When bf told you about his past sexual experiences....

[Oasis_Fan]

I know I posted about this problem before but I am having a particularly rough day today. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I want to end my fairy-tale relationship with the man of my dreams.

 

He made the big mistake of telling me about all of his past sexual experiences before and while we were dating (at the beginning of the relationship). Like how he once ripped the shirt off of some girl while they were having sex and I would like it. And how he made a girl cum so much that he had to flip the mattress when they were done. ...and probably around 15 or 16 more sexual things that I think about to this day. (He told me a lot.)

 

We have been together for 2.5 years. He's tried to make it better but he gets frustrated more than anything with me when I bring it up.

 

It's honestly tearing me apart. I'm tired of thinking about it and I think I'm getting sick. He has 12 partners before me and I had 2. I feel like he's done everything and I've done nothing. I'm completely ruined. If I stay with him, I'll feel like this and if I leave him I'll never forgive myself and I will never move on from him.

 

I hate the fact that I'm his #13 and he's my #3. It makes me sick. Sometimes I look at him like he's was a and I hate that.

 

Why am I going through this? I tried writing him a letter about everything that he told me. He hasn't read it yet. I mentioned all of the nasty things he told me and the list is soo long it makes me depressed.

 

He tells me a lot of good things like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, I'm the most attractive, the best he's ever had, etc ..But I just reached a point where I can't live like this anymore. I'm sick of crying and I'm sick of thinking about it.

[SapphireNoir10]

He made a mistake by telling you. But if he hasnt since and has tried to make it up to you I understand why he gets frustrated when you bring it up. He can't do any more than apologise and tell you that your the best.

 

Your the one hes with, the one he loves, the only one he sleeps with.

 

He cannot change his past, it was all before he met you, it means nothing now. Have you thought of counselling to help you with this?

[Oasis_Fan]

He made a mistake by telling you. But if he hasnt since and has tried to make it up to you I understand why he gets frustrated when you bring it up. He can't do any more than apologise and tell you that your the best.

 

Your the one hes with, the one he loves, the only one he sleeps with.

 

He cannot change his past, it was all before he met you, it means nothing now. Have you thought of counselling to help you with this?

 

I try and tell myself this everyday but I can't stop thinking about the things he told me and who he was with. I feel like an obsessive freak but I'm mad at him for it too.

 

I've thought about counselling but it's so expensive. I don't have that kind of money right now.

[FathomFear]

Can you isolate exactly what is eating you? On the surface I'd say that you have some substantial sexual hang-ups. I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that a partner had a life before being in a relationship with you--and vice versa. He obviously enjoys sex and gave you details because he thought you would enjoy what he described.

 

I think you need to focus on the fact that this is all mental. I mean, even if you were his #3 and not #13. What difference does that really make?

[Snowy]

Sounds to me like you're not very happy in this relationship anymore.

 

Why is he even telling you all this?

 

I don't think he's responsible either.

 

If it was me, I wouldn't even bother.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you, but I would keep my eye out for someone else in the mean time.

[Oasis_Fan]

Can you isolate exactly what is eating you? On the surface I'd say that you have some substantial sexual hang-ups. I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that a partner had a life before being in a relationship with you--and vice versa. He obviously enjoys sex and gave you details because he thought you would enjoy what he described.

 

I think you need to focus on the fact that this is all mental. I mean, even if you were his #3 and not #13. What difference does that really make?

 

I have a lot of self-esteem problems but I don't feel like it's all my fault, you know? I didn't tell him things like that but he told me those things and it really hurts me, even after 2.5 years.

The thought that he had 12 before me just makes me sick and depressed. I did nothing in my past compared to him.

I agree that it's all mental. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so sick of this feeling.

[SapphireNoir10]

you need to get over this. Does he make you happy in general? Do you love him and enjoy spending time with him?

 

Anyone you meet will more than likely have SOME sort of past. That you will have to come to terms with. Twelve may seem like a lot but it depends how old he is.

 

After 2.5 years you should be over this.

 

If you feel like your going crazy could you go to your doctor or a counsellor? Isnt there anyway you can get it for cheaper? Im not sure where you live or how it works where you are.

[Oasis_Fan]

Sounds to me like you're not very happy in this relationship anymore.

 

Why is he even telling you all this?

 

I don't think he's responsible either.

 

If it was me, I wouldn't even bother.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you, but I would keep my eye out for someone else in the mean time.

 

I am very happy with him and I want to marry him. But when I think about the things he told me, I get so upset and angry with him. I cry all the time about it.

 

He told me these things because he felt that I was out of his league and he wanted to impress me.

 

He regrets it so much now but I also can't understand how he was so ignorant and stupid for telling me those things!!!

 

I can't imagine myself with anyone else but I'm getting so depressed over this. Maybe I should just be alone.

[SapphireNoir10]

You shouldnt be alone. You sound like you need to speak to someone about your self esteem/insecurity issues.

 

He has a past. you may know more about it than you'd like but after this long it shouldnt be an issue.

[Oasis_Fan]

you need to get over this. Does he make you happy in general? Do you love him and enjoy spending time with him?

 

Anyone you meet will more than likely have SOME sort of past. That you will have to come to terms with. Twelve may seem like a lot but it depends how old he is.

 

After 2.5 years you should be over this.

 

If you feel like your going crazy could you go to your doctor or a counsellor? Isnt there anyway you can get it for cheaper? Im not sure where you live or how it works where you are.

 

He does make me happy and I know he would do anything for me. I love spending time with him.

 

I know I should be over this after 2.5 years. There's something wrong with me...

 

12 is a lot. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. When we started dating he had 12 before me and he was 26. I had 2 before him and I was 19.

 

Counselling is expensive for me. I'm a student so I don't have a lot of money. I think it's $100/hour because I looked into it.

[SapphireNoir10]

Is there anyway to get referred by a doctor for free?

 

If your a student they usually have counselling services at the college/school/uni for free.

 

12 isnt that made at 26, I know girls of twenty that have slept with twenty plus. Plus its his past. He can NEVER change that fact, he didnt know he'd meet you , or it'd bother you.

 

If he was having sex from eighteen till 26 thats 8 years so that averages out like 1.4 a year, which isnt that many really.

[Cheeks18]

How have you been able to stay with him for 2.5 years and all of a sudden its really starting to bother you that he told you those things??

[Snowy]

I am very happy with him and I want to marry him. But when I think about the things he told me, I get so upset and angry with him. I cry all the time about it.

 

He told me these things because he felt that I was out of his league and he wanted to impress me.

 

He regrets it so much now but I also can't understand how he was so ignorant and stupid for telling me those things!!!

 

I can't imagine myself with anyone else but I'm getting so depressed over this. Maybe I should just be alone.

 

Well, I guess you just have to forget about it. The good thing is he has stopped.

 

It's what you have to do mentally to get through this, or you can just let time help you forget these things.

 

Good luck.

[Oasis_Fan]

Is there anyway to get referred by a doctor for free?

 

If your a student they usually have counselling services at the college/school/uni for free.

 

12 isnt that made at 26, I know girls of twenty that have slept with twenty plus. Plus its his past. He can NEVER change that fact, he didnt know he'd meet you , or it'd bother you.

 

If he was having sex from eighteen till 26 thats 8 years so that averages out like 1.4 a year, which isnt that many really.

 

I've never thought about trying that. I'll definitely look into getting referred by a doctor.

 

12 is just a lot to me. The fact that he told me makes me angry and I feel like I can't live up to the things he told me. I feel like such a loser. Why did he do that to me? I know I'm probably being ridiculous to you but I just feel really horrible today.

 

I know he can't change it. What a horrible day I'm having ...Thanks for talking to me.

[savignon]

I have a lot of self-esteem problems but I don't feel like it's all my fault, you know? I didn't tell him things like that but he told me those things and it really hurts me, even after 2.5 years.

The thought that he had 12 before me just makes me sick and depressed. I did nothing in my past compared to him.

I agree that it's all mental. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so sick of this feeling.

 

For as long as you're with him, he will have always been with 12 people before you. It's not something you can change with your anguish, tears, frustration, anger, depression, etc. It's just a fact. When I started dating my current husband he felt I had told him too much about my past (not gory details...but he felt it was too much). I really saw it as *his* hangup, although I regreted that it hurt him. We cannot rewrite history to please anyone else. We can't make other experiences not exist and we can't take back things we say. And while we can regret, appologize, lament and really mean it....it's hardly a way to spend your relationship. What can he do about it now? He can't unsleep with them and he can't untell you....so in my opinion, reminding him about it, writing about it and crying about it 2.5 years later is quite destructive to the relationship. I understand that you're in real pain...what I mean to suggest is that you get yourself some counseling or help because your happiness is your responsibility and he can't fix this for you with all the appologies in the world. And spending your time wishing he hadn't done those things or wishing he hadn't told you isn't getting you anywhere as you can see. Getting some help with your insecurities will get you somewhere and is the way to go.

[Oasis_Fan]

How have you been able to stay with him for 2.5 years and all of a sudden its really starting to bother you that he told you those things??

 

It bothered me from the beginning.

 

Ever since I truly fell in love with him, I began thinking about it and it started to bother me. But it was too late, he already told me a lot of sexual things. He told me they were over-exaggerated but it still bothers me because it still happened to some degree.

 

I've honestly been feeling like this for over 2 years. Everyday. Some days worse than others.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know how you feel and I know its irrational but you can't help it.

 

Just remember he probably never thinks of them, you have a happy, healthy relationship and most people would kill for that.

[Oasis_Fan]

Well, I guess you just have to forget about it. The good thing is he has stopped.

 

It's what you have to do mentally to get through this, or you can just let time help you forget these things.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks Snowy.

 

I know a lot of it is in my head. I probably glorified these women and I keep putting myself down. But I just want to blame him, you know? Like this is his fault! I know it is to some degree, but I know a lot of it is me too.

 

I've gotten better than I used to be. I don't cry as much as I used to. I've honestly come a long way. I think I'm having a really rough day like I'm so frustrated with myself because I am STILL thinking about it. Why can't I move on?

[Oasis_Fan]

I know I need help. I've been trying to deal with it myself because I'm also a smart girl and I feel like I already know what the counseller is going to say.

 

I know that I can't change the past. I tell myself that everyday. I guess I need to accept it somehow.

 

I really hate myself today.

[SapphireNoir10]

Dont hate yourself. Your just feeling vunerable and affected.

[Oasis_Fan]

I know how you feel and I know its irrational but you can't help it.

 

Just remember he probably never thinks of them, you have a happy, healthy relationship and most people would kill for that.

 

Thanks SapphireNoir10,

 

You actually just made me smile. That means so much to me today. That's true what you said. I never think of my exs, so why would he? Plus, he told me he never thinks of them. Sometimes he says he can't even remember much about them.

 

We do have a beautiful relationship. People have come up to me and told me, "Wow. He looks at you like he really loves you." I know he do. I've never seen anyone try so hard to make me happy like he does.

 

Thanks Sapphire

[SapphireNoir10]

Whenever those negative thoughts enter your head. Remember what you just posted above.

 

and your welcome, I've felt how you have before.

[Oasis_Fan]

Whenever those negative thoughts enter your head. Remember what you just posted above.

 

and your welcome, I've felt how you have before.

 

Your making me tear up.

 

Thank you

 

I'll try my best. I know those negative thoughts aren't gone because they always come back later no matter what. But I always try my best to make them go away.

[DN]

If you left him and found someone else similar thoughts would still enter your head even if the new guy told you nothing about his former partners. This is something you need to deal with by fetting some help.

[SapphireNoir10]

Your making me tear up.

 

Thank you

 

I'll try my best. I know those negative thoughts aren't gone because they always come back later no matter what. But I always try my best to make them go away.

 

Well, dont be afraid to admit you need a little extra help, research whether you can get referred or whether your school/college offers any counselling. Its perfectly fine to find someone to talk too, someone who can help.

 

Stay strong!