Sherry

[sherryberrypie]

I wrote a reply, and ENA ate it.

 

I've gone dark like this before, but it was easier because I had long hair. With my bob hairstyle, it's there ALL the time. I can't just tie it up. I'm getting red streaks put in tomorrow, which is something I've always wanted to do, so I'm excited. I just feel like with this mis-step, I'm appearing as dark on the outside as I've been feeling on the inside, and I don't like that at all. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I know what I meant.

 

We decided early on that neither of us liked that option. It's a very bad option for me, because I would literally drive myself insane having years to plan a wedding. I'm a planner and it would take way too much energy and focus away from school. Sorry to kvetch about the same subject over and over again, this is what happens with depression. You get stuck in a cycle. I want my pills back so bad right now. I've been feeling like crap for weeks and if Christmas holidays don't help, I'm going to my doctor. I have no brains in my head, energy, or happiness right now, and I just want to feel better.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, ENA likes to eat the replies I type from my phone.

 

I know how you feel. I usually like blonde highlights (im naturally a light brown) to lighten me up but I have come to love the dakr brown hair Herbal Essence gives me, hahaha. I need to do mine soon again as well. Do you do yours yourself Sherry or someone do it for you, like a friend?

 

It does take a lot to plan a wedding but with years to plan it you could def. space things out. I'm a control freak and it was killing me not being able to do anything productive. Now we are almost 3 months away (and even with a simple wedding) I'm like yikes!!! I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well Sherry. It's completely normal when you are depressed to resort to cycles. Have you talked with Alex about it?

[sherryberrypie]

Yeah I always dye my own hair. I had it done in a salon once before and it was a disaster, so I said why pay that much again when I always get nice results from boxed dye. Well, this time I didn't, and I think part of it is because I used a different brand (Have always used Preference)

 

A hairstylist friend is going to do the streaks for me in the salon she works at.

 

I talked to him about it today. He asked why I sounded so down and I explained that it's been really hard being off the meds, and he held me and tried to make me feel better.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yeah, I just can't see spending that much when I can pay $7 to do it myself. I have always gotten my best friend to do it. Last time my mom did it and she was so freaked out she would ruin it. I ended up getting it a shade lighter than I wanted (I wnated all blonde highlights out) and it just kind of dulled them. Next paycheck I think I'm going to redo it. Even if it looks black for a few days. Hahaha

 

Awww. What happened with your meds?

[sherryberrypie]

I was terrified to use dye in the new bathroom LOL.

 

Doctor wanted me to go off them because I had been on them for over 6 months and was doing great. I moved down to half a pill each day, then a pill or half a pill every other day, and I finally just dumped the rest (about 10) and said screw it. I so miss that even-keeled feeling.

[OptomisticGirl]

lol. I always get it somewhere it shouldn't be.

 

Maybe you should go back on them then, even if it's moderate?

[sherryberrypie]

it surprises me, because it was such a low dose anyways. I am going to wait and see what happens over winter break, and just take some St. John's Wort for now. My doc says that you can't take anti-depressants all your life, and I can see why!

 

Gah, my friend just sent me a link to a news story about how a guy from my city was killed in this freak gas explosion while staying in Mexico (he just got married there) and how 4 other canadians were killed, plus 2 Mexican workers. So sad! This guy was a realtor and I met him this summer while working at the news. He was really nice! I feel so bad for his wife.

[OptomisticGirl]

That's sad. I read a story on my BBC news app about a British couple who were in South Africa, the cab was hijacked and the man was allowed to leave. They found his wife dead in the car. They ahd been married 2 weeks.

[sherryberrypie]

Not fair, not fair.

 

Alex and I had a talk about marriage last night, and he coaxed out of me how stupid I feel for getting so upset about the issue, how frustrated I am that we have to wait, how hurt I feel that he isn't one of those guys who take the bull by the horns, so to speak. He said that he simply isn't the type to jump into things (which I know, but conveniently forget) and that he wants to get married in the next 1-2 years, and we BOTH need to make it happen. So, I decided that I am going to start really consciously saving for a wedding. Not starting today of course, cuz I just blew $100 on my hair haha. But, I really do need to get serious about it, rather than passively waiting for the ring and THEN saving. It's not like we've ever been traditional anyways.

 

My hair looks awesome. My head hurts so much. It's only partially related I'm sure

[OptomisticGirl]

The ptice we pay for beauty, lol

 

You guys could still so be engaged while you save! 1 to 2 years isn't a long time to be engaged.

[sherryberrypie]

Money's not great right now. I've been dumb about spending and I forgot that he's not going to be working in the latter half of Dec. Somehow we have to come up with my tuition money. I think I need to call my Dad for the education $$ he's got set aside. Either that, or apply for a student loan.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would def. go your dad route. I did the sudent loan thing and I will be paying that sucker back for the next 10 years...

[sherryberrypie]

Oh yeah, I hear ya. Combined, we have about $30K plus in student loans

[OptomisticGirl]

Oh yeah, I hear ya. Combined, we have about $30K plus in student loans

 

0.o Geez. Mine is a measly 8K.. I'm glad I stopped when I did.

[sherryberrypie]

I'm glad we've stopped. I hope I hope I won't need them again!

 

I'm trying to figure out how to make my existing tops work at my retail job...we're supposed to wear their clothes. I'm thinking maybe I can just layer my existing tops underneath a shawl top I bought from there recently.

 

I think I accidentally donated a BRAND NEW pair of pants (yes, that I had bought for work) I'm choked. Can't find them anywhere. I'm glad I got 2 pair, but these ones were pinstriped and I liked them best. I also lost a pair of headphones. Gahhh. At least the house is better organized, because I spent a good couple of hours tonight finding new homes for things and downsizing. We've lived here 3 months now, and it was starting to feel chaotic and cramped, a sure sign that things weren't in the right places. It feels better now!

[sherryberrypie]

Sometimes I really miss the old apartment and the neighbourhood. Our house is beautiful, but I feel like our relationship (or I) have been changing so much that things just aren't as harmonious as they used to be. As a result, we really haven't gotten to create many good memories in this house yet. I wish that he was all gung ho about our first christmas here, chopping down a tree and decorating/putting lights up outside. I wish I could just go back and feel that amazing new relationship glow again. I miss that. I miss when he jumped out of the car on the highway to pick lavender, just because a few days before, I said how much I liked lavender. The first summer we were together, we spent this evening making love and baking cherry crisp. He and I picked the cherries off the tree, and while I was on the phone with my sister (positively gushing about him) he went and picked up the ice cream. After that, we sat outside in front of the fire and just enjoyed each other's company. I miss the feeling of missing him so much it hurt, when he was only gone for a couple of weeks a couple of years back. We were miserable without each other, and I can't help but wonder if that would still be the case. I just want to get over this rough patch and go back to being us, the couple all of our friends model themselves after. This is a long rough patch though, and I'm starting to worry that perhaps I'm changing too much for us to go back to how we were.

[sherryberrypie]

I stopped in at the daily paper here in town to get permission for references (for the internship app) and I felt unadulterated happiness to be greeted so warmly and enthusiastically. Though the managing editor couldn't give a poo about me (we didn't work together, I worked with the news editors) the others were happy to see me and were really chatty. I got big smiles and hellos, and it felt so good. It made me realize that I really could be perfectly happy staying in town here, working at a smaller paper. One of the reporters was was very helpful with the DSLR's and general tech q's and constantly let me borrow her data cable jumper thing. Another reporter had me accompany her to scarier events a lot (drug busts, big trials, shootings, etc...) Everyone was just so amazing and welcoming, and today just reinforced how awesome my summer there was. The managing editor declined to be a reference for me, but the other editors were more than happy to.) One of the reporters was asking the typical "hi, how are you's" and when I asked her in response, she swivelled her chair to show me her baby belly! Turns out the brat was preggers all summer (I had a feeling) I'm so happy for her. She's a sweetheart and she's going to be an amazing momma. We talked about kids a lot with the other news editor (she has two young boys). I just felt nothing but happy for her, and excited for her. I miss that place so much, and I told them so. I was happy to see my desk where I lived all summer lol. What REALLY did it for me, was just the feeling of being able to fit back in there after not being anywhere near the building since August. It made me realize that I need to stop stressing about possibly only being able to get a job in another city, how Alex won't/can't move, etc... I've got to enjoy the now and hope that I am lucky enough to land a position on a small paper, where I can really integrate myself into the community. That was my favourite thing about this past internship. I was right in there, on my own, smack dab in the middle of my home-city, the politics, the...news!

[sherryberrypie]

I had a good day. A busy day, but a good day. I just got in from delivering some papers downtown, saying hello to everyone I see, listening to sappy songs on the radio and thinking how I can't wait to get home, get a hug, and talk to Alex. I get home and chatter away as he's sitting upstairs on his computer. I'm quickly making dinner then going to my fitness class and then I'll spend tonight writing, and I told him as much. I went upstairs to hang out with him, and said we should spend time together now, because this is all the time I have right now. His response was something about how things can't just be on my time and a couple of days ago, he wanted to spend time with me right then and I was having "me" time. Well hell, I don't even remember a couple of days ago! Maybe I did, but is that really productive? I came home, talking about how great everything was today, and he immediately managed to make me feel sad and turn things around on me. I can't win. He complains constantly that I don't spend enough time with him, and then when I want to, he can't stop whatever he's doing. I'm SO frustrated!!! Within 10 minutes of getting home, I feel ready to cry. What the hell is happening to my relationship?!

[OptomisticGirl]

Why is he all about 'us' time? Has he always been like this?

[sherryberrypie]

We've just been living kind of separate lives, and he's not liking it one bit. I'm not either, but my days don't really ever...end. Not until I go to bed. He mostly works 9-5 and has a straight schedule. Last night actually ended up being really nice and we got really close again. Lots of talking and snuggling. We drove to my gym together and he grocery-shopped while I did my fitness class. Then, he made a stew and I did the dishes, and we snuggled in to watch Supernatural. It was a total domestic bliss kind of night. We both have Sunday off (a day off, yay!!) so we've got plans for that day, and I'm just counting down the days until December, when classes will be finished and the paper will be finished for a month.

[OptomisticGirl]

I can understand that. CS and I constantly have to do the whole working around each others work schedules (plus a five hour time difference) and it's not always easy. Some days it just doesn't mesh. We always, ever day talk via email but somedays we don't get to talk on the phone and we really only get to do video chat maybe two or three times a week. It's hard having two full lives and working around them to have 'us' time.

[sherryberrypie]

It definitely can be! I guess before, we were just working jobs that we didn't care about. Now we both have people kind of depending on us (him more so) and there is a feeling of pressure. One way I know I'm still in love: it makes me ridiculously happy when he sometimes goes on facebook to chat with me in the mornings if he's at the office.

[OptomisticGirl]

Yep, when you get busy, you have to find the small things to keep you going. CS and I use to only be able to talk on the weekends, and nowadays we can usually talk on my 30 min lunch break or on my way to work if he wants to catch an early night, and now we can even video chat for an hour before I go to work after he gets home if we want. Relationships change and evolve, and sometimes it's hard to accept that when you have been use to one thing for so long. I had difficulty (and still do) in adjusting to one major change that accord between us, but I'm slowly getting there. I still feel resentment at times but I have to remind myself how I feel about this particular situation, is over bearing.

[sherryberrypie]

I broke down today and bought a new top and belt from/for work. I was as frugal as possible. I needed a new toque and found one at the dollar store of all places, that I love. It really was a dollar and it's super-soft, stripy wool. I ate out today because I was starving, but spent a whopping $1.89 I had an apple for lunch (no break) and was dying for a bite to eat by the time I got off work. All in all, I spent about $35 today, plus $20 for gas.

 

I figure if I get one new top every payday or every other payday, eventually I'll have a decent selection for work. Depending on what I get, that's $10-$20 each paycheque. Now I have 3 tops, a shrug, and a belt. It's a cool, wide, waist cinching belt that really does my midsection justice. I noticed that it also helps with aching abs. Pinstriped workpants are gone forever I guess. I'm sad. They were awesome.

 

It's snowing tonight. I love seeing our yard all snowy I took a couple of breaks from writing to watch the snow fall with Moe, who keeps going outside and coming back howling 5 mins later. He has us so whipped. Java has taken up residence on my big maroon fleece blanket and looks like she's a very happy girl.

 

I'm pretty excited for the fitness class tomorrow. They're fun. I hurt for two days after, but they're fun! The one I did on Weds had my butt kicked the whole next day. I didn't feel like we were really working the abs, but they are still sore today even. Tomorrow is abs, as I requested from the trainer... oops. At least there won't be a million squats, hopefully! Wednesday's class was squats squats squats, and then my at-home workout the next morning was, you guessed it, squats!

[sherryberrypie]

Sometimes being an adult is over-rated! I got up early to do a workout, even though the bed was sooo warm and comfy! I had to scrape off my car, douse the driver's side with warm water just so I could get in, and then deal with cranky customers all day. I got 2 extra hours on my shift today, so that was cool, but I really didn't want to be there for whatever reason. Towards the end of my shift, we discovered that we had been shoplifted big-time, and it was my fault. I feel bad. I've gotta be more alert even when I have a bunch of things going on.

 

I talked to Alex's mom last night and asked her what she wanted for christmas, and she said gold hoop earrings. I thought, "okay, that' s my area of expertise!" After work today I went on a mission to find some nice earrings for her. I think it was especially important to get her something nice after what happened this summer... I appreciated the fact that she actually said what she wanted, rather than leaving me to guess. Anyways, after checking out all of the stores, I found a pair that I'm pretty sure she is going to like! I hope I hope I hope. Alex balked at the price, but he balks at any price lol.

 

Once I finally finished the jewelry hunt, I left the mall to find that my poor car was frozen solid. I trudged back into the mall to get a cup of hot water, but even that didn't work. I was getting pretty cranky, so I called Alex and he suggested trying the hatch (hatchback model) I must have looked hilarious, snow covered and crawling through the hatch, crawling back out with the scraper, cleaning off the car, and finally struggling into the driver's seat. About 5 minutes from home, the lock finally de-thawed. Lock de-icer is definitely on my shopping list! Snow is pretty and all, but I get cold really easily these days and driving takes forever I've locked myself in the bedroom with wool socks, a toque, sweatsuit and the heater going. MUST WARM UP! I'm going to be in here all night, eating apple pie and editing. Mmmm pie