When bf told you about his past sexual experiences....

[Oasis_Fan]

Although it was a gauche and crass way to try and impress you - at least he was trying to impress you.

 

I know. I feel a lot better today about everything.

 

I know it's a lot to do with how I feel about myself too. I don't walk with my head held high and I am always doubting myself and everything I do. I worry too much and I always worry about how I look, act, speak, everything!

 

I want to change all that and start living.

 

I have to say, posting my personal problems on this site helped me to open my eyes. I only thought this site would make me feel a little better and help me talk about it but I actually feel like the more I talk about it to people, the more smaller the problem becomes. I feel like my boyfriend's past is really in my face now. So I can deal with it and move on instead of denying it like I was before.

[gillyc]

i dont think there is anything wrong with you, because i would feel exactly the same way! what the hell was he thinking of telling you all that. i think he was on a bit of an egotrip at the time, but its caused you deep emotional scars. the thought of my boyfriend with another woman turns my stomach, let alone having graphic details. i dont quite know what the answer is, but just wanted to empathise with you..........

[greywolf]

That is a harsh accusation, DN. Don't group all women together like that =/. I totally understand your point though.

[Oasis_Fan]

i dont think there is anything wrong with you, because i would feel exactly the same way! what the hell was he thinking of telling you all that. i think he was on a bit of an egotrip at the time, but its caused you deep emotional scars. the thought of my boyfriend with another woman turns my stomach, let alone having graphic details. i dont quite know what the answer is, but just wanted to empathise with you..........

 

Thank you for your insight. It's been really hard and not everyone understands. I don't think anyone can truly understand how I feel unless they've been there.

 

Thanks. Your post made me feel like I wasn't that crazy.

[DN]

That is a harsh accusation, DN. Don't group all women together like that =/. I totally understand your point though.

Actually, I don't. It was in response to certain particular posts and was posted for effect rather than verisimiltude.

[Russh]

He made a mistake by telling you. But if he hasnt since and has tried to make it up to you I understand why he gets frustrated when you bring it up. He can't do any more than apologise and tell you that your the best.

 

Your the one hes with, the one he loves, the only one he sleeps with.

 

He cannot change his past, it was all before he met you, it means nothing now. Have you thought of counselling to help you with this?

 

She is completely right. I can understand how it hurts you that he's done those things with other people but you need to accept that you weren't in a relationship with him then and those were choices he made in his past. He isn't cheating on you and he isn't wishing for those memories now. He loves you or he wouldn't be upset when you bring up those things or when he reminds you that you're the one he wants to be with by telling you how special you are from the people he's been with in his past.

[Oasis_Fan]

She is completely right. I can understand how it hurts you that he's done those things with other people but you need to accept that you weren't in a relationship with him then and those were choices he made in his past. He isn't cheating on you and he isn't wishing for those memories now. He loves you or he wouldn't be upset when you bring up those things or when he reminds you that you're the one he wants to be with by telling you how special you are from the people he's been with in his past.

 

Thanks for your post.

 

I believe I may be on the road to healing from what he's done in the past and what he'd told me about.

 

One thing that I am worried about though is running into one of his exs. I live in a very small town and I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet.

 

Aside from that, I'm doing much better than how I have been doing. I want to forgive him and I want to live this fairy-tale with him and be in love and enjoy life together. I want to walk with confidence and to stop doubting myself.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks for your post.

 

I believe I may be on the road to healing from what he's done in the past and what he'd told me about.

 

One thing that I am worried about though is running into one of his exs. I live in a very small town and I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet.

 

Aside from that, I'm doing much better than how I have been doing. I want to forgive him and I want to live this fairy-tale with him and be in love and enjoy life together. I want to walk with confidence and to stop doubting myself.

 

It's just going to take time. I mean, I would be bothered if my fiance had had more than five sex partners. It's just going to take you a while to swallow the fact and move on but as long as you love him and work on it, you can.

[Oasis_Fan]

It's just going to take time. I mean, I would be bothered if my fiance had had more than five sex partners. It's just going to take you a while to swallow the fact and move on but as long as you love him and work on it, you can.

 

Thanks OptomisticGirl

 

There were plenty of times when he held me and told me that we can get through it together and he's sorry for being such an idiot.

 

I think I'm on the way to healing.

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks OptomisticGirl

 

There were plenty of times when he held me and told me that we can get through it together and he's sorry for being such an idiot.

 

I think I'm on the way to healing.

 

Yeah, he obviously feels bad about it. I mean yeah he can't change what happened but at least he is trying. A lot of guys wouldn't.

[Oasis_Fan]

Yeah, he obviously feels bad about it. I mean yeah he can't change what happened but at least he is trying. A lot of guys wouldn't.

 

 

I know he does. He told me he did a lot of lying about it and over-exaggerating. Like what he said about flipping a mattress, for example -he confessed it was a lie. But I don't understand how he can come up with a random lie like that to impress me. Plus he lied. Is it bad to worry that he may be lying now -saying that some things were lies, just to make me feel better about it all when they were actually true? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy about that..

 

Anyways, I know I over-analyse everything. I hope that each day, I feel better about it more and more. I really hope that some day I'll be able to look back at it all and smile because I feel so good about myself and although it happened, I just won't care. And if I ever run into one of his exs in my small town, I hope that I won't put my head down. Instead, I'll be proud of how I feel about myself and it just won't bother me at all.

[OptomisticGirl]

No, I don't think it's bad. I mean yeah, he shouldn't have lied but he was trying to impress you. Doesn't excuess it but it isn't like he did something MAJOR like went out and slept with someone and lied to you about it.

 

You will. I know as a fellow woman, even if I didn't feel 100% about myself, no way would I let another woman who had been with my man, intimadate me and show that by seeing her I'm effected. But I'm a prideful person sometimes, lol.

[Oasis_Fan]

No, I don't think it's bad. I mean yeah, he shouldn't have lied but he was trying to impress you. Doesn't excuess it but it isn't like he did something MAJOR like went out and slept with someone and lied to you about it.

 

You will. I know as a fellow woman, even if I didn't feel 100% about myself, no way would I let another woman who had been with my man, intimadate me and show that by seeing her I'm effected. But I'm a prideful person sometimes, lol.

 

Well I wish I was more prideful! It's easier to say you want to be like that than actually being like that. I'm glad you are. You should feel thankful that you are because for me it seems like a lot of work.

 

I'm wondering if I should ask him if he lied to spare my feelings. If he told me that it all isn't true and it really is I'll have trouble trusting his words.

 

I know I will get there eventually. One day at a time. I'm starting to feel better about myself a lot more than I did. It bothered my the other night when my boyfriend looked at me and said, "You were a lot more attractive when you were confident about yourself." In my head I said, "But that's your fault!" He kind of took me down. I remember how I started losing my confidence when he told me more and more about his past. But anyways, it's my problem and I'll have to work on it.

[Ms Darcy]

Ahh, ladies ... why are we so exhausting? Why are we so sensitive about everything and so hurt by everything? We're upset about him forgetting something, about what he did in the past, about what he might do in the future, about what his friends do ...

 

I'm glad I'm not a guy. Sometimes, we just need to cut these guys a break if they treat us well. People are human.

 

If you are struggling to forgive him for lying, that's more understandable to me. If you are struggling to forgive him for having sex before you, I just can't get with that. There's nothing to forgive. It's about your issues and not his at that point.

[Windycitygal]

I don't really want meds because of the side-affects. Honestly, I don't really want counselling either. .

 

This might be harsh, but: if you're not willing to take the steps (namely counseling) to mend your broken heart and set your relationship back on track, you're not willing to get better.

[Oasis_Fan]

This might be harsh, but: if you're not willing to take the steps (namely counseling) to mend your broken heart and set your relationship back on track, you're not willing to get better.

 

I want counselling. I'm trying to find ways to get it but it's expensive.

 

Meds? No I don't need meds. Just because my heart is broken doesn't mean I need medication to heal it. That's just ridiculous.

[Oasis_Fan]

Wait. Let me take back what I said about the meds.

 

All throughtout my young adult life, I've secretly wondered if I have depression problems.

 

Would anti-depressants help me with this irrational thinking?

 

I thought I was doing okay, but the days when I feel depressed - I think about his past again! Could this be a result of depression?

[DN]

Wait. Let me take back what I said about the meds.

 

All throughtout my young adult life, I've secretly wondered if I have depression problems.

 

Would anti-depressants help me with this irrational thinking?

 

I thought I was doing okay, but the days when I feel depressed - I think about his past again! Could this be a result of depression?

Possibly - you need to ask a doctor.

[MsMargarita]

Hey, mine had 20, and he is my number one. Sounds like I must go kill myself over this... I caused our relationship so much damage by being insecure and crazy just like you... wanting to break up.. but i never did and it faded away. For one thing, there are always things he hasn't done yet - finding new experiences together made me feel much better. And secondly when I feel like having 'a bad day' (crazy crazy imagining him with other girls) I just intensely remember my own past - that little (very little!) even non sexual experiences that seemed once important. And it makes me realise how differently we feel about past, and it makes me calmer because i remind myself of the place all these boys and men from the past have in my life now. Time and patience and you will forget. Don't throw away something so wonderful having not given it a chance. I've wasted a year of our relationship on being unhappy because of this issue and I got over. It means you can too! All the best luck to you, I understand you so painfully well.

[Oasis_Fan]

Possibly - you need to ask a doctor.

 

Thanks for your advice. I think so too.

[MsMargarita]

and i didn't do counselling!

[MsMargarita]

But it definitely can make it easier for you than what it was for me...

[Oasis_Fan]

Thank you so much.

 

Sometimes I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. Like after saying I felt so much better about everything -today it all comes back to me! So I kinda thought I had some kind of problem like depression or something.

 

Your post just meant a lot to me. Something inside me tells me that time will help me heal, but sometimes I feel hopeless and I feel like this will never go away.

 

One day at a time I guess.

[Oasis_Fan]

Update:

 

I know it hasn't been that long since I posted this thread but I have realised something about myself recently. I believe I have OCD and it is causing me to obsess about my boyfriend's past in a really unhealthy way.

 

Yes, it was wrong that he shared painful details to me that were completely unecessary and he agrees with that. I feel that it's normal for me to feel pain. But it's not normal for me to feel pain every second of every day for 2 years with no signs of relief.

 

I honestly do obsess over it and sometimes I get depressed. I did have OCD when I was younger and I since thought it went away. But I was blind to the fact that I will always have it. I know that now.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice. Some people put a lot of things in perspective for me and I'm pretty sure someone even mentioned OCD. Anyways, just wanted to post a little update. I'm not sure if I'm going to get meds. I might get a prescription and keep it handy because I can control my thoughts now that I know I am no longer justified.