I broke up with her. I'm concerned for her.

[ny guy]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I've been looking at this forum recently, just to understand the pain that my ex is going through. We've broken up recently, I broke up with her.

 

 

I don't know what the point of this thread is really, not really venting.

 

At this point, I'm kind of concerned for her. Here is what has happened. Around 6 months ago, I had broken up with her, but right away I went back to her. The reason I had broken up with her was because I just had these lingering bad feelings at that moment, and period preceding it. My feelings about my relationship with her were cyclical in a way. I'd have periods of time where I could really see us going the distance, and my feelings were strong for her. During other periods, I felt like I was not sure about everything between us, and that led to me feeling a depressed like feeling. Sometimes I'd attribute it to different things, my job, my living situation at home, whatever.

 

Right after I had broken up with her, I felt like I had made the wrong decision. We spoke, semi-reconciled, and said that we would give it another go.

 

We had a truly amazing summer. We did a lot of fun things over the summer and spent a lot of time together. Also, August came, and in the past, around the end of the summer is when the 'cyclical' part of our relationship comes in. Around the end of summer is when I'd go off the deep end as she would say. I don't know what it is, but around this time is when i'd have doubts about our relationship.

 

During the day before we broke up, she was upset about an argument we had had. I won't get into all of that, but the meat of that was I felt like she didn't want to be a part of her family, while I was very much a part of her family. So, that nightbefore it happened, we made amazing love. For whatever reason, she thought I was not happy at the moment. Then, the question came up, which she pressed. She said that she is so in love with me, and that I was the one for her. Then she asked me, are you in love with me?

 

I couldn't return an answer. Thing is, I love her, but as far as being in love, I couldn't with a good feeling say that I am 'in love' with her.

 

 

All of the time preceding this night, the whole summer, the two years before that, I wanted to give her everything I had. I feel I did. She was worth the effort, as she is an amazing, kind, caring, wonderful person. She is probably the nicest person I've ever met, but then again, she is the first real deal relationship I've ever had.

 

At that moment, she was heartbroken. We spoke until about early morning, then I had to leave. The feeling at that moment was almost like, what do we do now?

 

The next day, we let the day pass, as I was busy during the day. Then we spoke on the phone, and she asked what do we do now. Then she asked me, do you think we should break up? In so many words I said yes. She was heartbroken again. I couldn't hang up the phone on her, just hearing her cry was terrible. Inside, I feel this is the right thing to do though. I was upset, but most of my body is telling me that this is the right thing to do, for her sake and my sake.

 

So, a week passes, and we don't speak. She texts me every so often, like I can't imagine not talking to you. I respond sometimes, but I just feel that any sort of speaking is prolonging the pain for her. She says she wants to meet in order for there to be more closure for her.

 

 

Last night, she was texting me a lot. I understand, it's saturday night, was usually our night to hang out. Her texts sounded like she was in a lot of pain. I hate that this has to hurt her so bad, I just want her to feel better. Then, I saw I had a missed call.

 

I probably did the wrong thing, I called her back. Why? I don't know. I just felt like not calling back would be cold and mean. I've never heard such crying and pain. She was hysterical. I can't get the sounds of her crying out of my head, I just wish I could fast forward the time for her. I know that in time, she will get over this, but I can't imagine the dark place she must be in. I don't know what good could have come of us speaking on the phone though. All I know is that I just want her to get past this.

 

I wish there was something I could say or do to just make her feel better. I know that we're each responsible ourselves, but I'm truly concerned for her. I also know that this is something that only time can heal.

[ny guy]

Edit: "but the meat of that was I felt like she didn't want to be a part of MY family, while I was very much a part of her family."

[anu1560]

Don't show concern to her if you don't want to get back with her. It is good that you feel that way. But if you act on it to make her feel good, you are going to give her false hopes. Which you shouldn't do unless you want to actually give her hope that you want to work on things. She will heal by herself in time if you give her the space.

[ny guy]

You know, you are totally right. It's just so hard to be that cold. I don't feel like what I say respond with gives any false hope though. But, I guess in moments like this, you hang on every single word said/written. I totally see that.

[anu1560]

Well don't you think it is already cold that the relationship has to be broken? My ex bf wrote me an email after 4 months saying I need to be discreet about my online profiles. Did he by any chance meant anything else other than saying 'I am concerned about you'. No. He didn't mean anything other than that. How I interpreted this even after 4 months of telling myself again and again that he doesn't want me, 'He may want to work on this or else he wouldn't email me'.

 

Now you got the point. Your any sympathetic response is going to make her HOPEFUL and keep her in DENIAL. Which I would think is cruel from your part to do if you do not want her back.

[ny guy]

Ok, so you're ex wrote you a message.

 

What if she is trying to contact me? Flat out ignore?

 

 

I know the only way she can truly get through this is by no contact at all, but ah, I just wish there was a quicker way.

 

 

Is it detrimental to her for me to be so concerned?

[Ms Darcy]

My advice is to tell her that the best thing for you both is to get some space, heal, and stop talking to each other for a while. You need to gently but firmly set the boundary that you are not going to be talking to her for a while.

[catfeeder]

My advice is to tell her that the best thing for you both is to get some space, heal, and stop talking to each other for a while. You need to gently but firmly set the boundary that you are not going to be talking to her for a while.

 

I agree with this. You're not doing either of you any favors by the contact. Sure she may be hurting, but when you lend an ear to it, don't be surprised when it turns ultra-dramatic for your benefit. It would have spared her a degree of agony to not have you for an audience.

 

I realize that sounds cold, but it isn't--it's practical. You want her to heal faster, but that's her job, so don't meddle and prolong the difficulty. Everybody needs to play the bad guy at some point to end a relationship, and there's zero benefit to stirring the pot after you make a clean break. She will heal, and that's up to her. You'll heal too, so move your focus away from her and do that.

 

Head high.

[ny guy]

This sux...it's really starting to sink in.....so many things remind me of her. I just have this empty feeling.

 

I know it can't work now or possibly in the future, just feels so weird.

 

 

I don't even want to think about dating.

[Ms Darcy]

Why are you so sure it will not work? Just curious.

[abitbroken]

It is a lot to ask someone who you have dumped and reconciled with to act like more a part of your family. They may be hesitant to form bonds with people until a time comes when the relationship is official. I love my boyfriend very much but also keep my distance on some things and purposely don't try to insert myself on certain family issues and outings because I am the girlfriend, not the wife. I come to family functions, but I don't treat the nephews like I am their aunt, nor do I allow the treatment from them.

 

Also, I guess it doesn't matter but I am confused on why you thought the relationship wouldn't work besides "a feeling in my body". Everyone is going to have cold feet, doubts, bad days, but ultimately one decides to make a relationship work or not. It is not about a tingling in my stomach or finger. If she was the most wonderful, caring person, of course she is going to be devastated when she gets past what you broke up with her for (the argument that she is not a part of your family- which she isn't) gets back together with you and now you don't love her.

 

Anyway, sorry to vent, but I think it is a case where you have to take responsibility and ownership. She hurts, but you don't have the right to really find out if she is doing okay or not. I agree with the other posters - that the only way to heal is for you not to meddle. My ex sent me a letter and told me "read this without anyone else around who is going to influence you how you interpret this letter. Read this in a quiet place." I felt that he was only wanting me to heal in the manner he wanted me to. (with no one in my family telling me he was a drip).

 

Anyway, I wish you the best. Its natural to be concerned for her, but do not try and make matters worse by contacting her if you do not want her anymore.

[anu1560]

Yes. My ex wrote me a very sweet concerned message. It made me all confused. The work I had done on myself for 4 months was just gone in 1 concerned email. For two days I started again believing that he wants to work on us. I was telling myself a lie. I am trying to snap out of it now.

 

Yes, ignore her if she is trying to contact you. Thats the only way she and you can heal. There is no quicker way of heart break. It will take its own time.

 

It is not detrimental to her if you are concerned. It is detrimental to her if you show her the concern but you don't want her back.

[ny guy]

I haven't contacted her at all, it's only been her contacting me. I absolutely know I shouldn't contact her. I guess I erred by calling her back.

 

 

As for why, it was a combination of the family thing (smaller reason, recent arguments, etc) and (bigger reason) the fact that I would have bouts of being sure and other times of not being sure. During the times where I was not sure, it would really bring me down. Not depression, but something that would feel similar. At the bad times, I'd be driving to work and I would want to or sometimes cry/tear up driving to work.

 

This was a major decision, I know. And I know exactly what I need to do for both of our sake. I know when I do decide to take the plunge, I won't be 100% sure it will work out. I just want to be as close to 100% sure that I WANT to make it work out. For something that is built on love, the love you have for the other person shouldn't be a question. In this past relationship, it was obviously a question for me.

 

Thanks for the good wishes.

[ny guy]

Yes. My ex wrote me a very sweet concerned message. It made me all confused. The work I had done on myself for 4 months was just gone in 1 concerned email. For two days I started again believing that he wants to work on us. I was telling myself a lie. I am trying to snap out of it now.

 

Yes, ignore her if she is trying to contact you. Thats the only way she and you can heal. There is no quicker way of heart break. It will take its own time.

 

It is not detrimental to her if you are concerned. It is detrimental to her if you show her the concern but you don't want her back.

 

I'm sorry for how you feel. I hope you get through it soon.

[ny guy]

My advice is to tell her that the best thing for you both is to get some space, heal, and stop talking to each other for a while. You need to gently but firmly set the boundary that you are not going to be talking to her for a while.

 

Can't stop thinking about this. I have texted to her last week that I we would talk, but should let time pass. She did say last week she just wants peace and to have closure with a good feeling. She felt like I hate her, and she doesn't know why. I totally don't.

 

Should I make the move so I can speak to her, give her closure? I do feel like she wants more of an explanation, maybe she wants it to be more of an amicable break.

[bebs87]

My boyfriend broke up with me last Thursday, not a bad break up, he said he doesnt feel the same way that he feels before and fell out of love... im kind of in the other side of your situation..

 

He has been so concerned since the break up, I would call him cry, or simply talk, i'd text or so... he checks on me, texting me or calling me. He said he was to help me cope up and wants to make sure I'm okay and won't leave me in this situation of being broken hearted. But with what he is doing, it makes me want "more" i just dont want the concern, he would say something nice to make me feel better but I would take it as a possibility he's in love again or wants me back.

 

Not knowing why someone fell out of love is devastating, it makes me ask "why" "why" "why", i swim in question marks and hope for an explanation...

 

In your latest post you said something about giving her a closure...

 

In my case, it also ended in the phone.

 

Today, when we were texting, I said I want to see him; reason? Just to hug him goodbye, thank him for the wonderful times we had and have a formal and good closure because it wasn't really a bad break up that something wrong happened... I want to ask him for the kind of closure and end that I will not look back as an unfinished business for me, I want to remember that my amazing relationship with him ended not with hate or guilt.

 

Maybe she wants a closure from you, I don't know... Part me me is still having hopes and part is living in a bubble of lie; like living in the past... having a closure for me might help me grasp reality and accept the situation. The break up through the phone is not enough for me, I deserve better... a real closure I guess.

[ny guy]

I hear you. I just feel like I owe her that at the very least, being stand-up about it. Thanks for your post. I feel like we can help each other out, since we are on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Feel free to PM me.

 

I know that there could be no 'good' feeling from the closure, but to end it on terms that are more palatable for her. The thing is, I don't even have anyone I'm interested in at the moment. The break-up seemed spur of the moment, but obviously was months in the making. One thing I'm afraid of is messing up my head as well, by giving that last hug.

 

 

One thing I was usually bad at during the relationship was being re-assuring for her at the times that I was feeling down. Anyone in a relationship deserves to have that other person be just as re-assuring as they are. I felt I could not provide that reassurance for her. If I can't say simply that I am in love with you, there is obviously something wrong. She (and you) definitely deserves someone who can provide unbridled re-assurance and unconditional love.

 

 

I'm sorry to ask this. I know that the reasoning for our breakup is painfully obvious to her (as it is to you). Does it really matter why I (or your SO) fell out of love though? I feel like giving a particular reason, something concrete, almost breeds an unhealthy hope in and of itself. And, I can't even really think of anything super concrete.

 

 

At this point, I'm actually kind of scared. Scared that I made the wrong decision. I know I need to stick to it, because at this point, I have to be a man and live with the consequences of the decision I made. I also have to let the emotions within me come down to a point where I can actually reassess the past two and a half years with clarity.

[LDRohnos]

It's extremely rare (unless it was a moral infraction such as cheating/lying/etc) that you receive full closure on any kind of a breakup.

 

The only thing you can do if you truly care about the person you're breaking up with is to give them as good of a reason as you can. It's usually never one thing that causes it but a plethora of little things that just make them want to give up. Sometimes it has to do with the relationship, sometimes it simply is in their own mind-state.

[bebs87]

One thing I'm afraid of is messing up my head as well, by giving that last hug.

 

When I told my ex-bf I want to see him (so I could give him a hug and thank him for the memories), he said we would see each other soon... not this time. He said he's afraid to look into my eyes. He is probably in the same boat as you, he's afraid to see me, look straight into my eyes and he will get all confused... then might end up changing his mind.

 

I'm sorry to ask this. I know that the reasoning for our breakup is painfully obvious to her (as it is to you). Does it really matter why I (or your SO) fell out of love though? I feel like giving a particular reason, something concrete, almost breeds an unhealthy hope in and of itself. And, I can't even really think of anything super concrete.

 

For me, yes, I does matter. I want to know what went wrong, i kept on thinking "did i do or say something?", "is there someone else?", and the never ending "why, why, why". I think t is easier to move on knowing what happened then completely not knowing why. I was also asking myself and some people, if it was possible for someone to fell out of love for no reason... there must be something.

 

 

At this point, I'm actually kind of scared. Scared that I made the wrong decision. I know I need to stick to it, because at this point, I have to be a man and live with the consequences of the decision I made. I also have to let the emotions within me come down to a point where I can actually reassess the past two and a half years with clarity.

 

I got some texts from him saying: One day, maybe 5-6 years from now, he might regret what he has done. Even said that life is unpredictable and who knows after a month or a year he might realize that he wants me back... When he said it, it made me confused, should i have hopes? wait? I was thinking, he let go of me, but he's afraid of what the future might bring... but again, life is unpredictable... though we are our own pilot, own captain and own driver, we choose where to go, where to land and where to stay. If time comes you change your mind, set your direction to where she is... try to win her back, but if you fail, at least you tried and you won't end up in "What ifs..."

[issac18]

You're like my ex bf. He answered my calls though he never initiated any contact. Now I see why he did that. He didn't want to feel guilty or wanted to make me feel better,or like he said he just likes to talk with me! He even said he might regret his decision for the rest of his life when he broke up with me. When we talked the last time,I told him I shouldn't call him and he shouldn't answer me. He said he wouldn't because he likes to talk with me.

Thankfully after that he started to avoid my calls saying he's busy. I felt devastated again,felt like I just got dumped. But obviously it's helping me move on.

 

When I called him(I didn't call him very often,like only once per weeks),I thought I was moving on but needed to contact him for my own sanity. I thought I could be friends with him,but hearing sweet words from him,its just gave me false hope. I feel sad and want to ask why he's avoiding me,it feels like I haven't got any closure while it's actually done 4 months ago for him. I hope him to tell me he's confused,he needs time to cool his mind down,or at least he doesn't want to speak with me. So give her the closure,it seems cruel at first,but it would help her. It really sucks that you don't know what you want exactly especially about relationship. But though you're not sure if you made the right decision it means you're not sure about the relationship at the same time right? You made the right decision for now. You'll get to know what you want and what you need as time goes by. Hope this helps you. (English is my second language)

[ny guy]

Your message really helped a lot, as did the previous.

 

Quote"It really sucks that you don't know what you want exactly especially about relationship. But though you're not sure if you made the right decision it means you're not sure about the relationship at the same time right?"

 

The reality is still setting in. I am starting to have those thoughts, the second thoughts like, will I find someone able to accept me and my flaws. I feel like if we were to end up together (not saying that is why I'm doing this at all), this breakup is necessary for me at the very least. I won't even say anything like that though, if I do see her. I want both of us to move on. I want to see what I truly want in a relationship. I may regret this decision down the line, I know,

 

Before this happened, and even now, I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a relationship, and from that other person. I just want someone who will accept me for who I am. first of all. I know i'm as imperfect as they come, and I really have a lot of flaws myself, but I know on the whole, I'm a good person.

 

I also want to be accepting of that other person, love them for who they are and where they come from, and not always be questioning it myself about the relationship. I also want to have a relationship where I want to provide that reassurance to them, and can do so with energy and passion and no reserve. I know it won't always be the case, but, I found that it was tough for me to provide that here much of the time. That's not to say it was not a loving relationship, it very much was. The love you have for the other person shouldn't be such a sticking point for me in a relationsip, that is how I feel.

 

This girl (and you and any girl) deserves that at the very least.

 

 

I've learned so much about myself in our time together. And for that time together, I have absolutely no regrets, I was so so glad that I got to know such a wonderful person. I have no dislike towards her at all, I think that is what makes this hard, such a tough pill to swallow.

 

As far as closure for her, I know it has the potential to be more painful. I'm sure she's got an idea of the why's, as these questions have come up before. She wants closure with a good feeling. I'm sure this is an impossibility, but, if providing some reassurance further explanations helps give that closure, maybe that will help her heal in the long run. It's also only been 1 week or so since, I feel like getting this done towards the beginning of the healing process is better than taking a longer time, then, reopening the wounds say a month or two down the line.

 

At this point, her messages are a great deal colder and reserved. I'm probably going to talk to her soon, when I return some stuff she wants back. Part of me is afraid to give a hug or anything, I don't want to get her or my emotions going. Ahhhhhh....

[ny guy]

Ok, so I dropped her items off yesterday. She was not home at the time, BUT, as I was driving onto a main road, I saw her coming back and she saw me driving away.

 

 

I just kept driving, because if I turned around, I don't see anything good coming from that conversation. She said thanks etc via text, and said more of a good bye text afterwards. She said she saw me and knows I saw her, also that she hates this has to happen, but it is what it is. Also, she said she never dis-liked me and never will, and wishes the very best for me, that we both need to move on so one day we both can find peace with everything.

 

I wrote a good bye text back saying basically the same things, and that I didn't see how turning around could do any good. I know it must be very difficult for her, and I hate knowing she could be suffering a lot. I guess this is good bye for a long time. I really hope I don't lose touch, she was such a big part of my life.

 

I had thoughts like, will anyone else be able to tolerate me and my quirks?

 

I guess this is as amicable this type of breakup can be. At this point, I'm just sorry it had to hurt so much for her. She is an amazing person that I will miss being around and talking to. Who knows, maybe I made a mistake. I'm going to do my best to learn from my experiences with her, and my future experiences without her. Looking back, there were so many great times we've had. I remember the two nights after the BU happened, before I fell asleep I could recount with such detail many memorable experiences I had with her.

 

I do wish the best for her, hope she feels better sooner rather than later. I will make sure not to contact her and give us both the chance to move on as quickly and with the least pain possible.

[FrenchFries]

Sounds like she is handling it as well as can be expected. She will be okay.

[ny guy]

She texted me recently. Ahhh....I know I shouldn't respond....She just asked how I'm doing, and just wanted to say hi...

 

 

 

I don't know if it's too soon, or if this is bad, but I'm kinda looking forward to dating around. I don't even think I want anything sexual. I'm pretty sure I don't want another relationship for awhile.

 

This feeling could be the flavor of the week, we'll see what happens.

[charaze]

Well, I can't blame her for not really letting you in her family that deep because she cares what her parents would say about you when you finally break things off with her. She really loves you and you're sort of in between.

 

Don't lead her any further because it hurts, trust me. Don't add insult to injury, is what I'm saying.