Should I help my cheating wife out financially?

[f1r3f1y3]

I have a financial question:

 

So my wife cheated on me over a few months and when I found out I made her move out to her own place.

 

She has 2 small jobs that don't pay much and is looking for a fulltime job now. She will also qualify for state benefits but they have no come through yet. 1 of her employers has also failed to pay her this week.

 

So she has asked if I can pay her rent due Monday. My lawyer says I shouldn't pay her anything else as we must show when we divorce that she has been supporting herself. So financially this hurts me in more ways than 1.

 

1 minute she is attacking me with ridiculous accusations and the next she is asking for money (literally moments between).

 

I also don't have a lot of money due to lawyers bills, but I am a high earner and can afford to dip into overdrafts.

 

In the divorce she will get thousands from me but that is months off.

 

Options I can see are:

 

1) Give her a lump of the money she will get in the divorce anyway

2) Don't give her anything at all, tell her to p**s off!

3) Give her this months rent and ask for it to be paid back, or not paid back

 

Her life has completely fallen apart since the separation so the decision is between

 

feeling sorry for her, being the bigger person, smoothing our relations

 

and

 

giving her nothing because she cheated with at least 2 men over the past 6 months, STILL lies about it and hasn't changed her attitude towards me at all

 

tricky... advice??

[Ms Darcy]

Unless you are an idiot, do not give her any money until the divorce settlement. Believe me, she'll take you to the cleaners at that time anyway.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but she'll be fine once the divorce happens.

[annie24]

I would do as your lawyer advises.

[AndiD]

Unless you have kids that are living with her, I wouldn't give her a dime.

[avman]

Don't do it. If you do, you set a precedent that she can then use in court to nail you for that support indefinately.

 

"Well your honor, Mr. so and so has been paying his wife's rent and she's come to depend on that. We need an order of support to pay her rent for the next 5 years until she can hopefully get on her feet"

 

She chose to cheat and thus break up the relationship. Let her suffer the consequences. It's not your problem her employer failed to pay her.

[avman]

Unless you have kids that are living with her, I wouldn't give her a dime.

 

Good point. I assumed no children. If there are children involved then I would advise differently.

[jaywalk]

NO!!!!! not a dime and for that matter ...if you separated right after discovering the affair, its likely to be seen as a lack of reconciliation and thereby grounds for divorce by way of adultery which (depending on state) awards her nothing in the way of alimony.

 

As far as being the bigger person, thats one only you can decide. If it were me and I was looking at a lump sum in the divorce anyway, I would either tell her to figure herself out till then OR find a settlement NOW that gets what she needs and drastically lowers what she would receive in the settlement

[annie24]

ok, i see from a previous post that you have a son. i am not sure then, it's more complicated. what does the lawyer say about that??

[Ms Darcy]

If she can't afford to take care of the child, the child should be living with you. I don't see why she has to have primary custody.

[iBroken]

Hell NO!

 

Let her fall on her face - then go for full custody citing she is incapable of providing needs for your son.

[f1r3f1y3]

Ok thanks for the wakeup call!

 

Child lives with me during the week and with her at weekends. I give her money to support him which is separate from what i am talking about here.

 

Thanks for the replies! Loud and clear

[f1r3f1y3]

Oh also, my lawyer says money is rarely a deciding factor in a custody case.

 

If one parent earns more, they will adjust the child maintenance appropriately.

 

So I don't think the amount of money she has will affect the custody. It may have indirect impact to her case though.

 

Thanks!

[Jd1983]

In that case, let her figure out what to do about the rent $. It's not your responsibility to help her out, especially after what she did to you.

[sidehop]

You're doing your part as a parent to raise your son...she needs to do hers and support herself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

2 men over the last 6 months...and she is hostile to you and doesn't acknowledge wrong-doing. Clearly she is messed up and if you give her rent money now she will continue to take advantage. Don't give her a dime...her selfishness and lack of concern for you means that you don't have to concern yourself with her hardships.

[lostandhurt]

Maybe she can ask her boyfriends for some rent money! She has family so let her ask them.

Even if she didn't cheat and betray your family she needs to take care of herself, by herself. She will have to sooner or later anyways.

 

Let her bf's carry the load for a while, you have done it long enough.

 

Lost

[KG]

She cheated, thus the consequences.

[f1r3f1y3]

I said exactly that, where are all your lovers now?????

 

She went mental, swearing at me etc etc. Going crazy is her defense mechanism for hiding the truth. When she shouts I say "there's no need to raise your voice, we can just talk calmly". Oh she hates that even more, that's the key to exploding the bomb.

 

That's 2 THAT I KNOW ABOUT. It's anyones guess how many there have been.

 

Her latest boyfriend told her to f**k off out of his life after I told his GF what they had been doing.

 

Thanks for the advice, sometimes (all the time) I need others to add perspective.

 

I'd be pennyless and familyless without this forum.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, the least those guys can do is leave some money on the table before they leave.

 

This is such a crazy situation. I hope you get free from her soon. When is this divorce happening?

[f1r3f1y3]

Divorce is AGES away, my lawyer advises I wait 4-6 months before filing for 2 reasons

 

- the current childcare arrangements favour me, if this arrangement contined for these months I would almost certainly be granted primary carer status

 

- financially she wouldn't get any maintenance at all if I wait this long and do not give her any money during this time

 

I almost cracked the other day and told my lawyer I wanted to file now but my family talked me round. I could end up with hefty maintenance payments and lose primary carer status if I file now.

 

She would be fully entitled to maintenance payments from me now, but she isn't smart enough to consult a lawyer to know that, hense mine is advising I keep my mouth shut.

[Ms Darcy]

Divorce is AGES away, my lawyer advises I wait 4-6 months before filing for 2 reasons

 

- the current childcare arrangements favour me, if this arrangement contined for these months I would almost certainly be granted primary carer status

 

- financially she wouldn't get any maintenance at all if I wait this long and do not give her any money during this time

 

I almost cracked the other day and told my lawyer I wanted to file now but my family talked me round. I could end up with hefty maintenance payments and lose primary carer status if I file now.

 

She would be fully entitled to maintenance payments from me now, but she isn't smart enough to consult a lawyer to know that, hense mine is advising I keep my mouth shut.

 

Niiice! That's why it's always best to speak with a lawyer.

[thorpe]

I said exactly that, where are all your lovers now?????

 

She went mental, swearing at me etc etc. Going crazy is her defense mechanism for hiding the truth. When she shouts I say "there's no need to raise your voice, we can just talk calmly". Oh she hates that even more, that's the key to exploding the bomb.

 

That's 2 THAT I KNOW ABOUT. It's anyones guess how many there have been.

 

Her latest boyfriend told her to f**k off out of his life after I told his GF what they had been doing.

 

Thanks for the advice, sometimes (all the time) I need others to add perspective.

 

I'd be pennyless and familyless without this forum.

 

It sounds as if you are hurting and taking a bit of revenge and antagonising your ex. It's understandable, but I would stop all contact and conversations other than that involving the children. Move on and get on with the divorce.

[turnera]

She cheated, thus the consequences.

Yep. Let her learn from her mistakes.