er done though, just need to write a couple more articles and get some photos. I had my first day of training for the new job today. I took advantage of the discount and got a new outfit for work! A David Sedaris book I ordered came today, so I read that for awhile after work and now I'm just taking a break from more writing/revising. I'll be glad for a quick vacation from the paper during Christmas I'll also be glad to be finished sewing Alex's halloween costume! It's taken about 8 hours so far, and I've set aside a few hours tomorrow before class to finish it up. I really do like sewing though. I find it relaxing and my mind finally shuts down and lets me focus on the task at hand. I keep wanting to start up a new painting as well, but I never seem to find the motivation or the block of time. After class tomorrow, my friend is coming over for dinner and to carve the pumpkins That will be nice.

 

Poor Moe today was sooooo lonely while we were both at work. He's cuddly and verbal like you wouldn't believe. I know he wants outside really badly, but I don't feel okay with letting him out until after Halloween is over and there's no risk of him being scared by fireworks, etc... I've grown attached to him very quickly and it would be so sad if he got lost or hurt. Java is about the same... but last night she was mad. Moe wanted to play, so he pounced on her and she yeowled like she was in pain. I shooed him out and shut the door, and spent some quality time with her. She's old and sore, but Moe doesn't understand that at this point. Once he can go outside and meet other kitties like him, it'll be better.

 

I feel so very tired, so I think I'm going to try to just wake up earlier tomorrow morning to get more work done, rather than do a half-assed job tonight.

[OptomisticGirl]

I can sew but I hate it as much as I hate cooking and ironing. Poor CS is doomed in our marriage, lol

[sherryberrypie]

I've gotten so domestic, even more so after we got our house lol. I do hate doing dishes and vacuuming, however.

[sherryberrypie]

Holy freaking tired today. On the plus side, paper is almost done!!! I just need to take some photos.

[sherryberrypie]

Holy productive! I just organized the upstairs storage, took the painting tape down, and rearranged/organized everything. That included several trips out to the shed. The loft finally looks like a room rather than just a catch-all/Alex's dungeon I'm sweaty and tired and proud of myself. I really don't want to go to class.

[sherryberrypie]

I spun out of control after this weekend. I look so fat in pictures! My Mom issues and everything after this weekend has hit me hard. Tomorrow I am just going to go and get a gym pass so I can go back and do more classes.

[OptomisticGirl]

I bet you look absolutely gorgeous, I hate looking at pics of myself too.

[sherryberrypie]

I have a pretty face, but a double chin, and I HATE my belly. I want to lose 10 pounds a month. I wonder if that's doable. I'm at 140, and I want to be 110. It's not even about numbers though, it's just about feeling comfortable with myself again. I've gained 10 pounds since I started on Celexa about 8 months ago. I never knew it could cause weight gain!

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, that's me. I have a double chin and I hate my stomach. I'm 190 though (all in the stomach) and I know i don't LOOK that heavy, but I feel. I just want to get down to 150.

[sherryberrypie]

How tall are you? If you don't mind me asking.

 

So last night Alex and I had one of those long talks, the really good kind, where you really hash out any issues and find solutions. It's so easy to get into your own head and internally pick over everything someone else is doing wrong, and just as easy to not realize what you're doing wrong. In this case, it all boiled down to "alone time" (what we call it when we just plain want to be left alone for awhile, to watch silly tv shows, or facebook endlessly, or play a game.) Well the problem with this is that we have such different patterns.

He rarely needs alone time, except for when a new video game has just come out. Then his time involves coming home from work and collapsing in front of the game, which he plays until bedtime. With the newest game, this had already gone on for a week, and as I so eloquently put it, "it sucks." He said that he only gets a new game every couple of months, but I pointed out that two weeks of playing second fiddle to a video game really bums me out. It seems infrequent to him, but because it's in such long stretches, I always wind up upset.

I have a more frequent need for alone time, but it's in shorter bursts unless I'm really into what I'm doing. I explained to him that a lot of the time, I actually am doing work at the same time that I'm goofing off, so when he comes in to interrupt me or demand attention ( I get annoyed pretty quickly. I especially get annoyed if he has been doing his thing, so I go and do mine a bit later on. Usually, he's done with whatever he's doing while I'm still deep into it. So we determined that it's a vicious cycle that makes both of us feel unappreciated.

The solution: Even with a new game, he is not going to play it for hours on end until he's finished it. No game comas, unless I'm out with friends or happily doing something else. If I feel neglected and the game has been on all day, he'll turn it off and hang out with me. For me, I will get out of my headspace when he wants to hang out, and not be rude about it. Sometimes we both really have to work against our ingrained preferences, but no one ever said relationships didn't take work. They sure do. I also asked him to take more initiative with the smaller things. He does take initiative with the big things, but I really get tired of being the only one to plan things. Sometimes it's just nice to be taken care of in that way as well and having to always scout out what's going on, where to get tickets, even just mapquesting the new park or whatever, kind of leaves me feeling like he's not as interested as me, when he usually is.

 

His boss is away so he's working 2 weeks straight, so obviously I understand if he needs to come home and decompress. We're both happy about the fact that it will be extra money though. Now I have two jobs. The paper job only brings in $85 per week, so it's peanuts, but the retail job is a good rate of pay and as long as they like me, I'll have plenty of hours. It won't be so paycheck to paycheck around here, which is a huge relief because he won't be working from mid-December till the beginning of January. Just as well. He hasn't had a vacation since August 2009.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm 5'4 1/2".

 

Relationships are work, they don't just happen. Best lesson I took from my relationship with my ex. You are right though, we get in our own heads and forget to communicate, especially a day to day bases.

[lostnscared]

I have a pretty face, but a double chin, and I HATE my belly. I want to lose 10 pounds a month. I wonder if that's doable. I'm at 140, and I want to be 110. It's not even about numbers though, it's just about feeling comfortable with myself again. I've gained 10 pounds since I started on Celexa about 8 months ago. I never knew it could cause weight gain!

 

It's doable but weight loss that rapid would take a LOT of effort to keep it off and maintain where as slower weight loss is much easier to lose and NOT gain back. I would like to lose 10-15 pounds. I'm a size 10 right now, would like to get back down to a size 6. I've sort of "fell off" off the bandwagon when it comes to dieting this week. It sucks, I used to be so good and dieting and working out, and the older I get the more it requires so MUCH more effort. I plan to start back working out next week, and to go back to counting calories.

[sherryberrypie]

I really love this one particular store because their clothes are sized differently. It's not like trying on a Roxy hoody and being unable to fit into an XL because their XL is actually a MED. I fit into a size 6 pant of this certain style of pants, and the girl was pushing 4's on me (didn't make it past my thighs lol). I wound up getting a pair of size 6 pinstriped work pants and a pair of size 8 black workpants. They're so comfy that I can see them replacing my jeans.

 

Alex said that he didn't notice a 10 lb weight gain, but I feel it in my middle. Everything went to my gut. I haven't taken an antidepressant in about 3 days, and the weight gain is just more incentive to stop altogether (doctor recommended, don't worry-- I've been going off of them very slowly.) Pants just haven't been comfortable for awhile, so I'm glad that I splurged and got these ones. I've been wearing only one of my pairs of jeans because the others just do not fit in the waist. It's awful. My size is the same everywhere else, but the middle.

 

lostnscared. It doesn't have to be that rapid, but I do want to see results, stat! I had my last junk food last night (made me feel sick later anyways) and got up early this morning for a workout. We can do it! I'd love to be a (genuine) size 6, or size 27 ish in jeans, but mostly, I'd just love to not feel so bloated all the time!

[lostnscared]

I know we can do it... I need to try. Last night I just said eff it and made myself strawberry french toast. I also ate a lot of chocolate yesterday. It's so hard to control my cravings--I wish there was a way that I could just eat what I want, work out, and lose weight. I'm going to try just working out hard, and still eating the way I do--the weight will probably come off slower, but at least I want have to sacrifice my sanity. I'm a foodie, so dieting just isn't working.

[sherryberrypie]

I did two workouts this morning, and then went to work where I spent 4 hours helping people pick out clothes. Pretty fun! I'll work either a 4 hour or 8 hour shift tomorrow. Hopefully 8! I didn't have time to eat today until I got home from work (picked up some veggie sushi at the mall)...oops. I'm pretty stoked for the Halloween party tonight.

[OptomisticGirl]

What are you going as?

[sherryberrypie]

I went as the redheaded girl in the picture. I'll post a comparison pic later.link removed

[OptomisticGirl]

I have seen that anime before some where.. I use to be a huge anmie fan when I was younger. Watched Sailor Moon and this other one I can't remember the name of right now....

[sherryberrypie]

This sudden change in my schedule has left me tired! I worked Fri and Sat, worked at the paper all day today, then I work tomorrow and have class on Tues/Weds, and then it's work again on Thurs-Sat. I like the new job though. It's got its fun moments, like when customers come in knowing what they want, or having some idea of what they need. My manager seems to like me, and it's a really easygoing place. It feels nice to be the noob-- not being expected to close up or open the store, train new people, etc... I got a few extra hours yesterday and I got an extra shift for tomorrow, so clearly they think I'm competent Some customers can be a lot of fun/sweet, and others clearly want to be left alone. The cool thing is, we're supposed to leave them alone to shop. So, the ones who just grunt at you and avoid contact can be left to wander the store until they come to you or start sending signals that they need a change-room, etc... most of the time, they just find one on their own, because the doors are always open. Yesterday I was running around doing put-backs, keeping an eye on all the change-rooms, and serving customers. I was so busy and focused that I didn't even notice when the other part timer went home I like this job so much more than the old job I had selling accessories. No untangling things, and it's just clothes and coats, with a few accessories. Everything is properly tagged too, there's no ad-libbing or impromptu sales, which makes life so much easier! Also, there is not cutting/handling of meats/food/garbage. I miss the deli sometimes, but then I remember how awful it could be sometimes. Obviously, I'm not going to make much money at this job ($.75 per hour less, in fact), but combined with my pay from the paper, it won't be too bad. I'm worried about next semester. I want to take 4 courses (or 5, maybe) keep this part time job, and stay on at the paper for the rest of the term because next year, I will be in the running for associate editor-- double the paycheck and not a whole lot more to do than what I do now. I was given an application for King's University in Halifax, NS, and now I'm totally dreaming about being able to one day do the 1 year Journalism BA program. I want to find a way. Journalism school? Yes please! Journalism school on the East Coast? YES PLEASE! Note to self: bring grades and enthusiasm for school up and obtain scholarship...

Going to a burlesque show tonight for Halloween. I was going to go to a metal show at midnight, but I don't know if I'll feel like it by then. I feel tired now lol. Getting older or something... I think I am just going to throw the panda costume on and skip the kung fu costume. Not in the mood to put my contacts back in. I think my prescription changed, because on Friday my eyes never adjusted and the next day, they felt really screwy. Maybe one day I'll get laser surgery!

Sorry about my atrocious blog-writing. All my English skillz go out the window when I'm online.

[sherryberrypie]

My editor left an application form for a post-grad, Journalism BA program at a school on the East Coast, and ever since, I've pretty much booted out the idea of going to school post-grad in my current province. I talked about it a lot with Alex yesterday and he agreed that if I really want to do it, and if I'd be okay with being accross the country for a year, we can save up. It just sounds amazing. I could intern with the National Post or the CBC (or many other choices big and small.) I could REALLY build on my natural skills and learn how to be a really good journalist, get a great job, and achieve my goal. Now that I am focusing on this, I'm thinking, wedding, schmedding. I'd much rather save up the $20+ grand and really get some good training. I know Alex always has my back and we're meant to be together. Who cares if we're not married? I want to make something of myself! It doesn't look like we'll be starting a family before I'm 30 anyways, so what's a few more years? I think the best thing I could do for a future family is really build myself a solid career and fulfill my dreams first. I don't want to be old and looking back on my life with regrets. I want to do all that I can with my life. What does scare me though, is that while I would be perfectly happy with a job in another province, or even travelling the world, that's not what he wants. He wants to stay here, and my chosen profession doesn't really jive with that. Plus, his career is here, and he'd be nuts to give it up and start a new job somewhere else. It's a great job.

[sherryberrypie]

Last night I started thinking about my grandma. I'm not sure why she popped into my head right as I was drifting off to sleep, I guess just because I miss her. I told Alex how I remembered seeing my nana (great grandma) when I was a child, after she had passed away, and was kind of sad that I never see my grandma, and I never really feel her presence or see any signs from her. My grandma sometimes talked about seeing her sister and her mother as angels (they died during WW2) so I kind of always thought that I'd have the same experience. What Alex said next touched my heart. He said that our house was the sign. It came along at the perfect time, dropped to the right price the day we viewed it for the first time, and it's more than we thought our first home would ever be. She left me a nice sized inheritance which we were able to use for a down-payment. That was always her dream for us-- that we would have our own home. Now that I think about it, this house really was a big neon sign.