When bf told you about his past sexual experiences....

[Oasis_Fan]

Thanks greywolf, I know your right. I know it's frustrating to have to keep reassuring someone over and over and over.

 

I actually feel better after we made up today. I hope so much that I never feel like this again. I usually do, but I feel like I got everything out this time and like we really made up this time. But like I said -I've felt like this before.

 

I'm going to try and put it all behind me and I'm going to try to think more positively and focus more on the good things. I actually wrote myself a little letter (while I was feeling good about everything) so I can read it when/if I feel like this again.

 

All the posts really helped. I have to say, it makes me feel better that they're are other people who feel/have felt this way. If anyone has gotten past these feelings for good and they have any techniques, please pass them along!

[DN]

Every time you think about this issue change the thought to something you love about him instead.

[SapphireNoir10]

I got over issues like this by everytime I thought the negative thoughts, I thought positive ones. Everytime I thought about exes I thought about the fact he is with me, not them, and that hes told me im the best and the first one hes ever loved.

 

I force out the negative with the postive. Eventually you end up literally reconditioning yourself so that the negative thoughts enter your head less and less and teh positive more and more.

 

Also, I realised it was not worth pushing him away/losing him over something he had no control over.

[Oasis_Fan]

I got over issues like this by everytime I thought the negative thoughts, I thought positive ones. Everytime I thought about exes I thought about the fact he is with me, not them, and that hes told me im the best and the first one hes ever loved.

 

I force out the negative with the postive. Eventually you end up literally reconditioning yourself so that the negative thoughts enter your head less and less and teh positive more and more.

 

Also, I realised it was not worth pushing him away/losing him over something he had no control over.

 

I'm going to try that.

 

I'm beginning to think that I'm not ready to forgive him yet. I feel like he don't understand how horrible the things were he said (he said a lot more and a lot worse than what I've shared here.)

 

I hate how he thinks that it's my problem, you know? I know it is, but it's his fault too. I'm actually afraid to bring it up because of the fights we'll have when I do. I hate how he doesn't realise how ignorant and cruel he was.

 

When I brought it up yesterday he said, "Oh you'll feel better in a couple of days. It's only PMS." (I'm not PMSing) I got so angry! It's like my feelings aren't real to him or justified at all.

[DN]

I think it is time to break up with him. This isn't fair to him and it isn't serving you.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm with DN, it doesn't sound fair to him for you to be feeling this way and it isn't fair fo ryou to be driving yourself crazy over it.

 

The one thing I keep hearing in all your posts is you can't get over the amount of women he has been with. That is your choice and you have the right to now be okay with that. You may want a man who hasn't been with as many women. I know you love him but right now it just seems like you both are suffering. Maybe even take a break, clear your mind.

[Oasis_Fan]

I know what your both saying. Thanks for the advice.

 

I'm feeling a little better lately but I don't know how long that will last. I'm going to wait and think about that before I rush into any decisions.

[Ms Darcy]

12 or 2 it doesn't matter, its not like you're a totally inexperienced virgin so unless you're worried about STD's its just a number imo.

 

It was tactless for him to go into so much detail unsolicited but what's done is done. This really seems like your problem at this point so if you can't or won't see a counselor I'd just finish it because these feelings aren't going to go away by themselves. I mean, 2 1/2 years is a long time to be holding on to this.

 

Next time don't be exclusive with someone until you know how many people they've been with.

 

I don't have any serious mental problems that affect my life but I do have some anxiety issues and self-esteem issues.

 

I found that I had a little OCD when I was younger, but when I realised it I stopped immediately. I also had some social anxiety, but I've changed from that and I'm almost the opposite now.

 

I have some issues but they're not serious enough that they can't be controlled.

 

Yeah I'm having a tough time. Really, I am. It's bad enough that he won't talk to me to help me through it.

 

I'm going to try that.

 

I'm beginning to think that I'm not ready to forgive him yet. I feel like he don't understand how horrible the things were he said (he said a lot more and a lot worse than what I've shared here.)

 

I hate how he thinks that it's my problem, you know? I know it is, but it's his fault too. I'm actually afraid to bring it up because of the fights we'll have when I do. I hate how he doesn't realise how ignorant and cruel he was.

 

When I brought it up yesterday he said, "Oh you'll feel better in a couple of days. It's only PMS." (I'm not PMSing) I got so angry! It's like my feelings aren't real to him or justified at all.

 

Interesting situation. Honestly - sorry to offend you - but I don't see how he's at fault here at all. People tell their partners stuff. If the first thing he says bothers you, cut him off, tell him you are uncomfortable and end it there. You are making him responsible for your feelings. At first he tried until he realized that your insecurities are like a never-ending waterfall of reassurance requests. And yet you get mad that he won't talk you through it.

 

You should get a school counselor to be your therapist and not your bf.

 

I think it is time to break up with him. This isn't fair to him and it isn't serving you.

 

I agree with this. After reading your whole thread, I think he'd just be more compatible with someone who didn't mind his past. Many women actually appreciate their partner's pasts for what it has taught them. Maybe he should be with someone like that and you should find someone like you.

 

P.S. I think you still have obsessive compulsive issues.

 

P.P.S. I also think you are driving your bf away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many women actually appreciate their partner's pasts for what it has taught them.

 

Making a woman cum so much so that he had to flip the mattress!!! Talk about embellishing a story! I have to wonder about a woman who thinks that sexual experience made the guy who he is today. Really...banging many people doesn't make your personality and doesn't make you who you are today. If sexual experience would have made him worldly wise he wouldn't have been stupid enough to brag about all his conquests and majorly embellish the stories to the point of being ridiculous and far-fetched. Despite all of his sexual experience he remained an insecure teenager trying to impress someone with his so-called sexual prowess.

 

Having said all that, it is over and done with and he can't undo his past. Constantly reminding him of it will ultimately ruin the relationship. His relationship with you was his maturing ground...it showed him that it is not cool to yammer on about past sexual conquests and embellish stories...he realizes now that you don't do that to someone you are interested in. So this relationship with you has taught him about being emotionally responsible...and that far outweighs any of his "technical expertise". Let it go...you have had more of an impact on him than any of these other women..he loves you and wants to do right by you...so put everything in the past and move forward with him knowing that he loves you and realizes he made a mistake.

[DN]

There have been threads on here from women (I think one fairly recently) complaining that their boyfriend's wouldn't tell about their past experiences and people said that they were too secretive and there must be something wrong.

[anna0511]

I just wanted to say that I can SOOOO relate. My boyfriend told me way too much about his past and it bugs me to death. He can be a little tactless when it comes to words. I got pretty upset a few times by how much he revealed and he always apologized for saying things without thinking. Another point he made is that he never realized how hurtful those things were to me because they were meaningless to him. He did something similar in saying these things to make me a bit jealous, but didn't realize how insecure it would make me feel. I still struggle a bit with the knowledge, but he reassures me all the time that they are nothing but a past that he can't change even if he wanted. And I know that I have a past too that I couldn't care less about so I image he feels the same. Guys can be so insensitive sometimes, but you must forgive him for it or it will truly destroy your relationship.

[DN]

I guess the best thing for men is to never, ever believe a woman when she asks him to be open and honest with her about his past, present or future thoughts or experiences.

 

If he does, he will be accused of lying, exaggerating, minimising, boasting, evasiveness, going into too much detail, not going into enough detail, being too emotional, not being emotional enough, being too obsessed with an ex, being too disengaged from an ex, making his current girlfriend insecure, hurting her and being insensitive (apparently, only men can be insensitive)

 

So the message for men is apparently this - "the lesser of two evils is to tell whatever lies to your girlfriend that your best guess tells you she wants to hear. Your chances of guessing right are minimal of course but it seems it is a far better choice than telling the truth because you will definitely have got it wrong if you do".

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The same holds true for women. I have seen a ton of posts on here from men who are upset at how many or how few partners their gf had. GF honest about lots of partners...guy gets insanely jealous. GF honest about not having much experience...guy worries that she will cheat on him to get more experience (I have also seen women worry about inexperienced guys who they assume will cheat on them or dump them to get more experience). So much focus on sex sex sex and not enough focus on the actual person.

[Oasis_Fan]

Thats funny because I never asked him about his past. Actually, when we first started dating I asked him not to tell me anything about his exs -but apparently, he didn't listen.

 

I'm not one of those women who think that way. If I ask him something -I expect the truth and if I don't like it then well, it was my fault for asking.

 

He just made a big mistake. He revealed things (he told me a lot were lies, including the mattress thing and him ripping off some girls shirt. But I'm having a hard time believing that they were lies -like who comes up with that? AND lies about it?)

 

But anyways my point is: I asked him to not to this because I knew I couldn't handle it. And he did the opposite.

[DN]

Why did you not stop him when he started by reminding him of what you said?

[Oasis_Fan]

Thanks for your post Your right. I love it when people come here to try and put some of their thoughts into perpective for me.

 

Appreciate it. Thank you.

[Oasis_Fan]

Why did you not stop him when he started by reminding him of what you said?

 

I tried telling him but he just wouldn't stop.

 

He thought I was way out of his league and he didn't know how to impress me. He just kept doing it. He wanted me to think he was some sort of sex god or something.

[DN]

OK - I get that. He was being a jerk. But you need to learn how to assert yourself by saying "I already asked you not to do that and if you continue I am leaving".

 

And I also think that you need to let this go - this happened a long time ago, he has apologised and hasn't done it again. If you can't then you should break up because this is poisoning your relationship.

[Oasis_Fan]

OK - I get that. He was being a jerk. But you need to learn how to assert yourself by saying "I already asked you not to do that and if you continue I am leaving".

 

And I also think that you need to let this go - this happened a long time ago, he has apologised and hasn't done it again. If you can't then you should break up because this is poisoning your relationship.

 

I agree with you 100%

 

Some days those thoughts creep into my mind about what he said and it drives me insane. Makes me depressed and angry.

 

But I know I need to let it go. I'm trying the best I can. It's just way harder to do than say...

 

Thanks DN

[DN]

The best way to deal with negative thoughts is to consciously replace them with positive ones.

 

For what reasons are you still with him?

[Oasis_Fan]

The best way to deal with negative thoughts is to consciously replace them with positive ones.

 

For what reasons are you still with him?

 

Other than what he did and how he now deals with it, he treats me really really good. I love him and he loves me. We want to get married and I know I'll never find anyone like him.

 

If I didn't love him like that I would of ended the relationship long ago. But it hurts more because I love him so much..

[DN]

OK - so when the thoughts about what he said pop into your head keep repeating this to yourself over and over until they go away:

 

he treats me really really good. I love him and he loves me. We want to get married and I know I'll never find anyone like him.

 

[Ms Darcy]

Lol, I think that's taking the point too far. You can appreciate your partner's past in totality without wanting or loving all the details. My bf was divorced and I appreciate what it taught him - that type of thing.

 

 

 

I agree. It's amazing how some people beg for details (not the OP) and then get upset if they don't get enough or get too much.

[Oasis_Fan]

OK - so when the thoughts about what he said pop into your head keep repeating this to yourself over and over until they go away

 

I am going to try that. Thanks.

 

I'm also going to forgive him for saying those stupid things to 'impress' me.

[DN]

I am going to try that. Thanks.

 

I'm also going to forgive him for saying those stupid things to 'impress' me.

Although it was a gauche and crass way to try and impress you - at least he was trying to impress you.